you're home for the holidays: irritating relatives, enforced sing-alongs, and furtive nips of liquour when bringing out the trash

Walking down to Carmel Beach along Ocean Avenue, occasionally seeing Ralph Lauren in his car.

is the car plaid?

male relative to me, 7:15, first morning after i've arrived from los angeles: 'jet lag is a shysty ruse. go shovel snow and then complain about feeling like it's only four a.m.'

is the car plaid?

No, but if only. He's usually getting coffee or the like.

"If you think you're enlightened, spend some time with your family of origin"

!

lol remy is descended from hardmen

definitely, definitely adopted

during caroling last night i enforced the singing of all twelve verses of children go where i send thee

if someone gives you a gift and then turns to everyone in the room and says: "THERE IS A FUNNY STORY BEHIND THIS!", they are lying.

two days of shopping and cleaning in preparation for in-law family to arrive for the day of present giving and inane chatterboxing :-(((

I've been told that a relative of mine is giving me Taco Bell gift certificates for the third year in a row, despite the fact that I've previously made it clear that I don't have a car to go to Taco Bell, and that I don't really like Taco Bell. I'm already preparing my game face for the gifter/giftee interaction.

MY STEP-MOTHER'S MOTHER: "I was on the news once."
ME: "Oh, really? What for?"
MSMM: "You can probably guess what for" [nervous laughter]
ME: "Ha, no really. Did you rob a bank or something?"
MSMM: "We were on the news when my second husband was killed driving into a pine tree. I was unconscious for 45 minutes."
ME: "Oh, yeah. That."

followed by a nervous chuckle

This is the first Christmas ever in my life that I will not be hanging out with my family. Just me, the wife, her brother, and brother's wife 2,000 miles and three time zones away from my family and in-laws. I'm very excited about this.

My mother has had these '12 Days of Christmas' plates for years, and the annual tradition is that the plates are set face down at the table and when you sit down to eat, your 'number' is revealed. Then we all sing the goddam song (my dad videotapes it every year). There is lots of clamoring, trading of plates (everyone wants 11 or 12, as everyone but my little sidster and mother thinks this tradition is the pits)

I'm running out of funny ways to ruin it by inserting things about lepers and transvestites into the song

I will also expect many 'hot chocolate gift baskets,' socks, and possibly gift certificates to stores I never go to. Ho, ho, ho!

I'm looking at a $50 gift card to Chili's, Macaroni Grill, On the Border, Corner Bakery, Big bowl, or Maggiano's.

I can't fathom us ever using it.

It's rare that we go out to dinner anyway these days, but when we get the chance, it sure as hell ain't Chili's.

fare thee well

I'll trade you my Taco Bell Bux for Chili's gift certificate.

on a related note: holiday parental i.t. dept, reporting for duty (part 2)

i have been completely broke and have not yet bought 1 gift. i have come down with a nasty cold since arriving at my parents house. tried to drink it away last night but it didn't really work and now i feel worse.

local newspaper headline: "Yakult Drama"

i haven't been home for xmas in 10yrs, mostly because it's too much of a pain to get back there for just one day (which is all i get off). but this is actually a good thing: my mum's a pain in the ass, by older bro is a fuckface who i refuse to talk to, and my extended family are hicks.

this year i will be renting old favourite dvds, buying a ton of yum foodstuffs, and hanging out with my guy.

i also may get drunk of the bottle of mondoro asti my boss gave me for my birthday.

I will also expect many 'hot chocolate gift baskets,' socks, and possibly gift certificates to stores I never go to. Ho, ho, ho!

-- If Assholes Could Fly This Place Would Be An Airport, Saturday, 22 December 2007 19:16 (3 hours ago) Link

I actually think socks are a fine present, providing they're really nice ones. I'm frequently upgrading my sock collection. I love socks. I got my daughter-in-law three pairs of cashmere-blend polka-dot socks. Things could be MUCH MUCH worse, IACFTPWBAA.

i wish someone would buy me socks for xmas!! i really really need some, and i never have enough pairs! secret santa, if you are reading this and haven't got me a gift, now you know.

once again (third year running, woo) my parents and i are staying at home, and not even going to see relatives at all except for my childless aunt and uncle, who are both total nerds and give me $75 iTunes Store certificates on every special occasion. they are fucking great.

but when we used to see relatives, it was always a shitshow. my mom's family are all a bunch of redneck drunks and too-serious military men, and my dad's family are all super-WASP or super-tacky-Jews.

so yeah, my parents have been making wise decisions for a bit now.

NONSTOP LECTURES

I stopped at a bar and had a couple of drinks before the annual extended-family dinner/get together (where drinking in front of the Baptists would be frowned upon). It was weird sitting at a bar, drinking by myself, at 5 in the afternoon.

Also, the booze didn't last long enough to keep me from being miserable. Next year I'm bringing a flask.

cut your hair
buy new jeans
"but I'm 24 years old"

you're coming to church with us on sunday, right?
let me buy you some new jeans
do you want some more coffee?
yes, but do you want some more coffee?

a
agagh;asldkgfh

let me buy you some new jeans

^^ yes, this. or shoes, or sweatshirt, or coat. i am eternally too raggedy for my family.

i leave tomorrow morning for just five days... going to need to pick up some weed, definitely, and it's a good thing i can drink with my family or else i'd be much less good humoured. also planning on going to bed early and reading throughout my "vacation" unless i'm out with pals. loitering around at home, getting suckered into tedious domino games is UNACCEPTABLE. also good this year: bringing a laptop, but i don't think either of my parents has wifi.

no WiFi would mean no dice for me. i forced my parents to get it right before i took a semester off.

ha. at least they have wired innernets. my mom was dial up until about two years ago!

my parents are STILL on dial-up. it takes an average of about 5mins to load a page.

i'm going to watch approximately 9458 episodes of law & order.

and animal planet and the food network. oh god how i miss cable tv.

My parents had the internet and then gave it up about 6 months ago. I don't think my mom touched it once. Christmas would be way more fun if I get shitfaced like any other normal person at a family gathering, but instead it's a stone cold sober reflection on the glory of Jesus. No internet, no booze - I'm just going to bust through Tropic of Cancer and Capricorn and smirk at everyone.

our christmas dinner is veal ossu buco which i am very excited for. though i have never gotten into sucking out the marrow.

my housemate has cable, but my parents don't, which is probably for the best. today, i read all the back issues of Harper's and the New Yorker that I missed.

I'm heading off to my parents place interstate this evening for 3 days at home, which is a bit daft because neither of my brothers or any of their little kiddies will be in attendance; my nan had a stroke and has only just come out of hospital so is too sick to go anywhere, and me and my dad both lost our jobs a couple weeks ago so no one has any money.

Oh, and my b/f cant come with me so I'll be without him on xmas day.

Whee.

i was making muffins. dad came and pushed me out of the way to get to the dishwasher. i said 'hey, don't push' and he said 'buzz the hell off' and went in his room and slammed the door. mom came into the kitchen five minutes later and told me, very seriously, that i had offended my dad and that he didn't feel like seeing me right then. 'okay' i said. 'this is such a disappointment,' mom replied.

i am a barely-contained ball of punching

:-/

my parents, unable to fit both a turkey and much else into our tiny fridge, have turned an entire room of the house into some sort of cooling-plant. not going in there again. *sniffs, coughs, blows nose*

This thread is hilarious.

and also tragic

I am always amazed that you're on speaking terms with your family, remy, much less willing to visit them in person.

i know. and in spite of the way these threads make it seem, we are actually really close.

Lol "the hottest, strongest economy"

People may incorrectly tell you that President Trump is doing nothing to help our environment, but the facts tell a different story.

...

America’s environmental record is one of the strongest in the world and the U.S. has also been a world leader in reducing carbon emissions for over a decade.

...

President Trump approved the Dakota Access Pipeline, the Keystone XL Pipeline, and the New Burgos Pipeline.

America is now the world’s largest oil producer and in 2017 the United States became a net natural gas exporter for the first time in 60 years!

Crude oil exports nearly doubled in 2018, reaching a record average of 2 million barrels a day.

Coal exports reached their highest level in five years in 2018

Thanks to President Trump’s negotiations, the European Union agreed to import more Liquid Natural Gas from the United States – resulting in a 272% increase in exports to the EU.

A 'different story' indeed.

that's quite a nip

literally just spent 2 hours on a mountainside with my wife and 8-y-o because my father-in-law didn't wait for us at a fork in the path. when we called him with 5% left on our phone he said he was "too tired" to come get us and sent somebody who had never been up in the mountains before. they almost got lost as well - they were not on the path - and we found each other by shouting (eventually). at that point we had no water and no battery and the sun had gone behind the ridge. (the snacks had been in the father-in-law's backpack.) we got back and of course he berates us for ruining his day by making him anxious.

Christ. You may want to consider spending Christmas away from him next year (easier said than done, I know, I know).

.

FOOD COMA

Holiday *huggles* to everybody, especially warm *huggles* to Tracer Hand and family.

FOOD COMA

Just pour some extra wine/beer/liquor on top of it.

spending it dandling a 6 week old of immaculate temperament while everyone else does actual useful stuff, yet i seem to be getting kudos for this

result imo

I got a pair of techno trousers for Christmas!

holy shit Tracer, glad you're OK

plz don't get lost in the wild for Christmas :o

yeah :(

my son was considerably less panicky then we were, partic when the sun went down. extended family full of all kinds of knowledgeable, reassuring information once we'd gotten back. for instance, there are a few ruined stone barns out there. so we could have found shelter if we'd needed it. you know if push came to shove. and they would have called they police when it got dark and they've got a helicopter and dogs and everything. so really it would have been fine in the end. absolutely ANYTHING instead of apologising and giving my wife a hug. just incredible. but it will never ever come. and she's got to figure out a way to accept that and forgive them. for this and for every other thing like this since she was a girl.

yeah jeez tracer glad u guys are ok

oh tracer, massive hugs to you and your wife

thank you :)

Christ, glad you’re all safe.

What an ass. Glad to hear you and yours are ok, TH.

nothing like a little primal fear to get the holidays going! we've all been hearing how they've reintroduced brown bears to the Pyrenees over the past few years. farmers hate them because they apparently eat the odd sheep or five. there are supposedly now 14 in this part of the mountains. at one point after the sun goes down my 8 y o says "Daddy I don't want to go to sleep out here and get eaten by a bear" and I'm about to automatically say, c'mon don't be silly, that's not going to happen, but i think about it for a second and i think to myself "me neither"

why are you still visiting these people?!

I cooked a big Hannukah dinner Monday night and a big Christmas Eve dinner last night, and now I'm exhausted. Luckily my in-laws are in charge of Christmas dinner, so all I have to do is sit here and take it easy today.

Tracer I can safely say that your in-laws are the worst people alive

My in-laws (also French)are pretty bad but this is some next level sociopathic shit.

every bit of tv & radio xmas entertainment has jokes about families having arguments at xmas and my family never do, and it's just sort of embarrassing to watch / listen with them while they make this apparently relatable reference

^^^ cosigned (by someone whose family constantly try to passive-aggressively micromanage each other all year round)

my youngest brother just deliberately through a system of condescending loans, allowances and 'gifts' made a game of monopoly last 3 hours when he should have just won after 1. he is a chaos lord. at least he was quite droll about it

i now own a carrom board, who will challenge me

Pretty much why monopoly is the worst game

it is an accurate simulation of capitalism at least - it's obvious pretty much instantly who's going to win, and then you spend what feels like a lifetime going through the charade of making out like any other result is possible

The history of Monopoly / Landlord's Game is fascinating if anyone doesn't already know about it.

https://99percentinvisible.org/episode/the-landlords-game/

Geez, Tracer. That sounds awful.

Commiserations, Tracer. And congrats for not completely losing your shit at FIL.

My mom asked my fam in a call with my 17 y/o— who is an old, wise soul— “what are you all doing for the Eve?” And the kid answered “Christmas Eve is when we all go out to dinner at a Syrian restaurant and get in a massive fight.”

The nerve. I mean, yeah, last year was rough, but ay, kid, that lambshank was free for you. Respect, pls.

So tonight we went to restaurant Damascus and we did indeed end up shouting at each other. Twice. I was bitter, but NOT. MY. FAULT.

^this story is true, but mainly I so missed this thread. I don’t generally nip anymore, but I could use one.

On the one hand I guess it's nice that after two years we're finally seeing people again but also thank fuck for beer

tis the season for the numbing comforts of brown liquor

Can’t really drink much anymore so…emotional eating?

Today we have all generally been reading or napping or both. But cocktails later.

pictures!

have moved in to coffee, in keep with brown beverages

already dreading christmas at home, first time in 3 years, as my cousin and her brattish kids will be visiting down under way. she's also dictated that we go out for christmas lunch and i've just seen the vegetarian option is

"Meatless Farm Plant Based Festive Chicken Roast (v)(ve)"

(from down under way)

Meatless Farm Plant Based Festive Chicken Roast (v)(ve)

I didn't know Sigur Rós had a new album out

Itchy Roooooooooast

https://www.discogs.com/artist/505-VVm

(turns out Meatless Farm is the brand name)

work christmas menu just been sent around and the vegetarian option in that is "Shicken". which i can't help but read as "shit chicken"

i am home. they are watching the (frankly racist) Australian border control programmes on TV.

dad counting the "English" players in the Liverpool vs Arsenal lineup

Sitcom text one of my folks sent me today: "Just a heads up... I have a feeling your spouse got you a very nice Xmas present"

oh... cool I have basically zero days to possibly trash my gift decision!

christmas on a wednesday is confusing things

travelling home on the monday is probably too late, leaves only tuesday to do the annual 'shop'

but sunday is sunday, there are trains listed but checking last week they were 50% cancelled and nothing got where i want to go before dark.

and saturday was too early especially given:

coming back is worse, paddington effectively closed on the 28th, and the 29th is not much better, trains via euston or marlebone. it gets better but this is going to drag...

“Furtive nips” is so classic