One shot

Sorry, I'm kind of depressed today.

Yeah, it baffles me sometimes how most people seem to espouse a "You only get one shot in life" philosophy, while simultaneously living sorta dull-ish lives. I'm not saying that I think they should be jumping out of planes and globetrotting and taking mad social risks everyday, but, still, people most often seem to invoke that belief as a sort of justification for doing something relatively quotidian, like having a second helping of dessert.

I tend to believe more in the you get reborn after this life idea, and unfortunately that becomes an excuse for my lameness.

but then you will get reborn as a slug or something

Exactly. That's where I falter...it becomes a cheap rationalization.

This is the question that drives my depression, rumpie, but trying to answer it just leads to mo' bleaker questions.

To put a positive spin on it, maybe most of us don't have the pure selfishness it would take to live a life exactly how we'd want it to be. So compromise and procrastination are necessary to being nice, social people. And maybe that means more to most of us, most of the time, than the sweet melancholy of dreams unrealised.

But also maybe most of us aren't very good at fully taking in what the whole "one shot" deal is all about. Which may or mayn't be a Good Thing. Perhaps living is healthier than thinking about living.

There have been times in the past when I've thought along the lines that I should be "doing it all"...I should be living in only the most cosmopolitan and beautiful of cities, I should be embarking on countless love affairs and sexual adventures, I should be self-actualizing my self NOW, to the max...I should be eating at all of these restuarants and going to all these bars and listening to all these musics and traveling all around...

Lately, though I just want to go about my life in relative peace, and not be tortured all the time by all of these preconceptions of how I think my life "should" be.

Then again, I am not much of a Zorba the Greek type. I have more of a begrudging endurance of life many days rather than a lust for it. I guess some would say that's indicative of low-grade depression or whatever, but I tend to think that it's just more my temperament, as well as a certain approaching-middle-age weariness with stuff.

but then you will get reborn as a slug or something

So those are all ILXORs in my kitchen? Bastards!

Even though I was/am depressed, doesn't really make me buy the one shot theory. You have lots of possibilities in life. Even when in the past you took a certain direction, you can change the course of your life. That said, I also believe that making the right one, could lead you to a path of bleakness because of certain events fucking it up anyway. It's all just "luck" or fate or whatever really.

This reminds me of the "second guessing" thread: I actually do at times. But I do this, every so often, in a VERY grand way (although mainly/only in my head): I want to radically change my appearance, style,... I always fail miserable though. Usually I want to be more girlie (read: be a fashionista tottering around in high heels wearing a size o black dress).

xpost

Also "all that glitters is not gold" and "be careful what you wish for..." I think have much truth to them. It's probably good to be somewhat skeptical regarding any notions we have about what our "ideal" life should consist of.

Based on my own experiences, I don't think that thinking about things in this way is entirely sour grapes or something.

Actually thanks to this thread, I now realize I do second guess myself. Or rather my whole persona. Shit.

nath I don't think "one shot" means you can't change things whilst you're still alive. It just means there's no reset button when that big old GAME OVER message fills the screen.

Yes, I know what you mean. I try to delude myself, NV, work with me here! :-)

Sometimes I think thinking is a luxury we shouldn't be able to afford because it obv in a lot of cases leads to negative feelings.

...That said, I also believe that making the right one, could lead you to a path of bleakness because of certain events fucking it up anyway...

Yes. yes.

And yeah, it's pretty easy to get lost in one's thoughts and to get super-bummed very quickly. I guess we all know how that works...

xpost

Zen and Taoism have a lot to (not) say about thinking, of course. That was my point about thinking about living. When we're doing it, we think we always do it and we tend to get frustrated or blue. But most of the time we're not doing it, and then things are a lot...happier?

Ah actually, shit, I completely miscomprehended what was said. Is it stupidity or just my negative feelings misinterpreting? A bit of both maybe?

I don't believe in doing it all. (It seems so... American in a way.) I saw a friend trying so hard to be everywhere at all times and he just crashed 'n' burned (occasionally). It also made me think: well, yes, at times success will be achieved, but what if you remain at mid-leven (or even less)? Will you be able to take it? It just makes me feel you're overestimating yourself. Sometimes it's ok to not achieve your best.

But sometimes doing what you want to do might be very mundane. I don't spend enough time sat by the sea on my own. What rankles is when you're doing some shit you hate and you think soon I'll be dead and I blew my time doing this?

I think so, if only because one is no longer grasping at "shoulds" and so forth, but instead more accepting of and relaxed into the present flow of things and how things simply "are".

xpost True. But does sitting by the sea (or whatever you like doing) is pleasurable in part because you also have to do the shitty things? I wonder about that sometimes. Too much goodness gets tiring/boring in a way. I don't think I could lead a life of complete luxury or pleasure.

I believe that and I disbelieve and hate it, often at the same time.

Yeah, there was a Larry David interview where he talked about people saying "hey, you have a beautiful house on the beach; you can go out and look at the water everyday, that must be so great!" and his response was along the lines "yeah, it was great for about a week or so, but then you just get used to it. 'oh, there's the ocean. hmm.'"

Granted he, (at least his tv persona) is pretty miserable and therefore maybe not the best example!

I'd be prepared to risk living an extended period of bliss just to see if I got fed up. My guess: nope.

...What rankles is when you're doing some shit you hate and you think soon I'll be dead and I blew my time doing this?

Yeah, but when you're doing stuff you hate it's usually necessary stuff, like as part of earning a living or whatever. What I think is worse is when you are wasting time say, watching rubbish tv shows that you don't even particularly enjoy.

I think in part this is why I don't indulge in drugs that much, only very rarely. (But mostly because I find it selfish and I can't let go somehow. Oh no! Losing self-control, whatever next?)

I try to remind myself of the ocean the beauty where I live sometimes. You quickly take it for granted.

This is why, when I'm depressed, I really feel extremely silly because I realize I have it very good: I, nor my family, is sick, I have a beautiful kid and a second on the way. So why do I sometimes panic and get sucked into this vortex of negativity?

For most of us, "earning a living" has become so fucked-up and alienating that it doesn't seem right to think of it as a necessity in the way feeding and sheltering yrself are. And I mostly like my job. I would rather be elsewhere, however.

I don't think of the "one shot" life as the "doing it all" life. I see it as you only get one shot at today, and you'll never be in the same situation again, so you owe it to yourself to make the most of this one day. It's not about planning out the rest of your entire life, and it's not about imagining what you'd do if you had unlimited resources and no responsibilities.

It's kind of the opposite of a rigid, structured plan - because most people procrastinate or inhibit themselves out of fear/avoidance of failure and rejection. Instead of visualizing the perfect day and just performing their role in it, people stop, wait, procrastinate, rationalize excuses and avoid attempting whatever it was in their head that they wanted to succeed at. Or maybe that's just me? Anyway, I'm working on it.

...So why do I sometimes panic and get sucked into this vortex of negativity?

It's almost as if you were...human!

For most of us, "earning a living" has become so fucked-up and alienating that it doesn't seem right to think of it as a necessity in the way feeding and sheltering yrself are

Yep. So sad and true.

Dell, I don't think it's necessarily human. I see plenty of people not thinking these negative thoughts and they are human. :-(

Someone asked me this: "Don't you feel stuck in the shop." I said no, but deep down I'm not so sure. Have I brainwashed myself into thinking this is the path I wanted to take? Do I fool myself into believing this is so much greater than something else?

Kerm, that's so depressing! But I guess it is right, you have today and you'll never be able to return, but I don't believe that today inevitably leads to a certain tomorrow. You can still alter it (slightly). I do think about it though: how my choices, sometimes quickly changed because of some tiny detail, direct a certain chain of events and how, if that tiny incident didn't happen, what I would be doing now and would I be able to get back to the here and now (instead of the other possible reality).

(And I would add: would I be a different person if I lived in that other reality.)

I see, Kerm. Sounds like a healthy way of approaching things.

It also makes for common ground between the only one life and rebirth sides. Even if you have more lives after this one, you still will never live this particular life, with all of its unique conditions, ever again. (Unless you believe literally in Nietsche's eternal return or something, but...fuck that.)

This past December, I left my job as a construction project manager (at a great company, with wonderful coworkers) and moved to the other side of the country to pursue something riskier and more fulfilling. So far it's been riskier and more fulfilling, and we're getting very close to that phase where desperation makes you do all sorts of wild and crazy things.

Dell, I don't think it's necessarily human. I see plenty of people not thinking these negative thoughts and they are human. :-(

Hmmm, yeah...I know there are people who seem to glide through life pretty effortlessly and with super-bouyant spirits (the Ned Raggetts of the world??) But I have never understood what their "secret" is.

Self-importance. You think you deserve this good life. (In some cases, not Ned's. We need to ask him.)

haha @ "super-bummer"

oh shite, i meant "super-bummed"

RUINED

nathalie: who cares if today changes tomorrow or not? If tomorrow was certain, and you couldn't do anything to change what was going to happen to you tomorrow, you could still have a really great today, right? You can't change the past, so regrets and shoulda-wouldas don't do much good, and you can't change the future because it hasn't happened yet. All that you have any control over at all is your right now.

I still do way too little with way too many right nows, especially when nobody's watching, but I'm working on it.

Everyone OTM, totally. and apologies for what must be the most bumming thread of the day.

xpost

Well I don't know that I'll get fired if I go and buy a bottle of tequila and sit at my desk drinking it, but...

i thought that realising this was all we have and the 'one shot' mentality made people become *more* careful with their lives.

but surely even people on their second/third etc lives don't remember their previous ones, so in a sense everyone only gets one life ever.

i know this is detracting from the main crux of the question.

There have been times in the past when I've thought along the lines that I should be "doing it all"...I should be living in only the most cosmopolitan and beautiful of cities, I should be embarking on countless love affairs and sexual adventures, I should be self-actualizing my self NOW, to the max...I should be eating at all of these restuarants and going to all these bars and listening to all these musics and traveling all around...

I guess for a lot of people these things take money and effort, and in order to get the money you have to get a job, and then rules apply. In theory there should be no reason why you couldn't get a job for six months and then flit about for six months. Why tie yourself to mortgages or commitments if you aren't going to have children to pass it on to? What are you saving up for?

"hey, you have a beautiful house on the beach; you can go out and look at the water everyday, that must be so great!" and his response was along the lines "yeah, it was great for about a week or so, but then you just get used to it. 'oh, there's the ocean. hmm.'"

Me and Mister M moved to a house near the sea. Granted, we don't have a view of the sea, and it's just an ordinary house in a housing estate, but every day I go down there with my dogs and look out at the Mourne mountains and the water and I just love it. If Larry David is sick of looking out at the ocean, he should move somewhere else and give someone else a chance at it.

On the other hand, I guess people get tired, and I know I would find beautiful cosmopolitan living kind of lonely unless it was rooted in something. But for those who are happy living on their own, I'm all in favour of it.

I think I got those a bit mixed up. You get the gist.

To me it's about not holding back just because something might not work, so it involves failing a lot, over and over, and being ok with that. Living life "carefully" in terms of never doing something that isn't a sure thing sounds pretty terrible and ultimately uneventful.

A friend of mine did exactly that, worked for six months and travelled for six months. He appeared back in Glasgow for work and gigs with his beautiful French girlfriend and he was the happiest, most carefree guy I've ever known.

He died pretty suddenly of liver cancer at 30, it seemed that all his life he'd known.

I've often wanted to be brave enough to take inspiration from him but other things hold me back, commitment etc etc. The things that inevitably won't matter.

This is a great question.

Yeah, it baffles me sometimes how most people seem to espouse a "You only get one shot in life" philosophy, while simultaneously living sorta dull-ish lives

This is interesting too. Ultimately, I think most people end up living a life that they want to lead, or at least find satisfying enough to make them happy. In some cases that life may appear to be pretty dull to someone else. It's definitely a mistake to assume that hurling yourself full tilt into everything is the way that everyone should live to find happiness. It's great to do nothing sometimes.

I have tended to play it pretty safe in terms of work, ensuring that I have regular employment & good money rather than doing something that I love. I regret not taking more chances here, but not much. There's still time maybe.

Outside of work I definitely believe in the 'you've got one shot at this' mentality. I believe in hurling myself into things and not sitting around too much waiting for stuff to happen. I had children earlier than all of my friends - I wasn't 'ready' (who ever is?), but it's the best thing I ever did. I took on a ridiculously ambitious house-restoration project without the skills, knowledge or money - it's lovely now, but nearly finished me off! I do take on too much and probably should give myself a break once in a while, but I hate to miss out on opportunities. I don't like giving up half way through something and I tend to get very cross (maybe unfairly) with people who give up, or who don't follow things through to a conclusion, or who don;t do something as well as they possibly could.

I tend to pursue activities pretty aggressively and get pissed off with people who don't put in the same amount of commitment. To me there's no value in a list of half-done projects, but I should realise that for others dabbling is perfectly valid if it makes you happy. It just doesn't work for me. I don't have to be the best in the world at something, but I'm not happy if I haven't pushed myself to reach the highest level that I can. I am beginning to sound like a real arse, so I'll stop there :)

Dr C, I need someone like you in my life.

You'd soon get sick of me...

I've often wanted to be brave enough to take inspiration from him but other things hold me back, commitment etc etc. The things that inevitably won't matter.

Well, it's easy (I don't mean easy, obviously, but you know what I mean, I hope) to be brave if you know exactly how long you've got to go and exactly what's going to happen. I think a lot of people who look at the big picture do look at their commitments. What if I have kids? What if my parents get sick? What if my spouse gets sick? What if *I* get sick and need money for bills and other necessities?

In your friend's case, if he did know about his illness, a lot of those long-term questions would have been taken out of his reckoning.

Please don't think I'm suggesting that it must be a load off your mind when you discover you have a terminal illness, I'm not saying that. But what I am saying is that it removes some of the uncertainties from your life and can make it possible to focus on other things.

You can't live your life worrying about getting sick. You might, you might not - no point worrying.

Yeah, totally. I worry more about other people getting sick now.

Well, I didn't really mean worrying in the sense of fretting, more in the sense of planning for. People buy insurance, they put money into pensions. They pay into private health insurance (or they do here, anyway). If you didn't do those things and you didn't run a car or have any kids, I'd say you could live on very little, really.

Yes, well it's good to plan. But it's NOT good to spend time worrying about stuff you can't control.

I'm not really sure where I said it was okay to do that. I think I was just throwing out some suggestions as to why people don't just work for six months and then use that money to travel for six months.

Yes, I know. I wasn't criticisin'...

Yar, I know it. I don't know what came over me.

These days, I feel that if I've made time to read 100 pages of something good, and I've walked far enough that I'm slightly tired at the end of it, then I've made the most of my day. I would like to start volunteering again, though. I miss doing something useful. To me that's the most important bit of "you only get one shot". I feel you should spend at least part of that one shot doing something useful.

nathalie: who cares if today changes tomorrow or not? If tomorrow was certain, and you couldn't do anything to change what was going to happen to you tomorrow, you could still have a really great today, right? You can't change the past, so regrets and shoulda-wouldas don't do much good, and you can't change the future because it hasn't happened yet. All that you have any control over at all is your right now.

You are right, and so's Dr C. You can't worry about the future. This is something I definitely need to tackle, because it has been and still is a big problem for me. I have panic attacks about worst case scenarios. I know that it's a waste of time, but I still do have these terrible panic attacks which suck me into this black hole. It's a vicious circle: I worry a possible illness, then I worry about the fact that I worry and am wasting my time, then I worry about not enjoying the here and now and then I worry... and so on and so on...

I wonder if it's my mind or body causing these worries and panic attacks. If it was my mind, I could focus on a coping mechanism. If it was my body, I could take medication. Noone has given me the answer. Harumph!

Shouldn't we be doing it all?

I don't really want to do it all. There are many things I am glad I have not done, like being a child soldier in Africa.

http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/I/51D52W5BRJL._AA280_.jpg

My decision to go to work every morning is one made in cowardice and fear.