important things about life you've learned from playing video games

Just because you're in a life threatening situation is no excuse not to dress really hot

pwn all the n00bs you can while the pwning's good

you did quite well, but you need more training to defeat me!

it's safe and even beneficial to eat any food you come across on the street, even if it's, say, a roast turkey that was bizarrely stored inside a rusty oil drum

"Shh, I'm playing," I tell her. "Yoshi's eaten four gold coins and he’s trying to find the fifth. I need to concentrate."

"Oh my god, who gives a shit," Alison sighs. "We're dealing with a fat midget who rides a dinosaur and saves his girlfriend from a pissed-off gorilla? Victor, get serious."

"It's not his girlfriend. It's Princess Toadstool. And it's not a gorilla," I stress. "It's Lemmy Koopa of the evil Koopa clan. And baby, as usual, you're missing the point."

"Please enlighten me."

"The whole point of Super Mario Bros. is that it mirrors life."

"I'm following." She checks her nails. "God knows why."

"Kill or be killed."

"Uh-huh."

"Time is running out."

"Gotcha."

"And in the end, baby, you …are …alone."

a few years ago i was punching and shooting out every window i came across, just because it was cool that i could. but then it got old and i don't do it much anymore.

http://io9.com/353746/i-was-programmed-by-tetris-to-be-a-better-person

I learned that no one seems to care about how close I am to the Marble Madness world record. Not even hot babes.

Why?!

If someone says "Get over here!" to you, sometimes you may not even have a choice.

people are going to be total dicks to you until you beat them in a skate off

If i shoot someone the body will disappear in about 10 seconds. The blood stain? maybe 15.

defeat your enemies and get a nice turkey meal on a plate as a reward.

Throwing the ball to a wide-receiver is a good way to get the ball down the field.

i can take a minimum of 5 shots before going down.

the army will not follow me into a parking garage.

When you die you just respawn somewhere else but without your fancy weapons.

The best stuff comes in crates.

Do not bump into people or you will die.

Tapping it repeatedly works better than just holding it down.

if you defeat your enemies, you can take their powers for yourself.

if im not feeling well, i can just type in "idcornholio" and cruise through the rest of the day

enemies can be swallowed and immediately pooped out as an egg, which you can save to throw at things.

^^ that always made me wonder a little about the reproductive system of Yoshi's kind

umm cuz umm that's what puppies think about
we're bored a lot

banana peels will make your car spin out

never waste a bullet on the entrance to an air duct when a crowbar will do

you might miss some good freebies if you don't go rummage around every house in town and talk to everyone you see. Even the crazy ones.

once I was walking to the subway on the way home and saw this dude who was waving some kind of bright green stuffed animal back and forth over his head, otherwise a normal looking middle-aged dad type, and I thought "if this were a game, I would know that I need to speak to that man, and he would have some important clues or a quest for me. but I need to go home."

i'd say you definitely missed an important side-quest there

yeah I mean who knows what I could do with that stuffed animal of his. he was sure to let me have it if I had only taken the time to escort him to his destination.

He's probably still there, if you're ever bored or you get stuck working on your current project.

some monkeys are assholes, but others are not.

there are actual step by step guides available on the internet explaining everything I will come across in the future.

"To find the Easter egg that Beeps has left you..."

if you come upon a town that is not doing so well, it is a safe bet that you should go have a chat with whoever is in charge about it. don't just blow through to your next destination.

it's okay to eat food that you find on the ground, it still gives you energy.

The laws of physics, particularly those pertaining to gravity, are considerbly relaxed when you are travelling on a skateboard.

Turning yourself into a double-blaster will exterminate more enemies at once, but it also makes you an even bigger target.

When in doubt, run away in a zig-zag formation.

no matter what atrocities i commit - shooting a flamethrower in a crowd of people shopping; stealing a bunch of cars, lining them up and blowing one up to create a car bomb domino effect; stealing a tank from the army; sniping people from a downtown rooftop etc - as long as I get home before the cops/fbi/army catch me, everyone will promptly forget about it.

when in a tight spot, spin around hitting anything within arm's reach

That song's gonna be in your head for days.

getting your car resprayed another color will make you and your car unrecognizable to police. This applies even when they follow you to the auto body shop and wait outside for you.

the best way to kick somebody's ass is to jump on their head while they're walking toward you

nobody can see you in the shadows

our solar system's planets, stars and constellations are not as big as earth's moon

It seems like you're always waiting for a long one to fill that gap.

the russians are pricks

war makes people sad

but discovering gems will make them happy

Hitler had a real thing about having his picture hung in every room.

despite creating a vast multitude of devious traps to do you in, evil geniuses are never smart enough to stop your relentless closing in on their lair by simply building a wall that's far too big for you to jump over.

All caves are awesome and have two mazes. Every piece of crap you see has exactly one vital purpose.

no matter how hard you worked to get down to the dungeon, the likelihood is strong that our princess is in another castle

pretty white boys always win, unless they are up against a less pretty white boy with spiky hair

Young white males with silver-grey hair are always evil. Especially if it's longer than collar length.

Make sure you leave no gaps anywhere in your life, otherwise the little guys with the green hair will all fall down :-(

which game is this? seems really familiar : citadel?

Thomas, you're right it is ver Citadel ("citadel Citadel CITAdel CITADEL!")
I was also going to say that bringing a fabulous bejeweled figurine back through a teleport will result in reprogramming.

no oddjob

This thread is one of the funniest things I've ever read, and I don't know how I missed it the first time. "If someone says "Get over here!" to you, sometimes you may not even have a choice." is a personal favourite.

Wow, this thread.

- When you finally take on the evil boss you've been looking for, and he offers you a job as his right hand man, don't take it, as he will send you back in time if you do.

running in the direction of the halfway line in a football pitch makes you much slower than running parallel to the sideline.

every football player in the world is equally adept at the execution of the bicycle kick, whereas all but the highest skilled professional struggle to time a run to avoid being offside by five yards.

our princess is in another castle

OTM

Also the double-jump.

Check every pipe for a warp zone.

If you jump into a well, you'll find an underwater passage that leads to a cache of weapons.

Be sure to hit your head on every brick you walk underneath.

People could only move in two dimensions till sometime in the 1990s.

When you kill someone, they often vanish completely.

Your skills may change dramatically with a simple change of outfit.

if you have a nemesis that you want to kill or arrest, wait for them to organize a large international martial arts contest.

hockey goalies from 1993 almost never block wraparounds.

if you see a hottie chilling on a log in a stream, you better get there quickly cause she's gonna disappear.

always expect to be attacked if you experience radio interference on a foggy evening in a strange town

Armed killers will stop shooting at you if you decide to have a half-hour radio conversation with your boss

Or conversely, when you get a new job or make healthy changes in your live, be sure to buy some new clothes to represent.

xp

It's not hard to run sideways without looking where you're going

when driving, instead of braking heavily for an upcoming turn, just slam into the guardrails. They'll steer you right and your car won't have a scratch on it. Better yet, slam into another driver so you can get ahead.

When you die, you'll have only 10 seconds to decide whether you want to come back to life or not.

Everyone is stupider than you are.

Save your quarters for laundry day.

and totally predictable
xp

some weird shit goes down in forests

A person with a scar on the right side of their face when facing left will instead have a scar on the left side of their face when facing right.

Bouncing a ball off a brick makes it explode, or at least disappear.

Shoot first, ask questions never

When civilians see your machine gun, they will crouch on the ground cowering with their hands over their heads. To avoid this, conceal the weapon. This works even if you're carrying an AK-47 and wearing a skintight jumpsuit.

your enemies are genetically engineered super-soldiers but can only see about 5 feet in front of them.

Up until very recently, sports stadiums were filled up with a half dozen unique individuals and all the rest were clones. Clone or real, balls somehow would just pass right through their bodies like they weren't even there.

no matter how many exotic tools you are carrying, how many skills you have acquired in your time, or how many entire worlds you have saved in the past, you cannot climb over a fence that reaches only to your knees.

there are twelve people in this stadium
the rest are paste

(xpost)

Beware of bushes while driving - it might look like you can just drive over that one foot high shrub, but it'll be like driving into a boulder.

no matter how many exotic tools you are carrying, how many skills you have acquired in your time, or how many entire worlds you have saved in the past, you cannot climb over a fence that reaches only to your knees.

...you could put something twice the size in your pocket and continue to walk around with the same speed and agility, however

No matter where I am, any presents sitting around the place are obviously mine to open. Also, after I've beaten a bunch of people up, I always call my dad on the phone and he will transfer some money to my bank account.

The most important skill to learn when sword fighting pirates is the art of the snappy comeback.

Girls can never wear protective body armor, ever; they have to do their best with ribbons and dresses and jewelry etc. But that's okay, because a really nice dress will actually do more to boost their defense than a kevlar vest.

you think your current boss is bad? wait'll you see the next one

― blueski, 25 February 2008 22:21 (9 months ago) Bookmark

lol

Armed killers will stop shooting at you if you decide to have a half-hour radio conversation with your boss

This also applies to rummaging through your bags or wallet, or those of your friends.

It may seem like you're having to wade through all kinds of misery and toil to get to this one guy, but don't worry, you'll almost never have to go back through all that stuff.

Dogs are impervious to gunfire.

If you run up against some weird task that's not your ordinary job, don't worry; its standards of achievement are way less developed and you can probably master whatever it is in a very short time, to the point of defeating seasoned pros. The downside is that whatever you get from it is probably not necessary to you; the good news is that nobody ever seems to resent these dilettantes waltzing in and blowing them out of the water.

if someone shoots a gun at you at a low level, just wait for the bullet to reach you and simply jump over it.

If you're evac'ed from a combat zone by helicopter, it will get hit by a missile/struck by lightning/have a sudden malfunction, and spin violently out of control.

Cutting edge Zombie killing technology has taken an agricultural turn and now consists of peashooters and gas filled mushrooms.
Everything you need to protect your home

That Dr. Mario can take its toll on your sanity!! I played it for too long a few days back and then got into my car; when I started it up, the Check Engine light (yellow) and the fasten seatbelt light (red) both lit up next to each other, my first thought was, I need to stack three red/yellows on top of that!!