You can't go home... but you can always shop there

One morning I was in the shower, and it occurred to me how sad it made me that I had lost touch with so many good friends from long ago. So I got dressed and made a list of all the people I felt I needed to get in touch with. And slowly, one by one, I emailed them, or MySpaced them or called them, God forbid.

It's very difficult to hang onto what you used to have. I have a lot of attachment anxiety b/c of things in my past, so I get nostalgic easily. But to grow is to change. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't resolve things passed. I think you can, you just have to be patient. Pink Floyd wrote "if I were a good man, I'd understand the spaces between friends."

I don't think you should have to give up on your past Trayce - maybe you just have to alter your expectations of it.

It's early.

A part of me feels icky this stuff got dug up, the timing was bad. I feel like I've picked a scab.

That Floyd quote is great though and one I wish I paid way more attention to than I have been lately ;_;

Yes. But in the end, you'll probably feel better dealing with it than not. Is this about someone in particular?

I know, that quote means a lot to me - I place a lot of importance on friendship, so change is tough.

The thread was prompted by the unexpected contact by an old friend I have many grievances with yeah. But we've both since gone thru so much more shit since then. It felt like it applied in a general sense too though. I feel like I'm having some rather unpleasant epiphanies this week.

(x-post)

I wouldn't want to be contacted by someone working through a list of old friends with the intention of 'dealing with it'. It's a bit business like.

i hate the stupid timing of life. like now how i have to go to work? SUCKS. trayce, the week will get better.

well, i mean for me it wasn't necessarily to deal with anything, i just missed having thos ppl in my life. it was more of "i want to talk to you again!" thing. i think they appreciated it

But would you know that that was what's going on? (secretly I hope surmounter is ticking them off in an Earl Hickey style then moving on)

xpost

hahahaha.

btw good thread title

Ailsa, I wouldn't, but depending on who it was, I might have my suspicions that it's someone going through High Fidelitymid-life syndrome - tracking down their top 5 previous partners.

(secretly I hope surmounter is ticking them off in an Earl Hickey style then moving on)

Haha, that's awesome. Maybe I should try that.

I've tried to do this before and been rebuffed, other times, suceeded. The latter has usually been good.

I did it last year with an old friend. We parted ways acrimoniously after she had lived with me for awhile. Which was a shame. We had/have known each other for many, many years and since so many friends like that drift away, they def. don't need to be pushed away.

Unfortunately she lives in another country now and the chances to see each other in person will be few and far between in the future. But the re-established friendship and occasional communication are worth the effort.

Well, there's a reason why your friendship dwindled (?) or you parted ways. Add to that the time you spent apart, the way you both *evolved* in different directions. You can't go back. You can in your mind, but in reality it will never feel right. When you go back in HiFi fashion, you go back on your own and you're not confronted with your friend's different interpretations of the events.

Does that make ANY sense? Probably not. Trying to multitask.

There's a definite cut-point in my life around 1996 - friends I've made since then are still fast friends, even though some I rarely see. Pretty much all before that though - school mates, old bfs - are lost in the mists of time or regret. Some I miss horribly, and some I now realise there's no point chasing.

If this is getting old I dont care for it to be honest.

You can't go back. You can in your mind, but in reality it will never feel right.

I disagree with "not feeling right" maybe different, yes. Exes maybe another story. With the exception of one there are none I care to talk to. A couple have tried to re-establish contact with me but I simply wasn't interested.

I think the urge for resoultion of broken relationships is natural. It's hard to walk away from things when you don't feel they were wrapped up in an honest way. Resolution doesn't have to mean you have a relationship with them afterwards though. Can't you just clear the air, shake hands and go your separate ways?

trayce's question is on my mind a lot at the moment -- i will not be put off it by a nick hornby puppetshow! readdressing the unresolved past isn't something you can just sidestep by pop-cult mindgames (unfortunately)

*grows handlebar moustache*

Will the 'stache help?

trayce, i had this best mate who i was inseparable from when i was 18-21yrs old. then we both started leading different lives - got boyfriends, moved into different houses, met new ppl, started hanging out less. but we were still good friends. i had met this other girl who i just clicked with and became really close to (and she's still my best friend now). these two girls knew each other through me, but only vaguely. anyway, my new friend ended up sleeping with old friend's ex boyfriend.

i never told old friend, for two reasons: this guy was no longer her boyfriend, so it was none of her business who he was sleeping with; also, i knew it would only hurt her and make things awkward if she ran into new friend. but then she stopped returning my calls, and i found out from mutual friends that she had gotten back together with her ex and he had stupidly confessed to sleeping with my new friend. so she had decided that i was somehow to blame and never spoke to me again. i've seen her twice in the last 6 yrs. because there was never any proper closure on our friendship at all, it's always kinda bothered me. i mean, i have no desire to revisit our friendship, but at the same time i feel like it would have been a good thing for her to have come to me and told me how she felt about what happened. then i could have explained my position.

i ran into her awhile ago, and she was all friendly and nice and got my number - said we should catch up for a drink. so i sent her a msg a couple of weeks later, suggesting a date, and i haven't heard from her since.

a lot of the time there is never mutual closure on old relationships - platonic or romantic. the closure has to be something you come to terms within yourself. i think a big part of this is just about accepting that you meet different ppl at different stages of your life - and you learn something from them or their friendship. but then often you both move on, and not always on the best of terms.

maybe try to think about what you got out of that friendship, or what you gave, in positive terms. if there was nothing positive, then maybe realising that can also help you come to terms with the failure to maintain the friendship.

I think my stupid brain demands closure when thats not always what the universe provides.

It's been a long day. I'm going to bed. I'm glad people have taken an interest in this thread :)

maybe try to think about what you got out of that friendship, or what you gave, in positive terms. if there was nothing positive, then maybe realising that can also help you come to terms with the failure to maintain the friendship.

I think this is v. good advice. But difficult when there were positive and negative aspects to the relationships. It doesn't seem like they are usually one or the other. Lots of grey area in all human interactions.

You can't go back. You can in your mind, but in reality it will never feel right.

I disagree with "not feeling right" maybe different, yes.

I meant, going "back together." I was painting a horribly bleak version of this however. I know it can be done, but I have never experienced that - mostly because I tend to put these behind me and never really think it could go well, so avoid it - nor have friends. But I (hopefully) am wrong. But pessimistic me can't see the past being resurrected. :-(

Also fuck Nick Horn-by-dee-bye. ;-)

so avoid it - nor have friends

This is indeed the solution.

It's not just you, Trayce. I think the weirdest part of it is how quickly you can fall back into what seems like a script. It's weird to reunite with someone only to notice that one person still passively jabs at the other conversationally, followed by accusations, etc. It's like you never left! That's probably the worst with family, though.

I can be pretty bad at staying in touch with people, and have been guilty of letting friendships drift away. Whenever I have re-established contact with those people, it's always been great - since (I guess) both of us have been genuinely pleased to pick up where we left off once again.

But re-establishing contact has never worked well when a friendship ended on a sour note; I really dislike ill-feeling and always want to do my best to kiss-and-make-up (or at least end things on a civil note), but I wonder whether it's worth all the heartache to try and rekindle any friendship which has finished in any way badly - it always seems to lead to such disappointment, somehow. Like if you drop and break a much-loved glass ornament, and then stick the pieces together with superglue ..... it can seem okay again on the surface, but it'll never be exactly as good as it was before, and the cracks will always be there.

Ilx be full of debbie downers.

=) that was so metaphorical CJ... but yea i totally get it. i have a friend like that. years later i tried to patch things up. she told me she was pregnant and i asked if she was keeping it, and she was furious at me for even asking. which i guess is something you don't ask someone when they tell you they're pregnant. whatever i didn't know!! but yes i definitely got the impression that once soured, it is very tough to rekindle.

That was rude, surmounter, srsly. When someone tells you they're pregnant you should reply according to their expression (sobbing and tearing of hair = "Oh no, I'm sorry", smiles (maybe tears) = "Congratulations!") If you are on the phone when you get this news. You should just say, "Hmm. Have you found a good obgyn?"

i know i know. it was very rude. i KNOW!!!!

ok that's why when my best friend just told me she was pregnant (even tho i think it's ridiculous) like a week - all i did was scream in joy. u know those screams where u feel like if you don't scream ur shock will show?

Better yet say, "Me too." and then see how they respond.

aaahaha

Th last time I tried to get in contact with an old friend I'd lost touch with, I got an email back saying "I haven't contacted you because I don't wish to be in contact with you, please don't contact me again." He was always kind of a douche.

If you know his address you should him a douche.

eww

"send him a douche"

all the disposable ones are are plastic bottles with vinegar water in them.

I was just tracked down by two old friends this week, but we'd lost touch due to life changes and whatnot, nothing complicated. One of them is still friends with a much-hated ex, though, so I'm basically counting the days until I get some kind of friend request or ridiculous email from the ex. Whee!

I like the idea of sending a douche. It gets the point across so succinctly!

really does

If you know his address you should him a douche.

I don't, but neither do I care anymore. I was surprised and hurt because he was one of my best friends for many years, but I'm sure he must think he has a reason, however misguided and lame I think it is. Fuck him, one less Christmas card.

wait so you don't know why he was so ridiculous with u?

Facebook will make this thread very relevant, I think.

Former close friends are the worst at this kind of thing - unvoiced grievances and resentments, irrational jealousies - in my experience.

This thread made me Google on some people I knew in high school - immediately I wished I hadn't...

I really love hearing from old friends - one of my college roommates called me yesterday and we just chatted for an hour or so. She told me her favorite story about me from college and I was like, "oh yeah, I used to be FUNNY..."

Mostly I've had good experiences communicating with old friends. I finally got in touch with my very best friend from high school a month or so ago, and I can't quite figure out if she really still wants to be friends... and also, she's gotten into ghost hunting, which sounds kind of crazy to me. (I'm really trying to keep an open mind here.)

hahahahaha

i really love hearing from old friends too - that's why i think MySpace and Facebook are great, for the most part. no one has the energy for the phone these days, so they really come in useful.

On the bright side, I have a friend I've known since we fourteen or so that I fall out of touch with for a while, call and hang out with a few times, and then promptly fall back out of touch. It's great every time, but this has pretty much been the pattern since we graduated from high school. I used to feel guilty about it, but anymore it's just kind of a thing where we catch up every once in a while because we're off doing our own thing.

wait so you don't know why he was so ridiculous with u?

Not a clue. I got an invite to his wedding, but couldn't attend because I'd just had a baby a month before (but did send a present) then lost contact with him a few months later, and when I finally was able to track him down again, that was the answer I got. Who knows?

infuriating

Th last time I tried to get in contact with an old friend I'd lost touch with, I got an email back saying "I haven't contacted you because I don't wish to be in contact with you, please don't contact me again."

At least he let you know :( Its the not knowing that always kills me.

Luna, your ex-friend sounds mentally ill.
Oh well, as the old song said, "if you can't be with the one you love, well then, love the one you're with."
In other words, US!!!

she's gotten into ghost hunting, which sounds kind of crazy to me. (I'm really trying to keep an open mind here).

Maybe think of it like fishing - the joy isn't catching the fish, it's in the anticipation, the build-up, the relaxing alone time (my analogy begins to break down at this point I think).

Also, yeah, it's almost certainly nonsense, but imagine if you DID find a ghost?

(I don't believe in ghosts, but have seen one. Which is pretty confusing for me)

Curious Mark... 'splain!

Just received one of these today, quite poignant in its way:

Do you remember me? I have only now got the internet so wanted to keep in touch with you as you are such a nice person. How is work? I hope you keep your job. What a predicament [details omitted] I do miss work and would go back tomorrow and I have a feeling a lot of people who retired would. Retirement is not as vital feeling.