NEWER BIGGER LIES PLEASE!

WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN I HAD TRIALS WITH CRYSTAL PALACE

I'M HAPPY

I SAW HARPO MARX RAM OPRAH W. ASIDE

I AM THE LARGE CAT

YOU HAVE A SON AND IT IS ME

I HAS LIFE OUTSIDE OF THE INTERWEBZ!!

ILX IS AS GOOD AS EVER!!

MY FRIEND IS TAKING ME TO SUPER POSH RESTAURANT FOR DINNER & I AM NOT GOING TO ORDER FOUR COURSES AND EXPENSIVE VINOS AND TWO DESSERTS

I AM GETTING MOUNTAINS OF WORK DONE TODAY

BEFORE YOU WERE BORN, NO ONE ELSE EXISTED AND IF YOU KILL YOURSELF WE'LL ALL DIE!

(and on a slightly less morbid note)

I CAN DRIVE MY GO KART UNDERWATER!

I DRANK THE ENTIRE FUCKING OCEAN

RAY PARKER JR'S GHOSTBUSTERS THEME ACTUALLY PRE-DATED THE MOVIE, AND IT WAS THE INCLUSION OF THIS SONG ON A MIXTAPE BY HIS THEN-GIRLFRIEND BEA ARTHUR THAT INSPIRED HAROLD RAMIS TO MAKE THE FILM.

I'M NOT CRANKY

I THINK THAT IS TRUE

RECENTLY OUSTED CITIGROUP CHAIRMAN AND CEO CHARLES PRINCE IS BRAIDING MY HAIR RIGHT NOW AND WE ARE MAKING RICE CRISPY TREATS IN THE OVEN.

scott is way better at this than anyone else.

I SOLD A BOOTLEG OF MORRISSEY RECORDED IN A BAHRAIN NIGHTCLUB TO CLIVE BARKER BEHIND A 7-11 FOR $80 BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY ME SINGING JOHNNY CASH SONGS IN MY BATHROOM.

I WROTE MOST OF THE BASEBALL ARTICLES ON WIKIPEDIA FROM MEMORY WHILE LIVING IN THE DESERT NIBBLING ON GILA JERKY AND DRINKING MY OWN URINE

MELANIE GRIFFITH HAS HER LIPS INJECTED WITH FETAL STEM-CELLS. IT'S TRUE I READ IT SOMEWHERE.

I TOOK STELLA'S GROOVE THAT ONE TIME

AL GORE INVENTED THE INTERNET BECAUSE HE WAS LOOKING AROUND THE HOUSE FOR PICTURES OF PENISES AND HE COULDN'T FIND ANY. IT'S IN A BOOK, LOOK IT UP!

THE GLOBE AND ITS CONTINENTS AS TAUGHT IN SCHOOL ARE ACTUALLY A FALSE FRONT TO FOOL PEOPLE INTO UTILIZING AIRPLANES WHEN ALL THEY REALLY DO IS FLY OUT FROM PANGAEA, MAKE ONE SLOW TURN AND THEN LAND IN A "DIFFERENT COUNTRY." THERE ARE SECRET ROADS THAT MAKE SEOUL AND ROME REASONABLE DAY TRIPS FROM TORONTO.

^this is like that rare occasion that a tabloid headline story is actually right

TIM GUNN IS THE NEXT POPE

http://z.about.com/d/sbinformation/1/0/K/Mr_Peanut.jpg

CREATED BY R. CRUMB DURING HIS 2ND ACID TRIP.

GOD

THE RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT OF CELLULAR PHONE TECHNOLOGY WAS INSPIRED BY THAT EPISODE OF SAVED BY THE BELL WHERE ZACK MORRIS HAD TO USE THAT HUGE CELL PHONE TO TALK TO HIS BUSY DAD; SAVED THE BELL WRITERS INCLUDED THE "CELL PHONE" IN THAT EPISODE AS A JOKE, TO SHOW HOW ADVANCED CALIFORNIA WAS, AND HOW POPULAR ZACK WAS

I INVENTED THE VIRUS NOW KNOWN AS H.I.V. IN 1978 WHILE HONEYMOONING WITH DIANA SPENCER

I FIND ACHEWOOD AMUSING

ONCE SPENT ENTIRE DAY AS WOMBAT

DERRIDA STARTED POST-STRUCTURALISM AS PART OF A BET WITH L. RON HUBBARD.

i think that one's true

THAT ISN'T REALLY MARSHALL MCLUHAN IN "ANNIE HALL," IT'S JUST SOME GUY.

AN ADVANCED ALIEN CIVILIZATION GRANTS TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS TO THE US GOVERNMENT IN EXCHANGE FOR ENORMOUS SUPPLIES OF TAB WHICH IS WHY YOU NEVER SEE IN IN THE STORES NO MORE AND IS ALSO WHY ELVIS FAKED HIS DEATH AND WENT TO LIVE WITH THE ALIENS BECAUSE AS HE SAYS IN THE ALTERNATIVE SPOKEN WORD PART OF LOVE ME TENDER A WORLD WITHOUT TAB AND GRILLED CHEESES IS A WORLD NOT WORTH LIVING IN.

THE UNIX OPERATING SYSTEM WAS CREATED USING INSTRUCTIONS FOUND ON COPTIC TEXTS DATING FROM THE THIRD AND FOURTH CENTURIES A.D. AND IS ACTUALLY IN ITSELF A WORKING PROOF OF SEVERAL GNOSTIC PRINCIPLES

IF YOU READ ARTICLE II, SECTION 3 OF THE U.S. CONSTITUTION BACKWARDS SLOWLY, IT SAYS "TURN ME ON, DEAD WHITE MALES."

THERE WAS NO ICEBERG, THE TITANIC SPRUNG A BIG FUCKING LEAK.

THE PLOT OF THE FILM STRAW DOGS IS A METAPHOR FOR THE SPACE RACE

SINCE 1996 LARRY KING AND DOCTOR RUTH HAVE GOTTEN TOGETHER ON ALTERNATE TUESDAY NIGHTS TO CO-AUTHOR THE DEFINITIVE 600 PAGE MANUSCRIPT ON PLATONIC ANAL PLAY.

THE SEEDS IN RANCH DRESSING ARE NOT POPPY, THEY ARE GNATS

'CASABLANCA' WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED 'ME AND UNCLE TOM HERE KILL SOME NAZIS' BEFORE BOTH ITS TITLE AND SCRIPT UNDERWENT SOME LAST MINUTE REVISIONS.

IN THE LATE 80S I WAS IN A PERKINS RESTROOM AND SOME GUY WAS HAVING HORRENDOUS CONSTIPATION, GRUNTING AND PUSHING AND MUTTERING "CMON CMON" TO HIMSELF AND EVENTUALLY THERE WAS A BIG PLOP AND SIGH OF RELIEF. I WASHED MY HANDS AND LEFT, BUT A FEW MINUTES LATER I SAW JIMMY STEWART WALK OUT OF THE BATHROOM. THEN HE ORDERED THE CHOCOLATE-CHIP PANCAKES.

MOTHER TERESA WAS PREGNANT WITH MY CHILD WHEN I HAD HER ASSASSINATED.

INTELLIGENT DESIGN IS SENSIBLE

THE TEXT OF MASON & DIXON IS A HUGE ACROSTIC, WHICH SPELLS OUT THE TEXT OF THE CRYING OF LOT 49

hahahahahaha

MY PENIS IS SO LONG I CURRENTLY HAVE IT WRAPPED AROUND THE ENTIRE CIRCUMFERENCE OF MY WAIST LIKE A BELT.

FROM DECEMBER 2002 UNTIL FEBRUARY 2003, STEPHEN HAWKING, ROSIE O'DONNELL, MERYL STREEP, FORMER SECRETARY SECRETARY-GENERAL OF THE UNITED NATIONS KOFI ANNAN, AND THE GUY WHO PLAYED "BONER" ON GROWING PAINS COOPERATED IN A TOP-SECRET EFFORT TO WIPE OUT THE COMMON COLD. USING THEMSELVES AS GUINEA PIGS, THEY ATTEMPTED TREAT THE DISEASE BY PLAYING THE NES GAME RAD RACER WITH A MATTEL POWER GLOVE FOR WEEKS ON END. THEIR EFFORTS WERE UNSUCCESSFUL, THOUGH KOFI MANAGED TO BEAT HIS PREVIOUS RECORD.

Frighteningly plausible.

xpost, to 69

WHOOPI GOLDBERG OWNS THE WORLD'S LARGEST PRIVATE WORLD WAR I MEMORABILIA COLLECTION

I HAVE GROWN A BETTER BEARD THAN EVEN DEVENDRA BANHARTS BEARD AND ALSO I AM MARRIED TO HIM.

THE RINGWOOD BYPASS DOES NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF RINGWOOD.

"OTHER NATURAL FLAVORS" IS USUALLY BALEEN

PLANTERS MASCOT MR PEANUT IS REALLY A NAZI WAR CRIMINAL NAMED HANS ERDNUSS

ALPHAVILLE IS A DOCUMENTARY

ANTONIN SCALIA FREQUENTLY ALLOWS A WAX AND CLOCKWORK AUTOMATON TO TAKE HIS PLACE ON LESS-IMPORTANT DECISIONS

this is the lies thread.

no it isn't.

AMERICAN SPIRIT CIGARETTES ARE SO EXPENSIVE BECAUSE THEY PAY PAUL RUDD TO REMOVE THE CANCER FROM THEM AND REPLACE IT WITH CHEMICALS THAT IMPROVE YOUR ABILITY TO REMEMBER THE NAMES OF JAZZ BASSISTS BY 30%, A POWER HE WAS GRANTED BY NAKED SUFIS IN THE MOHAVE DESERT WHEN ON BREAK FROM FILMING OSCAR WINNING FILM DEATH WISH 8.

THE DEATHENING.

jfk was suicide.

I WAS THE MILKY BAR KID FROM 1971-1974.

THE BLACK STUFF IN YOUR IRIS ACTUALLY CONSISTS OF SOULS OF ALL THE POTENTIAL BABIES WHO WERE NEVER BORN BECAUSE YOU WERE.

I KILLED 2PAC

THIS IS THE BESTEST ILX THREAD EVER!!!

JET OF BLOOD FROM A SLASHED JUGULAR VEIN IS POWERFUL ENOUGH TO STUN A TORTOISE UNCONSCIOUS

SUFJAN STEVENS ACTUALLY INVENTED THE "CRANK THAT" DANCE BUT HE WASN'T VERY GOOD AT IT SO HE LET SOULJA BOY HAVE IT

THERE'S SOMEBODY FOR EVERYBODY.

She must be busy.

SITTING IN YOUR BED FOR 8 HOURS WATCHING BAD MASS MARKET FILMS IN HIGH DEFINITION IS AN EXCELLENT CURE FOR DEPRESSION, TENNIS ELBOW, AND THE GOUT.

SOCCER HAS ACTUALLY BEEN THE MOST POPULAR SPORT IN AMERICA SINCE THE EARLY 80s, BUT THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION HAD TO SUPPRESS THIS INFORMATION IN ORDER TO WIN THE COLD WAR

oh come on, that's only a half-truth

MCDONALD'S HAMBURGER PATTIES ARE MADE FROM COMMERCIALLY-AVAILABLE DOG FOOD VIA AN OBSCURE DEVICE KNOWN AS THE REVERSE-BLENDER. THERE IS NO FINANCIAL REASON FOR THIS; RAY KROC JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY.

IF YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE COMMITS SUICIDE AND THE POLICE FIND ANY ELLIOTT SMITH ON YOUR HARDDRIVE, THEY KILL YOU TOO AND THEN GIVE EVERYONE ON YOUR HALL FREE PIZZA TO KEEP IT QUIET

MY BLOODY VALENTINE'S BREAKTHROUGH ALBUM Loveless (1991) IS PEOPLE! IT'S PEEEEEEEOOOOOPPPPPPPLLLEEE!

MY FARTS SMELL LIKE A MOON MADE OF ROSES

MY NAME IS MEHMED MEHMEDBASIC I FAILED IN MY ATTEMPT TO KILL FRANZ FERDINAND

IF YOU KICK ILX TROLLS IN THE NUTS, CANDY COMES OUT OF THEIR EARS

IF YOU STEP ON A CRACK IN THE SIDEWALK, YOU WILL NEVER GET INTO HARVARD THEY HAVE A DATABASE THAT DOWNLOADS THE INFORMATION FROM YOUR SHOES

JOHN HOWARD IS CONCERNED ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING.

NABISCO IS A CRACKER