What do you do when a casual acquaintance's life goes to hell?

that's an awful story. If he wants to talk to you about it, he will. You're right not to overstep the mark by broaching the subject.

Exactly. Sometimes silence is the best gift.

If he has said nothing at work, if work has said nothing via a formal announcement, and he has not approached you about it specifically, then just keep doing what you are doing for now.

At most I would suggest a simple card of condolences left for him, perhaps one from yourself and others in the office. But even that I am not sure about, and if you're not sure about it, don't.

Doing him a few small favors might be all it takes to let him know, without discussion, that you know he's in a rough place and you're looking out for him. Not to sound Hallmarky, but: the little gift, the thoughtful gesture, just the simple stuff. The best thing anyone's ever done for me at a job is still the time someone knew I was having a rough day, was out getting coffee, and brought me back a drink and a cookie -- it lets you know that you don't have to discuss it, but people know things are bad and are thinking of you and looking out for you.

Nabisco (suprise) OTM -- and since you've been saying you're paying some careful attention already to helping him out with things, then that is a big step already. He will appreciate it, and remember it.

(xpost - I mean, this was a person I rarely talked to and had certainly never coordinated coffee runs or food-ordering with -- just someone keeping me in mind and doing an incredibly nice thing to make my day happier. And yes, like Ned says, it sounds like you already have the sensitivity to do everything you can to help his day go smoothly, work-wise, which is the bud of the same thing!)

Not a bad idea. Dude is our floor manager though, so his job is to stay busy and immersed in what's going on with the staff and the crowd. Harder to find a "little thing" that would be appropriate given what he's doing. I'll give it some thought.

I don't think it's anything you need to plan out. If his situation is always in your mind, and you're looking out for him and thinking about him, some opportunity will present itself to do something nice. You might not even realize you're doing something nice until after it happens, you know?

maybe just try to do a super good job, if you work under him. don't kiss ass or anything, just make sure he doesn't have to worry about you too.

When I worked at the radio station, the host of the afternoon show I produced lost his son in an accidental shooting. The host disappeared for a week and came back in an emotional return. The hard part was in the weeks and months afterward when the "novelty" (for lack of a better word) had worn off.

I just stayed business as usual with him, since that seemed to be his M.O. One night, my truck broke down and he gave me a ride home. In the light conversation we had in the ten-minute journey, we talked about how life's a funny place and you just have to deal with things even if you don't want to. The subject came about because of my broken down car, but you know.

My best friend's son was stillborn last year. Shortly afterward, his wife and him ran into an old friend who noted that his wife was skinny again. "Oh! You had the baby..." and my friend just hated so much that these people would be kicking themselves later. It's like he felt guilty for making people feel bad.

So be tactful, but don't walk on eggshells either. Don't feel bad for mentioning how funny Obama's daughters were onstage the other night or anything.

I don't know. It's a heavy subject that's different for everyone. Fuck if I know.

his two daughters died at the weekend, and he is in work????

I almost think he wouldn't want to be at home much.

yeah, I suppose, it's just that when people in my work's family have died they have been off work for ages.

There was a guy on the news recently who suffered a similar tragedy, and he was just like "I'm getting through it, but I'm never going inside my house again."

Sorry, I missed the detail about the man having lost all his family. I can see how in that kind of situation you might well use the routine of work as a way of getting through.

Back to the original question, if I were in your shoes, I would mumble something about being very sorry about his loss (you may already have done this) and then leave the ball in his court.

one of my professors at BU was from south america. he had a couple of masters degrees, was a civil engineer, was pretty well established there. then he moved to the US without knowing a lick of english, worked at burger king to make ends meet, and eventually worked his way up into owning his own global technology firm. total american dream stuff. he was an energetic and involved teacher to boot.

the summer after I graduated I heard his only kids, a teenage daughter and preteen son, were killed when she went off the road and hit a tree. made me think of all the times he mentioned them in class, how much of his world revolved around them. it's true, you have no idea what to say. ugh.

also had a coworker, sweet guy, whose 18 year old son died when he crashed his motorcycle and went headfirst into a fire hydrant. fuck RI with their lack of a helmet law.

also, how NOT to respond

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/Story?id=3872556

maybe not the best suggestion, but:

# What do you do when a casual acquaintance's life goes to hell? [Started by forksclovetofu, last updated 42 seconds ago] 18 new answers
# Holding hands [Started by ken c, last updated 1 minute ago] 78 new answers

also, how NOT to respond

Yeah, I've been following that. Some real scumfuckery going on. Clearly the photographs were part of established procedure, but forwarding them on? No sympathy for those fools.

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That's horrid, right to the bone.

it is crazy - I read another story that said the guy's a real estate agent and he got some email masquerading as a homegain.com lead. when he opened it there were the photos of his decapitated daughter and some lol message. f'kn sick.

Kinda puts some of the shenanigans in the manitoba bus thread in sperspective (unfortunately, really unfortunately)

I read another story that said the guy's a real estate agent and he got some email masquerading as a homegain.com lead. when he opened it there were the photos of his decapitated daughter and some lol message

this is so fucking disgusting. i kind of feel more horrified and depressed when i read shit like this (and that story last year about the myspace suicide girl bullied by her friend's parents), than about eg the manitoba decapitation one. w/the latter it's almost easier to put into perspective because it's so fucked-up that some sort of mental disorder is the only explanation; and, you know the dude will be incarcerated for the rest of his life. but cases like this, it's just a normal everyday person who's behaved like a massive cunt, has probably justified it to themselves, and i just can't fathom their actions at all. and thinking that there are so many fucking disgusting people out there to have forwarded the pictures around the internet? to the girl's parents?? seriously, this many people think that's ok? ughhh.

re the original qn i came here to basically say what nabisco said! silence prob is the best policy generally but acting like everything's the same and ok but might make the dude feel even more alone; a few favours, "how are you"s etc will at least let him know that people are thinking of him, and maybe that if he does need to talk they'll listen.

He's immersed himself at work since the accident and hasn't said a word about it and, not knowing how to respond, I'm just speaking gently and trying to be extra prompt and helpful.

Miss Manners (and her loyal follower, yrs truliest) would say this is the right thing to do.

Okay based on the comments here that is one news link I am NOT reading because I need to do stuff today that isn't crying & freaking out. I know my limits.

Wise.

Think about what poor Rick Astley's family is going to have to go through after he dies.

I disagree with the "let him ask" sentiment. He is in shock. Just saying "hey, I don't want to intrude or anything, but if you need anything at all, I'm here & I'm all ears" could be nice. When disaster strikes people lose the ability to know how to take care of themselves a lot of the time. Obviously it's a delicate thing, you don't say "hey, let's talk!" but letting him know you're available could be a nice thing for him.