Best Onion Columnist

Very difficult. I think Gorzo the Mighty's 5 or so columns are some of the best things the Onion has ever done. On the other hand, Anchower, teasdale and Smoove B are always funny, if repetitive. Kornfeld RIP: live by the spreadhseet, die by the spreadsheet.

i had to go jackie harvey.

yeah so this is a diff Q for one
the rest vote Smoove B solid as a rock
respek th' ded son
or maybe I should say
RESPEK THA FUCKIN DED

a real bro we'll all missem

one would hope that one's newly invented patois might gain some traction

I never "got" Jean Teasdale.

Then, when we have each finished eating our meals, I will lay your body down on a bedsheet comprised of 100 percent silk, which I will purchase in advance from the finest store in this city. Then, just before we freak, I will inquire as to how you like the feel of the sheets. If you inform me that you do not like it, I will travel to other cities around the world until I locate a store that sells sheets that are more to your satisfaction. Then, I will purchase those sheets and return home to put them on the bed for you.

It is then that I will hit you doggy-style.

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If you read a bunch of them, it all becomes rather uncomfortable, particularly when she gets befriended by some "ironic" hipsters and laughed at by them (although she does get her own back in quite poignant fashion).

Dressing your dog as Boba Fett is something you have to dedicated an entire weekend to.

I never "got" Jean Teasdale.

-- Curt1s Stephens, Friday, November 30, 2007 11:22 AM (9 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

damn son, she is the spiritual mother of half of this board.

If Smoove B (RIP) loses, I'm just gonna go ahead and commit my part of the apocalypse ASAP

war, famine & plague can eat my shit, tbh

yeah that whole "white people writing in black slang" thing never gets old, does it? gimme a break.

-- Shakey Mo Collier, Friday, June 17, 2005 8:11 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Link

"Shakey Mo Doesn't Get It" should be an Onion t-shirt.

But man I love Larry Groznic, he doesn't do enough. "Don't Come Crying to Me When You Need Someone Who Speaks Elvish" is diamond-studded platinum.

He reminds me of the Eltingville Fantasy and Comics Club characters.

Jean T is the most fully developed character, Anchower is like an old friend, I've always had love for the H-Dog. At the risk of bringing on the apocalypse I've gotta say I'm not that into Smoove B. The punchlines can be great, but the build-ups are interminable.

i think smoove is best rly but vote jackie out of professional solidarity.

Yes The Onion isn't funny anymore

Do people really say that? I still get at least 2 or 3 good laughs out of every single issue!

The byline pictures are so well done.

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First law of ILX states that any thread about some funny shit will feature a post from one of the usual suspects claiming it's not funny.

Jackie Harvey is the only one I can ID

It's between Harvey and Teasdale for me.

As someone who was all into these back in college, I have to say I kind of lost my shit when they did the Smoove B / Anchower crossover a while back -- Smoove's column was like "I Can Please You Better Than This Other Man" or something, and then on the next page Anchower's was like "So I'm Dating This Black Chick," and talking about some dude following them around and ranting about corn being served.

It was tough, but I had to go with Anchower because he's like an old friend...or perhaps a part of myself that I have lost.

this is hard! i'm leaning towards teasdale. the character makes me sad, tbh

i didn't know larry groznic was a regular

I miss T. Herman Zwiebel the most, by far. His last name is German for "onion."

Teasdale I love bcz she is so real, my home town was full of people like her. Loveable loser. She does kind of break my heart. And A Site of Jean's Own is pretty great.

Anchower or Kornfeld

Anchower is damn great, too. My favorite of him is when he wanted a dragon painted on the hood of his car and his friend painted Pete's Dragon on it.

can't choose between harvey and anchower. teasdale is a great creation but makes me sad not LOL.

Jackie H, but this was a hard choice

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

I love Jim Anchower. I have to confess, he makes me think of Nickalish, which is really a bit horrible of me but its in a loving way honest I swear :D

Jackie Harvey has made me LOL (literally) a bunch of times, so...

anchower!!! and nabisco totally otm upthread

like for real otm, no meta-joke about 'lol nabisco otm'

'hola dudes, I know it's been a long time since I rapped atcha' - Anchower for the win - (c'mon rally folks - he's such a loser otherwise)...

kornfeld, although i've not looked at the onion in ages.

Smoove's column was like "I Can Please You Better Than This Other Man" or something, and then on the next page Anchower's was like "So I'm Dating This Black Chick," and talking about some dude following them around and ranting about corn being served

HAHAHAHA: fuckin' genius.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

Lone Zwiebel booster here.

Smoove is hurt so bad. You know Smoove is the only columnist who can truly satisfy you.

im glad that jim and jackie won because they could probably be ILX posters

I believe Jean posted here under an assumed name until recently.

i think jean would be 'happy' with her placement

The funny part about the Smoove / Anchower crossover was that it made me realize I imagined them in specific different places, something I'd never actually thought about: I know exactly why I think of Anchower as living in the middle of Illinois, but I was freaked out to have part of my brain go "this is impossible, Smoove lives in Minneapolis!" For years my brain has believed, for zero reason, that Smoove lives in Minneapolis

maybe you think smoove is really Prince

i can assure you smoove does not live in minneapolis!

i always thought smoove lived in chicago, while anchower lived in madison. he's a very midwest small-city kind of burnout.

they both live in the hearts and minds of the world's children

Actually I think I remember the reason: a friend of mine somehow tracked down the source of the Smoove B photo, a press shot for some minor r&b group -- maybe he told me they were from Minneapolis or something.

Later that night, I was sitting at home just trying to figure out what the fuck happened, when the phone rang. ... This guy comes on and says, "Is this Jim Anchower?" Now, usually when someone says that, I hang up and don't answer the phone for the rest of the day, since anyone who uses my last name is some bill collector looking to corner me. But I was a little baked, so I say, "Yeah?"

This guy comes back saying that this girl is nothing but trouble. It took me a while to figure out exactly who he was talking about. It ain't like I got girls crawling all over me, but I ain't even made out with the black chick yet. He told me that if I freaked her doggy-style it would be the biggest mistake I ever made. I'm gonna be straight: Until then, I hadn't thought about how I was going to freak her one way or the other, but no one tells Jim Anchower how not to freak someone.

I would have told him so in so many words, but he kept on talking. He went on and on about how theirs was some kind of unicorn love, that he was a king and I was trying to come between him and his queen and that he was going to make some sort of feast for her and buy all kinds of sheets and pillows. I was waiting to get a word in, but after like 15 minutes of "love her up" this and "do her" that, I started to get a little worked up.

So I hung up on him, and before he could call back, I gave her a call to see if she wanted to go out. ...

Since then, we've gone out a few times. That dude, I guess he's her ex-boyfriend or something, keeps calling me and telling me I about how I shouldn't stand in the way of true love. He usually goes on like that for a minute and then starts wailing and moaning softly and talking about recipes and fabrics and shit.

"No one tells Jim Anchower how not to freak someone"

Even from all the way across the Circuit City parking lot, I could tell he was not right for you. ... I do not mean to be petty, for you know that is beneath me, but I must point out that he was wearing a winter hat in the middle of the summer. What kind of man does this? The summer is a time to dress in light silk finery. It is not a time to bundle up.

i assumed smoove was a chicagoan of a piece with the r kellyness of it, but locating him the same nowheresville suburb as the rest of them makes a lot of sense

I love me a bit of Department Head Rawlings.

i got their atlas, "our stupid world", for christmas. you have no idea how funny it is!

If she hadn't already coined the word, I would've done it for her: she's Fergalicious—half Fergie and half delicious!