dear people who like friends in a romantic way and are fully aware that the feeling isn't reciprocated

When has this ever resulted in romance? Never, that's when.

This isn't a question but a public service announcement.

WHA HAPPEN

how fully aware was she

he?

the problem is the "big reveal" which is guaranteed to end in heartbreak

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

o no, i'm sorry nick ; (

When has this ever resulted in romance? Never, that's when.

RONG. Me and the missus.

Don't do the big reveal because we already know and it will only make things harder for everyone.

You didn't whip it out for her, did you?

tbh tho "harder for everyone" means "harder for the person who doesn't reciprocate and now feels awkward"

the problem with the "big reveal" is that it won't work if you don't pull back a curtain or show a little theatrical flair.

why am I the only person not automatically assuming that nick is saying this right now because he himself just made the mistake he's advising against?

sometimes you need closure w/ this sort of thing
if she knows its not gonna happen for sure then she probably wouldnt feel that way??? at least thats how i would feel. why like someone who doesnt like you? what a waste of time

when ive done 'the big reveal' its always because i think the other person DOES like me (even if i have a feeling that maybe they dont?)

or i just try to make out w/ them when we're both drunk

or i just try to make out w/ them when we're both drunk

Now see, THIS is the honorable, sensible approach.

I was the reveal-ee in this one but I have been on the opposite end enough times to know by now it is a ridiculous thing to do.

"we already know"

xpost

I've just started seeing a girl who I've been friends with for about six months, and who I was convinced didn't have romantic feelings for me. Turns out she was just being shy. She did the revealing in the end, I never have the guts for something like that.

I was the reveal-ee in this one but I have been on the opposite end enough times to know by now it is a ridiculous thing to do.

yeah that was totally the vibe i got from the first post.

i dont know if my post made readable sense but what i was saying is that i think the reveal serves a purpose only if you don't actually know how the person feels and you suspect they are uninterested but they continually do things suggesting maybe they are interested?? so you need closure

I had a years-long unrequited thing for a close friend of mine in high school, and years after we graduated, of course, he revealed that he had a years-long unrequited thing for me. Real nice.

my feeling about these kinds of relationships is that theyre doomed anyway, since these feelings dont usually just go away, so why not just do the reveal, get it all out the table and see what happens

100,000% OTM

in all seriousness, 'see what happens' was the ad slogan for KY jelly for last year

note tho that i didnt say "big reveal" which usually involves a "serious conversation" and phrases like "your friendship is so important to me" and will almost always end with someone crying

There are other, less-awkward ways though! Drunken makeout attempts! Waters-testing extended goodbye/hello hugs! It's not that hard.

I'd be less cynical about this probably but tbh I am the 3rd member of my band this person has had romantical feelings for.

xpost haha max otm

yeah the big reveal is for high school, everyone does it once, and then you embarrass yourself and realize that you should never do it ever again

tbh I am the 3rd member of my band this person has had romantical feelings for.

!!!

HAW

these feelings dont usually just go away

no way just give it time. also techniques for falling out of love: focus on their annoying habits. imagine their lower lip is a slug.

god, ledge, i'll never kiss again

Move on to drummer.

xpost

Yeah, I've had crushes on SO MANY of my female friends. Once you've resigned yourself to the fact nothing's going to happen (I mean properly resigned yourself, which is hard) the feelings do start to subside.

xxpost

i cant even fathom how a friend to boy/girlfriend jump is made. or a boy/girlfriend to friend jump. either way im all klum on this shit: one day youre in, the next youre out.

friend to more than friends shit seems to happen to me w/ some frequency but its complicated and is definitely not the preferred path

ha, thanks Heidi

In my experience a friend to boy/girlfriend jump is made via DRUNKEN MAKEOUT WHOOPSIES.

Me neither, sunny. I don't have crushes on my friends and don't stay friends with my exes and would hate to have the "there was that one time we hooked up/dated" baggage kicking around in perpetuity.

It actually happens all the time that friends get together and have romantic relationhsips.

i was friends with the girl i am with right now before we started dating

there was chandler and monica, and ross and rachel, and joey and rachel...

xp

I don't have crushes on my friends and don't stay friends with my exes and would hate to have the "there was that one time we hooked up/dated" baggage kicking around in perpetuity.

This is alien to me. My friendship group is really fucking incestous. One of my friends was trying to think of boy mates she'd never snogged once, and could only come up with two. We're all of an age now where people are settling down in to steady things, and it's all in the past and doesn't matter, though.

It kind of creeps me out , actually. Maybe I have the equivalent of the "virgin vs whore" complex but for friends vs people I wd sleep with.

yeah that kind of grosses me out xpost

The only time this has ever "worked" for me is when the big reveal happen much later when one or both parties was in a relationship and it was more of a lighthearted confession along the lines of, "You know, I used to have the hots for you" when there's no possibility of anything actually happening.

Also I think I might not be friends with any single straight men in NYC over the age of like 30. Which is a problem.

"incestuous friend groups" weird me out

yeah the big reveal is for high school, everyone does it once, and then you embarrass yourself and realize that you should never do it ever again

-- max, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 18:02

ya back inna day i would bring up feelings for girl A to friend B and friend B would be like "yeah dude, everybody knows. she doesn't know, for some reason, but everybody else does and yr kinda embarassing yourself."

two years later turned out she did know. lol fuk. we still cool tho.

It's really not that big a deal. I might add that we've mostly all known each other since school, so shit's bound to happen along the way.

xpost

It actually happens all the time that friends get together and have romantic relationhsips.

-- roxymuzak, Wednesday, March 5, 2008 1:07 PM (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

I don't mind being friends with exes or having hooked up with friends.

However, I did just realize that this issue hasn't come up in awhile, because the only girls I hang out with on the regular are lesbians (or dating/married to my bros).

somewhere jon created a sex chart for the relationship antics of our high school friends. to get it to display properly, you basically had to print it on a mobius strip

phew, it feels like at least six weeks since we last did this thread.

C'mon, I'm bored, and it was just getting going so nicely.

laurel, i have something i want to tell you. it's serious, and i want you to listen to all of it, before you say anything ...

enrique, i need to talk to you about our friendship...

lol xpost

lawls

what is the impetus behind dividing people into 'friends' and 'more than friends' and drawing big lines between them

like there are people that i am initially like 'she's cute, but kind of annoying/i'm not into her romantically but shes cool' and then after hanging w/ her for awhile i change my mind

does that not happen w/ you guys ever?

Well let's see, the impetus in not sleeping with/dating my friends is that I like our friendships and I don't like things that fuck them up or make people need to avoid each other.

xp Er. I can't remember the last time I met someone I didn't know who was a) cute, and b) available.

Totally. Plus a bit of unresolved sexual tension can add harmless fun to a male/female friendship, as long as both parties totally know the score. It's not like there's a big on/off switch labelled fancy/don't fancy.

xpost

Somewhere in the attic I've got this great chart me & my friend Tyler made in high school detailing this massive city-spanning chain of unrequited feelings that eventually loops back around to the first person in the list. We wanted to use it as evidence that an orgy was necessary.

Plus a bit of unresolved sexual tension can add harmless fun to a male/female friendship,

but resolving that tension is so much more fun.

unresolved sexual tension can add harmless fun to a male/female friendship

Oh, see, we're not even speaking the same language.

What if these friends flirt with you like crazy, and in the instance of it being a female friend, they check out your junk every time you talk, and they ride their skirt up so far you can see their underwear?

What's the deal with that?

tell me about it burt!

now it's all awkward and weird, thanks burt

why you gotta go and do a thing like that

Hey, it's an honest element to these friendships ... what if there's like, total flirtation, almost over the line, yet it's still -that- friendship? It's bananas, man.

i like taking this thread seriously cuz its distracting me from the election thread

unresolved sexual tension can add harmless fun to a male/female friendship

Oh, see, we're not even speaking the same language.

Really?! That's one of the best parts! That said, I haven't experienced this in a while so maybe I'd think differently if it happened now.

xp Er. I can't remember the last time I met someone I didn't know who was a) cute, and b) available.

i had kinda imagined that this is less of a problem in nyc.

This is probably different because I live in a not gigantic college town and there are approximately 8 people who live here I haven't met yet.

NB: I might be weird. Also there are a ton more single women than men in NYC. We're making up for all the ski & surf towns.

Also there are a ton more single women than men in NYC.

so that's where they all are. all my female friends here are married or attached.

"'she's cute, but kind of annoying"

in my experience calling a girl annoying is guy for "im gonna try and fuck that chick". its an instant break up in my book.

kevin and laurel need to do houseswap

sunny, EVERYTHING is guy for "im gonna try and fuck that chick".

yeah

Pretty much. Stay away from the eternally unavailable girl--they might want to do you and show it, but emotional issues will keep things perma-just friends. Don't be fooled my poor, biologically-enslaved brethren!

Burt, can you meet me after sixth period?

behind the middle school

unresolved sexual tension can add harmless fun to a male/female friendship

OTM. I can't think of any female friends with whom I don't at least occasionally flirt with, albeit in the most conspicuously innocent way.

yes and yes

kevin and laurel need to do houseswap

Maybe AFTER Kevin finds a new apartment?

I should do the same, I don't think my apt would be good for him.

yeah, i think i'd probably wind up dead within 3 weeks. i'm not a young man anymore. and definitely after i move, i wouldn't subject anyone to living in my current place.

the things you wont do for love

Hey, I was looking at apartment prices in Chicago last week, I'll have you know.

jealous?

in my experience calling a girl annoying is guy for "im gonna try and fuck that chick". its an instant break up in my book.

thank you, sunny! you just clarified so many things for me!

If somebody really annoys you, but you're still hanging around with them by choice, then there's an ulterior motive there somewhere.

naw thats kind of unfair. 'annoying' might have been a misleading word. there are folks i don't mind being friends with but would feel sorta embarrassed to date

(and my point above was that despite this, sometimes someone can grow on me anyway even if i initially dismiss them out of hand )

there are folks i don't mind being friends with but would feel sorta embarrassed to date

this is guy for "no fatteys"

(j/k)

haha i meant personality!!!!

i cant even be friends w/ fatteys.

jk