what other people think

i'm interested, but not invested.

it really bothers me.

which totally sucks.

u have some brains Kerm

i actually devote a lot of time to this subject, which seems pathetic. but i suspect a lot of people do. what do people think of my lifestyle. what i'm wearing. how i talk. it seems like a big fat waste of energy, but i haven't been able to shake the preoccupation.

like, if i didn't give a flying fig what people thought, i'd be wearing all sorts of beautiful eye shadows, liners and ridonculous clothing to work, like every day. but um, that just doesn't happen. terrible

If anybody else paid half as much attention to us as we do to ourselves, we'd get a restraining order.

so you're saying i should wear the green eyeshadow?

well of course everyone cares what people think. and anyone who says otherwise is only saying so because they care that you think that they are above caring what you think.

Totally figured this would be Ramzi thread.

i can't believe you think i'm that predictable

Totally figured this would be dell thread.

phil-two sort of otm, though, I think. If you really, truly don't care what anyone else thinks, then chances are that you are either a sociopath, a saint, or a scientologist.

Kerm otm.

I care what other people think. About myself in the Kerm way. I do care about others' ideas on things, too, but mainly things I'm interested and when I largely agree with them.

I would be most interested of all in knowing what my dog thinks.

to some extent it's an important social mechanism, so it's not a totally bad thing.

your dog told he thinks you're rad xpost

my cat thinks i'm a crazy person. sometimes i catch her giving me that look

cats give everyone that look

My mother once told me "don't flatter yourself into thinking everyone else thinks anything about you - they're all too busy worrying what you think of them", and it's true.

I am almost cavaleir in my dont care what people think attitude - until someone actually pulls me up on something, then I fall to bits. I hate criticism.

If you're gonna let your coworkers dress you, at least make it official with ballots and catalogs of your wardrobe and whatnot.

=) i think i'm going to wear a garbage bag to work tomorrow. i've always wanted to fashion one into a top somehow.

somehow I care what girls think about me.. it's really holding me back

derelicte styles xp

damn it wilter beat me to derelicte joek :(

Sumounter, there was a trashy 80s Australian "fashion" doyenne, who would wear garbage bags as dresses. I've completely forgotten her name for the moment.

the only opinions that matter to me are those of people i care about

the only opinions that matter to me :re me, i should say

Anyone who knows me well enough to have an opinion cannot be trusted.

i can't believe you think i'm that predictable

Well, you are kind of a caricature of a hyper-sensitive insecure fashion-obsessed horrible-culture-adoring pop-music-apologist gayboy. Not that I mean to be insulting by that or anything but, you totally know it's true.

My mother once told me "don't flatter yourself into thinking everyone else thinks anything about you - they're all too busy worrying what you think of them", and it's true.

Absolutely. Actually realizing and internalizing this has been one of the biggest lessons of my "adult" (i.e. post-moving out of hometown) life. It's so liberating to realize that you're actually on the same footing as everyone else, you don't have to prove yourself to them to any greater degree than they have to prove themselves to you. (Of course, I do care what people think, but I assume they don't think anything too wonderful or awful unless I have reason to believe otherwise.)

I need to learn that lesson.

I try not to care what people think but I certainly do.

Tis a hard one to keep forefront in yr mind but very worthy.

"interested but not invested" for me too.

If you don't care, I'd love to know what the fuck you're doing here?

I care but not that much. Not as much as you'd like to thin.

THINK ARGH!

If anybody else paid half as much attention to us as we do to ourselves, we'd get a restraining order.

-- Kerm, Monday, June 2, 2008 3:51 AM (8 hours ago) Bookmark Link

Wonderfully phrased.

Generally I don't care. I'm not the centre of the universe, so people aren't watching me any more than they're watching everyone else. And as Trayce and Kerm said upthread, no-one is watching me anywhere near half as much as they're watching themselves anyway. If people are talking about me behind my back, I don't care. In that situation, if someone doesn't have the guts to say it to my face, it's not worth considering. However if it's clear that everyone else in the room thinks I'm a dick, and they seem to be reasonable people, I'll think about it.

well of course everyone cares what people think. and anyone who says otherwise is only saying so because they care that you think that they are above caring what you think.

This.

I think the reason I'm largely unarsed is that I realised quite a while ago that I generally don't care about other people in the way that I'd be worried about them caring about me. If that makes sense.

I don't think it's a case of you thinking you're the centre of the universe, more of a case of simply just fitting in to society perhaps? Whether that society is the whole blummin human race or just a small click of friends. It varies.

xxp

reminds me of that Frasier episode, where the newspaper-stand guy admits to not liking him, and so of course Frasier spends the rest of the episode trying desperately to find out why - even though he doesn't know the guy from adam.

Isn't this basically social awareness?

I think to care about what other people think is a good thing. To a point. It can help us get to places and achieve things and make us better people. But then too much and it no longer helps but hinders, represses and curtails

^^^ Yes - I don't think "I'm going to do XYZ and I don't care what anyone else thinks". Neither will I think "I can't possibly do XYZ because everyone is watching aaarrrgghh paranoia and need for social conformity". Instead I'll think "I'm considering XYZ, but would it be a flat out dick move?", which I think is a reasonable middle ground.

Of course I care, but how much I care depends on how much I value that person's approval/good will. Frequently, the amount of concern for what people think is out-weighed by my own feelings or convictions, even sometimes when my loved ones disagree. It's probably part of what makes me a pain in the ass.

I don't like to be at odds with my roommates or my colleagues, because either just makes life too unpleasant, but everyone else besides my loved ones...well...probably not too bothered.

Well, you are kind of a caricature of a hyper-sensitive insecure fashion-obsessed horrible-culture-adoring pop-music-apologist gayboy. Not that I mean to be insulting by that or anything but, you totally know it's true.

-- libcrypt, Monday, June 2, 2008 4:58 AM (8 hours ago) Bookmark Link

::gasp:: here's the thing tho, is that i'm also a lot of other things. i know you don't believe it but it's true.

i also like a lot of things. i mean, i'm not only into the poppiest of pop bla bla bla. i think lately i've been discovering that sort of thing but in general my taste is varied.

YOU ONLY KNOW A CERTAIN SIDE OF ME HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME

=P

What I think about what other people think and how it ruins my life:

I just spent an almost entirely restless night (didn't sleep until 7am, woke up at 8:30am for work) because my temporary roommate (I'm subleasing a room in this place until August) was having loud and wild sex. FIVE DIFFERENT TIMES, in the room next to mine, clearly because the walls are so thin. The last words I remember hearing were "Look it's so light outside! ahahahahaha!". Bu yet, I never said anything, because I didn't want to appear to be uptight or something. DAMMIT the world is ruined. With only 1 1/2 hours of sleep my lens on the world gets dour as hell.

man, i'd tell them to quiet down. i'm kind of a bitch though. a frustrated one.

to some extent it's an important social mechanism, so it's not a totally bad thing.

I'd say it's an essential social mechanism, and the inability to care what other people think about you is mental illness. See also: that Rock Hardy post about taking pride in being an asshole.

I think I would be most comfortable in a world where others only cared about me or acknowledged me as an interesting individual with feelings and dreams and hopes and wishes, etc. to the extent to which I reciprocated the same, with no expectation of anything more than that which is reciprocated by both parties. Unfortunately, reality stubbornly remains unswayed.

Hmmmmmm. Directing my therapist towards this thread could really save me some money...

I have a desperate need to be liked and seek the other person's approval of me. I got it from my mom, I think, who has the small-town conservative mentality of not doing things that other people who disapprove of or consider "weird."

And what will your girlfriend say to you
And the people out on the street they might glare at you
And whaddaya know you're pretty self-conscious too

I got it from my mom, I think, who has the small-town conservative mentality of not doing things that other people who disapprove of or consider "weird."

Aha!! Yes, I know this well, and it made me even more determined prioritize my judgment over others'.

i have a desperate need for approval too. it's kind of crippling! i mean, i think i'm smart enough to dissect it now, but for years i've felt like i need others to approve of my lifestyle.

I'd say it's an essential social mechanism, and the inability to care what other people think about you is mental illness. See also: that Rock Hardy post about taking pride in being an asshole.

Nah, I disagree. There's a difference between taking pride in being an asshole and not particularly caring about whether you're perceived as an asshole. I'm generally respectful towards the average dude on the street, so he can think I'm an asshole all he wants and it's not going to affect me. By which I mean: there are any number of people I interact with in a relatively impersonal fashion on a day-to-day basis, and whose personal opinions of me don't concern me in the slightest. I would guess that the vast majority of those people would probably say that they don't perceive me as an asshole, but it doesn't really matter to me if they do or not.

On the other hand, it breaks my heart to think that anyone I care about thinks I'm an asshole. And I'm almost pathologically inclined to do what I can to be as non-assholish as possible towards them. And yet I could probably fill a room...

I feel like I'm digging a hole here.

Well sure! The difference is in how well you are able to put other people's opinions into a useful hierarchy. I just mean, you know, if you *literally* did not care what anyone else thought of you, you'd be sociopathic.

Maybe this'll help: I don't know that a lot of "assholes" wake up and say "I'm going to be a mean jerk today!" as much as "My priorities in this situation do not include humoring this or that person or making pretend nice just for the sake of peace and quiet" or whatever.

Ah Kenan beat me to it, basically.

Nobody I know seems to dislike me, so why worry?

I don't know that a lot of "assholes" wake up and say "I'm going to be a mean jerk today!" as much as "My priorities in this situation do not include humoring this or that person or making pretend nice just for the sake of peace and quiet" or whatever.

Yes, exactly. To the extent that I'm able, I try to be tactful with most people, and sensitive to their feelings. But tact takes a backseat when there are more important priorites involved. Like, I have no problem cutting you off in a business meeting if it's clear that you don't know what you're talking about and wasting everyone's time.

Conference of barbers?

I think that's it, ultimately: I don't have a lot of patience for jerks or willfully ignorant people. Those types are probably more inclined than most to think I'm an asshole, and from where they're standing they're probably right to think so. And I'm unaffected by their opinion of me.

x-post

"You obviously wouldn't know a fade if it bit you on the ass so sit down and STFU!!!"

A fade is hard to do.

^^ha, why Abbott rules

It's so liberating to realize that you're actually on the same footing as everyone else, you don't have to prove yourself to them to any greater degree than they have to prove themselves to you.

wow, yeah.

Historically I have been situated squarely in the "desperate need for approval" camp. It's so unhealthy, and doesn't do anyone any favors. I'm learning to ditch all that over time, though.

so a few weeks ago, i really, really wanted to do my makeup on the train. it's such a fun, efficient thing to do. but i just couldn't bring myself. i mean, can you imagine? businessmen and their wives giving me the look.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to do my makeup on the train, which is this incredibly unfulfilling situation.

i will touch up makeup on the train - lipstick, concealer or whatever. not a big deal.

you forgot to add btw im female

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJM7Oz3d76g

do it! do it.

the day i do it (if?), i will be very very proud!

yeah after you have seen someone take a shit on a train or whip it out and start stroking it, a little makeup isn't a big deal.

oh, "performance art"...

You wear makeup, Surmounter? Please explain. Just curious.

makeup on boyz

Makeup On Boys

i care a lot about this but hardly ever find out

yes, but I don't want to know

^^Haha.I knows.
Well none of us live in a vacuum so to an extent we must care about what others think but only so long as it is an opinion that is one we value and one we choose to listen to. Just because some minor aquaintance dislikes you or even a 'close' relative does then I'm still not sure you should give a fuck. Go about your business I say, you can't please all of the people all of the time.
It's so liberating to realize that you're actually on the same footing as everyone else, you don't have to prove yourself to them to any greater degree than they have to prove themselves to you
OTM
Also I've noticed that if people assume you are self assured its far easier to be it, I think you just fake it till you make it, its cheesy but it makes sense plus then you're surprised by the amount of people that think similarly or at least respect you more for not caring when they do care about others in an obsessive/unhealthy way.

I am anti-makeup on the train, but that's not just for boys! It's for everyone. To me, cosmetics are a gentle artifice that people tacitly agree to pretend is how you/we really look, and to apply them in public would be a let-down for me. I'm weird, though.

i've decided i'm ready to stop caring about this.

"Other people" come in a lot of flavors. If it's someone I know, love and respect I care one hell of a lot more what they think than if it's some random stranger or passing acquaintance.

Truth bombs can come from any direction and if it feels like the truth, one should at least give it some consideration, regardless of the source. Careful consideration is important in this situation, because what feels like the truth can sometimes just be the echo of a groundless fear laid in by an old hurt (i.e. "you'll never amount to anything").

i've decided i'm ready to stop caring about this.

― Surmounter, Sunday, January 25, 2009 4:37 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

haha

If you're gonna let your coworkers dress you, at least make it official with ballots and catalogs of your wardrobe and whatnot.

― Kerm, Monday, 2 June 2008 04:18 (7 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

best ilx advice

surm did u ever put yr makeup on while on the train

Years ago, when I was in my 20s, a bold and artistically daring older friend who has since passed on gave me what I often think was the best advice I have ever gotten. I was worrying what 'people would think' of a decision I had made, and she said, "Amanda, There is no audience."

— Amanda Fortini (@amandafortini) March 18, 2024

I don't get this attitude at all - at the end of the day, what else is there apart from what other people think of you? Even if you manage to restrict yourself to only caring about what your nearest and dearest think of you, that's just a smaller audience. If you try to not care what other people think of you then you end up trying to position yourself as your own audience. You can't escape the audience!

I read that advice in a totally different way - an artist, writer or creator should not waste energy trying to predict what the audience might think, as that is often a creative block.

The secret is to think about a really cool & discerning audience

at the end of the day, what else is there apart from what other people think of you?

I don't get this attitude at all

The “No audience” comment means “Stop being a sap and allowing yourself to be led by external rather than internal influences”. I.e. you’re the one that has to live with it, you’re the one that matters.

It is also true that ppl tend to think less about you either way than you'd think, often busy worrying more about what others think of them.

I've been careful to not wear the same shirt in every zoom meeting I do (so folks don't think I'm a gross shut-in), without ever noticing whatever anyone else is wearing

It is also true that ppl tend to think less about you either way than you'd think, often busy worrying more about what others think of them.

― Daniel_Rf, Friday, 22 March 2024 21:44 (four minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

I think this is true to some extent, but other people still make judgements about you for the brief moments that they are consciously aware of you, that they don't attach much importance to these judgements and usually forget about you shortly afterwards doesn't really help imo

like if someone's picture appears on twitter or somewhere and lots of people share their initial knee-jerk negative reaction - every person you interact with in your life is having reactions like than, most of them probably forget about you straight away, but there's still a way in which 'you' as a person are just the sum total of all the things other people think about you

there's still a way in which 'you' as a person are just the sum total of all the things other people think about you

sure, we are social animals, so our social existence is an important part of 'who we are', but that's just one of many important aspects to what makes you 'you'. at the end of the day, as you said, you really can't narrow it down to just that aspect. these brains of ours insist on some measure of autonomous existence, not just apart from others, but apart from everything else in the universe.

to me the point is that even though other people exist, what those people think of you can never really be totally known, and therefore your perception of what others think is always in some sense a partial, flawed, and non-realistic fiction.

i mean, how many times have you been totally wrong about somebody's opinion of you? humans are notoriously bad judges of this. i'm not saying it doesn't matter, or it's easy to not care, or that our actions don't have consequences. i'm just saying that we almost always forget how much of our reality is totally made up in our heads, and dispelling those fictions we create can be liberating. there is no audience: your friends and coworkers and acquaintances don't exist to constantly generate opinions about you. they're just living lives.

This board is full of published writers, I’m wondering if you all find as I have that the experience of putting stuff out into the world with your name on it on a regular basis helps with worrying too much about what people think. I’ve had thousands of bylines over the years, I don’t think I could really do this work if I worried too much what people thought of it. I mean, I listen to feedback, but it would be exhausting to think too much about it.

It's possible to be confident in one area, such as your writing, and nervous in another - such as appearance.

My mind was blown about 20 years ago, sitting in the atrium of a large multinational organisation and overhearing two people instantly and comprehensively appraising everyone who was coming through the entrance. The thoroughness of the assessment completely demolished any idea I might have that people 'don't notice really you' .

This board is full of published writers, I’m wondering if you all find as I have that the experience of putting stuff out into the world with your name on it on a regular basis helps with worrying too much about what people think. I’ve had thousands of bylines over the years, I don’t think I could really do this work if I worried too much what people thought of it. I mean, I listen to feedback, but it would be exhausting to think too much about it.

Yeah, I agree with this 100%. I've written so many articles, reviews, etc. that I literally can't remember them all (and haven't archived more than 5%, if that), and honestly it always freaks me out a little when other writers complain about negative reactions to their stuff. (This is something entirely different from the hate that flows toward female writers.) Like, unless you're the person paying me for the article, you can either say, "Hey, cool piece," and receive a thank you, or you can say literally anything else and I will disregard you and pretty much forget you exist within the hour.

The only IRL person whose opinion genuinely matters to me is my wife. Even my mom can fuck off if she's got a problem with anything I do, say, read, wear...