Countdown to my crazy neighbors moving away

the world's most boring Waco.

This phrase alone makes you a better writer in five words than they ever will be in a lifetime.

On the property I live on, there's my 2-bedroom house and two studios with about 10 feet between each. They live in the smaller one: it's big enough to have maybe a futon and a TV set, the kitchen is part of the main room and there's a toilet & shower in the second, tiny room.

The man's name is Will and usually how he communicates with me is by yelling out his bathroom window. It's about as big around as his face, so the effect is like those little doors on Laugh-In or a medieval painting from before they discovered perspective & proportions. He is a rotten person with a visage to match. He's bald, with a ring of gray, unwashed hair and eyebrows like a schnauzer. No teeth, stuff is usually crusted up into his nose. He grew up in Brooklyn, and he's adopted this New York toughguy fuck-the-world writer persona. Anyway, so his face will pop up in the window sometimes and he'll say something random like, "So you told me you were 'good' this morning. Do you even know what GOOD means, kiddo? What do you think GOOD means?"

He has emphysema but still chain smokes, laying on his bed with only a sheet covering his sagging elderly scrot, wrapped up in the tubes from his oxygen tank. And, peeking out from his chest's curly, peppered hair field is a very pointy THIRD NIPPLE.

I've got it -- en i see kay's gay porn-shooting roommate should move in with these two.

He picked up his wife, Jill, who is 50 (26 years younger than him) when she moved to NYC from France. And guess what he said to her that "really turned her on" and "blew her fucking mind"? That he'd fucked his first wife and their 16-year-old daughter in a three way.

Sorry to throw that one out so quick, it's just a very telling bit about their ways of thinking and acting.

He sounds like the dude from Aqua Teen Hunger Force haha. xpost

Here's one I posted on the other thread too:

She has all these "life-changing slogans" hung on their walls that they've come up with over the years all over the house. ie:

-LET DIVERSITY BE YOUR UNIVERSITY
-WOMAN WHO FLY SOLO HAVE CRACK-UP
-LOOK FOR THE SERENITY "ANSWER"

She's calligraphed them onto paper plates shaped like hearts.

In fact, everything she has is covered in little stickers of hearts. She taped heart stickers onto the band of her watch, she wears a garter personalized with heart stickers as a headband, and she covered a cardboard room divider in velvet fabric with metallic rainbow hearts

These people sounds fantastically horrible.

wow. my new neighbour is literally crackhead. and he's a writer too! well... a "writer".
i was going to start a thread about it. but, never mind i guess.
strange.

wow huge xposts

She draw her eyebrows on a good inch above where her normal eyebrows are. Not would be: she doesn't pluck her real eyebrows or cover them in makeup.

She's always asking me if things are American customs. This is usually when I behave in a way she doesn't like. "Is it an American custom to ask to borrow an egg and then just go back home to cook?"

I realized the other day she's lived here longer than I have...and I was not very cognizant of my surroundings for my first four years of being an American.

They have a big paper sign she made taped to their van:

LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT COMMUNICATION

and another that says:

CAN WE REASON TOGETHER

The irony hurts my fillings sometimes.

The neighbor in the third house was moving away, and she surprised me by suggesting we throw him a going away party. "That's great!" I said. She showed me the party game that she'd wrote down. Everyone was to take turns answering various questions she'd come up with as a fun way to pass the time. The questions were all like:

-What do you hate most about your body?
-Why do people believe in God?
-How has the feminist movement continued to hurt America?

Not exaggerating.

We just ended up drinking bud light and eating Ritz crackers that she'd provided until everyone got uncomfortable enough to feel okay with going back to our houses (about an hour).

Holy fucking wow!

Between the source material and your writing skillz as noted upthread by Ned, this is making for some great, great reading.

Cheers!!

So c'mon Abbott, what DO you hate most about her body?

She draw her eyebrows on a good inch above where her normal eyebrows are. Not would be: she doesn't pluck her real eyebrows or cover them in makeup.

OK this is completely o_O

And guess what he said to her that "really turned her on" and "blew her fucking mind"? That he'd fucked his first wife and their 16-year-old daughter in a three way.

waht

Are these people like, mentally um... diminished? (srsly)

*please make'em stay so this thread gets more posts of weirdo incidents*

that threeway... well, i rrrreally didn't want to read it. srsly. even if it's made (which i do hope it is).

Okay, this quite obviously a direct attack on my thread.

And I'm so gonna lose.

Well played, Abbs. Well played.

Really though, nathalie completely OTM on both points.

I'm not so sure if I'm happy to have old bags living next door. I did have one crazy neighbour - drugged out of his mind, fleeing from the law and then ending up dead due to ax in his head - but that was years ago.

Please Nick, don't hesitate to GO FOR IT. You both have the potential to WIN!

Aw, nick, sorry to seem like a thread usurper. Apologies.

http://s45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/?action=view¤t=jillscard.jpg

Here is a CARD she made me and my boyfriend when we told her we were getting financial aid. I'm, pretty sure "nest leg" is an intentional pun, but it's impossible to know. Their kind and unkind actions are equally inscrutable.

I thought that said "next leg", like the next leg of yr journey o'life!

Its still totally twee shit tho :D

She put heart stickers over our genitals.

Yeah whats with that shiz!

college life in the 21st century!

Is that a new Readers Digest humor column?

They both advise me that my problems in life, emotional and circumstantial, are because I don't "get into my eyes" enough. The first few months of this, I thought maybe they were saying some MJ "look at the man in the mirror" thing. Then one day Jill (their names are JILL and WILL btw) determined I was looking low–I needed to get into my eyes STAT! She grabbed me by the shoulders, opened her eyes really wide, and jerked her vision from side to side while unfocusing her eyes, gazing rapidly at nothing in every direction. "DO IT! GET INTO YOUR EYES!" I was going to start hyperventilating, so I pushed her arms off me and ran into the house. They're still very belligerent about my need to do this.

Will wrote a poem about this:

Get into your EYES
And REALIZE
Or go with the HERD
And live in the ABSURD

It's about as big around as his face, so the effect is like those little doors on Laugh-In

haha o god

All his poems are just like that, and he RECITES them when they seem pertinent. But he's got a bad memory, so he'll ask Jill for help reciting. If he thinks she's getting them wrong when he can't remember them (it's impossible to tell), he starts shouting at her, "No, Dill! The line ended with SEE, not BE! Or maybe it ended with ME..."

xp

holy crap i wld not be able to deal with neighbours like these at all!
abbott you are awesome

They sound like madly burnt out ex hippies which is kind of retardedly awesome but oh man.

WTF is "STIMMT" on that card!?

Oh, she knew I was learning German, so she decided to put the only German word she knew on the card. It means like "yeah!" or "that's for sure." She lived in Germany for over a year making heels in a shoe factory after she moved out of France and that's the only word she picked up.

Hahah great!

From what you've been able to observe, do they have any friends or um, disciples?

HAHAHAHA no. In fact they are SO alienating and peculiar that they have trouble even functioning enough to get medical help. When I'm ready for it, I'll tell you about the time I drove Will to the ER and Jill got arrested, in the middle of the hospital, for disturbing the peace.

oh man...

I, for one, am ready.

I am sooo ready.

stimmt!

update on the hospital story! and can you please repost the card?

http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/3763/jillscardml1.jpg

"What's up" + "gotta go" + "wanna come" + heart-on-penis == kinky scato-sexventure.

did they ever move out?