Come in here, piss my bloody money up the wall: It's The Apprentice UK 4 thread

Runners and riders: http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/03_03/apprenticegraph_900x631.jpg

"Jennifer Maguire" sounds like a treat

Dom, what is that HEID in aid of, above?

It's an animatronic Alan Sugar head, which comes pre-programmed with twenty set phrases, as well as having "realistic eyes and mouth movement".

It's basically the photo you see in the dictionary under "Uncanny Valley"

Good for freaking out small children and pets, if nothing else.

Can you play ZX Spectrum games on it?

Right, according to a cursory readthrough of that:

No-chance: 1, 3, 5, 7, 11, 12, 15

Will Irritate but stay in: 4, 9, 10, 14

Possible finalists: 2, 6, 8, 13, 16

I reckon Alan Sugars office is the only one that uses that Amstrad phone.

No 16 I initially misread as "Alex Macpherson" WTF

Claire Young : "I apply myself 150%"
Alex Wotherspoon : "I give 100% all the way"

loser.

Shazia Wahab: "You should never judge a book by its cover as you never know what story is lurking underneath"

Thanks for explaining that saying.

Helene Speight "I expect nothing on a plate"

constantly surprised in restaurants.

or not, if we're talking W11.

Jennifer Celerier: "If you are sitting on the fence you are taking up too much space."

Didn't she have a #39 hit with something or other back in 1988?

It's an animatronic Alan Sugar head, which comes pre-programmed with twenty set phrases, as well as having "realistic eyes and mouth movement".

Sir Alan seems to have bugging of the eyes.

Nicholas De Lacey 'Don't Call Me Nick Brown' Brown is going to be a cracker.

Nick "Hideaway" Brown is what he's going to end up being called.

SCHADENFREUDE TIME

Who the shite are these charlatans? I'm sure last year were more human than this.

Oh, has Margaret had a facelift?

Its always tempting to start playing the "If I was on this.." game.

For while every one of them is all "I am the best salesperson in all Europe, ruthless, unmerciful, a winner.." etc, what price the one contestant that says "there are things I would not do for some vague concept of 'success'"

That's what a 'mission statement' is all about.

How many of them will turn out to have been on the Weakest Link about 3 times... they are all looking for a boost in their career... not necessarily with Sir A though....

Oh what a bunch of insufferable wankers...

I am liking the lack-of-bonding-leading-to-everyone-talking-over-each-other element. It's kind of unwatchable but brilliant at the same time.

I think that's a direct consequence of most of them having a "I will shit on a dying pensioner to win" attitude.

This is some frankly embarrassing negotiation here.

Seriously bad.

The girls sound about 14. Where's the backbone?

The guys are fucking idiots - you never admit to the boss that you don't get on as a team!

How many of them used to be in the Manics?

A little piece of Richey lives on in each and every fish

ha! Punchup tonite!

"I hate not winning." WE BELIEVE YOU, ALREADY.

THREE people carriers? FFS.

I've this horrible feeling they'll fire Alex and keep the other two in for fun.

"'Outstanding' - what, you haven't got it yet?"

Bye bye Nicholas.

"I'm interested in art, music, ..."

Mhmm. Bye.

Thank God for that.

Over to 2 for the 'reckoning'?

Jesus do they ever change the set?

"tool is just about the right word there"

They have to have a comedian on every panel now. It's the rules.

Incidentally, I got an A* at GCSE French.

My only A*, but still...

Hey, a gig's a gig...

Blowing one's own trumpet?

First one to go was one of my "No hopers"...

That comedian is a real scream!

OK, he's damgood at paintin and that.

I like Nicholas now.

> OK, he's damgood at paintin and that.

'there's a bit of a jesus thing going on around the top there'

er, saint sebastian. the arrows were a clue.

oh, and 'people say i'm like dali'. only dali could paint and didn't rip off dali.

he so did!

Yeah, Saint Seb, I know. Was that really dome by him? Full marks for sense of humour anyway.

I like Helene lost all the goodwill from other contestants when she denied in the boardroom scheming to remove Irish Jenny when accused of it by Lucinda - this was the week Irish Jenny went back and asked everyone "I'm not an ice queen, am I?" to tumbleweed. She was also in charge of the backroom in the photography task and failed to take responsibility for nothing coming out of there, I actually felt she was lucky not to go that week.

Clair in "fortunate to have come second, now can get lucrative media career without having to go to Amstrad/whatever, do the minimum until business idea fils cause it was rotten in the first place no blame on her and resign/quit then do the jngle show as business consultant/contestant" um, mice.

She's got to go and work for that council, hasn't she?

I like Helene lost all the goodwill from other contestants when she denied in the boardroom scheming to remove Irish Jenny when accused of it by Lucinda - this was the week Irish Jenny went back and asked everyone "I'm not an ice queen, am I?" to tumbleweed.

Was that the "snake" thing or something else? If the former, I completely disagreee. I thought everyone was shifting in their chairs thinking "You shouldn't have said that, Lucinda" after that.

everyone. In the boardroom, on this thread, in TVland, etc...

I remember Helene being horrible one week (also she was mean to lovely Lucinda), but I don't understand how she was being edited - did she really do nothing except a couple of glimpses of horrible? the others had glimpses of nastiness (or displays of outright nastiness in a couple of cases) but were also portrayed in a good light when things went right, or a comedy light when they didn't (hi dere Kevin & Michael), but Helene was all nothing nothing nothing, meanness, nothing nothing, bit more meanness, nothing nothing, sweary interview, not taking well to Alex being a cock, fired.

And I agree Lucinda shouldn't have said that in the boardroom that week - I wonder if that was the motivation for Alex grassing her up for her introspective moments during the interviews?

Actually, scrub that, Alex wouldn't remember that far back.

Claire was suitably apprentice-ish too, though, but Sir Alan seemed to just boil her down to 'well I can't work with *her*' even though he'd been banging on about the importance of getting on with colleagues.

IF Helene was a schemer that would put me right off her.

Also puzzling: her 'highlights' on You're Fired was a montage of her smiling/laughing/being in a hot air balloon. Can't remember there being nice comments from colleagues like their were in Alex's.

Or even any shots of her doing something businessy.

Alex blessim, blew a gasket because he really wanted the job more than anyone, and Lucinda's "oh I don't want to do this, or do I? yeah I do, um" prevarication was stroking his fur the wrong way.

But, wanting the job more than anyone else is actually not enough.

The best candidate for any job could well be the one that would go "Oh, didn't get it, never mind, I'll get another job/interview booked next week", i.e. in demand.

Claire was suitably apprentice-ish too, though, but Sir Alan seemed to just boil her down to 'well I can't work with *her*' even though he'd been banging on about the importance of getting on with colleagues.

Aye, the refusal to acknowledge that Claire had found her business head and stuck it on firmly since the criticism the week of the Simon-led photography task as puzzling. Sure she might be a gobshite (cheers Helene!) outside of work, but she reined it right in when it was required (i.e. in work). It was akin to that dobber in the interviews claiming that no-one could take Lucinda seriously because she presses flowers in her spare time. WTF does it matter what they're like outside of work if it doesn't impact on what they are like when they are IN work. I actually kind of warmed to Claire over the weeks, mostly because of that very thing - she showed that she'd listened and had turned herself into the kind of person you could tolerate working with rather than want to stab with your letter-opener.

So, Sug fired Lucinda and Clair (effectively) because *he* didn't feel like he could work with them.

Which is *his* failing, surely.

Like he's going to be in the same office as them!

Ailsa otm. As soon as Claire and Lee started on that task it was so obvious she'd learnt a million lessons and she was just breezily getting on with it (it helped that they latched on to an idea that they could both get giddy about and run with). If they were going on that task alone, it should have been hers.

Pretty much, yes. I wouldn't want to work with someone who spouted motivational catchphrases and lied to get a job, but there you go. No wonder I'm unemployed and SirAlan rules the universe or whatever he does that's so unique. xpost to Mark

Zoe, don't forget that the only reason he got through the presentation was because she helped him through it. She came across as very kind and patient at that stage as well, which is roughly when I turned to the other half and said "Lee's going to win this now"

Oh bugger. Bullshitters always win. (Haha, I am also currently unemployed. Perhaps should lie on my cv etc etc)

ailsa OTM. Lee's speech was apparently 100% better than the last one. i'm surprised they could tell since he said about 20 words and ended on "now he wants to smell like a man too"... uh.

it was quite clear that claire took over from that point and that her Q&A session was shortened in the editing to make it seem like she didn't actually do very much.

whereas, with lee, we actually did see pretty much everything he did at the pitch in those 20 words.

Sir Alan did say in his summing up in the boardroom that she handled the Q&A session excellently, which certainly didn't come across from what she said (though the "clever" editing in of the questioner nodding interestedly after about three words of her reply to the question about the connotations of a gambling-related product was evidently meant to make us realise that). I'm not sure why they didn't make more of the James Bond thing, tbh, I would have thought that the inherent sexiness of the last gambling-related Bond film would have been a much better tack to take, but what do I know, eh?

Also Nick's "gambling = debt = misery" totally missed the point, even after what Claire had said about it not being about gambling so much as being a man doing manly sexy things.

"online bingo = debt = misery".

It was only after what Claire said on the show.

The adpitch was all about the "let's attract the online bingoers to this fragrance", which was weird, as who feels the need to smell nice in front of a PC screen?

Anyone?

I wouldn't dream of starting a game of online bingo without applying a bit of Girth.

also, i wasn't at all sure what "dual use" this Dual bottle had apart from the other half being some sort of ornament/holder.

you could (internally) pour some frag from the big bottle into the small bottle, then take the small bottle to your sales meeting.

So the Paul Weller lookylikey won.

The moral?

The bully wins.

The liar wins.

The cheat wins.

What a great and inspiring message to convey to impressionable young viewers. Don't bother learning to spell; look where it gets you.

Or was this a sort of Closet Socialist Sugar Trojan Horse exercise?

the bully/liar/cheat wins the dumb job.

Everyone else looks good and gets high paid jobs in client facing endeavours.

Well this is what I was thinking but I fear any subversive intent will float right over the heads of today's "feral youth."

What a great and inspiring message to convey to impressionable young viewers.

I got quite cross about this last night - and again this morning, to the amusement of my co-workers. (Who did essentailly agree, but I was going off on one by then...)

After this Apprentice debacle, whoever wins Big Brother will almost look as though they deserve it.

Bets on Alexandra pay out at 125 to 1 at the moment.

I actually kind of warmed to Claire over the weeks, mostly because of that very thing - she showed that she'd listened and had turned herself into the kind of person you could tolerate working with rather than want to stab with your letter-opener

yeees ... probably ... i guess i felt claire was the one i'd hate working with least, so i suppose that's the same kind of thing.

i watched this in an AUTHENTIC STUDENT FLAT, which was ace: i'd forgotten the sheer joy of six or seven people all shouting at the TV, then each other. but the silence that fell when lee got the job! if i cared, i'd be shocked. i honestly thought it was all over after the interview task: when the street-smart swagger stopped, revealing a slightly desperate 30-year-old who can't spell.

however: as mrs fiendish reminds me ... don't they have that working-for-sir-alan-for-six-months thing, too? i'm sure there was chatter about this last year: the final two fuck off and toil for six months, and the final decision is based largely on that (which, if true, is utterly disingenuous and makes a mockery of the entire programme; but would certainly make sense on a running-a-proper-company level).

my cousin-who-used-to-be-a-junior-producer-on-you're-fired has swapped the london meeja rat-race for a life of drinking beer in bradford, so she'll be no fucking use either. arse.

the other thing, though: i think the indignation about lee's CV is somewhat laughable. i mean: as lies go, that's so feeble as to be completely excusable. this lot can suck one, for a start.

For my part, I would be extremely reluctant to employ someone who had thrown their commanding officer off a ship (Bannantyne).

I thought for a moment that "Lee - you're hired" was a double bluff and was going to lead to his having second thoughts and standing down, Katie-style, but it was not to be.

The problem with Lee is he just reminds me of the kind of guy who'd be your team leader when you were doing a summer job at a call centre, all fake chumminess and "ideas for morale" serving as a thin veneer for a core of barely concealed resentment at the very idea of you.

hmm: i think maybe a thin veneer for a core of crippling insecurity and self-loathing that might occasionally manifest itself as resentment.

or something.

either way: i wouldn't buy a futuristic hover-style digital advertisement display from him.

He'll end up leaving Amstrad after a year like they all do. Actually, what's Simon up to now?

Ambrose is now working at Amsprop and is also training as a surveyor. He will be in charge of developing a hotel and golf course near Stansted Airport and it is reported that he and Sir Alan are planning on building London's most expensive office and may bid for a prime site on London's St. James's Square.[6]

As of March 2008, Ambrose has reportedly "been working diligently on a property website that allows buyers to speed up legal obstacles".[7]

squattersrights.com

It was more the inability to use a spellchecker and get someone to proofread it for him (and the fact that he even got through the first sift of applications based on it) that threw me, tbh, but the lying was so pointless!

xpost

he and Sir Alan are planning on building London's most expensive office

i've got a small, glorious image of the two of them in hard hats, squabbling about the best way to mix cement. and wolf-whistling at ruth badger.

I was thinking more that episode of Family Guy.

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Two friends building a house together"

Despite the "reverse pteradactyl" impression in a high pressure interview and the "That's what I'm talking about!" catchphrase, Lee McQueen survived 12 intense weeks on TV to win the plum job as Alan Sugar's Apprentice. And Lee can't help coming over all football pundit, likening his victory, at the end of the day, to a Wembley final "because the underdog can still win." And it's a consistent showing from Lee that he reckons sealed his victory: "I delivered every time... If you think of it from a league table point of view, I'm Man United."

So, Man United are the underdogs?

Thread ends for another year...

gahhh. it really was simple as zat, then.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/entertainment/newsid_7484000/7484905.stm

Good work.

This guy is such a great role model for kids today...

vats what i'm talkin about!

Extra tosser points if he tries to pass off the cause as "sunstroke", despite not having seen the sun the whole time he was in Spain.

Plenty of newsagents sell it, and he only has to look at the pictures.

It's the 'stroke' I worry about.

Can't imagine he's into them either.