Dating Single Parents

wanna score? always get the kid's name wrong.

only one answer and we're already in a psychological hall of mirrors!

If the child's other parent is still on the scene in any way at all, make it your business to form a decent relationship with him/her (even if he/she is actually a bit of a dick).

good advice: be nice to the kid

or kill the kid

treat the kid like you would an annoying best friend.

Darraghmac, how so?

If the child's other parent is still on the scene in any way at all,

No, this is fortunately not the case. She has full custody. Dad is not in the picture.

tell her it's okay the kid is still a bedwetter.

say you're a proponent of harsh punishment and then show her your whip giving her an evil eye:

"SHINY SHINY SHINY BOOTS OF LEATHAH"

Tell her your friend Tuomas likes to have kids around when having sex.

Follow nathalie's advice; AT YOUR PERIL.

Sorry, I really don't know what to say. I'd just be honest. If you like kids, tell her so. If you don't... well, lie.

*hits self* I'll shut up now.

My brother is dating the mother of a five year old, and he loves it. The kid has totally accepted him, he gets on great with the kid, and it makes their relationship stronger. I think forging a good relationship with the child is absolutely urgent and key, and will make the mother look on you in an even better light too. Good luck!

Or make you look like a pedo.

I hope guys can still forge ties with kids without having to worry whether they look like a pedophile.

Me too. Srsly. I hate it that I'm paranoid and distrustful when a guy is looking at my daughter.

There's no advice one can give: it depends from parent to parent. I know my friend wouldn't want to have the boyfriend talk too much about her kid or wanting to hang out with the son. BUt that's *her*. Your partner could be totally different. Like I said, I'd just go with the flow and be honest with her and yourself.

No, I don't think that I have anything to fear about her thinking I'm a creepy weirdo thing.

I'm more worried about like, if the relationship goes on for a while - which I'm really hoping it will - what kind of role I'd be expected to have in parenting decisions or disciplining the kid if he does something wrong and that sort of stuff. Thinking about the line I walk between being some guy she brought in off the street and being a responsible adult in this kids' life.

Don't worry, this is all stuff that I plan to talk with her about. I'm just interested in hearing other peoples' ideas first.

You sound like a good guy, and really the only thing you need to do is take cues from her about the kid. Is the kid going on dates with you?

I'm not a parent, but I have had a few single parent friends go through the dating process - and what they have said is that first they want to date (because it's fun), and then figure out if the guy/gal should get to know the kid.

I don't discipline my friend's kids - as long as you are a "friend", you shouldn't think of it as anything more than what it is.

Anyway, I think it's great that you are giving this so much thought - you obviously really care for her, and i hope it all works out well!

I'm more worried about like, if the relationship goes on for a while - which I'm really hoping it will - what kind of role I'd be expected to have in parenting decisions or disciplining the kid if he does something wrong and that sort of stuff. Thinking about the line I walk between being some guy she brought in off the street and being a responsible adult in this kids' life

It's good that you're thinking about this, but you've only just started dating her, so I think initially you won't have to worry too much about this. There'll be a natural progression towards these issues, if the relationship develops. When and if you get to that stage, these things will be a lot easier to handle as you'll be comfortable with looking after the child, understand his/her behaviour better etc etc. Until then, just try and get to know the kid gradually. It'll take a while.

What Dr C said.

Honestly I think the idea of becoming an "instant parent" to a kid of your partner is a frightening prospect. Good luck!

a friend of mine dated and married a single parent. he's not the kids' dad, but seems to have evolved into a parental role as per Dr.C. it helps that he's a pretty responsible guy to begin with.

I know a couple.(hah, ORLY) The couple have four kids but none have the same two parents. I find this evolution to be pretty fucking weird tbh. I'm probably a bit conservative about it but how do you cope with such a situation???

Definitely what Dr C said. I'm coming at this from vague remembrances of what it was like when my mum was dating people, and it did just end up feeling natural - someone's around for a bit, then they're around a lot, then they end up part of the family.

I know a couple.(hah, ORLY) The couple have four kids but none have the same two parents. I find this evolution to be pretty fucking weird tbh. I'm probably a bit conservative about it but how do you cope with such a situation???

This has GOT to be made into a sitcom.

I am friends with a couple of single parents, and they've all said that the key for anyone to be accepted into their lives is to understand that, at the end of the day, the kid will ALWAYS come first.

If you're alright with that, (a) you have a headstart on what its like to married with children and (b) you stand a good chance of ending up treating the kid well, and within the parameters of what the parent will find acceptible.

Give the kid sips of your beer.

Good advice so far. I have dated a number of single parents and helped homeschool one kid through 2nd grade (he is now 22!!! and my roommate). The only thing that is coming to mind (and I do this with my current girlfriend when we discuss her kids who are all in their 20's) is what my stepfather once said to me about coming into my life - he viewed his role as essentially an advocate/supporter for my sister and I, while still letting my mom/dad handle actual discipline and rules and such.

Of course, what your partner wants may differ. Communication is key.

Please don't forget the "dating is fun" part!

just tell her you believe her internet persona is "real"

My parents divorced when I was ten, so I just had to suffer through a whole bunch of "Parents Without Partners" socials.

I don't remember what we (the kids) did - I think it was just a bunch of bitter kids being forced to socialize while their various parents tried to, um, get a date.
So we all ran away.
I recall getting into some smoking at that time - it was easy to lift a few from a single mom purse, back in the old days.

benson and hedges.

the best way to win the kid over is to make the mom happy. don't try to take on a parent role too quickly. if you last, there will be an inevitable moment when you are told, "you are not my parent" - understand that there will be jealousy issues - there might be some irrational moment when the kid wants to have all the mommy's attention. that's okay, wait it out. this from a kid who grew up with step-parents. mostly, though, just make mom happy.

Let the kid know (and have the mom let the kid know) that the relationship between the kid and mom is safe, that your relationship with mom in no way threatens or undermines that relationship -- that when push comes to shove, the kid comes first.

"Are you going to be my daddy tonight?"

Growing up with a single parent, my father, I was always happy when he was dating; it meant that his scrutiny was elsewhere than on me and his mood seemed a lot better.

Yikes! I guess I might have been responsible for changing the topic, but...
It's really important to date the person you are dating. Not their past, not their children, not their history.

It's sort of unfair to her that you're thinking of it as "dating a single mom".

You are dating a woman who you are attracted to.
Would she turn around and say "I'm anxious about dating a childless single guy?"

OK, I have to watch L O S T right now. But I think you are doing the right thing.

OMG l o s t.

Anyhow, I think my point is valid. You are dating HER - and everything else will happen with and for the kid when it is supposed to.

It's funny (both strange and Ha Ha!) that so many folks on this board have such intense memories of their parents dating.

I didn't care if my mom dated - being dragged to parents without partners meetings was sort of stupid. For me, I think it was a horrible clash of my adolescence happening exactly when my mother decided to get a divorce and find herself. (menopause got involved in there as well.)

But, anyway - you are not pitching woo to a single mom. You are pitching woo to a lovely and wonderful woman. She is a mom, which is another amazing aspect of her.

I dated a girl with a one-year old years ago. We were together for a year and it was pretty great except for being called Dad by the kid. Pretty awkward. She had to teach him to call me by my first name.

:-( Kind of shows how important a dad is in a kid's life. Just as relevant as the mom.

You are pitching woo to a lovely and wonderful woman. She is a mom, which is another amazing aspect of her.

No doubt aimurchie, no doubt. I just wanted to frame the question around a single aspect of our burgeoning relationship that I felt ilxors would have some helpful insights about.

And I continue to give you kudos for being so thoughtful.
Also for agreeing that you are pitching woo, which is my all time favorite term for that wonderful beginning of a relationship time.

I don't agree that you can take a mom separate from her kids.

er, me. When I had kids, I stopped being just me. I became me with kids.

Well, that's sort of a thorny part of the question.

you're a married mom, I'm a single non-mom. I guess i think (and have heard from single parents who are dating) that the dating part is fun and wonderful and maybe a way to establish an identity outside of the constant parent identity.
Obviously, as relationships progress, both people agree to take on more responsibility for each others health, commitments and general well being.
It's not like the child (or children) will ever be left out of the equation. It's more like allowing an adult, who happens to have children, to be able to date without that being a plus or a minus for them.

Also, do you think you can "take a dad" separate from his kids? I'm really curious about that.
Is it really more about a single mom than a single dad?

I'm surprised no one's brought up the logistics of gettin it on.

You wait until you've put the kid to bed. Same as for not-single parents.

Except in Finland.