When do you think it's okay to not want to listen to someone's problems?

Besides when they're posted on ILE!

In the last week I've had this weird wave of dismissiveness towards two particular friends telling me their problems. I guess it's because I'm not in a great place myself and I find sometimes peoples problems bring me down a bit. My ex gf is upset about something and keeps turning to me to try and cheer her up, we are still friends but it puts a lot of pressure on me. I still feel mean when I think "please stop unloading this on me", I'd never say this obviously as I know she doesn't mean it.

Similarly my flatmate last week had some issue with a guy I know and it made being out very awkward, as he was there and I wanted to just chat and act normal but it was all this huge deal. I felt weird trying to offer advice as it was like by her asking me for advice I had to reveal more about myself than I actually wanted to.

If someone I'm friends with asks advice I feel I can be a good listener but I also get these instances where I just think "please just stop", I guess borne out of depression or something a bit.

How do you know when you as a friend should be helping someone or when they're wrong to ask? I guess I feel in both instances above "I don't tip my depression onto you so please don't do it to me". Maybe that's a repressed way to be...

What's your take on this? Are you good at listening to people and helping them?

(sorry that all my threads are so wanky and serious btw...not wanting to unload my problems on you ILE!)

actually I think the biggest part of this is the "not wanting to reveal more about myself". sometimes I just don't want a sensitive conversation!

I think it's fair if it's uncomfortably draining to listen. It's good to be kind and listen (I'm sure yr good at this Ronan), but sometimes that can turn into your role and that just gets to be more of an ordeal than a friendship. Esp if you're not always comfortable unloading on people (I'm not), and they seem to have no compunctions with it. The disconnect in some sort of personal values makes it more wearisome.

I guess I feel in both instances above "I don't tip my depression onto you so please don't do it to me".

Haha yeah, I think, and am sometimes tempted to say, 'sheesh, I found myself a therapist, why don't you?'

I think it's always fair not to listen to someone's problems. I actually have a drama-free zone in my circle of friends. People know it's not okay to complain to me, and I never complain to my friends. The one exception is when it comes to a Significant Other. Otherwise - no complaining. Ever.

Oh, and you're talking to your ex! That would make me real impatient (that is just me tho).

Yeah it's not a really bad breakup situation, but nor is it an ever get back together situation. I do feel like maybe she doesn't have anyone else to turn to, but sometimes I think her problems are silly and made worse by turning to someone instead of dealing herself.

I think it's fair enough if it's a significant other, definitely, you have to be there for each other. But for friends it's a bit strange. I don't know if it's true for everyone, but like I said I don't like feeling forced into a sensitive conversation when sometimes I'm in that "watching TV having a beer thinking 00000 thoughts" mode.

Ronan, you're under no obligation to be there for everyone 100% of the time. I'm guessing that people probably seek you out to talk because you're a good listener/good friend/good dude etc; obviously, there are times when that's really not the role you feel like playing. Similarly, it also puts pressure on you to be that listener: ie you could start to feel you have to be Ronan, Helpful Dude, at all times.

Bottom line: you don't. Do you find it difficult to extricate yourself from these situations?

Esp if you're not always comfortable unloading on people (I'm not), and they seem to have no compunctions with it.

i think this is very important! i get kind of stuck in a loop of 'clearly this person is willing to be open with me and i'm not trusting enough to be open with them and i feel somehow guilty about it' which sometimes flips into 'how does this person think it's appropriate to offload on me, i don't do it to them, have they no boundaries?'. I don't know, I think my friends know that I hate talking about my own feelings an'shit, and that I'm willing to listen to them talk, and they don't seem to make the same connection of the two that I do. But it means that sometimes you get trapped into the position of the listener, and the fact that you really don't want to reciprocate the telling-of-confidences makes you feel guilty and so more likely to keep listening and being understanding and being an unofficial therapist except they're even less likely to listen to any advice you give.

I think you can legitimately say "I'm sorry, I wish I could be more supportive but I'm feeling down myself and I need a little space/distraction" when that's how you feel. If you think the friend's problems are a lot worse than yours, though, they probably need you and it might be worth making the effort.

Personally, I can't listen to someone's problems when they want to tell me their worries about something that I'm particularly insecure about. E.g. "I'm afraid I might lose my job, so I'm saving all my disposable income and hoping it will be enough" when I'm unemployed and am living off of an order or two of magnitude less savings than the other person has. I just want to say "get over it, you're fine and you could afford to be more tactful," but instead I change the subject.

I don't think people seek me out that much, I must just be failing to send out my bad vibes to some!

I do find it sort of difficult to extricate, esp with ex gf cos even tho we're not together anymore I feel bad if she does and I know she doesn't do it manipulatively etc, I know she suffers from depression and has her own probs so it's hard.

As for flatmate she is not really in any way someone who would ask help a lot, but all of a sudden cos I know this guy I felt sucked into this world of someone fancying someone and acting slightly weird around them and by osmosis I had to act weird too around my friend, cos I know he's not interested anyway. I guess that's selfish but I feel really independent about my own social life even tho flatmates are really nice.

Personally, I can't listen to someone's problems when they want to tell me their worries about something that I'm particularly insecure about. E.g. "I'm afraid I might lose my job, so I'm saving all my disposable income and hoping it will be enough" when I'm unemployed and am living off of an order or two of magnitude less savings than the other person has. I just want to say "get over it, you're fine and you could afford to be more tactful," but instead I change the subject.

That's really true for me too Maria, with my flatmate I think I just felt "I am so crap at relationships lately that it makes me depressed to try and help someone else or to hear their sad story".

feeling this a bit lately...one of my close friends at work is quite insecure and tends to ring me when things are going badly or whatever. which is normally fine, except y'day called me 3 times during work, just to basically rant about rota issues over which I have no control, and one of the times to ask me to log her off and get her handbag and stuff cos she was too angry to go into the office.

i mean...wtf, i am really good friends with this person but am i right to think that kind of behaviour is just way out of line? i was trying to work and she had finished, and i was really busy. ringing 3 times in about 2 hours purely just to vent, and then topping it off by asking me to get her bag and stuff, which needless to say i didn't.

well done for not getting her bag bag and stuff - sounds pretty wack

You're good people Ronan, but you need to spell out "yesterday."

That wasn't professional behavior on her part at all though.

haha sorry...it's quicker.

this might be dickish, but I have two sets of friends: Acquaintances and family. most of my friends are acquaintance friends, with my romantic partner and best friend as my sole emotional support. I don't dump on my acquaintance-friends. and, unless some serious shit is going down, like a death in the immediate family, or a broken-up long term relationship, and I expect the same courtesy from them. I guess I want most of my friends to be more "activity partners" than anything else at this stage of my life. I don't have enough time in my day to deal with other people's problems - especially when they are recurring ones.