Invent your own job, and provide a job description

Position title: Chair Officer

Job description: You will be responsible for sitting in chairs.

Position title: Rope Burner

Job description: You have to burn the rope.

Excellent work Z S.

Position title: Motherf***er In Charge of F***ing Shit Up

Job description: The person taking this position will have company wide responsibility for taking shit and ensuring that it is f***ed up within deadlines and under budgetary constraints. Ideally the applicant will also have experience of being a motherf***er.

Sorry, but today I've been looking at job descriptions containing things like "Must have 5 years experience of Windows Vista".

"i'm not that ambitious, really. id just like something thats intellectually rigorous and fairly remunerative but that still allows me plenty of time to cultivate outside hobbies and to spend with friends and family. i'd like something engaging and flexible where i have a good degree of autonomy but also get to collaborate with smart, funny people. if its possible i'd like to travel as well - not a lot but maybe once or twice a year? - just not to faceless conventions in the industrial midwest or the suburban south. exciting places. i'd prefer it if it was something with some cachet too - if only to get my mom off my back. last i'd like a decent dental plan. and a car service.

in closing i look forward to discussing any such opportunities in person, and will await your prompt response"

Amen.

Position title: Snowboarder on the Moon

Job description: You will be responsible for snowboarding on the Moon. Weekends will be free for your own choice of leisure activity, such as mountain biking on the Moon.

would push for mileage allowance, tbh.

Position title: Cultural Philanthropist

Job description: You will leverage your experience with the Fort Reno concert series, the National Gallery of Art film program, and the Black Cat nightclub to optimally distribute the proceeds of a ginormous fund dedicated to improving entertainment and night life in the Washington, DC Metropolitan Area.

Position title: Butt Specialist
Job description: Sit in office all day and describe the comfort or discomfort your butt feels. Try a wide array of chairs and provide similar feedback. Secondary job - log flatulence

Position title: Barstool Jockey

Description: Successful candidate will have 10+ years of loitering experience at bars with a minimum of 50 visits per year, no bullshit we can tell. BAU includes regular assessment of barstool positioning, inspection of surrounding area, cursory glances, and searching for lost items. Office duties (9-3) include trend analysis, presentations to mgmt, and outlook forecasting.

Position: Sender Of Intermittent Vague Emails (SOIVE)
Duties: Successful candidate will send a company-wide email once every couple of weeks with one or two sentences of introductory text that link it to some conversation that was had during any Zoom call held during the interval since the last email, and also include in said email a link to an outside news article of potential interest. Said news article must be just interesting enough to provoke a "Huh, how about that" level response, but nothing more. No direct action or change in company policy must ever result from these emails.