If you had to kill one comedian, who would it be?

I take it you mean 'one more comedian besides Dane Cook.'

I'll get in first with Jim Davidson while most of the other brits are asleep.

I was going to say easy-target Mencia, but yeah, you hit that one square on the head. xp

Michael Richards!

after watching the "gay roommate" bit on youtube, I second Dane Cook. I was gonna say Larry the Cable Guy.

Carrot Top (or Larry The Cable Guy).

Mencia or Carrot Top, def.

I remember when jon stuart punched andy dick because he blamed him for some girls coacaine addiction which killed her.

Dane Cook is a genius in comparison to Carrot Top.

wait... not jon stuart.. the short jewish guy from the critic show

lovitz

who blamed Dick for getting Phil Hartman's wife back on the Bolivian marching powder right before she killed Phil

This cries out for a poll. But Carrot Top fer sure, if you can accept him as a real comedian instead of a plasticene porter.

Carrot Top is a nice dude, and lends cigarettes.

I looked like John Lovitz in my first drivers' license photo.

Carot top may be a nice cigarette lender but he's SCARY.

Carlos Mencia. His outlooks on life aren't clever, insightful, or funny, and really if he didn't have an accent nobody would be laughing.

(that's not to say that's a bad thing inherently, but his comedy wears thin real fast)

I guess I'll go with Andy Dick.

-- CaptainLorax, Monday, January 7, 2008 9:52 PM (50 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

I'm posting this to "quoted out of context"

I wld kill Mort Sahl bcz like some zen koan 'wld anyone care'? (NB I know he is dead.)

ahahahaha abbott wow

xpost - i am laughing re: driver's license photo

which you should find and post to lol high school

Carrot-Top would be more of a mercy killing, wouldn't it?

That's almost an Ambrose Bierce story right there, digging up the dead and killing them again.

i would have said carrot top, but everyone's saying that, so how about that "white trash guy"-- jeff foxbury or whatever?

The Cable Guy is SOOOO much more deathworthy than Foxworthy doing basically the same kind of schtick

pretty much everybody on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Damn is everyone going to say Carrot Top? Hell he isnt even a known entitiy over here and I was going to say him.

Andy Dick is indeed a dick, so maybe him. Esp if the hartman/coke thing is true.

Dave Coulier

You've picked 6, you murderous comedy buzzkill.

The ventriloquist with the racist puppets.

the hunger just won't leave me.

Unfortunately, the chances of Carrot Top killing you have to be considered...

The ventriloquist with the racist puppets.

-- Dan I., Tuesday, 8 January 2008 15:44 (5 minutes ago)

Rod Hull?

Carrot Top hasn't been the same after losing the Sissy Spacek lookalike contest under questionable circumstances...

horatio sanz

I looked like John Lovitz in my first drivers' license photo.

lol

though, slight disclaimer, if you said your drivers' license photo looked like any of the comedians named in this thread it would still be hilarious

has anyone else heard 'jeremy hotz'? i can't listen to this guy say more than one sentence

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ePazKStdNPw

i would only kill him if it were via drowning or else in a really loud place because i can't in my most horrible of nightmares imagine the noises this thing would make as it dies, if this is what he sounds like alive

Man, that's annoying.

(on the other hand: why isn't Emo Philips' voice a lot more annoying? Funnier material?)

ellen d-gen or teh seinfeld

Russell Brand, obv

ed byrne

i would consider Cath Tate, but this would just mean Tittybangbang getting bumped up to her old slot.

(not really comedians but) i can't decide between jonathan ross, paul ross or chris moyles. 2 of the nastiest male public figures around right now (not paul ross, he's smallscale but makes this list for his sheer wankerness). britain would be a much better place without these guys.

i don't care if chap's already killed jim davidson. i'd have another go at the fucker, just to make sure he was really dead.

funny to see ms tate on Big Train the other day, having an affair with a set of temporary traffic lights. in french.

Paul Ross I took an instant dislike to as he used to have a Police 5 type programme. The first part of the show was the usual "car burgs, cashpoint muggers" fair enough. The second part was stills from the Anti-Polltax Trafalgar Square incident and "who is this person? phone this number for a reward" bastardy. He stays on my anti-list until he explains/apologises for this.

What a family, eh?

Oh J is alright by me. we cool.

I try not to be too judgmental about people, but if they say something like, "Have you seen that video on Youtube called 'Achmed the Dead Terrorist'" it is a dealbreaker of respect.

Yes. It's like someone saying "You know on Top Gear..." - NO, I DON'T...

I don't really think any of these people deserve to die though. Some light torturing maybe.

the fact that a ventriloquist comic can make a living in america is proof that not enough kids are getting the shit kicked out of them in high school

The problem is, if Jeff Dunham died, I don't know that anyone would notice, as his soul already has been programmed into Youtube.

ban youtube

is this a democratic thing, or do we all get to kill one comedian each?

Nooh, for the number of people here, we'd be getting down to having to get someone to kill Bill Hicks.

Oh, yeah..

OK, Alexei Sayle, then...

kill bill hick's delivery, maybe.

oh fuck alexie sayle ben elton double header execution YES

Ben Elton is not a comedian.

michael mcintyre, assuming rodney dangerfield is long dead, that is.

rodney dangerfield was amazing, you fool.

might change my vote to seinfeld just for that

rodney dangerfield was amazing, you fool

^^^real talk

he's up there with Richard Pryor and Steve Martin in the Standup Comedy Gods Chuckle Hut of Fame

Still Al Murray. Or Dylan Moran.

might change my vote to seinfeld just for that

Seinfeld is one of my favourites TV shows but i hate seinfeld's stand-up.

standup or sitcom, just want dude expired tbrr

well this is a jovial thread

http://imgsrv.wbcn.com/image/wbcn/UserFiles/Image/unfunniestcomic(2).png

Dane Cook ended up "winning" this thing. Ironically, the actual competition, itself, was pretty unfunny as well.

if you had to embezzle a bunch of money from one comedian, who would it be?

half brother guilty of stealing millions from dane cook

this thread poses a question that needed to be asked.

http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/dailyloaf/files/2009/03/gallagher11.png

v.

http://www.allvegasdeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/carrot-top-main.jpg

imo

carrot

i feel bad for carrot top, i don't think he's worthy of death

why do you feel badly for him?

serious question, sort of.

this thread revive poses a gallagher vs. evil twin gallagher question, respectfully

carrot top is just kind of pathetic -- he doesn't encourage racism like jeff dunham, or homophobia like larry the cable guy, or misogyny like dane cook -- he's just a dude with a shtick who has to flog that schtick all he can so he can pay his mortgage

altho it was hilarious at whatever comedy central roast he was at when he got legit butthurt over all the zings

his prop act is just beyond bad

Comedians are mostly awful. Ed Byrne possibly the worst...

Just want to kill Greg Fitzsimmons. That is all.

dangerfield still alive?

michael mcintyre got years left in him, i'll do him instead

follow-up to my comment 2 years ago: moyles is still #1 on the list but i'll remove the rosses and add a corden

can't kill carrot top because then you couldn't use him as a non-sequitur prop a la
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVHAd3jwZy0

**warning: this only works in the capable hands of Z. Galifinakis. most dudes using carrot top as a punching bag are rarely funnier than the carrot man himself.

anyway, i'm going to go with Jeff Dunham

dangerfield still alive?

No, he died. BUT ARE YOU SAYING YOUR CHOICE OF A COMIC TO KILL WOULD BE THE GREAT RODNEY DANGERFIELD? Madness, y'all.

well, not now, that would be a waste of a good pick.

::rolls out a trunk onto the stage::
"How about some carrot top humor"
BOOOOO
::pulls carrot top's head out of the trunk::
WOOOOO!

I feel like Gallagher and Carrot Top are pretty easy to avoid, it's not like they're ever on TV anymore.

I'm uncertain whether I would be interested in murdering someone because their comedy displeases me.

hm. perhaps you haven't seen gallagher's "act."

Carrot Top is so much better and so much less reprehensible than Gallagher.

yeah, i mean gallagher's whole act is predicated on racism, homphobia & hardcore xenophobia

i vaguely remember that, but what's seared into my head is his lame "smashing watermelons" routine.

destroying good produce is the worst crime of all

if you had to embezzle a bunch of money from one comedian, who would it be?

from wikipedia:

"Leno reportedly earns $32 million each year; his total net worth is unknown, but has been estimated to be at least $150 million or more. In an interview with USA Today, Leno claimed that he has never spent any of the money he's made from The Tonight Show, and has always lived off of the millions of dollars he makes each year from performing stand-up"

dude wouldn't even miss it if I took $6 mil or so

always hoped one mutant melon would rise up and smash gallagher's head.

like the classic .gif from scanners.

Directly below that Wikipedia entry I quoted is a "charity" section that refers to two 100k donations he's made over the last decade. I'm sure he's made more, but its pretty damn lol following his "I will be buried with the money I'll made sucking wind at 11pm for two decades plus"

the full USA today quote:

"I had two jobs as a kid, one at a fast-food restaurant and one at a Ford dealership. And I'd put the money from one job in one pocket and spend it. And the other paycheck I'd save," he says. "I do that now. I have always banked my Tonight Show money and lived off the stand-up. I have one credit card, no mortgage, and I don't lease."

Any plans for his Tonight Show windfall? Leno leans over a stack of papers, pretending they're bank statements. "I suppose I'll just look at the number one day and go, "Oooh, that's pretty neat,' " he says. He says he has set up foundations that donate to a range of charities but then closes the book on the topic.

jay "big jaw" leno would be in my top-5, too.

reading that usa today article, kinda amazing how this guy can show off his ginormous collection of expensive cars and motorcycles to a reporter and think its a good idea to point out how cheap and penny-pinching he is otherwise. Plus he's talking about how he doesn't even need this Tonight Show money to live...only to wind up clinging to NBC like a desperate leech.

you can't kill these comedians, cuz i THINK they're all dead now! I think I can identify all but one (it ran in the NYT obit for one, which means it may not embed).

http://static01.nyt.com/images/2015/06/30/arts/30carter-2-obit-web/30carter-2-obit-web-articleLarge.jpg

Bill Burrrrrgh