on every slow news day ever

2) people are using "emoticons" in serious emails!!!!

on every slow ned day ever

i'd hate to know what a "fast ned day" is.

Imagine the Benny Hill end credits sequences.

3. Tips for how to handle your garden!

4. What kind of music is YOUR teen listening to?

3. cat dials 911, saves old lady

3 means 5 btw

6. animal born with additional appendages or facial features

7. "And how's the three-day extended weekend forecast looking, Bob?"

8. Drunk-at-2pm schmoes in real-life Moe's Tavern interviewed about world events that have nothing to do with them.

9. More time with Mr. Food.

10. 10 tips on how to save on your weekly grocery bill.

11. "The latest swimsuits are in!"

12. Get Angelina's style on a budget

13. Animal spotted where it shouldn't be

14. Lindsay Lohan still in rehab.

15. domestic animal performs activity normally reserved for humans; hilarity does not quite ensue

16. Three-year-old joins MENSA, parents claim he's "a normal child"

17. Those damn kids, with their chewing and their music and their troublemaking.

18. IS YOUR CHILD IN DANGER? common household items have been involved with freak accidents and neglectful parents

19. more trapped miners

20. Minor England footballer from the 70s is working as a postman/milkman/dustman.

21. Store puts up Christmas display in August.

22. Since the smoking ban, young men and women are flirting outside pubs in record numbers!

23. THE INTERNET: holy shit! let's look at some blogs!

24. There is this thing called Youtube.

25. Women: Different from Men?

25b. A new study says... maybe.

26. OH NOES! Ice cream shortage!

Minor celebrity from your hometown returns to visit parents, pose for photo in front of old high school.

27.

28. Bush says something

29. http://men.msn.com/articlemh.aspx?cp-documentid=5177967>1=10321

fuck, anyway, any of the stuff that's usually on msn.com, pretty much

30. Karaoke singer attacked after starting song

(today's msn: yard sale secrets, wedding survival guide for men, how to see the meteor shower, etc.)

31. HOT TUBS CAN KILL YOU

32. recall on happy fun balls made in china

33. Iraq war 'not going as well as we thought it would'

34. economic meltdown

35. real estate is going to collapse! for RIZLA this time guyz

36. Hey, real estate is fine after all!

(usually based on some relatively minor shift in data and ignoring the bigger picture -- which is pretty much what 50% of "financial news" is like)

37. twins separated at birth reunite, have oddly similar lives

38. hot-air balloonist/train conductor/sky-diving instructor/boat captain has wedding in career-appropriate setting

39. A study issued by Coca-Cola shows that people have more sex when they drink coca-cola in the hours before.

40. A study on behalf of BP shows that people have more sex when they have a car

41. A study carried out by McPhee and McPhew for the government shows that people are racist.

42. HOUSE PRICES omfg

43. Something you thought was bad for you is actually good for you (based on one very limited study)

44. ^^ vice versa

45. Something involving footage of fat people in public, shot so you can't see their faces.

46. hidden danger lurks within and without, easily penetrating the veneer of safety of your suburban community

47.

3 means 5 btw

-- get bent, Friday, August 10, 2007 11:39 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Link

The universe is actually N (where N>5) dimensions except some of those dimensions are really small. Large Hadron Collider still not finished, but then we'll know.

48. lists

49. Local establishment does business in a mildly quirky way.

slow ilx day (xpost)

50. IT SNOWED WHERE? that never happens guyz!

51. Swallowing gum might be help fight cancer!
52. Study links swallowing gum to cancer

53. Recent survey indicates teens engaging in sexual activity, substance abuse to varying degrees.

54. americans be gettin' fat yo.

55. Local resident creates, fills property with abstract lawn sculptures fashioned from machine parts. Visit to art museum cited as inspiration.

56. It's really hot so make sure to dress in light clothing/it's really cold so make sure to wear layers

57. one easy tip for saving the environment

58. Boy, it sure is hot out there! Some people actually have to WORK in this heat. Let's talk to a few of them...
(I actually heard this story today)

59. health article with severely buried lead about how there's still no replacement for diet and exercise

60. this

oh, the forced laughter is hurting my stomach

UUUUUUUUUUGH too many punsssss

379 words. Seriously.

I love all the notepad-dump facts included

61. A study sponsored by a food manufacturer and/or marketing board finds that consuming the sponsor's product causes (slight) weight loss and/or other (minor) health benefits.

62. someone relatively unimportant/unknown dies and they now get very long obituaries, relatives get interviewed, etc.

64. Young girl's brave fight against cancer

65. 10th anniversary of (celebrity's) untimely death. Today: A look back

66. One mother's 30 year fight to find her child's killer (mother clutching picture)

67. 10th anniversary of (disaster). Have we learned anything since then?

68. oppressive weather has popped up somewhere and is affecting both humans and their pets

45. Something involving footage of fat people in public, shot so you can't see their faces.

I love how conniving that footage is. "Yur kids are teh headless fatteyz."

69. How schools suck

70 (really slow news day). If x were still alive, he would have been x00 years old today.

I love all the notepad-dump facts included

totally... the one fact left out of the story is that this happened in front of the Tribune Building. "EXTRA! EXTRA! LOW-LEVEL REPORTER SEES HOT DOG TRUCK GET TICKET ON WAY TO WORK! EXTRA!"

Goddamn the Tribune is a shitty newspaper. :(

71. Eating a lot of SALT may be BAD for YOU.

72. Salt is only bad for certain people.

I love all the notepad-dump facts included

totally... the one fact left out of the story is that this happened in front of the Tribune Building. "EXTRA! EXTRA! LOW-LEVEL REPORTER SEES HOT DOG TRUCK GET TICKET ON WAY TO WORK! EXTRA!"

-- kenan, Saturday, August 11, 2007 3:42 AM (19 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

Goddamn the Tribune is a shitty newspaper. :(

-- kenan, Saturday, August 11, 2007 3:44 AM (17 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

facebook him :D

this is genuinely the worst thread ever, by design, and as such, is kind of impressive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

slow thread day

73. Wombat can skate

74. Photo spread: temperate weather draws local residents to park for leisure activities, feeding of ducks.

75. Children these days are OBESE and OUT OF CONTROL all thanks to those DAMN VIDEO GAMES

76. Something to do with Princess Diana

(every day being a slow news day at the Daily Express)

77. Isn't sport ghastly?

78. Women sometimes watch sports!

79. Local car plant MIGHT close down which will cost jobs if it happens even through it never does

80. Local car plant MIGHT close down. It does. (UK remix)

81. someone revives an old thread

82 HOUSE PRICES HAVE FALLEN SLIGHTLY SINCE 42 OMFGBBQWTF

83. "Whatever happened to..." retrospective about something no-one has ever wondered about ever.

84. Idiot level bluffer's guide type report on fashion and music of some "new" youth culture or other that everyone know about anyway and has been around for approx 4 years.

Slender affluent Caucasian woman is the GOAT fashion icon and style goals.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2024/10/26/raccoon-evacuate-montgomery-store-sams/