Cholesterol-rich? Top this!

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My sister is down from glasgow for the week. She tells me ov a NEW DELICACY, which is popular there¡!¡! Now, I'm sure y'r'all aware of thee urban myth that glaswegians eat deep fried mars bars. I have no idea if this is true or not. Clearly, sis does not venture into establishments which specialise in such nosh. However, she has witnessed, with her very own eyes, this being sold to, and requested by the general public:

1/ take a deep-frozen pizza

2/ place hamburger on one half of same

3/ fold pizza in half

4/ deep fry whole concoction in batter

Go on. Top this. I bet you can't.

BTW, to any north-east englanders reading this. The glaswegian equivalent of a "CHARVER" is a "NED". Same baggy-sportswear fash sense. Same whiny nasal voice (except w/glasgow instead of geordie accent). same prelediction for petty crime & drugs/drug dealing. Depressing, ain't it? xoxo

― Pha|\||\|y Craddox0r, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

5/ die on toilet

― Madchen, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

This pizza concoction actually seems believeable as a genuine Italian delicacy. I'm sure there is a variation on the calzone which is deep fried and involves mince rather than a burger as such. Does the burger come in a bun or is it just a beef PATTY? Anyway, surely something's been lost along the way with this story because how do you fold a frozen pizza in half?

Whether it's real or not, I would quite like one of these had I drunk a few ales. Fuck, I want one *now* and I'm Stone Cold sober. (Austin, how could you?) I wonder if I can recreate it at home?

― Greg, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The deep fried Mars bar is not a myth. There are chip shops (not just in Glasgow) that offer this heart-atttack inducing delicacy. I've known people who have had it, it's "quite nice, actually". I don't think I'll be trying it.

― D*A*V*I*D*M, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I think I can top it -- or at least, an Iron Chef would top it by encasing this item in a pig's bladder.

― Andy, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

There are chip shops in Oxford where you can buy deep fried Mars Bars. The deep fried pizza is an old foe of mine; adding a hamburger would be revolting one imagines. Of course, in Glasgow you'd have to have the chips covered in salt n vinegar not salt n sauce.

― alex thomson, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I don't eat sauce unless the chips are shit. When she asks how much vinegar on my chip butty I say "too much" and she knows that that means to cover it until the bread's in danger of becoming soggy. 95p for a chip butty and if you get the old lady she gives you extra chips for being a young lad.

― Greg, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

we have mars bar icecream for xmas, but deep fried?

― Geoff, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Charver's just a general term, and doesn't necessarily mean you're into drug dealing. Most charvers are about 12 anyway, and they just go to the MacDonald's drive-thru to pretend to be dealers. I'd say the Manc accent was more generally popular, which is fucking worrying in Yorkshire. Have we learnt nothing? AHEM! Charver is not just a general term! It refers to a specific type up here in the tyneside area. Basically shoplifter/petty crim/TWOCer/drug dealer wannabe ages 12-21(ish?). Wears baggy sportswear. Drives vauxhall nova kitted out to look like nova sri. Short "hitler youth" style hair, often highlighted. Bum-fluff moustache. Lotsa really tacky gold jewellry inc big sovereign rings. Oh, and utterly UTTERLY loathsome.

I asked my father-in-law (from wakefield area) if he'd heard the term, and he remembered it as meaning "mate" or "lad" in his youth. Up here it means what perry from "kevin and perry" turned into when he came back from manchester. One thing we can agree on is the impersonation of a manc accent. The more hardcore charvers I come across really do lay it on thick! Non "zone 7" posters may like to try to imagine a fake scally manc accent filtered thru North yorkshire, geordie or glaswegian accents. Uuuugh. 'Though some use it as a general term for attitudinous "yoof", it is not so. Youngsters can get seriously upset if called charvers (typical graffiti sp. chava/charva eg "chava kru comin thru!") ...like once coming home on bus, I heard this -

"ye fukn charver bitch"

(w/great feeling) "divvent yee caaal meee charver!!! aaaahm not fukn carver!!!"

Origin of word apparently roma - means both "thief" & "shit". Also polari term for energetic shagging. Ironic, given that tho' gay (& non- white) charvers do exist, yer average white charver is v. unpleasantly homophobic (& racist)

Type "charver" into google, & see what comes up. 12 months ago, there was nothing!

charver words:

"tack" = dope/grass etc

"whiz" = speed

"cushty" = OK

"unreeeal" = slightly unusual conditions of some sort

"c*nt", "y'c*nt", "fck" etc. = general punctuation. Make sure you use one of these words at least every other 3 words for authentic charver- ese.

You just get to read abt this, folks. I get to live with it :)

Oh, and the pizza is a defrosted deep-frozen sort (hence folding, not snapping) and it's a beef patty. Yum

xoxo

― "chava hata", Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Bum-fluff moustache.

IEEEEEE!

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

There were many charvers around York when I was last there a few years back. They almost exactly fitted Norman's description, but I'd assumed it was a local York thing. I didn't realise the phenomenon existed in other parts of the NE.

More words to be added to charver glossary:

Ding - punch, kick or other blow

Napper - head

Rinky-dink - stupid, wrong.

Hence charver phrase much beloved by younger brother: "Ehhh, rinky- dink charver, ding 'im ont'napper".

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

First you say this:

The glaswegian equivalent of a "CHARVER" is a "NED".

And then:

Charver is not just a general term! It refers to a specific type up here in the tyneside area. Basically shoplifter/petty crim/TWOCer/drug dealer wannabe ages 12-21(ish?). Wears baggy sportswear. Drives vauxhall nova kitted out to look like nova sri. Short "hitler youth" style hair, often highlighted. Bum-fluff moustache. Lotsa really tacky gold jewellry inc big sovereign rings. Oh, and utterly UTTERLY loathsome.

And now how I am supposed to feel? *cries*

Setting aside the fact that flocks of people who I wouldn't be caught dead around are described with my name -- as mentioned, deep fried Mars Bars are real. To my great satisfaction, Jane, who is most Scottish indeed, is not fond of them herself, and I have been spared the sight. However, she has made it clear I am to have some haggis when I'm over in a few days, so I'll report on that if I survive. ;-)

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"short, hitler youth style hair", mr raggett? Say it ain't so! (blubs)

xoxo

― Norman Fay, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ignore my last post. Now I've actually read Mr R's post, that it (blushes). Hey ned, it's not my fault! I did a trawl on google for "charver", and found that in another part of thee UK, charvers are known as "dustbins" DUSTBINS!!! bwahahahahhhaaaahaa (etc)

xoxo

― Norman Fay, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"that it" = "that is"

Now I'm trying, to, equal doompatrol's, record for, consecutive, posts. xoxo

― Norman Fay, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I think you'll find the Charver to be a national phenomenon - if you'd like to come down to Chadwell Heath I'll take you round the local supermarket car parks after dark, and there'll be swarms of the fuckers. The slang and accent would appear to be different depending on the region, as if anyone affected a Manc accent round here someone would beat them up. They're not called charvers round 'ere either, more likely Kevs, as they're invariably called Kev.

― DG, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sadly, I fear yr right. Thinking about it, Ali G is a charver, isn't he? dear oh dear (etc etc)

xoxo

― Norman Fay, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Damn it, people, we're losing the focus of the thread!

I think a Monte Cristo qualifies. Take a couple of slice of rye bread - 2 sandwiches' worth. Throw in a bunch of ham & turkey (sliced thin, of course). Add some cheddar cheese sauce, and maybe a few strips of bacon. Then deep-fry the sucker, sprinkle some powdered sugar on top, and put a little cup of jelly on the side for dipping. It's a strange conglomeration of textures - the sweetness of the sugar, the cheddarness of the cheese - and it almost works. Almost. I had to eat mine in three sittings (franch fries included).

I think people (all across the world, not just Ned's Charvers) would willfully eat Crisco from the can, if told it tasted good.

― David Raposa, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

pah! Your foodstuffs sound positively lightweight next to the wonder that is Slard. That's sugared lard to you. All the taste of sugar. All the goodness of lard. Kids love it.

― The Dirty Vicar, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Chippy in Hartlepool does deep fried christmas pudding in batter at erm, Christmas.

― Billy Dods, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If they're known as 'atomics' elsewhere, Norman, then clearly we have a conspiracy. ;-)

Damn you for bringing up Monte Cristo sandwiches, Dave. You are to be killed.

Honest to god fried chicken with lard will kill you happily. And all too easily.

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The monte cristo is the most APPALLING IDEA EVER. It's even worse than the aforementioned deep-fried pizzaburger because it involves powdered sugar. It's like making a sandwich and French toast at the same time.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Right, let's see. By a general term I never meant a term for any kid. Yeah, it's just the type of kid you describe but it's not necessarily an actual dealer, just someone who looks like that. To credit a lot of them with actual crime is just complimenting them on the look they're going for.

DG's got it bang on - I forgot to mention that charver is just the new slang that means the same as a kev (lower-case k?).

Oh, and Fay, you'll find the Novas are styled to look like GTEs/GSis. The SRi is the 1.4 litre injection. The GTE is the 1.6 injection with the full body kit (colour-coded deep bumpers, colour-coded skirts). The GSi is also 1.6i but with the 3-spoke Nova alloys and various other little bits (clear indicator lenses? I think so). They're still all pretty much shit. Being a Golf GTI owner I could talk for hours about the comparative differences, and I don't even dislike Novas much.

http:// members.tripod.co.uk/DIY_ICE/mycar/car/05.jpg - for the unlucky non-UK people.

― Greg, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Subthread: why is lard so funny? "All the goodness of lard"... brilliant.

― John Davey, Monday, 23 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

you'll find the Novas are styled to look like GTEs/GSis. The SRi is the 1.4 litre injection. The GTE is the 1.6 injection with the full body kit (colour-coded deep bumpers, colour-coded skirts).

Errr....? There is a charver abt 1 1/2 miles from where I live who has a bog standard vauxhall carlton tricked up to look like a lotus carlton. Does that count?

Volkswagen golf gti? HA!!! PH3AR MY 1989 SAAB 900 s-16!!!!

xoxo

― Norman Fay, Tuesday, 24 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

No, no, no, Dan. MOST APPALLING IDEA = American Chop Suey. Not fattening, no, but imagine a lasagna-like casserole that tasted like digested lasagna, and you're close. Utterly abominable.

You know, a Monte Cristo doesn't sound too bad, right about now...

― David Raposa, Tuesday, 24 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

David, David, David. Why don't you just dip several sticks of butter in sucrose and chicken fat and just eat *that*? ;-)

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 24 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

NO KIDDING. Top it off with Bac-O-Bits and mayonaise and you'll be set.

― Dan Perry, Tuesday, 24 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i bet peter david told him to do it. peter david, a big greasy walking monte cristo.

― ethan, Tuesday, 24 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Subthread: why is lard so funny? "All the goodness of lard"... brilliant.

Is it the name, I wonder? It does kind of roll off the tongue.

Anyway, if you think lard is funny, wait till you make the acquaintance of Swiftnin' Bland Lard at the Orphanage of Cast-Off Mascots: http://www.lileks.com/institute/orphanage/index.html

― The Dirty Vicar, Thursday, 26 July 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

four months pass...

Um.........where I come from charvers are known as complete bastards if ur not 1 urself. I guess they do dress like Ali-G, but at least he has a gud sense of humor, unlike them thinking that verbally and physically abusing someone on the street is fun. They also seem 2 have a strong hatred of goths, for some reason. Those of us who do like 2 dress in black and listen 2 that type of music have 2 walk round in groups, otherwise we're risking a gud ass-kicking. Anyway, does any1 else have that kinda problem??

― louise, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

yall are making my hungry.

― Samantha, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

two weeks pass...

You can get Deep Fried Mars bars anywhere in Scotland. All you have to do is buy one , take it into any chippy and they will oblige by dippin it in batter and chuckin it in the fat for a few minutes....Utterly disgusting though !!

― Chunky, Wednesday, 2 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I am sad to see that "mucker.co.uk" is down for the count. It served as a clearinghouse for all ned-related documentation. "hey roakit!"

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 2 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I once had a party at my house (back in my Orange County, CA days) where you could have vegan potato tacos or Elvis specials.

One dared to try the Elvis special. I still haven't heard the true recipe, but this is what I tried anyway:

Take two slices of white, white bread and grill them in butter. Not margarine. Butter.
Peel out a banana and mash it in a separate bowl
Take two grilled pieces of bread, apply mashed banana
Then apply Skippy peanut butter, then marshmellow creme.
Eat. Exclaim. Die.

I hate to say it, but I made one for myself and it was damned good, if not damned rich. I survived, too.

― Brian MacDonald, Wednesday, 2 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

three months pass...

theres not enough room in this world 4 charva bitches who think there rock by drinkin on the street corners with a bottle of white shite (cider) but there is plenty room 4 git canny as owt charvas. p.s the north east have battered mars bars and cream eggs !!!

― debra griffiths, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I could go for a battered creme egg right now. It might help unravel the booz wool.

― RickyT, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

three months pass...

Tuna melts:
Start with 1/2 can tuna fish (get the kind in oil instead of water if you really want to lay into the calories). Mix with a few spoonfuls of mayonnaise and some tiny cubes of cucumber. Slice some cheddar cheese and get out two slices of bread, and start a bit of butter in a frying pan. While the butter heats, put the cheddar cheese on the bread, and heap on some tuna. Put it into the frying pan, and put something heavy but heat proof on top to flatten it. Flip it over 1/2 way through. Eat as much as you can hold, ideally with a side of french fries. They're delicious.

― lyra in seattle, Friday, 26 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Eat. Exclaim. Die.

How the fuck did I miss this brilliance when it was first posted?

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 26 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

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