Burn out

I can't stop starting threads like this lately but I feel really bad at the moment and it's hard to talk things through with people IRL as I don't know as many over here in London.

I just feel really reclusive and burnt out in so many ways lately. I have stopped doing things I did regularly like blogging/writing about music and don't know when I can start again. Without this outlet I feel more miserable as I feel like I'm wasting ability or time. I just feel like I have no enthusiasm for anything right now.

I've been sulking in my flat, barely speaking to flatmates, feeling like anyone who suggests doing something is encroaching on my bad mood or like I can't hang out with them because I feel too negative. Somehow this seems tied into me not doing any writing or anything creative/useful as well. I don't worry about being unemployed as I think I can get a job soon.

I really want to do something creative or fun but music has always been the escape like this and now I feel burnt out on it I don't know what to do.

I just feel like I have nothing to say in writing about music that I haven't said already. I feel like I am part of a small scene of music critics and thus am responding to others and not saying anything new. I feel I have lost enthusiasm for the music, even though I can recognise that this is me, not necessarily the music.

I still feel I can write strongly but I don't know what to write about. If I try to move away from music I don't know where to start even though I feel I could write about other things.

On a general level I feel a lack of enthusiasm for life. I feel reluctant to speak to people and I feel like my only good/happy points involve social life/socialising and drinking/partying, which is just false.

With all this negativity and bad feeling I feel scared I'm not capable of being in a relationship/loving someone again. I know I can come through all of this but I don't know how. I want to try new things but I don't know what.

I feel I have flashes of creativity or ideas but have no idea what direction to channel them into. Haven't felt this bad in a long time, and the worst part is it seems like a sort of prison I've locked myself into, I don't know where to start escaping.

Apologies for such a grim thread but I know ILX is usually helpful for this stuff.

I think for a lot of people this is a by-product of unemployment, a lack of structure in the day and impetus to do things? You value free time and the things you do in it more when it isn't your entire life, that kind of thing.

This is true, except I also feel this is the logical end to months of vague feelings like this covered up by work.

get some exercise!

Ronan, you do expect an awful lot of yourself on no particular schedule. Have you thought about just taking a down-cycle and letting yourself off the hook for a bit? It seems like you should be able to er "give yourself permission" to NOT be striving for a bit. Even though the writing and the music are categories you've usually enjoyed, they're still creative output, they need you to have something to say. What if you just...stopped thinking you had to spend your emotional currency for a while? So to speak. Blargh that's terrible phrasing.

I find that I often cycle with the seasons, or according to good or bad stuff happening, but nothing that doesn't have its own time, and then something else takes its place.

Hahah or gbx otm!

ronan, have you ever meditated or done yoga? totally corny i know but it can be really useful--1 because it requires you to have some kind of schedule, like if nothing else you know that at 6 every day youre going to meditate for an hour and 2 because it actually (for me at least) really helps w/ the kind of depressive laziness/burnout feeling youre talking about

exercise can serve the same function... it sucks cause its winter but even just making yourself go take long walks can be really amazing for cheering you up and even inspiring creativity

Also, on the whole, maybe you could THINK less? A run or a pile of wood to chop or some other consuming physical chore is a grate diversion.

lots of xposts

i feel mostly the same way at the moment, Ronan, so i know what you are going through to an extent. I'm feeling quite isolated and yet, at the same time, i can't bring myself to go out and connect. at the same time any creative opportunities that i could pursue seem like huge barriers. for me it's probably fear of failure and that makes the horrible routine of staying in, not talking to anyone, sleeping a hell of a lot, using the internet and being depressed actually seem like a relative comfort compared to the "what if" of actually getting out there and making something work.

conversely there's a real fear, not of failure, but of success, since success brings about a lot of changes that could genuinely move your life forward into another stage with all the unknowns that come with that. sometimes the comfort of depression and routine is quite strong and hard to let go of.

this all possibly says a lot more about my situation and not much about yours, sorry.

i live on my own but probably the only actual small piece of advice i can give you is to be upfront with your housemates and say "i'm sorry for being so moody and irritated but it's because i feel this way..." - are you close enough to them that you could actually be open like that? if you like them at all you probably owe it to them to be honest about it since they are possibly irritated or confused by your actions. it's a good first step to try and break out of the cycle of depression and increasing resentment.

all the best.

yeah, when it comes to creativity i think it might help to do some cross-training, ie take a break from writing but exercise, read some books, go see some shows (maybe kinds of music that you don't normally see), etc.

jordan otm, when im having bad anxiety about my writing or whatever other creative stuff im doing, the most helpful thing to do is just go read, a lot--i feel like it should intimidate me but instead it always inspires me

some sort of volunteer work (where you get to meet and help different people)?

^^
not just a diversion; actually can be a nourishing, brain-reset-button-pushing experience

xposts following Laurel

for real going on long walks is like the best thing in the world, even when its cold outside

i dont know how yr doing $$$-wise but if i werent in debt i would totally take advantage of that feeling to go travelling and just live rather than worrying about being a journalist for your life (i know thats a reductive way to talk about creative expression but its kind of how i feel about it when im burnt out like that)

also exercise is great advice - gbx was talking about this in another thread but cold weather doesnt matter as much as you think it does, its below freezing here but i just went for a 3 mi run and i havent felt this good in months

there's something about distance running that is kinda yoga-ish in its ability to clear your mind too

im also unemployed right now and it really does fuck w/ your sense of centered-ness

I do think exercise might help, I just find it hard to get into a routine of it. In Dublin I went swimming a lot but I dislike the pools here, I went running 3 or 4 times in the last 2 weeks but I find it pretty full on.

I get that kick from exercise that people speak about here but I find it pretty hard to motivate myself due to health and stuff, I know I can, it's just finding the right routine so it becomes easy and natural, you all know how exercise is.

I really should think less yes, I just find it's not easy to let myself off the hook for doing nothing, I'm used to the daily demand of doing a blog and then other bits of writing. Since I stopped it feels like throwing away something I worked hard to create. But I don't actually want to do it again right now. I still find myself reading other things and thinking "I disagree with this" or "I could do better than this, why did I stop?", but this isn't motivation, it feels just like a symptom of a really small nichey music crit circle.

The irony is I can v easily let myself do nothing (too easily), I just feel bad/guilty about it when I do.

x-post to Jed, no it helps to read that. You're right about flatmates too, on Sunday I suggested we all went for dinner and tried to explain myself a bit...I feel like I'm a fungus growing in the living room...

I think the suggestions here are good, especially going to see different kinds of shows or theatre or something. I did consider doing some drama or something though this seems a bit further down the line than where I'm at.

I just feel really all over the place, like no fucking idea what I'm up to or what direction I'm going in.

Here's a curveball - what about learning to cook?

Start with simple ingredients and simple recipes, maybe get a few s/h cookbooks from the local charity shop, and gradually get into it.

This has the triple advantage of:
(a) filling up the dead hours;
(b) giving you something to do and follow which is separate and distinct from music;
(c) by cooking meals you've got something to attract your flatmates and other people back to you, get you connected again.

It worked for *ex-ilxor and my best mate* and it worked for me in similar situations so I reckon it's worth a try!

I was actually about to suggest cooking!

And I also feel bad cos it makes me feel negatively towards friends and stuff...like "please don't share your happiness or plans with me cos they just make me feel worse", though I never say this obviously.

x-post that's a really good idea Marcello, in fact one of the few things keeping me sane is that every day I try and cook something new, or cook something for flatmates also, this has kept me in some way happy from time to time. so maybe more cooking!

All those reasons Marcello lists for cooking are good, also: if you spend some time prepping up things to actually have later down the road -- soups, stews, stuff that can be frozen for a long time at a stretch -- then it's perfect for those moments where you just want to thaw out something quickly and eat.

this is one of the few areas unemployement has been good for, dinner is the highlight of the day and I've enjoyed cooking new things.

haha honestly any time im on the El here i see ads for culinary schools and its like "well, if im ever very unhappy w/ my direction i can always quit everything and become a cook."

Sounds to me like you're suffering from mild depression, Ronan. Flippant as it may seem, gbx's "get some exercise" suggestion is a very, very good one.

When I think about things that have been transformative and brain-clearing for me in the last few years, I get:

* Going to another part of the city for a summer cook-out around families with kids, making time to be with one of the kids as her tagalong Big Friend for the day. Her trust and her little hands pulling me along to go places, and her almost tangible desire to be near me and have my attention... I dunno, on that day it was really restorative. So simple to make someone so happy!

* Bike rides to new places, coming home tired and physically confident, capable-feeling and remembering the simple pleasure of a body that does what you tell it to, and more than you think it can.

* Going to a new place or neighborhood alone and being open to everything I see, people I would normally look past, pleasing only myself and keeping very quiet.

Ronan I've been working on a recipe site - it runs the gamut from Ed's yak-eye creations to my recipe for white rice. Small at the moment but hopefully growing to something more extensive:

http://www.elishasessions.com/pumpkin

i guess really the trick is doing simple, bodily things that force you off your ass, require you to concentrate, etc.

on some other thread i was talking about reading thoreau and how it made me feel better--i dont love everything he has to say in walden but theres something i love about the dignity w/ which he regards his life & the care and attention he pays to each and every simple task...

its different for everyone but when i start getting in this total-anxiety-overload let-me-just-stay-in-bed-and-watch-tv-all-day state the quickest and easiest way to rescue myself is to make sure im doing things like taking out the garbage, ironing and folding my laundry--making sure im taking care with those things and not doing them sloppily or hastily.

treating one's body & living space & especially one's TIME with respect and dignity (i.e. eating well, taking care of your hygiene, cleaning up after yourself, wasting away hours and hours... all stuff that i tend to do when i get anxious) goes a long way to making a person feel better i think

hi ronan - i absolutely know what you're talking about, from the last time i didn't have a day job, and even now it can get a bit like that sometimes - it's the nature of the beast, going a bit stir-crazy at times.

you absolutely must leave the house at least once a day - doesn't have to be for exercise per se (though obv that helps) but just a walk, or hop on a bus and wander round somewhere you don't know, or go to an art gallery, or just pop to the shops. once you start staying in it's a vicious spiral.

and think about all the crappy things about office jobs that you don't have to do at the moment - the commuting, the early mornings, the annoying colleagues.

if you don't have anything specific to do, embrace this - my worst moments are when i have too much to do, and i procrastinate too much then feel i can't go out or do something different until i've finished whatever it was in the first place. in comparison to that, having nothing to do is pretty relaxing.

i'm sure you know most of this already but it's definitely a question of learning to psychologically snap yourself out of it, easier said than done but not impossible.

are you free for a freelance power lunch tomorrow or thursday btw?

cooking is prob a v good suggestion but when i tried it, it made me feel worse :/

Wow, the cooking suggestion is a fantastic idea! I would also suggest just going out. I remember when I was depressed (and single), the only thing that would help was getting out. In regard to writing: I would stop writing for a while and not even thinking about (not doing it). It'll clear your mind and I'm deadsure the desire to write will come back.

its different for everyone but when i start getting in this total-anxiety-overload let-me-just-stay-in-bed-and-watch-tv-all-day state the quickest and easiest way to rescue myself is to make sure im doing things like taking out the garbage, ironing and folding my laundry--making sure im taking care with those things and not doing them sloppily or hastily.

Yeah, also some of the long-term stuff too -- you've been wanting to clean up a bunch of random things, clear out old books you'll never read again, etc.? Take the time to do that and get it done.

Going to galleries totally helps in these situations, a) it's usually free and b) you automatically feel like you've done something virtuous and productive and worthwhile with your day.

Also there's nothing wrong with taking a break from the things you're burning out out, even music. Is part of this a self-imposed pressure to keep going?

also might be good to take time off from drinking - when i get into a habit of drinking w/ some regularity it totally crushes my moods/motivations and i have to sorta detox

(if u are doing that)

or POT

there's nothing wrong with taking a break from the things you're burning out out, even music

Lord, yes. Did this back for most of 2003, honestly.

I think it's guaranteed that 100% of this feeling comes from having had a job in a semi-exciting environment and now not having it any more. It sucks to realize just how much one is at the mercy of these things.

when im on vacation or break or whatever my rule is always no trees b4 6pm cause otherwise i will get nothing done

drinking is so bad -- i cant believe all the famous authors & thinkers who would get sloshed and then be productive, once i start drinking im pretty useless that way

Going to another part of the city for a summer cook-out around families with kids, making time to be with one of the kids as her tagalong Big Friend for the day. Her trust and her little hands pulling me along to go places, and her almost tangible desire to be near me and have my attention... I dunno, on that day it was really restorative. So simple to make someone so happy!

This makes sense. About a month ago on one of my last days in my old job there were all these foreign exchange kids in seeing how a newsroom worked. They were all sent to sit at diff desks and I think I enjoyed talking to the two at my desk more than anyone in work for the previous six months.

Kids are good. Maybe I should go and see my nephew someday soon.

Max otm too, what's funny is I think because I have so much time I've done things like tidied my room hugely, which did feel amazing for a day or two, but now that's tidy, and I keep it tidy, things feel the same. I am tempted to start decorating it a bit but then this is the other trap of unemployment, spending money for entertainment value!

It feels extremely good to get so many good ideas and to talk about this, seriously, thanks everyone.

x-post to Lex I am, give me a text whichever day suits.

x-post also to Matt/deej, yes it's definitely self imposed pressure...it's weird with writing because I feel I'd actually like to be DJing more but more writing probably=more DJing, annoyingly.

And yeah drinking could definitely be scaled back, been having a beer or two with dinner most nights and going out at weekends.

I've done things like tidied my room hugely, which did feel amazing for a day or two, but now that's tidy, and I keep it tidy, things feel the same.

Vary it up a bit -- f'r instance, the other week due hosting some friends over for a get-together I moved around the furniture some in the apartment and it was like a completely new spot, so I've kept it there. Keeps things fresh!

drinking is so bad -- i cant believe all the famous authors & thinkers who would get sloshed and then be productive, once i start drinking im pretty useless that way

sometimes a beer or glass of wine can really help w/writing, esp if i've gotten myself into a stressed-out state, but seriously no more. but i'm not one of those people who drinks on a daily basis, i just binge drink when i go out.

i'll text u later ronan - provisionally tomorrow is best but that depends how much i get done today.

the other really important thing is turning off the internet btw but i am in no position to advise there

i wasn't being flip!

the other really important thing is turning off the internet btw but i am in no position to advise there

― lex pretend, Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:27 AM (16 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

the other really important thing is turning off the internet btw but i am in no position to advise there

― lex pretend, Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:27 AM (16 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

the other really important thing is turning off the internet btw but i am in no position to advise there

― lex pretend, Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:27 AM (16 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

tbomb

(jed, you should come to yoga! it's right at the end of our street, in the community centre. me and L go; it is very relaxing and does help my frame of mind)

Re:unemployment: I think the lack of structure is a secondary issue. I think the larger issue here is the feeling of lack of function/role. And then the writing/music takes on a larger role in providing that function - and then the feeling of obligation - I must do this. And then the socializing and the flatmates and the friends and the music and the going out are all rolled up into the same thing and where is the escape from the escape? How do you take a break from ALL this at once? Or how do you try and realign - even a little? (Cooking was a good suggestion here - small solutions are as valuable as 'large' solutions). Taking a break is a good idea but the problem here is that everything is all rolled in

There are lots of good suggestions above - but I think a new job is the big one here

as max said, I find yoga a big help with this, also as lex says turning off the internet/videogames is also a big help (again I'm in no position to advise)... exercise is brilliant too, if you can get into a weekly 5s game e.g. I tried running myself but yeah as you say it is full on, so I bought a bike and now I go out and about on it most days along the canal... but even just popping down the shops or out for a coffee can then feel like some sort of exercise...

also, not trying to impose or project here, it might be worth speaking with a doctor about the feelings you have - I did and it did help a bunch

wrt exercise, i'd definitely recommend joining some sort of organised class - i try to go running every 2/3 days or so but that can sometimes fall down the back of the sofa, but i rarely bail on weekly hip-hop dance class.

I felt like this for a while in 2007 Ronan, it'll pass. I think the main thing I did was address my diet (ie eating better food, more often), and not forcing the issue, if I felt like lying on my bed all afternoon, that's what I did. I do honestly think the change in diet was the best thing I did in 2007. You'll look back and think "That was weird". That's all I can really offer, hope you feel better soon.

No imposition Cozen, that's not a bad idea by any means, I guess I find the health service over here, though free, is v impersonal. I can't imagine going to my GP about it cos you're in and out in 3 minutes and it's a different doc each time unless you specify.

Thanks a lot Jel, I know diet is a factor sometimes, I do eat a certain amount of crap, though I guess I cook a lot as well. Could probably be eating much more fruit and stuff.

Could probably be eating much more fruit and stuff.

Always wise. (It's not feasible for everyone but I seriously think going the CSA/regular shareholding via local farms route was the smartest thing I did for myself in recent years.)

Re:unemployment: I think the lack of structure is a secondary issue. I think the larger issue here is the feeling of lack of function/role. And then the writing/music takes on a larger role in providing that function - and then the feeling of obligation - I must do this. And then the socializing and the flatmates and the friends and the music and the going out are all rolled up into the same thing and where is the escape from the escape? How do you take a break from ALL this at once? Or how do you try and realign - even a little? (Cooking was a good suggestion here - small solutions are as valuable as 'large' solutions). Taking a break is a good idea but the problem here is that everything is all rolled in

There are lots of good suggestions above - but I think a new job is the big one here

Really true...

Hey Ronan, if nothing else, try to remember these draining doldrums aren't permanent....the veil will be rent eventually.

One caution that comes to mind: It seems from yr descrip that you take most of yr sense of self from having something to say, if I may simplify a bit. Wouldn't another job be more of the same? Is it worth thinking about how you GOT to feel like that's what you "are"? Or do you feel that's something immutable about you? Maybe it is! In which case, yeah, have a nice dinner and go for a walk. :)

What if you can be just as much yrself without having to "broadcast" yourself to people around you in ways that take so much energy?

its different for everyone but when i start getting in this total-anxiety-overload let-me-just-stay-in-bed-and-watch-tv-all-day state the quickest and easiest way to rescue myself is to make sure im doing things like taking out the garbage, ironing and folding my laundry--making sure im taking care with those things and not doing them sloppily or hastily.

treating one's body & living space & especially one's TIME with respect and dignity (i.e. eating well, taking care of your hygiene, cleaning up after yourself, wasting away hours and hours... all stuff that i tend to do when i get anxious) goes a long way to making a person feel better i think

wow max this is exactly what I needed to hear right now. (heh heh Ronans I am stealing yr advices.)

Yeah Laurel I think the first sentence there is right. I don't know what I would do that isn't loosely based around writing or communicating, or some sort of variation of this. It need not involve me broadcasting myself though, I think I'd be very happy writing copy for advertising, provided I could be creative with it and use my own ideas.

I'm thinking quite practically at the moment about getting a job which it seems I'll like, and then maybe after that can hone things down.A new job won't be perfect and may bring problems of its own, but I guess it's hard for me to say too much on that because I feel I am still trying jobs/industries/offices for size and narrowing down general ideas about my career in the hope they might become more specific.

x-post "i'm in ur maudlin thread....stealing yer advices"

whatever you do, dont go into pr

yeah seriously I know the peril. I am only looking at jobs it seems I really want. I am in a good situation to get some potentially good jobs, but just have to see how it goes.

yeah im sure there are fun PR jobs out there but mine isnt very fun

yeah seriously I know the peril. I am only looking at jobs it seems I really want.

― Ronan, Tuesday, November 25, 2008 11:22 AM (45 seconds ago) Bookmark

totally where i am rite now -- its this weird yin-yang for me of feeling really super-confident and being freaked the fuck out that im gonna end up at another shitty office gig despite my best efforts

advice about being tidy is totally otm: how tidy my kitchen/room/apartment is is usually a fairly clear indicator of my mental health at the time. (note to self: the kitchen is disgusting right now!)

i am also stealing advice from this thread. namely: exercise more, eat better (haven't cooked enough lately), and quit drinking so goddam much

has this thread been a waste of time if I eat pizza tonight

not if you jog to the pizza place

what about looking for jobs that have nothing to do with yr interests/future goals? some of the best jobs i've ever had have been stop-gap "doing it for the money" don't-sweat-it gigs. they're usually easy, they impose structure (which is v necessary to me), and they're a nice way to get out of yr comfort zone. you don't have to be a fireman or something, but going for some low-hanging fruit and succeeding can be a nice kick in the pants.

u may get pizza if and only if u invite a friend and have fun

what about looking for jobs that have nothing to do with yr interests/future goals?

i sorta wish i was doing that--not really in the mood to have responsibility and have to be anxious about shit all the time because my job "matters" to my future goals--would rather just be kickin it at a bookstore even if it means less $$--and honestly im not even makin that much right now

honestly the more i exercise the less i eat unhealthy food regularly, and the more i enjoy unhealthy food the times that i do indulge

I going to be an art handler tomorrow

GET A JOB MAKING PIZZA

nb: a lot of these jobs involved extremely short hiring processes. like, a handshake and "come in on monday." skip corporate places with weeks-long hiring processes

oh, also, whoever said volunteering is massively otm. loads of ppl/organizations need just a little bit of help, and someone coming in for a couple hours a week to do scut can be way more useful than it might appear to the volunteer. doing nice things for other ppl does wonders for self-esteem

stopgap might be no harm, I have applied for some temping type jobs...

x-post volunteering is also a good idea...this is good.

One other thing to consider is that (unless you are in Australia/New Zealand) is simply that it is winter time. I was feeling a bit bummed-out over the weekend, and then my friend said "man, winter just makes me depressed," and it hit me, and my depression seemed to evaporate.

whoops - too many words there.

"easy" jobs i have had and loved: working at a tree nursery (pruning stuff all day in the sun, thinkin baout things), ski tech (tuning skis all night in a shack, thinkin baout things), bike messenger (riding bikes all day in the rain, etc). all of those eventually lost their luster, but the grind helped sort things out for me, mentally.

what are good stop-gap jobs in london-towne? h'm. BAKERY! (get up dead-early, bake stuff, yr free-time starts at around lunch, early to bed) PAINTER! (surely someone needs their house painted, right? i have done this, too, and it's easy and pays $$$$$) DOG-WALKER! (do they have these in england)

this thread has got me thinking about getting a job outside school (even tho yr not supposed to) just to get my mind off the grind

do you have a cat?

If yes, get rid of it now.

That shedding furry bastard will only bring you down (and wake you up).

No, no pets.

The exercise suggestion is ace, but it sounds like you need things to change, even if only for the sake of change. I mean, sometimes it works well just to exchange one set of problems for a whole new set.

There is a rather silly idea in feng shui that, if you need to change your life, you should relocate 35-40 items in your living space that you tend to engage with fairly often. As silly as this sounds, it isn't without merit. It would force your brain to rewire and in the process might jolt it into greater creativity.

Good luck.

I really like this idea of moving things, my problem is I don't think my room can fit the stuff in it in a different way. It's not that small it just is a funny shape, or my bed/chest of drawers/wardrobe/desk are funny shapes.

I have a real craving to buy a nice plant or even get some goldfish or something...

Erm, that's me, Ronan, as Local Garda there!

I just made a list of all the ideas on this thread and even that's making me feel better. Thanks a lot everyone.

yes, a lot of good ideas here which I need to try out, been totally out of it for a while now. necessary ones are always leave the house, turn off the internet and some exercise, but the last two are tough ones. cooking is good too, but failing at it hurts my self-esteem and can ruin the whole day...

Hi Ronan.

It seems like we're in somewhat similar mental places, even if the exact circumstances are different. I've also been suffering from lethargy, lack of enthusiasm, dreadful negativity & pessimism etc. I've also been avoiding social activities and the like, spending most of my nights in front of the TV with my laptop.

Some things that have helped me a bit--
-I stopped drinking, not permanently, but just while I get my shit together. It was hard to think seriously and critically about how to improve my life when I was drinking a six pack most nights.
-Writing my thoughts down and trying to make them coherent. When I can see the contradictions of my thoughts on paper, they become easier to resolve.
-Sleep can be a great healer (your brain does a lot of thinking while you sleep, which can be very therapeutic even subconciously) but don't let sleep take over your life. Get up before noon if you can.
-Three square meals. I used to skip breakfast, but now if I can I get a coffee and a pastry on the way to work and then some juice when I get here.
-Juice is good. Especially if you can find somewhere nearby that will freshly make you some kinda fancy juice thing full of vitamins and antioxidants. If not, maybe start taking a multivitamin, cuz I know when I get really depressed I don't eat properly (lol pizza and burgers.)
-Distract yourself at times when you can't be doing something constructive. If it's late at night and you're just sitting up feeling bummed out, watch a movie or some television on DVD. If i can keep my mind on some sort of "cheap" diversion, it's not going to wander to the things that make me upset.

Another thing I wanted to address:

With all this negativity and bad feeling I feel scared I'm not capable of being in a relationship/loving someone again. I know I can come through all of this but I don't know how. I want to try new things but I don't know what.

Hope things start looking up for you Ronan. E-mail if you ever want to talk about things.

Hey Ian, thanks a lot for that advice. Can relate to a lot of that....laptop in front of the TV just seems to be the default setting for this, 6/7 windows open and flicking channels.

Writing stuff down sounds really sensible, it's so weird how you can know what you're doing is negative and destructive but actually opening up seems impossible. Even when I was fucked with illness and couldn't go out and stuff I never felt so willfully bad as I have of late.

oops wrong login again...

Getting in late to this thread, but I want to second/third the suggestions on keeping your basic infrastructure intact... Wash the dishes, do a load or two of laundry, cook up something interesting - all of which play a big part of keeping the anxiety at bay.

One suggestion to add to this was something I discovered by accident when my hard drive crashed... Delete all the mp3s on your computer and start fresh (back them up first of course). I kicked myself out of a listening/mental rut by doing this and it felt kinda restorative.

Ronan, you're a terrible man for logging in wringly.

ronan, if you're still about i just messaged you on facebook.

hey ronan, can't remember which area you were interested in, but this came through today:

Job reference: 590408
Job title: Tutti 2nd Violin, BBC Concert Orchestra
Location: London
Find out more and apply online:
https://jobs.bbc.co.uk/fe/tpl_bbc01.asp?newms=jj&id=25639