English Football Types

Foreign player - Argentinian midfielder, was called "New Maradona" after playing four minutes for River Plate in a reserve game

No apology needed, this is generalist, the other is very specific.

Foreign player - African footballer who spends weekly paycheck on Swarovski encrusted mobile phones and Cristal to be drunk off of a Page 3 girl's tits.

Kevin Prince-Boateng isn't African!

Foreign player - Aging German/Spaniard/Frenchman striker who started his career off at Bayern Munich/Real Madrid/Lyon who has somehow ended up playing in League 1, possibly after periods playing in both Finland and Qatar.

Foreign player - comfortably the best footballer in the entire squad who still doesn't realise that throwing a big strop and snarling at the ineptitude of his team mates is not the best way to secure that dream move to Chelsea.

Journalist - bibulous piss-stained horror, drinking and smoking his way to an early grave and with even less scruples and morals than the managers and players he's writing, but who, nonetheless often knows what he's talking about, unlike...
Journalist - serious-minded Arsenal-supporting twat who writes flowery shite for the "qualities" that he fondly imagines to be bordering on literature and he hopes will one day be form the basis of a book of his collected works but who, in fact, knows less about football than the average 7-year old on a council estate

i'm voting for them all.

but mainly the first one.

Foreign player - crap mate who comes along to make mercurial superstar feel more at home, scores own goal in first appearance (Carling Cup tie with Burnley).

Journalist - Stand-up comedian, kids TV host, or former Diary writer given 1,000 words every Monday to string off a list of unfunny gags about daft kits, fat players, or footballer's haircuts of the 1980s

Oh yes, how could I miss out the journos?

Ex player with drink problem who opens bar, covered with pic's of his glory days

Foreign player - naturalised old veteran with a peculiar accent that is a mix of Salford and Oslo.

English player - fat lad.

Ex-footballer - Turns up every week to watch his son play in the reserves for Coventry. Cries inside.

FA official - puffed up little Gauleiter of a squirt

Streaker - 'appeared' at six different Football League grounds, banned from ever attending a football match again.

Do I even need to vote at this point? I'm always Very Much in Character, so there's no question, really.

player - ancient pro whose "reading of the game" makes up for the fact that he's a creaking lardass who couldn't run to catch a cold

Foreign player - 35-year old former Ajax and Real Madrid superstar, signed for Bolton on a Bosman.

Brazilian player - capped by Big Phil to drive his price up, can't pass accurately at a distance greater than 5'. Or less than 5'. Or 5'.

English player - never capped for his country, gang rapist

English player - capped for his country, gang rapist

English player - capped for his country, gang racist

English player - capped for his country, closet homosexual

Foreign player - capped for his country, happy to be perceived as gay icon

Supporter's club Chairman - angry Marxist

English player - thinks reading the Guardian makes him an intellectual

Zine writer/blogger - relative anonymity and decades of accumulated bitterness have fuelled belief that UK libel laws don't apply to him

Journalist - former NME writer from 1996, compares Fulham's offside trap to Baudrillard with a straight face

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