What happens at an ashes scattering?

Scattering of ashes, even.

Where are you doing it Ned?

At a woodland trust...er...woodland. We've got a bench, but I'm not sure if people say something or what they do. Seems a bit weird just to go, scatter and leave. I feel I should say something.

someone gonna post waltersobchak.gif

The easiest, and most obvious, answer, is to do what you feel is right. something personal to you and to him, maybe? And all good wishes to you and yours.

We did ths with my dear grandpa, a couple of years ago. We took a boat out to the sea and 'released' him there, which was his wish. It was at sunset, we all had drinks... it was a thing of beauty, to be honest.
What to say? I can't even remember if anyone said anything at that moment. The water was peaceful, as was the last light of day. It was sound. Perhaps thoughts just were enough. I don't know 'rehearsing' a speech is the best way to go. Maybe just wait and see what comes to you, follow your heart.

All the best tomorrow Ned.

Thanks all.
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I know what you mean but at the moment nothing seems particularly right. The whole notion seems odd. It's like a funeral part two, which I'm sure it shouldn't be but...oh, I'm not expressing myself well here, I just don't know what to expect.

Maybe take something along you like that you can read if you like, but don't feel you have to read it.

I'll be thinking of you loads.

Yeah, I totally hear you about 'funeral part two'. This seemed odd to me as well. If I may ask, how much time has gone by between the actual funeral and tomorrow?
And what do you mean by 'we've got a bench'?

The thing that gave it extra value for me was that the original funeral was like every funeral: it's only been a couple of days, it's quite a 'static' ritual, people who you don't even know show up, crying... it's a miserable thing.
The scattering of the ashes was a much more 'pleasant' (can't think of another, more suitable word) event. It had been four or five months since his death, so I wasn't 'locked' in that early grief anymore. There was room for contemplation, laughter even, when remembering him. It was slow-paced and entirely arranged just how he'd envisioned it to be and how we liked it to be. That awful feeling two, three days after his death of 'being lived, getting through it' was gone. There was something very peaceful and sincere about it. Much more than the funeral just after he passed away.
And the thing is: because of this, I remember that boat trip much more than the original funeral. And I can't express how wonderful it is - in retrospect - to have that boat trip as the prime memory of his funeral, instead of the cremation itself.

Try to think of it not as a repetition, but as a chance. A chance of saying goodbye in a more peaceful, self-controled manner.

Ned, hugs, really. :-(

All the best, Ned.

RIP Ned Trifle I

Thanks.
Sorry, I'm backwards and forwards here, doing a few things.
Anyway it's been 9 months since he died. And, although that seems like a long time, to me it's been really quick. The funeral was really about as good as it can be, lots of his friends, his favourite music, really good eulogist (is that right?) and perhaps because that went 'so well' this seems more difficult. I think I'm more nervous about this. It's more personal, just a few of us, no funeral person leading us.

The bench is one of these.

Heheh - I just noticed the size of a small football pitch bit - so I guess I'll be able to run and hide behind a tree if it all gets too much!

This is partly the reaso it's been so long. They took a long time making that bench. And it doesn't look that complicated.

Those benches are a really wonderful idea.

And the small gathering of close relatives and friends means you don't have to prepare anything and you have the chance to just be yourself and say how you really feel, how you remember him, what he meant to you, personal things you may not have said when there were more people around at the first service.

Yeah, that really does seem nice, that bench. Best wishes Ned.

OK, well that was a total f-ing disaster!
The bench wasn't there. We trudged around a very wet woodland with my poor old uncle (who suffers terribly from asthma) looking for this thing, carrying the urn (which I have to report was surprisingly heavy) and it hadn't been put up. The WT have had our money for nearly four months!

Looking back at it now it has taken on the dimensions of a farce but at the time it was thoroughly distressing and depressing.

Ned I'm so sorry :(

No one told you it wasn't up yet? You had to find this out yourself? No apologies? That's unacceptable, really.

Even worse - they told us it WAS up!

Oh Ned, that's really rotten. And your poor uncle. Did you go ahead with the scattering, or did you postpone?

After Mr. Jaq's father died, my MIL drove around with his ashes in a cardboard box in the trunk of the car for almost a year. This distressed me, though I can't say exactly why.

I did this today. My wife died 3.5 years ago, but she donated her body to medical science, and they keep it for 3 years. She was finally cremated in June. I wanted to scatter them asap but terrible weather and train strikes stopped that from happening until now.

I went to her favourite beach in Hastings and scattered them there with the ashes of 2 of our cats. She said I could just chuck her in the sea anywhere because she knew I'd probably move away after she died, but I'm glad I did it somewhere that was special to her.

One of my best friends who also lost his wife to cancer last year came with me.

Thinking of you, CP xx

My father died in 1996. Sometime around 2004 I scattered half the ashes with my mother before she moved, and she saved the other half to scatter with my sister later. But years went on and that never happened. I also didn't know what had happened to my dad's ashes, and I was worried about asking my mom fearing she had just chucked them out. My parents had a strained relationship over their last 10 years of marriage. When I'd go visit my mom I poked around and could never find them and finally resigned myself to the idea that these ashes were just gone.

My mom died this spring. She never threw shit away; she wasn't really a hoarder, but she just had a lot of shit, particularly biscuit and cracker tins. There was one on a desk in her room that I'd ignored, an Uncle Ben's White Rice tin; finally while cleaning that room out, I picked it up and it was heavy as fuck. I opened it...there were the rest of my dad's ashes.

I asked my sister if she wanted them (she was already taking my mom's ashes back home with her... we'll presumably go back up to the reservation next year and bury them, at least, that's the plan) and she said hell no, she was traumatized by my dad's alcoholism and shitty attitude. So I shipped them home, and I scattered them at the beach a few months ago, in the same place we'd scattered the other half 20 years ago. My wife and kid came, but I scattered the ashes alone. It was less traumatic than I thought it would be.

Sending my thoughts and best wishes, Colonel P, hope we can meet again at a FAP one day.

Four years ago, my sister and I scattered my mum's ashes in a bay on the Isle of Bute where she used to go for family holidays when she was a child - actually it was me who did the scattering. We had to find a little stream that ran down to the bay. Yes, ashes are heavy!

I would like to do a FAP at some point but I don't think they happen any more

I'm just glad I got it done tbh. It was hanging over me and I know it wasn't my fault but I felt like it was anyway. My friends took me out after and got me shitfaced which tbf is not that hard for people to do but I always appreciate it when it happens

Sending you my thoughts, CP. Glad you have done this, and what was hanging over has been lifted. That you had people around you and had a nice time after.

(xp) There's ILB FAPs! One is coming up in fact.

Indeed it is