Funny because it's true

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal, or conservative with a cause, is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." - Beep. - "Uh, yeah ... this is the VD clinic calling ... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections ... who can't remember what to do with them.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Have you ever noticed? ... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often, and that passes for good on television.

I wish people spent less time praying and more time trying to solve the problems religion was created to help us endure.

I've learned that ....
The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
When you're in love, it shows.
Just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
Having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
Being kind is more important than being right.
You should never say no to a gift from a child.
I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
Simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
Money doesn't buy class.
It's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be held when it is a life threatening situation.
The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
The more smiles you give the more you get back and the better you and everybody around you feels.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough.