manners

q: i invited two bros over for dinner tonight (which i rarely do...i just rearranged the place so why not?) and one of em was like hey can i bring my friend L____? not his gf, not a potential match for me or the other bro, just a random person i don't know. i'm sorta inclined to say 'no' because i was thinking it would just be chill out time w/my dudes (paging bill simmons), but i think that makes me a jerk, and i can't imagine how to say 'no'. i'm mostly reticent because i haven't cooked for other ppl in a long, long, long time and cooking for my friends is w/e but cooking for a stranger makes me feel like i have to up my game now, and i haven't even been shopping yet

how do i shot

corollary: it's a little rude to just say 'hey can i bring a stranger to this small intimate thing', right? or at least, to ask that w/o hedging with 'i totally understand if you hadn't planned for an extra person' or w/e, right? this is the same guy that ~routinely~ shows up at my backdoor unannounced to see if i'm around, usually at dinner time (not because he wants food, but it's annoying because i'm invariably in the middle of cooking and don't want to bothered). he used to just let himself in kramer style, so i've taken to locking the back door even when i'm home

(i only bring up the "potential match" thing as if its relevant because it's lately been a ~thing~ w/my friends to get me hooked up. sorry if that seemed weirdly misogynist or something)

This has come up in my life before. Would your friend have a problem if you said, "Hey, man, to be honest, I'd prefer if you didn't. If we were meeting in a bar, sure, bring her along, but not when I'm experimenting with this recipe, and, you know, I kinda wanted it to be just bros."

its borderline rude although its not like beyond the pale when the invitation is informal. its socially akward to refuse to extend the invitation but not bad manners

his is the same guy that ~routinely~ shows up at my backdoor unannounced to see if i'm around

if this is his reg m.o. than i'd say you're lucky he even asked!

i don't think that part is rude of him--but it would not be rude for you to say no. just something to the effect of "hey i was more thinking a quiet night with dudes i know well, i might be a little stressed abt cooking for ppl to begin with, not sure i'm really up for meeting someone new at the same time."

Just soften the "No" as best you can, but be honest. Say hey I thought we could just keep this one between us bros so I can try my cooking out on you guys. But maybe we can go for brews and I can meet your friend then.

But you are well within your rights as host to say no to guests, especially if that wasn't part of the invite, however informal.

lamp otm - it's awkward, but it's not wrong to refuse your friend.

his is the same guy that ~routinely~ shows up at my backdoor unannounced to see if i'm around

This would drive me mad, can't stand people just turning up.

Totally.

i don't think it would be rude if the mitigating factor were that he had arranged something with L___ already for the same night "so would it be okay if we both came?" kind of thing but since the guy has previous i'd guess he either just rude or doesn't understand the basic boundaries not to cross.

esp with the turning up unannounced thing which is a no-go.

i'd have no prob with any of this, would prob feel like it was a little mean to refuse- that's just me tho.

Nice guys finish last!

yeah what jed said. turning up unannounced is way worse than asking if you can have a +1 in my book tho! the +1 is only a bit off cuz it's obviously an intimate/chilled/casual thing - a few more people and it's fine to ask if you can bring along an extra imo (tho i'd always have a reason: because i've arranged to see him/her that night, because i've just started dating him/her, because they're new in town and i think you'll all get along etc)

As effective as I think my poker face is, I haven't learned how to hide my distaste for friends who insist on bringing their utterly boring new dates.

thats the thing is that p much under any other circumstances (say, if it were the other guy), i'd be like n/p the more the merrier. with this friend its just so emblematic of some of his boundary issues that it immediately, and irrationally, irked me. like, i haven't been v social lately, i haven't had anyone over in ages, and i haven't cooked for anyone basically since i moved here, and all of a sudden what was supposed to be a couple bros hanging out eating, like, chili and drinking beer is a situation where i'm like 'oh shit i guess i need to expand the menu a bit' and stuff. i'm guessing what happened is that his friend L called and asked to hang out tonight, and he thought he'd try to marry the two (which is fair, i've done it) but w/o thought to how it might be at least a little inappropriate. plus his friend groups range pretty far and wide and i think sometimes he assumes that any friend of his will get along with any other (NOT TRUE, ime).

funnily enough, if the two had just showed up, i'd be waaaaaay less upset about it. like, oh you brought a friend, yeah i'm sure we can work something out, c'mon in.

and tbh i can't stress how much of this is irrational performance anxiety. this bro likes to make a big deal of how elaborate my cooking can be for just myself (he'd know, as he's shown up while i'm doing it), so i think he's expecting something show-offy and might think tonight is like a thing. and it's like no dude we're having stew and some bread.

xp - yeah, i'm actually considering asking another friend or two, just to ease the atmosphere. partly because i guess the other irksome thing is that 3 bros ---> 3 bros and 1 complete stranger makes me feel like i have to "host" and make sure everyone's at ease or w/e. which is fine when you've planned on that, or when there's enough ppl to share the load, but i dunno. obv overthinking all of this, i've been stressed lately

i used to have a friend that would always show up unannounced in high school. then one time my mother hit him with a broom and he stopped.

that stress is the best reason to say "not this time dude"

then one time my mother hit him with a broom and he stopped.

gbx, take notes.

Your overthinking of this issue is braeking my haert because this doesn't feel like you and it seems cramped and painful. What cad said -- give yourself some room, be a stan for yourself here.

You wouldn't BE overthinking the invite if this guy hadn't caused you stress in the past, so he has set the scene for this to be a loaded interaction and that's not your fault.

haw xp to alfred

i just emailed and said it was ok. i mean, that really would be my response to just about anyone else, and he knows it. i'm trying to bury hatchets this year anyhow. i did, however, stress that a +1 is fine as long as they're not expecting anything more elaborate than curry, as tonight was about kicking it with beers and bros. if he's like "cool, see you later!" then i'll assume it's a stress free situation and that this person can hang. if he's like "ah ok, i'll meet up with her later" then he got the hint and maybe it was educational for him.

keep us posted!

that's what irritating to me, too, Laurel, is that literally the entire point of even having these guys over was to have a stress-free social interaction. and yeah, really like 99% of the time i'm like "w/e anyone is welcome." it's just that it's ~this fucking guy~. ironically, another point of all this was to push through the "this fucking guy" response i have w/him (cuz he really is a good friend, just sorta thoughtless at times).

another fun fact: guess what L_____ is short for????

then one time my mother hit him with a broom and he stopped.

amazing

xpost Lycanthrope?

no it is short for Jesus Christ, the apple tree!!

laline

well she didn't just charge him and smack him with it. We lived in a condo and my room was in the finished basement, he came through the sliders when i wasn't home and my mother heard him and cracked him one.

!!!!!

Jesus Christ, the apple tree! is my middle name!

ah, well my aunt once chased a dude who used to turn up for lunch at our house down the street for offering her suggestions on how his mum prepared that day's lunch.

when she came back into the house she called him a 'horrible little man' xxp

ahaha there was a kid that lived across the street from me growing up who sauntered into our house and went up to my room to read my books and play with my toys ~all the time~

i just realized why i'm ok with some unannounced guests and not others. all the regular unannounced guests i used to have were people i'd lived with at some point. also i never used to live alone, so there was always the chance of my unnannounced guest being a housemate's expected guest.

When I was three I played with this boy in the next apartment named Reynaldo. Our mothers would insist on our playing together because we were the only two boys in the building, but I despised him: one of those whelps who stuck whole toys in their mouths. I don't know what his mom fed him, for the toys developed this thin crust even after my mom washed them.

ew.

crusty oh no reynaldo

I had a friend in high school - all of the parents in our circle of friends HATED him. The two times he came over to my house to visit he barely acknowledged my parents except to ask them to get him a glass of water or help himself to our food, and after that second time my Mum was like he is NOT coming over ever again.

This is the same guy who borrowed my Trainspotting soundtrack, and the cd got scratched after it got stuck in his car stereo. So I told him just replace it and we're good. Well, a year goes by and it's my birthday, and guess what I get from him as a birthday gift. Yep! Trainspotting soundtrack.

He was like a real-life George Costanza. But, he had good taste in music and he was fun to hang out for a while. Then we all figured out he was kind of a tool and cut him loose.

xxxpost
You despised someone at the age of three?

Oh yeah. Hate's like breathing to me.

my best friend of 26 years used to just open my fridge when he'd come over when we were kids. My mother wanted to hit him with a broom.

That is weird, I am in this situation quite a bit, either as dinner guest or as host. The problem is that everyone's manners are different. I would never ask to bring an extra person along unless they meant a lot to me or it was a date, I would feel rude bringing someone who is a stranger. However when I am hosting I always say people can bring their cool or interesting friend along, I don't really know anyone who has "weird" or rude friends!

yeah, tbh i'd judge it afterwards. Either 'thanks for bringing that cool person' or 'fuck you and the dickhead you bought unannounced'

Something like that can destroy a friendship, but it hasn't happened to me since I was a teenager. I mean it happens all the time when you're a kid, you hang out with your best friend of the moment all the time and then all of a sudden they have that new weird friend....and then you "break up" and never speak to them again. Bad memories of childhood, but usually by the time you're an adult you learn what you value in people...and stop hanging around people with weird friends.

I grew up in a dense urban environment where the culture is like, you're just kind of expected to be nice to everyone or hang around with everyone else, the bigger your "pack" the cooler you are regardless of what losers hang around in your giant group. Then you have to invite Joanie Loser to come along or you're a bad person and snooty or whatever.

The problem is that IME these people invariably don't like gays and I am really, really offended and uncomfortable when people aren't comfortable with homosexuality, if someone isn't "comfortable" with homosexuality I am not going to entertain them.

so basically i was a jerk, and this +1 was a total delight

awww

you weren't a jerk - the friend might have sucked! but happy for your luck

"sucked" wrong word - might have done something ineffable to the cazh bros mode

wait a minute, you boned her didn't you

haha love it when this happens

the trains run on time round gbx's way, is what i'm told