The Big Move-In-With-Your-Significant-Other: EXPERIENCES, please.

is dude the type to get all in yr biz?

2 out of 3 times i have done this i have ended up married. just so you know.

(of course that might depend on what state or country you're in.)

hahaha

xpost i mean no, but i have thos ethings i can only do alone u know? the transition is gonna be tough, is all

I'll be honest here: in my experience it's like putting the relationship on fast-forward. You learn the person's various foibles (can't you do some damn dishes sometimes etc) very quickly and in succession, and consequently you're more likely to feel overwhelmed and maybe want to bail. If you can ride out the feeling of overload and try to remember why you signed on in the first place, things will start to settle down. Once things settle you'll be more capable of making a rational decision re: whether or not you want to stay for a while.

Will this crimp your open relationship, though?

this is the thing. that and the fact that i play music a LOT, and it will also crimp my spiritual sitting-in-the-chair-with-the-apt-all-mine-getting-vocals-down thing.

the thing is he's so GREEEEEAT. still hard.

the thing is he's so GREEEEEAT. still hard.

paging ILEpitaphs...

i just don't know if i wanna retire my wiley self so quickly.

wily rather?

Willy?

;/

good work

when my sig ot moved in with me for the first time, in 2003, there had been a huge leak/flood that had filled one corner of my room with about an inch of water

if this happens to you, i have a tip: clean it up before they move in

moving in together is easy. moving out in the middle of a messy breakup is the hard part!

Nice one about 'Fast-forwarding the relationship' - true in my experience also.

lol tracer

bell labs OTM

i've only lived with one SO, and living together made it so much harder to break up with him - i probably would have dumped his mean ass a lot sooner if i hadn't been sharing a house with him.

but you guys have been together for a long time, so shouldn't be any problems there. but it is a big commitment, and i think it will definitely impact the "open" part of your relationship.

which might be this big blessing considering i kissed some guy last week and now have some strep throat ridiculousness and can't sit still!!!

Haha, I am doing this for the first time starting October 1. Will probably be contributing to this thread...

In my case, she's been sleeping at my place every night for the last 9 months and more or less living there for the last few as well (she goes back once a week to get her mail), so I am not imagining too much will change. We're moving into a different apartment, though, because as long as we're splitting rent, we'll be either to afford a bigger space than either of us have now.

mhmm the expenses thing is cool

It was something of a shock to the system at first, but you just need to work at it. Talk a lot, my natural waking hours were murderous for her, the time she got up at was murderous for me, after a while compromises were roughly hammered into place. Big Hoos OTM, basically.

oh dude, me too. i move in september 5th.

i've done this before, though. just always empty the garbage can when it gets full. pretend like it's your secret, hallowed duty. if you never expect the other person to do it, you won't get pissed when you come home to junkyard jenga.

living together made it so much harder to break up...

I do consider that a positive thing as well. You're much less prone to break up over *nothing*, you work harder at your relationship.

It all depends on your living space, really. My husband moved in after a month or two. It was quick, but then we both knew it was *right*. Also, he lived about an hour and half away from me and shuttling back and forth was too much for our lazy asses. ;-) That said, I think the moving in and coping with suddenly having someone *around* was/is easier as we have lots of rooms. It's not that we live apart-together but we are able to have privace, which, for us at least, is important. I don't think it would have been so easy if I lived in a one studio flat or something.

If you feel unsure, then I do think it's important to maybe wait a bit. You have to be comfortable. Maybe invite him over for a few days and see how it goes? Spend weekends together?

God, poortheatre is so right. I had no idea when I moved in with Mister M that I was going to be involved in an eternal battle over who would put the rubbish out (answer, me).

Also, Surmounter, remember that you can ask for time on your own if you want to, as long as you're honest about it. It has to be positive, exactly as you've described it. Sometimes you just like the feeling of being the only one in the house.

i think the key is not to make it a big deal. when i moved in with mrs F, we'd only been seeing each other for about nine months, and it was way sooner than we'd ever have planned. but my then-flatmate was under pressure to move in with his own (longer-term) girlfriend, and mrs F's then-flatmate had just moved out, so ... well, we either both got new flatmates, or i moved in with her. it was a bit of a no-brainer, really -- and i'd been spending more nights at hers than at my own for most of those preceding nine months.

we did it pretty much on an ad-hoc basis: i moved my stuff in but didn't get round to unpacking a lot of it for about three months. from the outset, we agreed that a) this was not a big OH MY GOD WE'RE MOVING IN TOGETHER! life-changing moment, and b) if it didn't work out, i'd move back out but that would not (necessarily) mean splitting up.

seven years later, here i am sitting in the same flat, drinking tea and thinking, arse, i need to go and do the shopping. it just sort-of worked. we never had any "right, how's it going?" discussions; i just gradually unpacked my stuff, and we bought some furniture together, and the relationship carried on developing. one of the best decisions we've ever made, really.

but i think that's the key thing: don't treat it as the be-all and end-all. worked for us, anyway.

(my former flatmate, however, split up with his girlfriend in just about the most acrimonious way possible after about a year.)

Yeah, me and Mister M ended up living together by much the same method: he was just back from travelling and it was either move in with me or get a flat of his own. We agreed we'd try it for a while and he would move out again if it wasn't working out, but it did work out. I think our worst time was during the first few months. He "helpfully" upgraded some software on my laptop without telling me, which caused other software on my laptop not to work, and I got so annoyed that I slammed the laptop down on the desk hard enough to break it.

He doesn't do that kind of thing anymore.

oh hi I upgraded our relationship

Before: philosophy and psychology books, Brian Eno on the stereo, one table, stir fry ingredients in the kitchen, pastrami in the fridge, bed at 10.30, occasional glass of wine, nothing on the walls, little book of zen poetry by the bed, coffee in the morning.

After: stacks of BDSM mags, AC/DC on the stereo, a new piece of furniture found on the street every month, huge piles of oranges and mandarins in the kitchen, salami in the fridge, bed at 2am, occasional vow to stop drinking wine, nothing but her art on the walls, big basket of ropes and handcuffs by the bed, plaintive cries for coffee in the morning.

i like the sound of both of those, really.

big basket of ropes and handcuffs by the bed, plaintive cries for coffee in the morning

I assume these two are related.

Not sure if Moley is making a value judgment on either situation.

Everyone right about breakup issues. I'm on my third time. So far only one time has been bad.

I live very poorly on my own. Just in terms of bad, unhealthy habits and depression. Having someone else around every day keeps me in check so I'm generally a happier person in this arrangement.

moving in together is easy. moving out in the middle of a messy breakup is the hard part!

-- bell_labs, Monday, August 27, 2007 2:03 AM (12 hours ago) Bookmark Link

ding ding ;_; ding

Uh, my only advice is to get some kind of system together for bills, dishes, cleaning, litterbox, etc. rather than just expecting each other to be clean & responsible.

^^^ OTM OTM

Bills really kill us. After 2 years I've finally accepted that any system or organization is up to me and have taken the role. It was much easier with roommates.

I've also tried implementing something like a chore hat to no success.

"chore hat"?

yes, one person is responsible for making coffee, the other has to wipe down the ropes and handcuffs and neatly coil them. then the next day you switch.

lol?

haha

I live very poorly on my own. Just in terms of bad, unhealthy habits and depression. Having someone else around every day keeps me in check so I'm generally a happier person in this arrangement.

I think living on my own speeded up the process (towards depression) but apart from that I don't think a partner relieved me from it entirely. :-(

Not entirely, no. But when I lived alone I would sleep until three or not dress for days. Hard to do that when there's someone else to check on you and keep you from doing that.

"chore hat"?

Joking about the hat part. I did/do want to organize the chores we each expect to be done and the frequency with which we expect them to be done so there is no misunderstanding. Him: "Fucking hell, she hasn't cleaned the bathroom in a week." Me: "What, he thinks the bathroom is dirty?"

I'm really, really bad at this. I've lived with one SO and that lasted about 4 months. It was also coming off a 4+ year stretch of living sans room mate... and loving it!

The thing is, I like the idea of being married & having kids and all that jazz, but I just don't know if co-habitation is for me. Maybe two separate abodes next door to each other is the way to go.

Make sure you each have your own space if you can afford it. This might mean your own room to read, listen to music, whatever you do. Having the chance to escape and have some alone time is going to make it all work out better in the end. My first cohabitation experience in a one bedroom with no personal space was a total disaster of arguments and cagey unhappiness. Of course, that could also have been my S.O. also.

yes, thank god i have a 2 bedroom.

i am also the type of person who benefits from having a housemate in the sense that on my own, i too delve into unhealthy habits and depression. my partner, thankfully, is more positive on a day-to-day basis.

Make sure you each have your own space if you can afford it.

Our current setup has helped our relationship greatly. We have a three bedroom so he has his computer/film room and I have my sewing room. (his is neat as a pin and mines a cluttered mess). Being able to have our own spaces to work and be ourselves without consideration for the other is fantastic. Having a baby would mess up this arrangement though. Among other things.

Yeah, we have a three bedroom. I have my own room to work on/listen to music. The GF has her own room to work on her diss and chill out. Not that we have many conflicts, but it's nice to be able to go into a room and close the door and work on my own stuff and she can be in the living room and watch tv without being interrupted by the potential racket.

<i>my natural waking hours were murderous for her, the time she got up at was murderous for me</i>
This usually happens with me too. The only way I can it see it working for me long-term is if I get a place with enough rooms and thick enough walls that one doesn't wake the other clattering around at some ungodly hour.

Along the personal space lines: two bathrooms made our initial foray into living together less stressful.

We have been living together since January, but in his dump of a tiny efficiency. We got a long pretty ok/fine at the old place and we had no space to move about. We were constantly aware of what the other one was doing and at times it made things intense.

We just moved this weekend to a place where we can live like actual adults (lol - we are 30). But I think the part that will make it the easiest is that we have so much to DO there. Full basketball court indoors, a pool, tennis courts, a bedroom that opens up to a garden for tea and reading. We just have to remind ourselves to actually DO these things and stay out of each other's hair.

The condo kicks ass and was built in an old Junior High School! Rad.

Best wishes to us. I mean, to you.

oh, and we have 1200 square feet.

i think space to move around is key.

you just have to USE that space...

i'm actually moving in with her, her older sister, her older sister's boyfriend, and some other girl. kind of stressful, but also a relief, because I've been to their house and they have every chore/bill on this awesome grid of equality.

The reminder to USE that space is so HUGE.

The hardest part about beginning to live together was that it was hard to shift from "Ok, we're hanging out whenever we're in the same place" stage of dating to "Ok, we're living together. We're gonna see each other a whole lot. Being in different rooms is not just alright, but, frequently, a really good idea."

I think that HOOS made the best statement above. Obv., his birthday brought added maturity and sagacity.