Exes

well, you should tell him exactly how you feel about this. then you'll talk about it, and hopefully agree on exactly what'll happen.

Anthony, have you ever heard of a therapist?

we have one. I thought this was a forum .

Exes are possibly an even more thorny patch of a relationship than dealing with family. From Paul's comments on other threads, you can see what we have to deal with. (except, luckily, all my horrible exes are safely on the other side of the Atlantic.) OK, let me just say, not *all* exes are bad. Of Paul's motley crew, at least one of them is actually an utter sweetheart.

But...

Anthony, what you need to do is sit down and figure out *why* he wants to see the ex, and why he specifically wants *you* to see the ex. I mean, if it turns out that David wants to rub in the ex's face how much better he's doing now, and what a wonderful relationship he has with you, then by all means, go, dress up in your best clothes, hold hands a lot, and spend a great deal of the dinner gazing adoringly at David. David will love you forever for it, and the ex will run away seething, never to trouble you again.

However, if it digs up any other sorts of problems, like he still has some unresolved issues with said Ex, then do not put yourself through the hell of going. Tell him that it is his past, and he really needs to face it and work through it on his own, without bringing you into it. Because that isn't fair to any of you. Tell him to go by himself, plan your own evening of fun without him, and don't wait up. A good relationship is based on trust anyway.

I don't think you need a therapist for problems like this.

Do you know this ex Anthony? If you don't like him at all as a person, why would you want to go out for the evening with him under any circumstances? If you have never actually met him then it seems overly defensive to refuse to do so. David is not with him any more, he is with you, so the ex is no longer really in a position to use him, convince him he cannot live without him etc. is he?

Maybe you do need a therapist after all, I have confused myself now.

I know him. He is pyscho. But we are going to the nicest restruant in Edmonton in our Tuxes and are not paying by visa. You were right Kate this is a piss in his mouth deal. Thanx, you are good.
Now lets mutate

With one or two notable exceptions, I wouldn't want to even see a photo of most of my exes, though I remain very good friends with one. Hmmmm... Just be careful - does David want to feel like he's being fought over, which is wrong and exploitative of you and his ex, or is he genuinely trying to a) patch things up and be friends or b) show his ex how happy he is now?

If you're meeting on neutral territory, I say go for it. But make sure David makes it up to you afterwards.

this reminds me of the southpark episode where saddam is back in hell, much to satan's horror. (not that I'm saying David's a new age vegie eating freak ok - just the ex visiting thing....ok?)

I think it is a case of look i am happy now. Which is good. I think we will make the ex pay for dinner.

Happily, no psycho exes. Indeed, some good friends still. :-) Can't offer up strategies here, Anthony, so I'll defer to the wisdom from Kate and all...

I like all my exes. And my exes exes. I'm a freak.

Friends with exes, apart from with one who has a VERY INSECURE GIRLFRIEND who made him dump all platonic female friends, even after we were all nice to her and did our best to include her socially. We miss him but are fond of saying we are going to go to Brighton Pier wearing black armbands (in mourning for his cool) to ceremonially lob a half- empty bottle of absinthe off the end.

Have on occasion felt annoyed with another ex who moans about current girlfriend/extracurricular 'sexploits' to me because any other friend would be allowed to say STOP CHEATING or SO DUMP THE DUMB BITCH THEN, but I'm not. Durrr...

I have two friends (both of whom are also Aquarius) who have managed to turn their fleet of exes into some kind of private army.

Anthony: David's trustworthy. If you have to go just talk about fabulousness of your life together and how all your/David's friends love each other. If this guy was really an asshole he would be frozen out of that society and will get the msg.

I like all my exes, because I only have one, and she's now my bestest friend.

He rode in like a rouge elephant. The first thing he did was call David at work and asked to stay at our place, Dave told him no, he spent 20 minutes trying to guilt saying things like yr not happy, , weèll have fun, really shitty things. He finally got desprate and called me a leach. David is senstive about this. He makes alot more tehn i do but i try to pay my share .I buy groceries and half the rent and some of the utillities. Eventully he bullied him down to Dinner. The last time this happened David was a wreck of neurosis for two weeks. This time he says Fuck Him , Living Well is the Best Revenge. So he tells me we are going. I argue a bit but he wants his comeuppnace. So i call his Ex back and tell him that we are going to have Dinner at The Hardware Grill. Which is the most expensive resturant in the city. We tell him he will be paying . Reservations on Tuesday. I know i am not going to lose him.

Anthony: This ex does indeed sound like a dud, you shouldn't worry about him in the slightest.

I am worried about him because he is good at pyschically destroying someone i love.

It sounds like the main reason you're going is to eat the "the best restaurant in town" (with a name like the "Hardware Grill" it doesn't sound so great but I digress), so why the hell not go by yourselves? You don't want to see this guy, you don't make it sound like your boyfriend wants to see him either (it makes him a neurotic wreck, etc.) so WHY ARE YOU GOING??? Sheesh!

If your boyfriend is afraid saying "no" will make this ex not be friends with him anymore, big f*cking deal! Are they good friends now to begin with? Doesn't sound like it. Having dinner with him just to gloat over how happy you are now is a poor reason anyway.

Anthony, your posts make you sound pretty upset over this, which is valid, but perhaps you're a little overwrought. If you want to put your foot down, then do it! Why be afraid of showing your feelings? Then forget about it. You'll see after a week (or whatever) has passed that all this is really very minor. Don't focus on it, and do something *nice* for yourself in the meantime.

anthony I want to see a picture of you

Gloating is not good ? *shrug*
Why do you want to see a picture mike ?

Hmmmmm... I'm Aquarius too. Is there a pattern to all this?

Well, yes. Due to the tendency of most people born under said sign to be a combo of Spock and eccentric mentalist some value is placed on the friendship aspect. F'instance I think if you're a Leo, you don't want to know about exes because you have relegated them to a role as Extra in your Film Of Life (and don't let me get started on control-freak, uniform-fetishing Scorpios). I could be generalising, but star signs ARE generalisations anyway, plus habits die hard when favourite grandfather was actual astrologer!

Oh, Paul - tell your current squeeze I've got the Nuggets CD case she's after. It did not blow off the roof.

I'm not a great believer in star signs, but all my boyfriends have been Sagittarians and all my best friends are Geminis.

She probably read that, but I'll tell her anyway.

I love star signs. Had an astrological chart done once which was incredibly accurate. It was quite scary. I don't think I'm particularly eccentric though, not really.