The Republican’s New Plan

The Republican’s New Plan

In a far away land, long long ago, there was a political party who loved to manipulate their country, doing things that were in their selfish best interest and convincing people that it was for their own good.

This party loved fancy plans. They had a plan to leave no child behind, a plan to regulate air pollution, a plan to fence the border, and especially a plan to take care of the wealthiest in the nation – their base. They knew that they needed justification for their deeds, so they cloaked their actions in Christian writings, quoting the bible.

But one day the other party found someone to challenge their power – someone who excited the country at a grass roots level, someone who wanted to engage everyone in the political process. They were scared. They knew they had to come up with an even better fancy new plan to convince the country to keep them in power. Unfortunately, they had used up all their ideas in the last 2 elections when they had to lie and start a war to win the election.

What to do, what to do? The candidate, Mac, is meeting with his mentor Dubya to strategize.

“Don’t worry, Mac”, Dubya counsels. “I won twice when the people didn’t want me. You need to remember your friends in high places, that’s all.”

“Remember to spend the ‘political capital’ afterwards – reward the people who put you there. Put a logging company in charge of the national forests, a horse guy in charge of FEMA – it’s all about paying your debts. And most important, be sure the boys at Exxon get the pass-key to the executive washroom and wine cellar. We can’t stay here without them!

“But,” Mac said, “won’t the media get wise to this.”

“Hell, no!” Dubya asserts. “We’ll create a special new plan that only Patriots can understand. That way anyone that questions us we can ask where their flag lapel pin is and say they are not patriotic.

“Heck, we can even go to war with Iran if we need to keep them from asking too many questions. Remember, when the country is scared, Republicans win! Once you get ‘em scared keep it ‘code orange’”

Mac is concerned. “But I don’t agree with any of those things! I’m on record as having come out against all that. We’ve been mortgaging our future rather than investing in it.”

Dubya scolds, “You can’t get soft in this business Mac. My girls can’t balance a check book and won’t have to; they’re in the top ½ % that don’t pay taxes. All the people that matter will be just fine.

“Plus, the press will never bring out your record. We have them well under control between Fox Network and telling everyone how they can’t trust the Liberal Press. Just keep saying what The Dough Boy tells you to and everything will be just fine. Remember the Republican motto: say it long enough and loud enough and people will start to believe it. PT Barnum said it best ‘I never lost a dime underestimating the intelligence of the American Public.’ – or was it a nickel?

“Our doctrine is “attack anyone who makes faces at us”. We are God’s chosen and he created the entire world just for us. We need to thank Him for creating the Chinese to finance it for us.”

The Dough Boy enters with the special plan for Mac. “Don’t worry! You can be in charge no matter who the people vote for – just look at Florida and Ohio – we still have people in the right offices to make sure you win there, and that’s all that matters. I’m sure you remember how I made sure you lost the primaries 8 years ago? I have much more where that came from! Aren’t you glad to be on my team now?”

“Oh! Here’s the Guv now! Look at this fabulous plan. It’s specially created so that only patriots can see and understand it.”

“It’s wonderful! It’s the most fantastic plan I’ve even seen!” Guv says. “Can I put in some earmarks then tell people I said ‘thanks but no thanks’? This takes care of all the people who help us stay in power and the nation will love it.”

Mac is confused “how can you say that? You are on record as for the Bridge to Nowhere – you took the money! You say you’re a Hockey Mom, which you said is a bulldog with lipstick. You hired Sen Steven’s chief of staff to be a lobbyist for your town and get more than $27,000,000 – for a town of less than 10,000 people – and still left it over $20 Million in debt!

“The Dough Boy said I can’t win without you tho’ so we can only hope there are enough women in this country dumb enough to vote based on plumbing.”

Guv is not daunted. She doesn’t blink. She’s ready to be VP and knows there’s a good chance to be president. Let’s face it, Mac’s health isn’t the best.

“Mac” she says, “I’m a patriot – see my lapel pin? Once we win using this wonderful plan, we can put in right wing Supreme Court justices and make America a one party country the way God wanted it. My preacher laid hands on me and told me all my dreams would come true if I was a true believer.”

The Dough Boy starts to put together his special plan. It includes “Swift Boat” redone, charges of raising taxes, spreading confusion about Obama’s religion, flat out lying as necessary. He especially works on revising the history of Mac’s and Guv’s records.

It wouldn’t do to have people know the truth. Especially that Mac was against the tax cuts and called them “voodoo economics”. He was always a middle of the road party member until he decided to run for President. He was for abortion until he was against it, for a moderate judiciary until his party gave him a lobotomy and made him say that Thomas was his model. He was for responsible immigration reform, but the lobotomy fixed that, too.

Guv checks in several times and raves. She’s all about the special plan. She wants to makes it clear she’s a true believer – see her flag lapel pin?

Mac is worried. What if someone notices? The press could actually report the truth instead of the controversies. He knows he can’t see the plan but has no one to talk to about it. He certainly can’t admit to anyone he can’t understand it. He can’t be accused of not being patriotic! You can see the confusion on his face.

He decides to send someone from Fox News to check on the progress of the plan. Maybe they will be able to see it and explain it to him. They meet with the Dough Boy and don’t see a thing. But they know that if they aren’t patriots, they will be fired from Fox news. So they excitedly report on national news that the new plan is marvelous – the most wonderful patriotic thing they have ever heard! But of course, they offer no details, just assurances to the land that the people’s interests are paramount.

The Dough Boy works day and night. Everyone sees how busy he wis. He writes, he planns, he makes changes. Finally, The Dough Boy calls a meeting to present Mac and Guv with their new policies and plans. He asks what they thought about the rough-up he did and e-mailed. Guv fawns more – it was wonderful – she coos and blathers.

Mac looks confused, “E-mail? What’s that? If you sent it to my house, which one did you send it to? I have seven or so, I think.”

The Dough Boy resignedly starts to fill him in on the plan. He pretends to dress the candidates in their new plan. He smoothes out the creases, he picks imaginary lint. He shows them how they will walk out with their new plan just before Halloween. If they send it out too soon, the public might figure it out. Halloween is close enough to the election they can pull it off.

They will have a big parade and rally to show it all off. They decide how to announce it to the public that they have a great new plan that’s only visible to true believers.

Mac and Guv primp, twist and turn in front of the mirror, admiring their new plan. Everyone in the party eagerly cries, “Oh! What a magnificent plan!” tho’ none of them could see anything at all.

At last it’s time for the Rally to show off the plan to the country. Mac and the Guv get all dressed up in their new plan and prepare to walk on stage. The people in the party all tag along, cooing and gushing how beautiful the plan is and how the country will love it.

The people in the rally clapped their hands when they saw Mac and the Guv. “Oh, just look at the wonderful plan!” they all cried as the candidates walked out surrounded by their true record. Nobody wanted to admit that they couldn’t see the plan because they didn’t want to appear unpatriotic.

Suddenly a child called out “But this is no plan at all!”

“Did you hear that?” an old man asked. “The child is telling the truth!”

One person whispered to another, “The candidates have no plan! The party has no plan! Look! You can see their true record! You can see what they really stand for!”

Soon everyone is sending e-mails and blogging about the party who had no plan - especially young people want to turn the page and stop living silly fairy tales. Vote on Hope not Fear – Vote Obama/Biden 2008!

tldr btw