not in any 'new yorker' short story ever

2) stealth bombers

3) confusing "your" with "you're"

4) boners

5) detailed descriptions about making fart noises with your armpits

6) farts, full stop.

7) optimus prime/bumblebee slash

8) Ninjas

9) a heroic lawyer racing against the clock to save a young girl in trouble

10) family goes camping, has uncomplicated good time.

11) McNuggets

12) buttplugs

12) drawings of Calvin urinating on the Chevy logo

14) drunken strip croquet

15) gleeful laughter

16) elaborate bebe neuwerth s&m fantasies

17) enthusiastic descriptions of the cuteness of baby animals

18) jagerbomb recipes

19) scratch 'n' sniff stickers

20) timely references to current events

21) 5000 word diatribe on the Cubs.

22) tokyo being destroyed

23) stoked for the madness

24) thug love

25) non-sexy message board posting

26) spaceships, rayguns

27) l33t sp34k

26) anything approaching surrealist

27) booty bass "lyrics"

29) dance diagrams

30) enough rage

31) terrorist slash

http://www.southpark-world.net/images/cartman_ch.gif

http://www.worldsgreatesttoys.com/images/sdcc07/aeonflux.jpg

http://www.malcolmhorton.co.uk/images/P/Moon%20Riser.jpg

Latin American dictators confessing to priests.

26) anything approaching surrealist

http://web.csustan.edu/english/reuben/pal/chap10/barthelme.gif

whoops:
http://web.csustan.edu/english/reuben/pal/chap10/barthelme.gif

I feel like a whole bunch of these can be struck, but it's probably not worth dredging stories out of the head

e.g. McNuggets -- how quickly we forget the Carver / K-Mart realism era!

or re: boners -- how quickly we force ourselves to forget John Updike sex scenes.

yeah I was thinking of tracking down some new yorker stories with boners in them but eh.

ha xpost

ok, but they never call them "boners"

And just when I thought I'd forgotten all about John Updike.

"And then Rabbit got mad rutty."

If there are any with dinosaurs, please do let me know!

“Noting my boner against ticking car, Mr. Klemm gives look of you-are-rubbing-your-boner, mixed sense of shame/pride, rained so hard flooded gutters, rat wound up in the dog bowl,” says Dad.

They step out of the light, shake it off.

“He’s always talking about boners,” says Mom.

“Having a boner is a great privilege,” says Dad.

“You had your share,” says Mom.

“I should say so,” says Dad. “And will continue to, I hope, until the day I die.”

from this George Saunders story.

Google has located the string "butt plug," but only in Talk of the Town.

27) my byline

I'll bet the word "tumescence" has appeared in more stories than the word "boner"

Okay yes "tumescence" is actually the word I hate most of all in any context.

does "turgid" do anything for you?

Judging a site search, the word "boner" has appeared in The New Yorker only 9 times in its entire history. It refers to an erection in only three of those instances, and two of them are by George Saunders (the other is Ian Frazier).

http://www.newyorker.com/search/query?query=boner&queryType=nonparsed

http://www.newyorker.com/search/query?query=tumescence&queryType=nonparsed

Tumescent/ce appears only 8 times, but refers to an erection in AT LEAST three of the examples (I'm guessing Junot Diaz, Brokeback Mountain and the same Ian Frazier humor piece) and possibly more.

dinosaur boner

http://www.newyorker.com/search/query?queryType=nonparsed&query=%22hen+fap%22&submit.x=0&submit.y=0&submit=Submit&bylquery=&month1=-1&day1=-1&year1=-1&month2=-1&day2=-1&year2=-1&page=&sort=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otVGjh0zSDc

GODDAMMIT

http://www.newyorker.com/search/query?queryType=nonparsed&query=ninjas&submit.x=0&submit.y=0&submit=Submit&bylquery=&month1=-1&day1=-1&year1=-1&month2=-1&day2=-1&year2=-1&page=&sort=

someone write two stories - one w/the every new yorker story stuff in it and one w/the not every nyer story stuff - then we will submit them ok!

Variations on the word "fellatio" have appeared 9 times. One of them is this:

March 28, 2005
Fiction
A Secret Station
Short story about an aging doctor who's second wife has left him, and who suffers severe dental damage after a boy he fellates in the park kicks in his teeth and robs him… At a decent interval after his seventy-first birthday, Martine sat him down: she was leaving him…
by David Gates

dude hurting get a LIFE

someone write two stories - one w/the every new yorker story stuff in it and one w/the not every nyer story stuff - then we will submit them ok!

This is like some Komar/Melamid shit.

referring to a gaffe as a "boner": very New Yorker.

Komar and Melamid go to White Castle

i think nabisco ahould have to write them since hes been defending the nyer - also hes fast!

13 Nausicaa The Rocks 8 p.m. Eye, Nose Painting Grey, blue Virgin Tumescence, detumescence
http://www.phespirit.info/places/2004_11_dublin_1.htm

http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=WVofz29Hx9UC&pg=PR36&lpg=PR36&dq=james+joyce+tumescence+detumescence&source=web&ots=h0FDmIkpkS&sig=64Gu12gHJBpYMKMSROExzvFNwc0&hl=en

btw plot summary from corner of that page:
"This account of several lower class citizens of Dublin describes their activities and tells what some of them were thinking one day in 1904"

"Defending" the NYer? I think my position was more along the lines of "you guys are crazy if you're acting like the NYer / this Kunzru story are somehow appallingly/unusually bad or embarrassing"

BUT if you pick maybe ten of the items on this list, I will totally write you a short story involving all of them.

dude awesome !

1) dinosaurs
4) boners
10) family goes camping, has uncomplicated good time.
12) drawings of Calvin urinating on the Chevy logo
15) gleeful laughter
17) enthusiastic descriptions of the cuteness of baby animals
19) scratch 'n' sniff stickers
20) timely references to current events
22) tokyo being destroyed
23) stoked for the madness
24) thug love

That's 11, so I'm removing "stoked for the madness," because I don't know what that means.

they have to be in order!

No they don't. Hush.

ignoble poor people

Dinosaur boners, from there it virtually writes itself.