Articles that show up in _____________ magazine every couple months

Reader's Digest:

- A courageous story of hope (human)
- New thing that is killing you
- Internets is scary: child predation or identity theft
- A courageous story of hope (pet)
- A courageous story of hope (military)
- Old people health problems

Mojo: Beatles and/or Pink Floyd ... EXPOSED!!!

I'm not talking like monthly features here, just themes that get recycled like hell, esp. due to limited content restraints.

Men's Health:

even months: PECS
odd months: ABS

Seventeen:

- Tongue-kissing: is it scary? how to do it?
- Here are all makeups & accessories 4 u
- Teen does service/makes difference/has notable accomplishment
- Young male celebrity interview with completely non-threatening content
- Young female celebrity interview where she discusses her 'struggles'

Also:
- The right type of haircut for the shape of yr face; how to do X kind of hairstyle

i know from the grocery line that Cosmo finds brand-new sex positions and/or ways to have an orgasm every month

make him scream with these SEXY SEX TIPS! --cosmo or whichever xpost haha

The New Yorker:

- Fiction. Hooray. Exactly why people buy magazines nowadays.
- This thing that's at the Whitney is really important.
- lolDenby.

- Tongue-kissing: is it scary? how to do it? lol

The answer is always "open your lips a little and let the guy take the lead," like the shy teenaged boy knows any better than you do how to do the tongue-kissing! wtf

cat fancy: something to do with felines

mother jones: HUMAN POLLUTION IS DESTROYING THE EARTH'S ECOSYSTYEM
NYer: "I WISH I WERE TALLER"

New York Magazine: "There are people in Manhattan who make way more money than you, but if you know lots of stuff about them, you can almost pretend to be one of them"

ha

Highlights for children:

"Gallant: still a smug fuck"

Every alt-weekly: "This judicial appointment / zoning decision / nepotistic contract is TOTAL SLEAZY BULLSHIT, and I guarantee that if you read more than one third of this article, you would be completely APPALLED. Okay, you can look at the comics now."

GQ / Details:

- How to Buy a Suit to Fit Your Body Type
- Your Boss / Your Co-workers / Your Girlfriend / Your Wife / Your Roommate: They Are Crazy, but Here is How to Deal With Them
- Masculinity: How You Are Different From / Same As Your Dad
- Q: Are You Making Enough Money? A: No You Are Not.

I hate magazines

SAVE IT FOR THE FUNERAL

hahaha

FHM: "this hot young starlet would totally bone you if you got her drunk"

People: "this average housewife overcame [crippling disease/brutal death of family member/weight problem] and now has a successful business making [pillows/dogfood/wheelchairs for disabled kids]"

Us/Starz: "Celebrity couple of the minute: deeply in love/cheating on each other/what went wrong?"

Oprah: "Oprah"

GQ: 100 watches you must buy on your skiing holiday otherwise Jessica Alba won't fuck you

2600:
- another way to red box that doesn't work since redboxes haven't worked in the first world since the clinton administration
- hacking <some boring shit like cable tv or gmail> that details all the publicly exposed data like uh signaling pinouts or ajax urls but no actual "hacking" by zeroc00l23✧✧✧@hotm✧✧✧.c✧✧
- omg the us <government|cc companies> r teh bad

Highlights for children:

"Gallant: still a smug fuck"

^lol

New Scientist:

"Higgs Boson remains elusive"
"Climate change even more advanced than last month"
"Here's a picture of a nebula"

I used to have a good list like this for Utne Reader, but it's been so long since I've actually read the magazine that I can't even think what was on it. Maybe something about how to be a hip, progressive parent, followed by an article about how the work-week needs to be reduced or how to quit your job and go live on an organic farm.

With a review of the new Kronos Quartet album in the back.

Modern Drummer:

"look the same companies are still making gear for you to buy"
"here are some double-bass drum patterns to give you KILLER CHOPS, dude, provided you put in the hours of practice of course"

Utne Reader: How thinly supported, barely researched pop science can work for YOU!

"Why We Dream: The Mystery Continues... To Bore Us"

"I interact with a poor person and reflect how they are different than me"

Penthouse Forum: "My Timid Wife Turned Out To Be A Gangbang-loving Slut!"

xpost Fortunately, to fill the hole in my life left by Utne Reader, there's public radio.

Thank god for all us quirky poor people, providing dull and exploitative fodder for liberals!

(Full disclosure: I listen to This American Life every week, without exception.)

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/this_american_life_completes

That is one of my fave Onion articles: "St. Patrick's Day and the Jew."

professionals who dine out frequently and have a hard time getting angry

Safe: I'm shy of their $62,500 cutoff and have sadly left behind my difficulty with getting angry. SO FAR BEHIND.

NOT EVEN VISIBLE IN THE REAR VIEW, JERKSTORE

I think nabisco is trying too hard to enjoy being angry. It's just not his thing, yannow?

Rolling Stone: OMG GLOBAL WARMING: A SPECIAL REPORT

Harper's: A Roundtable on the End of the World

Outside: The Hot Babes of Downhill Ostrich Racing.

Real Simple: How to Make a Doormat Out of Old Toothbrush Heads And Other Nifty Ways to Recycle Your Stuff

that does not sound simple.

WIRE: "Gulvar Hjaanesn - The Science of Screaming", "Put Put Cortregeda - Yambolo Kegeda", "Gookfont 500 - Grantchester Scrotum"

Harper's: The Coming Severe Shortage of an Essential Resource You Did Not Even Realize You Use (w/apocalyptic cover painting)

Cooking Light: multiple letters to the editor about the deliciousness and healthiness of the recipes, article about random health and beauty products, fitness article that will make feel bad about your abs but still not do anything it, all followed by a huge section of mediocre recipes that will not fill you up so that an hour after dinner you are in the refrigerator snarfing down some brie cheese and half a pint of Haagen-Daz

Also in Cooking Light:

-Spice up your next party with something completely new and exotic: Bruschetta!
-How to feed your kids in ten minutes every night using mostly PAM!
-Unlock the amazing health benefits of the humble garbanzo bean!

Macworld:
- How to keep your data safe from prying eyes
- 78 cool freeware/shareware apps
- How to take better digital photos
- Thorough review of the lastest dot-fix or minor hardware/software gadget while we tread water furiously, waiting for the latest OS or major hardware overhaul to whoop about

The Wisden Cricketer: "WHO will challenge Australia?"

-How to feed your kids in ten minutes every night using mostly PAM!

hahahahaha

Guitar World:

-A Tribute to Dimebag - R.I.P. Bro
-Previously unavailable information about Jimi Hendrix ("In his teenage years, Jimi bagged groceries at Safeway...")
-Kurt Cobain - Guitar God?
-Tabulature for Steve Miller Band's "The Joker"