People who write columns for national newspapers detailing the latest incidents in their romance/sex life

Someone's upset at not being able to write up their fictional sex life in a national newspaper.

It would be awesome if they did this in the style of footballers' weekly "exclusive" columns.

I have a weird morbid fascination with all these fake Carrie Bradshaw type things. A friend of mine has slept with one of them without knowing about the column at the time, which caused much roffling in the pub.

It's even worse when their partner gets a column too. Makes Liz Jones' sex life harder to avoid.

I'm pretty sure I've never read a column like this

Knocking on the door to the luxury hotel suite that James had booked for our ménage-à-trois with his gorgeous rugby player friend, I felt horny, but slightly terrified. Having two men pleasuring me has always been one of my greatest fantasies, but with two men to worry about instead of one, my usual obsessive pre-date planning had gone into overdrive. In addition to my usual Hollywood wax and easily removable sexy little black dress, I found myself methodically scoping out my underwear.

The red teddy seemed too obvious, and my beige leather Agent Provocateur corset too fiddly. Would they expect me to play submissive damsel in distress, or should I break out the bullwhip?

We ordered room service, where I drank two Jack Daniels and a glass of champagne, which I hoped was enough to loosen my inhibitions without deadening everything below the waist.

They sat on either side of me on the sofa, and I started kissing James, then turning around to kiss the rugby player while James stroked my leg.

We moved to the bedroom and undressed each other. The rugby player had a stunning physique and was amazingly well endowed. So far, so fantastic as we kissed and fondled each other - until they started kissing for several minutes, and I started to feel like an extra pillow on the bed, rather than the primary object of desire. Maybe this fantasy should have stayed a fantasy? Or perhaps, rather than doing this with someone I'm dating, I should have stuck to the rule of threesomes: always the guest star, never the main attraction. In this case, I wasn't the centre of attention, and I didn't like it. I found myself craving one-on-one intimacy, not a sexual smorgasbord. I let them both head south, but when the condoms were produced I confessed that I was chickening out.

"Are you OK?" James asked."I know it's supposed to be the guy who gets jealous in this situation, but I'm getting a little weirded out," I told him.

"Do you want to leave?" he asked me. "No," I said, "I want to watch."

At first, watching them on the bed reminded me of a BBC wildlife documentary, but I soon started to get turned on. It was hot. But at the same time, I knew at that moment that things could never go to the next level with James, because this is not something I want to do with a serious boyfriend.

So I left the boys to it and went out to meet my friend Mark, whose house parties routinely erupt into orgies. Which is how an evening that began in such luxury ended with us scoffing chips at the Burger King in South Kensington.

"Threesomes are tough," he said, "but foursomes are a lot easier, because no one feels left out. Can't you bring a friend next time?"

I suppose that, this time, my own inhibitions got in the way of my ultimate fantasy, of having two men at the same time. But all things considered, Whoppers at midnight were a close second.

Can Suzy please confirm that Catherine Townsend is a parody as I strongly suspect?

What is it with these rugby players? Can they only have sex if one of their mates is in the room at the same time?

In addition to my usual Hollywood wax and easily removable sexy little black dress, I found myself methodically scoping out my underwear.

Read this as "scooping out my underwear" :(

Dom Passantino you would give both your balls to be in with a sniff of writing a column like this. Admit it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk58p1jeCCA

I know Catherine and she's real. She's got a great Southern accent too, from Georgia I think.

I've always been too shy to ask her how much of her column is made up though.

Burger King in GLOUCESTER ROAD morelike

lool at the narrative voice in that excerpt

So, I guess if you have one of these columns to write on a regular basis, you have to make yourself have these "adventures" if you want to have something to write about, right?

Or you could just spend half an hour reading slash on the net.

I just remembered that I managed to get my own xkcd-esque stick figures published in the end of year school magazine at the age of five.

Turned out that wanting something did make it real then?

I met Rachel Kramer Bussel at some Jew Quiz Show party thing at some Y once. I asked her why she writes about sex in newspapers and she told me a story about a piece of Monica Lewinsky slash-fic she had written. Apparently that had propelled her to fame. She seemed a little stand-offish and weird, not at all what you'd expect from a sex columnist. Then again, her Voice column was kinda stand-offish and weird too.

Stand-offish and weird is pretty much exactly what I'd expect.

In addition to my usual Hollywood wax and easily removable sexy little black dress, I found myself methodically scoping out my underwear.

Read this as "scooping out my underwear" :(

-- DJ Mencap, Thursday, July 10, 2008 6:13 AM (7 hours ago) Bookmark Link

irlolz