Being happily married and having a crush on someone else - C / D?

post about it on a public message board.

can you really be in love with someone that much if you're getting stressed about two other women you don't even really know, like this?

Good question. Yes, I am still in love with my wife, but I've always had a tendency to have crushes on other people at the same time. I don't feel like I'm in love with A or B, because I don't know them at all. It's the intimacy and knowing someone well that brings out love, and that is still there.

Ok, first question - is there more to the part about A finding out and the management speaking with you because accusing someone of stalking seems like a fairly big deal yet the actions you admit to don't sound bad at all.

In response to blueski I think it is possible to be in love with someone dearly and still crush hard on someone else - in fact, I think it's only natural that at some point in most long term relationships this will happen.

However, in this instance I agree that it speaks more about the primary relationship than the crush in this situation esp considering that R is now "trying desperately not to develop a crush on B."

So my second question to R is this - what's missing in your relationship with your wife that these crushes seem to fulfill?

Answer to first question. No, it was purely that. She happened to notice me, that's all, and got suspicious, as did others. She has never directly talked to me about it, but the management have. I have never admitted to them about the crush either.

Answer to second question. Hmm... someone paying attention to me, perhaps? Not thought of it that way actually.

I'm sure this happens to everyone sometimes so don't feel too bad about it.
However it does suggest that you right now feel like you are missing out on something. Maybe it's because your wife is very focused on the baby right now?

Two things I find helpful to cure myself of crushes:

1) Go out of your way to make your wife happy. You will find that she may give you more attention as well and you will forget the crush.

2) Picture the reality of what would actually happen if you had an affair with the nursery worker - the embarrassment and ridiculousness of it all. Imagine yourself as a character in a movie doing that and what a putz you'd look like, and how awkward the situation would be, and (unless you actually think this person is your true soulmate) how crappy a real relationship would probably be with her compared to the one with your wife.

OK. I don't have kids yet so maybe someone that does can be more helpful but did these feelings of not being paid enough attention intensify once your son was born?

In regards to your questions about how A will act towards you when your son is eventually placed in her care it really doesn't matter. Esp after these warnings and since you love your wife and I assume intend to stay faithful. Sure, it'll be a bit awkward but that's to be expected.

Also, listen to Hurting. I think he has some good ideas! ;-)

Hurting has very good ideas. I have no intention of leaving my wife for A or B, particularly as both are already in happy relationships - A has just had a baby herself. I think you're right, paying more attention to my wife and rekindling the love there is the correct answer.

And gosh, isn't that Valentines Day coming up as well? Perfect excuse.

have you thought about reporting / sueing the management for slander? that's a pretty strong accusation to make about somebody with as little evidence as presented here.

as to what you do about the crushes, that's easy: nothing. at. all. Hurting et al are spot on above.

But don't beat yourself up about having crushes either - perfectly harmless, daresay typical, part of being in a long-term relationship with just one person.

FWIW The pathetic, philandering me is often played by a later Kevin Kline.

The problem with reporting them for slander etc is that it would be difficult to do that without my wife finding out about it all. So, no go there.

A movie version of my life? Sorry, I'll be singing "Set in motion" by Sloan all afternoon now.

FWIW The pathetic, philandering me always ends up having pschedelic sexathons with phalanxes of pneumatic starlets while playing an extended guitar solo at Old Trafford. I'm not sure the visualisation thing is such a good idea?

Why don't you want your wife to know about this, particularly since you haven't done anything and you didn't plan on doing anything?

I mean, since this is going to have daycare implications, this seems like something you'll want to discuss so that you guys are on the same side before anything silly blows up...?

it seems to me that if your kid is going to the nursery and the management thinks you're a creep and has warned you off, you have some pretty big problems looming there

re the main post, potential unwanted messiness. I think down the years from now you'll be bloody thankful you did nothing about this, and said people involved are long gone.

She happened to notice me, that's all, and got suspicious, as did others. She has never directly talked to me about it, but the management have. I have never admitted to them about the crush either.

Something doesn't really add up here. "Noticed" you? When I have a crush on somebody I get kind of giggly and tongue-tied and self-conscious. What do you think it was that alarmed her so much?

It's pretty impressive that a non-verbalised, non-acted-on harmless crush has got the authorities thinking you're a stalker. What on earth did you do?? There's an element of "oops I fell onto my vacuum cleaner nozzle" about all this.

yes, what exactly did the management say to you?

"Is that a vacuum cleaner nozzle...?"

It's pretty impressive that a non-verbalised, non-acted-on harmless crush has got the authorities thinking you're a stalker. What on earth did you do?? There's an element of "oops I fell onto my vacuum cleaner nozzle" about all this.

Yeah, that's what I was kind of getting at earlier although i didn't really want to push the issue. It does seem a little strange, I have to admit.

Maybe there was a self-conscious, nervous twitch that culminated in an accidental boob grab.

OK, I'll be honest. Basically I was watching out for her and would be looking out for her at certain times of the day. That's all. Actually, it was worse than that - there had been times when I'd deliberately try and bump into A and / or B at lunchtimes during the summer, but that wasn't picked up on at the time. Basically, I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way. Just trying to see her, that's all. I'm trying hard to justify myself without sounding like a nutcase here.

It's just that A noticed this behaviour and mentioned it to others there, who'd also noticed it, and then I presume it got passed upwards. I was told by the management that me watching her - and the other workers - was making them feel uncomfortable walking past my house, and that behaviour was stopped immediately.

Er, no, no boob grab. 8-)

You are stalking her and it's completely creepy.

You probably want to be thankful that it was just a word to the management and not to the police.

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
And I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

Keeping my eyes open
I cannot afford to sleep
Giving away promises
I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
I need you in my blood
I am forsaking all the rest

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

I don't care what they think
I don't care what they say
What do they know about this
love anyway

Come, come to my window
I'll be home, I'll be home, I'll be home
I'm comin home

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

I'll be home, I'll be home
I'm comin home

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

Ah well, the police were mentioned. Hence the complete cessation of behaviour.

You should have gotten a boob grab in while the getting was good. ;_;

On a more serious note, I think you need to prepare yourself for getting bitched out by your wife over this when you tell her, because basically you have to tell her or else this whole thing is going to blow up a lot more than it needs to later on down the line when you need to interact more closely with this woman for your son's daycare. Getting yelled at by your wife now and then having her be the main interface with this woman is going to save you a gigantic amount of hurt in the long run.

but you're still thinking about crushing on B (and posting about it on the internet) = not exactly complete cessation, is it?

xpost

WHAT THE HELL?

I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way
I was stalking her in a little way, but not in any scary kind of way

Just another lying troll depicting himself as a sociopath on the internets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqUp5StXomI

Yeah, but it's not like ... oh fuck... I can't really justify it really. I'm sounding like a total creep, and I'm not. Though there are those who would disagree (and there's probably more adding to that list as time goes on today).

he's not a player he just crushes a lot

if i understand correctly "A" didn't confront you with your behaviour (and her disapproval) before the whole thing of "someone else > management" started?

Or she never talked to anyway and you you were just wachting her from a distance? ;)

yo Rob M v2 did u peep them tittays

yeah we need details man

Wow, some of you are very sensitive.

dude, take her

I'm sounding like a total creep

Yes. Yes, you are. Stop rationalizing your behavior and get yourself into some psychiatric counseling with someone who focuses on managing sociopathic tendencies, pronto.

Thanks for the sympathy, those who are being serious about this. Actually I've just looked up limerence in Wikipedia and seem to think I've found my condition.

Ludo - not sure what you're asking. A has never spoken to me about it, the management have, I would presume that A's disapproval has been passed onwards and upwards. I have spoken to A previously, and had quite a good relationship with her on a purely "you look after my child" basis, and really I'm hoping that it can continue on that basis when she returns. "Professional detachment" I think it's called.

Actually I take that back about limerence, it's all getting a bit fantastical and I'm not like that.

Jaq, why don't you ratchet back the armchair psychology? It's not particularly helpful.

When she maces you in the eyes it will be without a trace of anger. (xxpost)

Actually this limerence business is like the story of my life. Oh joy.

People overuse the term "sociopath" - a sociopath is a person who has no conscience, not somebody who jumps through a bunch of hoops to avoiding looking at things in the way his conscience is telling him to.

In my opinion, this situation is so much more volatile and complex and potentially destructive than it's being presented that it'd take months of therapy to really unravel it. "Creepy" and "not-creepy" are meaningless designations here; there's deep stuff in play. Message boards totally not the place to deal with it; this thread, to use a hackneyed phrase, is a cry for help. You need to talk to a good therapist about this. Soon.

TS:

at some point my boy is going to be placed in A's care - currently he's too young

vs

had quite a good relationship with her on a purely "you look after my child" basis

also for the love of fuck NOBODY EVER SELF-DIAGNOSE USING FUCKING WIKIPEDIA

it's STUPID

yeah I'm cornfused

ladies and gentlemen, dell

It's fairly simple, ma'am. Someone messed about with me for a time while I was away. But it sure seems to have stopped now. Thanks for your concern.

- Jim Swells

http://www.scottsdalecc.edu/biology/stein/images/Dancing_Cat.gifhttp://www.scottsdalecc.edu/biology/stein/images/Dancing_Cat.gif

cheat oon your wife

bart stanton bringin the lols

u guys can fuck around all you want, but dont bring jim swells into it

I realize that chaki was "outed" as being B.J., but as far as I can ascertain, it's b/c chaki has some mod privileges which he fucked with while Swells was on the road.

-- dell, Wednesday, February 6, 2008 1:50 AM (57 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

thank you, dell.

-- chaki, Wednesday, February 6, 2008 1:51 AM (56 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

that's pretty much right dell xpost

-- jergïns, Wednesday, February 6, 2008 1:52 AM (55 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

WOW. "Dick" just got a whole new meaning.

what do you even mean?

PLAY A SCRABBLE MOVE

you got it!

I totally missed the luna scandal

either that or I forgot it

luna was a long running fake persona of some crazy chick. jon if you wana play scrabble in realtime i would love to battle you on literati.

I don't uh have a uh yahoo account

I thought everybody knew she was fake a long time ago so when I heard she got "outed" it seemed weird.

yah i thought the same thing but people freaked out when i pointed out the obvious.

chaki that is super fucked up that you would play with Jim's account like that

you should have your admin rights revoked

at the very least you should apologize to him

also whats jims screen name id like some advice from him

no I remember luna I just didn't know there was any meltdown or big moment or anything

happy reading: Not location specific, No rules: Welcome to ILX heaven

max I can give his aim info to you, but he due to his driving schedule he can't exactly txt on a dime

wow I missed alla that, when I lost my luna login I didn't even know anybody'd noticed

<3 J0hn.

if it gives you more time for pipecock I call it an even trade.

Blimey! That thread.

Have we already forgotten the "nabisco's mom googles him and finds ILX" incident?

I wonder if she saw the posts on the gummi bears.

That might not surprise her at all.

At least not as much as "nacho cheese".

Did nabisco's mom post??

"NZ paper prints nabisco's amusing observations about his parents, unasked and without crediting its source" was a peculiar and interesting controversy.

waht

abbott jokes.

No, I remember that!

oh wait yah i remember that too.

I remember it too because they printed something I'd posted as well and it was one of my very first posts!

That would be a really silly thing for me to make up.

It's fairly simple, ma'am. Someone messed about with me for a time while I was away. But it sure seems to have stopped now. Thanks for your concern.

- Jim Swells

http://i54.tinypic.com/11l4yvn.gif

K. I'm not gonna lie; I im'd w/B.J. Swells, and he was just as much of a straight-shooter as his ILx personality would lead one to believe. He gave me some sage life-advice, in fact, which went beyond whatever bromides one might suspect.

― dell, Wednesday, 6 February 2008 01:45 (2 years ago)

jim's advice was even more prescient than i realized at the time. just wish i knew what ever became of him.

probably watching tv

The first part of this thread is so expertly played. I'm actually surprised at how civil we all were.

and the second part...

yo Rob M v2 did u peep them tittays

― KOOL-AID MAN

Have we already forgotten the "nabisco's mom googles him and finds ILX" incident?

― HI DERE, Thursday, 7 February 2008 09:29 (3 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

link?

You were all too kind. :)

jimmy savillesque.

yo Rob M v2 did u peep them tittays

― KOOL-AID MAN

― buzza, Tuesday, January 3, 2012

i was just thinking about this thread, how weird