Things that you like in the bible:

One time a great mentor of mine (and a confirmed atheist) read a large group of us the tale of Absolom, from the King James Bible. It was astonishing. Beautiful, sad, and effortlessly lyrical.

WHOA Jesus Christ LUke 12-26 is CRAZY??!!

oops 14-26.... i mean that's ridiculous

yeah that shit is in there

that's far from his most difficult command.

um i need to get me a copy

more quotes pls

also "hate" is likely an iffy translation. I suspect it's more like "not willing to sacrifice."

wow.

"Don't imagine that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."

Matthew 10:34

Aaaaaaand speaking of swords:

Judges 3:20-23

20 Ehud then approached him while he was sitting alone in the upper room of his summer palace and said, "I have a message from God for you." As the king rose from his seat, 21 Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king's belly. 22 Even the handle sank in after the blade, which came out his back. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it. 23 Then Ehud went out to the porch ; he shut the doors of the upper room behind him and locked them.

Judges is fucking packed with all kinds of crazy gladiator barbarian shit.

the fat closed in over the sword huh

oh yeah forgot the best part:

24 After he had gone, the servants came and found the doors of the upper room locked. They said, "He must be relieving himself in the inner room of the house." 25 They waited to the point of embarrassment, but when he did not open the doors of the room, they took a key and unlocked them. There they saw their lord fallen to the floor, dead.

what? that osunsd liek softcore

who was the butch chick that got mistaken for a dog in the bible

?

I would pay $200 to have a hardcover of the brick testament's treatment of Judges. Bathroom reading.

http://www.thebricktestament.com/judges/index.html

There was nice Bible quotes in that movie Into Great Silence, I liked that movie a lot.

Bath-Sheba xxpost

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper … " (1 Kings 19: 11-13)

That was the one I liked. I would like to read the Bible one day. Agnes Martin said she quoted from it even though she was an atheist because it is very poetic.

That gold ribbon sewn into the spine for use as a bookmark is pretty sweet.

http://www.thebricktestament.com/king_david/god_kills_70000_israelites/2s24_16a.jpg

A flaming fairy?

omg the brick testament is awesome, so much hilarious subtlety in the arrangements

that Luke bit is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. Tremendous. Beautiful.

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

Jesus Christ,
Gospel of Thomas 45.30-33

But the Gospel of Thomas isn't in the Bible, is it? Isn't it one of those Apocrypha found at Nag Hammadi circa. 1945?

the gospel of thomas is not in the bible!

damnit xpost

you are right bob six

hahaha

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

mixed metaphor...but if we're onto genitals (not gentiles), how about:

Kings 21:21

Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel

I sometimes think of this when people talk about the 'beauty of the King James Version'

I once found myself in a hotel room watching a cartoon version of the moses story, and decided to follow along in the Good Book that was of course provided. These verses, when Moses is on the way back to Egypt, were strangely left out of the cartoon:

Exodus 4:24-6

4:24 And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.

4:25 Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.

4:26 So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.

er... wtf?

The blank pages at the beginning or end that you can roll joints in.

But you're Captain Reverend Gandalf Jesus!

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

irt "bloody husband"

Them first five books of Moses have all kinds of early wtf stuff in them that didn't get edited out by the pharisees, but are generally too obscure to get the whole import of the story. My guess is that this one was embedded in the context of menses blood vs. the blood of circumcision and whatever rituals and beliefs those connoted.

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

I like that brief stretch in the Old Testament that is about the LADEEZ and their doings.

Also, okay, all the OT horror-movie stuff with the guy with the tent-spike through his head, or Jezebel's body getting eaten by the dogs, and whatnot.

I think I liked the LADEEZ bits as a kid because amid all the assassinations and dogs-eating-corpses, there were these kinda lovely bits about ladies gathering grain and making eyes at the hunky surveyor and stuff. Like a nice pastoral rom-com break.

Exodus 4, a section that comes out of nowhere:

24 At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met Moses and was about to kill him. 25 But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' feet with it. "Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me," she said. 26 So the LORD let him alone. (At that time she said "bridegroom of blood," referring to circumcision.)

Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; neither doth corruption inherit incorruption. Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

not sure I believe this anymore -- if I ever did -- but the last couplet is classic

Deuteronomy 28:

53 Because of the suffering that your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the LORD your God has given you. 54 Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, 55 and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating. It will be all he has left because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of all your cities. 56 The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter 57 the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For she intends to eat them secretly during the siege and in the distress that your enemy will inflict on you in your cities.

Oops, I didn't even notice that that first one had already been posted.

O death, where is thy sting?

ftw

leviticus is the big elephant in the room i guess

Do the British have some kind of expression about a tiny elephant in a room?

judges is the medium-sized elephant

xp haha

"Well that's the comically oversized stoat in the room, now, isn't it."

the only reason i know stoats even exist is brain jacques's redwall series

those stories are the only reason i know what vittles are

the attack bear in the room

ts: redundant VS repetitious

the pentateuch and the gospel are such a great one-two punch

oh wait do I mean the septuagint? fuck it I don't actually care
I just like how DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH is followed by "and then his only son came along and said a couple of nice things for a change of pace" and more DEATH DEATH

https://i.postimg.cc/j5p1R87p/image.png

The image of Moses with splashing bowls of blood on the altar really hit me as a kid. I look back on it as one of few adult-esque aesthetic understanding I had in my single-digit years