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What Will Your Novel Be About?

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Apparently Nicky D is, or is not, writing a novel about Hampstead. What will, or would, your novel be about, or, what was it about, or what won't it be about?

― the pinefox, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Mine will be set in LA if it ever happens, which I doubt, and I have a very specific structure in mind. I'll be pulling a bit of a Ulysses trick, but with another story at the base.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

My novel will be about a dead body found in the frozen food section of a super market, the story will chronicle the events up until the body was found. The catch will be that the person never existed and was actually a clone...there will then follow an examination of the morals of cloning. I haven't really thought about it anymore.

― james e l, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Wuz the frozen person a whole body? Or cut up as packaged meat? Human clones grown for meat!!!

― AP, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"Soylent Green is made from clones!"

"Oh...okay."

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

...and you could title it "Look for me in your grocer's freezer!"

― Kim, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ah Ned! Soylent Green! back to the drawing board!...AP, like the food idea, maybe some old granny will ask "can I buy that frozen person? how much does it cost?"...Kim, thanks for the title!...

― james e l, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

that is the best novel title i have ever heard.

my novel = a world where APES evolved from MAN

― ethan, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

You finally did it, Ethan, darn you all to heck.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

interesting note, heston convinced censors to let him get away with the 'GODDAMN YOU' line because he said he wasn't swearing, he actually wanted god to damn them to hell. therefore proving that charlton heston is the greatest actor of all time.

― ethan, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Heston I probably couldn't stand being in the same room with, but he clearly has a sense of humor. At least about some things. I like to consider him the acting equivalent to Ted Nugent, except Heston can actually write and talk clearly as opposed to wibbling about shooting hippies with arrows or the like.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i've agreed with heston on far too many things for a neo-liberal like myself. of courses guns = unacceptable, but he's on point sometimes. anyway, he's in like half of my favorite movies of all time.

― ethan, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Can't get past that guns thing myself.

― Kim, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Guns: classic.

My novel will be about guns, set in a locale named Gun City, where everybody has guns. People will have guns, and people will sleep and dream. Also, there will be lots of description of driving. And architecture of public transit stations.

― Sterling Clover, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

My novel will be about us. It is nearly written, oh yes.

― mark s, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If what I have so far is any indication, it will be about waking up (lots of stuff about waking up) and also about laying on the floor and staring at ceiling fans.

― Josh, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh also guns.

― Josh, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

It'll be about everyone I have ever known, with slightly veiled names, like Samantha, Otto, Frank, John, River, Valerie, and Davey. We'll be drinking a lot. It'll probably be very boring and Brett Easton Ellis meets Bridget Jones.

― Ally, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I want to write a memoir about my time in the arctic.

― anthony, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ally, what about guns?

― Josh, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

There will be guns, cos my life has involved guns. Loads and loads of guns. Scary amounts of guns.

― Ally, Saturday, 21 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

my 2nd novel starts at a funeral, one guy talking about how his highschool lover has just blown his brains out over his dad's shed's wall - goes back through last years of high school, relationship, looks at seuxality in rural oz, suicide, flesh vs church etc

― Geoff, Sunday, 22 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Mine will be about pastries, pies and tarts. (Not the NYC kind)

― Mike Hanley, Sunday, 22 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

My novel would be about candlepin bowling, but it would also feature guns. Today I was looking through the shirts in my cabinet for a flowery orange blouse and I found two guns. Why are there guns in my shirt cabinet, I asked my dad. Because the gun cabinet is full, of course.

― Otis Wheeler, Sunday, 22 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i guess that explains why your dad tried to rob me with a blouse the other day.

― ethan, Sunday, 22 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Alternately, my novel will be about a fourteen year old boy who is skilled at public speaking. He has terrible dreams, and his mother reminds him of Sammy Sosa. His father takes him to the shooting range, but he despises guns. Soon he learns better.

― Sterling Clover, Sunday, 22 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I will *not* have guns in my novel. To my knowledge. I will have cell phones getting stomped on and mp3-disc players in cars, though.

― Ned Raggett, Sunday, 22 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Then I will not read your novel, Ned.

― Josh, Sunday, 22 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

You are mean and evil to me, a sweet and cherub-like innocent, and I weep at your awful behavior. *cries*

― Ned Raggett, Sunday, 22 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Eh. Still won't read your novel.

― Josh, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

My novel, alternately, will be about gothic punk kids who do school shootings. They will be a roving band, riding buses, shotguns cloaked in blankets, blaring Souxie and Marylin Manson and My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult on their boomboxes. They will shoot up fourteen schools over the course of the novel, one for each chapter. Each shooting will be more grisly and existential than the last. They will eat fried fish and raisinets.

― Sterling Clover, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

They will play clarinets which they carry in bassinets

― mark s, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The rattle of the empty shells falling from their semi-automatics will resemble clavinets.

― Sterling Clover, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

And of course, they will eat nothing but Raisinets.

I have no real plot yet, but there are several scenes I'm working out through my head. One involves a screaming match between a man and a woman in a relationship while another is a first-person account of a murderer stalking a victim through a closed shopping mall with a serrated knife.

I don't know if I can weave these together or not. I'd really like to. Oh, and to fit in with the gun theme, there will be a comedy character call Binky the Wonder Cat who has a Glock surigically implanted in his back who likes to leap on people's heads and howl "Bust a cap in your ASS!".

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

SC: "They will eat fried fish and raisinets" = comical DP: "And of course, they will eat nothing but Raisinets" = v.funny indeed-o

― mark s, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

DP's shocking confession: "I can't read!" *sob*

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

This makes me feel particularly smug about not going to Harvard. ;-)

― Nicole, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh Nicole, there are SO MANY REASONS to be smug about not going to Harvard. I mean, the people who went there only get to be smug about one thing; they went to Harvard. Everyone else gets talk about the great parties, the pretty campus, the sense of community, the existence of a student support system, etc.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh, I realize that's just one of the reasons...

But at least you didn't go to Bennington. I had an acquaintance go there who became beyond insufferable.

― Nicole, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

EEEK. Bennington is deeply tied to a crazy woman who kept begging me to have sexy with her after I told her "no" several times. She was after someone who went to Middlebury, see, and was considering going to Bennington as kind of a midpoint between the two of us. EEEK.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"To have sexy"? Not only can't you read, you can't distinguish between nouns and adjectives, you ignoramus.

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I am trying to highlight how crazy this girl was. She didn't want to have sexy, she wanted to have SEXY. "What the hell does that mean?" I asked, trembling on the other end of the line. "Well," she purred, "it starts when I bend your ankles over your head and pull out the hair clippers..." Trembling, I slammed down the receiver and rocked back and forth for hours.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

(By the way, I am not allowed to use the word "trembling" for the rest of the week.)

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Maybe she just really, really wanted to pluck out all your butt hairs or something. ;-)

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I wouldn't have even asked what "sexy" was, I'd have been all, learn how to speak English, bitch, and hung up, I mean "I want to have sexy" isn't even a sensible phrase.

― Ally, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ally, we're talking about a girl who pestered four guys into accompanying her to buy some condoms, then shrieked at the top of her lungs about how embarrassed she was. She isn't sensible; she's attention-deprived.

(That was funny, though; the four of us were standing at the end of the checkout smirking while she put on her little show so that everyone knew she was buying CONDOMS. When she was done, she walked over to us, at which point one of my friends shouted, "ME FIRST!" and ran out the door. Pandemonium ensued.)

Shit, my novel should be about her. At least, she should be a major character. I haven't even gotten to the date-that-wasn't-a-date yet...

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'd punch the shit out of that girl if I was drunk.

― Ally, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

You're not the only one. Apparently this happened to her in college. She ended up sleeping with the girl. (WARNING: my inadequate memory might be mashing two distinct stories together, but for fiction purposes I like it better this way.)

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Dan- can't you bring guns into this, in some way? Perhaps we can substite hedge-clippers for firearms..

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Mitch, check the murderers thread. With the people I've known, it would be FAR TOO EASY for me to work guns into anything.

This is starting to crystallize; a kid from the country with a city soul aches to get through high school and survive the insane people who surround him so that he can get to a college in a decent-sized city, but when he moves things only get WORSE. A black comedy of errors with Russian Roulette and stalkerish phone conversations!

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Then he gets on-line and meets some Nice Wonderful People, and everything ends happily ever after. :-)

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Damn long haired hippies ruin everything.

― bnw, Tuesday, 24 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

They do, you know. Especially angry ones.

― Ally, Tuesday, 24 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Yes! I am MEAN! And EVIL! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Er.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 24 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)


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