Search: Steven Wright One-Liners

My favourite: "I put instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time."

-- Myonga Vön Bontee, Wednesday, November 28, 2007 12:32 AM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

"I like to put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room and let them fight it out"

"I was playing poker with Tarot cards the other night. I got a full house, and four people died."

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

useful site that lists the wrongly attributed quotes as well, by the way: http://www.wright-house.com/steven-wright/steven-wright-jokes.html

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

It's pretty dated now, but I remember howling as a youth to "I got an answering machine for my car phone. It says "I'm home right now, so leave a message."

"The Earth is bi-polar."

"Sometimes I... No, I don't."

"The first time I saw a dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything."

"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out.'"

"I got a microwave fireplace. Yeah. I can curl up in front of it all night in less than a minute."

"I was walking past a shop that had a sign on it that said 'Open 24 Hours'. The owner was leaving and he was locking the door behind him. I was like 'What gives? I thought you were open 24 hours?' He was like 'Not in a row.'"

Not exactly a one-liner I guess

Ha I missed that bit. Oh well most of them are more than one line anyway...

"I can levitate birds. No one cares."

eh, you can post non-one-liners too

hey thanks

"It's a small world, but i wouldn't want to paint it"

"Somebody broke into my house and replaced all my possessions with exact duplicates"

or something.

I also like his comment re: movies being formatted to fit your television "which is a good thing because otherwise you'd just see a giant thumb".

"The ice cream truck in my neighborhood played 'Helter Skelter'."

"Today I... No, that wasn't me."

"You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time."

"You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs,... just testing!"

All of these are fucking brilliant.

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"You know what's a really dangerous insect? That Hepatitis B."

"This season, the colours for men are brown, white and pink. I read that in Neopolitan magazine.

"When my grandfather was ill, my grandmother would rub him all over with margarine. After that, he went downhill very quickly."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

"One time I pulled my head up between my legs and I parted my ass cheeks with my tongue, gently flicking and twirling around my anus for hours, overwhelmed by countless orgasms. You could say it was a real cheeky affair. "

http://www.nndb.com/people/700/000022634/steven-wright.jpg

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"I went to the hardware store yesterday and bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house."

"I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future but only way off to the side"

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

(said to not be SW, but close enough)

does anyone remember his song "hey hey rachel"? it wasn't comedy and it was just him and an acoustic guitar. if you didn't know it was him you might mistake his singing voice for a slightly more baritone j mascis.

didn't that song have lines about his girlfriend throwing frisbees around the room during sex...? cuz that was pretty comedic.

i thought it was autobiographic. will have to further research the matter.

One time I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

My high school's colors were clear. We used to say "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

Was Mitch Hedberg a fan? (eg, "Waffles are just pancakes with syrup traps")