Heartbreak

Logged out for this. Never felt so bad in my entire life. Any survival strategies? The most special relationship has just been dangled in front of me then taken away, I can't believe how awful I feel. I have no job, I had been depressed anyway, I don't want Christmas or to leave the house, I just feel horrendous. This all happened superfast and now I can never see the person again.

It took me a long time to get over my ex after a six year relationship. Even a year later, I was still dealing with issues related to the breakup. I started going to therapy because I honestly felt like I could not function, I'm not saying that is what you should do though. The best thing I can say is that you have to cut it off completely, even if you two are still on speaking terms. Do this for your benefit, then be really good to yourself, and understand it may take a long time but one day you'll wake up and realize you're fine.

Distance & time. No other way. And between here and there (wherever there is), things are probably gonna suck. FWIW, you've got my condolences.

stay strong, live well

the only way is to revel in it - be the pain - get wasted - get laid - cry yrself to sleep

unless yr a generally unstable person in which case plz ignore said advice

I was watching the 40 yr old Virgin the other day and I saw a lot of my old heartbreak self in the Paul Rudd character. There's really no way to avoid being that guy, you just have to live through it.

to tell the story, basically I was v good friends with someone in a relationship for the last 6 months or so, and happy with that, not thinking of anything more, when about 10 days ago she told me out of the blue she had feelings for me. From there all this dormant feeling I had for her suddenly was allowed to live and I realised how close we'd become and how good it could be. All of last week we talked online and by text and stuff, and it just got more and more out of control, like huge flirting and ridiculous conversations.

On Friday I saw her and it was even worse, any excuse to speak alone. Then on Saturday we got together, it just was impossible not to, but I still let her make the move as she was in the relationship. We slept together and the next day we went for breakfast and she told me she was going to go back home and tell her bf it was over.

On Sunday night she told me she'd changed her mind and decided to stay with him. I felt really awful. This basically meant I'd never see her again as well as us not being together. I contacted her y'day just to say I felt sick at the idea of never speaking again and she rang me. She'd changed her mind again. It seemed really positive but obv I wasn't banking on anything.

Today she sent me a giant email saying she was staying with bf, explaining how she'd felt for the last few months, really justifying her behaviour and making me not feel as messed around as I had. We went for tea for a few hours and it was the weirdest feelings I've ever had.

I felt so sad it wasn't working out and I know she was crying at the idea of never seeing me again, but we also were laughing. What should have been an intense and awkward situation was actually fun because of how well we get along. But she's made up her mind and I know now I just have to forget about it.

Her bf never wants her to speak to me again obv but she said to mail if I feel down/depressed. I just really need to discuss this in the neutral way ILX allows...I'll be okay, but so many fucking events in such a short space of time. It felt so close to something really special.

winter really brings out these threads huh

first few weeks are always hard especially if youre unemployed and have nothing to do. go on walks! long walks. make sure youre doing the dishes, cleaning up after yourself, folding your laundry. leave the house at least twice a day even if its just to go to the grocery store. buy a lot of books and read them, rent a lot of complete seasons of tv shows and watch them. whatever creative hobbies you have, writing or painting or whatever, nows the time to do more of them. cook as many meals as possible. if you have a good relationship with your mom, call her.

make sure youre respecting yourself, and your body, and especially the time you spend and the way you spend it. dont spend time trying to get over it, that just happens, later. be honest with yourself about how youre feeling and dont force yourself to feel one way if you really dont--on the other hand dont let yourself off easy.

seriously tho, take long walks.

xxp ok i thought you just broke up w/ your gf of five years or something--how old are you? w/out diminishing the depth of how youre feeling--youll get over this a lot faster than you think.

youre freaking out cause you just had a 2-week emotional rollercoaster ride, give it another 2 weeks and youll feel a lot difftly

no such thing as "the one", keep plugging away good sir

Getting actual physical distance is good advice - if you can go away to see people over the Christmas period, people who have nothing to do with this, then do so. You'll feel shit, but feeling shit in a different place, without being surrounded by things that remind you of that person, will help you get space.

Leave the house as much as possible, whatever you say, Christmas is good for that thing. Take refuge in social contact with unconnected people, stupid frivolous conversation, anything that will take your mind off it. You'll feel better for a couple of hours and will probably go back to feeling crap again, but do it enough and those periods will get longer.

The next few weeks or months will probably be shit, but try and avoid the impulse to get pointlessly hammered and wallow in it. The best way through is always to concentrate on making them as bearable as possible.

You never know, it might not take as long as you think to get over - short sharp shocks not lasting as long and all that. (xpost - Max has got it)

the only way is to revel in it - be the pain - get wasted - get laid - cry yrself to sleep

this is how I feel...is this healthy/unhealthy? I just want to destroy things (like my liver, without say, drinking in the day) and be a jerk and cynical and go out all weekend and then come home and feel shit and not speak to people.

it doesn't seem a textbook way of dealing though

x-post max maybe you're right, and I hear you on the age thing, but I am 25. I thought this kind of crazy feeling stopped at 17 too but it doesn't. I know it's one of these rollercoaster things, but I feel worse now than I did after ending a 2 and a half year relationship last year. Maybe it's a case of a shorter sharper shock though, let's hope so.

it just feels so hard to pull myself out of this, I know it's tied into other bad stuff going on like no job etc but it also would have made that bad stuff go away.

ok now i feel bad for encouraging ridiculous behavior

you just gotta wait, buddy.

x-post don't worry I kinda got the joke, "be the pain". just funny cos it is actually how I fucking feel, like I need to just I dunno, make myself worse to feel better. I know this isn't right and I will avoid as much as possible.

I'd say listen to Matt DC.

seriously tho its is an amazing opportunity to experience yr own heart - theres a certain cutting though frivolity - to the extent possible just feel the intensity w/o developing too many theories abt what happened or what couldve been or how yr going to correct it

in that sense be the pain def

^^^ this. Emotions, like feelings, are there to tell you something about yourself. Don't smother them up, listen to them, try and work out what they're telling you about yourself. It's okay to feel insular and moody sometimes, as long as you let yourself "enjoy" those feelings without being guilty about it. I've discovered relatively late in life I can still be civil to people without wanting to be number 1 party jester all the bleeding time.

lol I was number 1 party gesture as we met just now for the goodbye oscar scene

jester even, number 1 party gesture?? (sat night fever pose)

I think the idea that not being sad or bereft or melancholy is the regular state of health to be returned to asap at all times is a bit one-sided.

meet someone else

thats worthless advice, i know, but you can't say it wouldn't help

"fucking the pain away" is generally not an effective strategy unless you don't feel any emptiness at all after such encounters, which most people in my experience usually do after emotionally devastating/destabilizing periods in their lives

fucking the pain away can sometimes give u valuable perspective on the situation

sometimes u realize youre making a bigger deal out of it than it really is

but only people who are pro at fucking are good at fucking the pain away in the first place, theoretically....if you have self-esteem issues or feel conscious abt the state of your game, now is not a good time to try & score when you could get rejected, know what i mean?

but maybe coal scuttle now meaningless is a true stallion. if so play on playah

no stallion here...

pro-fucking?

actually, could i be blunt? i just re-read your situation and it seems like there are some good "life-lessons" here (i'm cringing at using that phrase myself, sorry):

1) do not ever sleep with another person who's still in a relationship if you have emotional feelings for them, with the expectation that they're going to leave it - you're just giving them total control of your heart, and taking a giant risk...and that too on a person that you objectively know is at least capable of deceiving/betraying a loved one (even if it's just on a temp. basis, and yes relationships are obv. complicated, and this is all simplified, but generally speaking this is not smart)

2) stop telling yourself you lost the love of your life or whatever. you may have had deeply suppressed feelings for this person, but they were never even an option until they presented themselves as such to you - and it's only been ten days. just take a big step back...

people - outside of indie movies - do not fall in "love" in ten days.

3) accept your emotions but remember that this person never even truly reciprocated your feelings. they were just testing things. are they worth this much angst?

i feel for yu tho, basically you are in the emotional situation of "the Other Woman" who's been waiting for the man she's affairing with to leave his wife - but we all know that never (read: rarely) happens, and besides that plays out over years and this was just two weeks. exhale - it's all going to be okay ;)

Thanks for the advice though I disagree on 2/3.

It definitely wasn't "love" yeah, I agree with that. Love takes time and trust and an actual relationship, but it was a serious closeness that's hard to find, combined with the romantic spark that takes things beyond friendship. I only didn't consider it because I felt the person was v v off limits.

And as for 3. I am pretty sure this person did have feelings for me, I know she hurt me but she outlined in great detail how she's had feelings for me for months, how she hasn't been able to stop thinking about something happening, lots of more personal stuff and reasons why she liked me that made me feel pretty amazing even as part of a heartbreak. For me she's worth angst cos she really really gets me, I never knew this so much until we had an open conversation about this as more than friends. Plus she cried quite a lot when we said goodbye today, I can't indict her for treating me badly cos I actually believe she was confused and didn't intend to do it. And that's not out of wide eyed craziness either imo.

x-post I mean I guess all I'd say is it's prob more likely for the person to leave their partner in a short space of time than a long one, is it not? I wasn't being screwed around for months or strung along.

that'll come later...

haha...nah, it's a cut off now. nothing from here on. plus btw I know one of those girls/people who screws with guys minds like this and yanks them around the place and I know she's not one of these.

sorry. im bitter and cynical!

okay,i see your point but all i meant with my #3 was: you're better than this shit. whether it was a few days or many months, this person's indecision affected you, and despite all her regret she transgressed her own relationship to "test," things with you, which hurt both of you in the end. i'm not saying she wasn't genuine, but ultimately, your intentions (if not feelings) are not reciprocated. and now it's just time to accept things and look elsewhere where they will be reciprocated...

seriously tho, take long walks.

^^^

I feel like walking keeps me thinking about it, but less than sitting on my ass I guess.

max & matt got it sussed, i think. but be prepared to feel less generously towards this person as time goes on. that can be part of the survival mechanism too.

yeah of course I guess. I could be annoyed at her but what's the point. She behaved badly but she was genuinely confused and as I say she's not one of those people who does this out of habit.

The idea of never speaking again seemed so fucking hard, for her too, but that said when we tried working out some time it might be okay to try and be friends again, like say "in a few months" the first thing I could think to say was "time passes, who knows".

you could always try to win her right

duel it out

thought about trying to fight for it, with my mind rather than fists, but it feels she's made up her mind at least for now. I'm not going to pine or expect her to change it, as far as I can avoid, even though I suppose it's possible she could. can't be that secure a relationship anymore.

when we tried working out some time it might be okay to try and be friends again

this always seems like a good idea, but for the love of christ i dunno why (and i've been there myself).

in this case it just felt like one of the hardest parts of all this is the thought of never seeing each other again, except perhaps by accident or whatever. I know she felt the same way.

Vichitravirya_XI, I'm with you for the most part, but

people - outside of indie movies - do not fall in "love" in ten days.

whaaa? really?

yeah vic is right

Dang, I had read that as "these days". Carry on!

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/7/2008/02/head-in-hands.jpg

haha

so forget my a) up above in the previous post, because you don't want to hold out hope for this one. it's better for your sanity.

it's just sort of tricky really, I think she was good news for me but I don't judge her for acting the way she did because as people I feel that we were just good for each other. I think all the drama and craziness came from real feelings but badly acted on maybe. I think people can act pretty crazily in this scenario without it reflecting on their regular personality.

As I say I acted like an asshole because I cared for her and wanted to be with her, does that mean I'm an asshole 24/7?

i dont think either of you are horrible people but i think in any relationship once you let someone step over a certain line by being okay with it they kind of have permission to do it again.

yep was just saying this to flatmate...not sure how they can stay together and it it was me and this happened I think I'd want to break up. on the other hand it's a v long relationship, maybe it's a sign of strength that they haven't.

http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/2/look_2.gif

my heart was never in one piece in the first place!

putting all your eggs in one basketcase

A++ gear

what is the point of feeling anything again?
:) :) :) :)

I guess I yearn to experience those kinds of feelings again, because that's when you're really alive

OK wtf is this nonsense.

shouldve just asked mandee in the 1st place - thread all set up and everything

listen dude, you and this chick never had anything special... all you basically did was propel her into her boyfriend's arms. sorry dude but you got played. man up and move on.

done.

hope this helps,
homo

not sure how they can stay together and it it was me and this happened I think I'd want to break up. on the other hand it's a v long relationship, maybe it's a sign of strength that they haven't.

― Coal Scuttle Now Meaningless

probably a sign that the whole situation was more about her being vaguely dissatisfied with him rather than totally drawn to you.

but at least he hit it, right mandee?

really what happened here is this poor boyfriend got totally played and let his chick sleep with some other dude and then took her back, i want him to post on this thread

yeah thats why they both need to ditch her and play some xbox

the bf is a chump, but nonetheless on the sympathy scale it's bf>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>coal>flakey cheater chick

someone come up with a joke about playing with his ex's box

yeah chump or no chump that really sucks for him

ha i think you just did

xp

we need tuomas on here to tell us how many other dude's gf's he's nailed.

my advice to that dude: go out with your buds, get drunk, pick up some chicks, egg your girlfriends house and set fire to a bag of dogshit in front of coals house, and then PEACE OUT of that town and join the peace corps

I can't help but feel people are so keen on "tough love" here that they're actually just assuming that the toughest possible scenario is true. I mean fair enough, I asked for advice anonymously but maybe she's not a terrible person and maybe I'm not a moron! Of course her having feelings for me started with being dissatisfied with him, but it wasn't particularly vague. She explained at length to me how she liked me the minute she met me and then when we became friends she gradually began talking to me about important stuff, or even just interesting stuff. She said she started thinking about things I liked and told her about and couldn't stop thinking about me.

Sure, in the end I served as a vehicle for her to realise how fucked their relationship was, and then when she realised this they had a major heart to heart and felt they were able to fix it.

I believe her when she says she felt at one point that it was beyond repair, but when it came to the crunch she flaked out on me. It's so obvious she has real feelings for me for so many reasons, so whatever, I don't have to hate her or think "oh I got served" or whatever just to "man up".

What a load of shit, being a man is just as much about having the brains/heart to move on in a positive way, not beat myself up about it or pretend that the most cynical/angry point of view is going to do me good or something. For me this is over but if circumstances were diff I'd be seeing this girl. They aren't so I won't be speaking to her for the foreseeable.

x-post it doesn't suck that much, he got the girl!

anyway yeah I don't know why I'm dissecting it all, I know you're all just having a laugh and I'd probably be just as flippant.

ya bro basically you boned some chick who you were sort of into and youll get over it in like a month, this dude may be stuck for the rest of his life with a girl who fucked some other guy

I could let myself be annoyed but what's the fucking point you know

Anger isn't entirely pointless in these situations. You're in a position where you've been hurt by someone who two or three days ago was on a pedestal - that weird combination of close friend and potential girlfriend and projected fantasy persona. I'm not going to be as judgemental here as other people on the thread but I think part of your attitude is because she's still partly on that pedestal - I understand that reluctance to pin any real blame on her because I've felt that reluctance myself in the past. Maybe I'm projecting a bit here myself, and maybe there was indeed a lot of truth in what she wrote to you, but I'd guess there's a hefty element of the other in there. People go through this all the time.

But it's okay to be angry! Anger is the start of the realism seeping in, it's not entirely negative, it's only on the other side of the angry bit that you'll get a proper sense of perspective.

what's the big deal? does this chick have the limited edition golden xbox or something?

lol, limited edition golden box

sorry, but it's easier to get over things once you've moved on from sad to angry, so just trying to move you along to the next stage

basically what it comes down to is that she wasn't willing to gamble everything for you and you should be pissed.

yeah dude, it sucks for him that he "got the girl" because she's a totally untrustworthy, weak, and indecisive chick to be saddled with. and being a man is to not fuck this girl who has been with someone (a dude you know!) for five years and then pining over her when (shock!) you get burned.

Dude! give it some time, get a little perspective on the situation and you’ll get over her. or maybe you never will because she was the ONE

as a total romantic myself IRL, no fooling, i can say this "tough love" is only because i think some people have unrealistic, almost cinematic notions of how certain types of shit is gonna play out and they need to recognize that they are unrealistic and maybe even destructive

"sorry, but it's easier to get over things once you've moved on from sad to angry, so just trying to move you along to the next stage"

This is true, but sometimes it is difficult to feel anger, even when it's appropriate.

what's his/her feeling on an open relationship?

i'm angry at you fuckers if that's healthy...

not really...yeah I don't see the benefit of anger and maybe I'm keeping her on a pedestal, but I dunno, it feels a pretty unique version of this kind of situation, I don't think I'm going to go to the angry stage.

x-post to mandee yeah I am pissed she wasn't willing to gamble everything for me. but I don't feel vindictive about this. no. i'm a little pissed she started the whole thing by telling me she really liked me when if she'd kept it quiet it MAY have stopped any of this ever happening, I'd never have seriously considered breaking the boundaries of friendship.

x-x-post omar I just disagree and I'm not sure why you're so aggressive on this. I think they could end up being pretty happy together now to be honest. indecision is not a permanent personality trait. plus you know, it really came close to playing out as I wanted it to, I don't think I was naive for this as I remember the choices I made. Perhaps a bit but yeah, don't see much value in attacking someone for being a bit silly about someone he really liked.

ppl are keen on tough love because when you don't personally know anyone involved it is easy to be all rational. It shouldn't be about why you feel bad but the fact that you do. All the advice for coping--getting outside, keeping busy, hanging out w/friends, letting the pain out through whatever channels you prefer--is what you have to go with.

basically my advice boils down to "don't ever get involved with people who are involved"

basically what it comes down to is that she wasn't willing to gamble everything for you and you should be pissed.

^^^

I have been a situation that had some similarities that you describe and basically what Mandee says is completely true. I know how you feel and how easily it is to get swept up in the romance of it all etc. but in time you'll get past that and realize she was really just being a jerk and never had any intention of leaving her boyfriend for you at all. It'll be really interesting to see how you feel about the whole thing in a couple months time. FWIW, I'm sorry that you are in this position. It's a really shitty one to be in.

it feels a pretty unique version of this kind of situation

not sure if this helps but i have totally made this kind of assumption every time i've been heartbroken, and in hindsight it's never true. if possible, it's probably better to avoid putting this relationship on a pedestal at all costs.

this probably feels like the worst thing ever right now, but looking back on it, it won't even seem that big a deal, guaranteed.

also this won't help you now, but in the future, as someone mentioned above, avoid seeing people who are 'involved'. you can't trust 'em. when they're interested in you they'll make out you're the only one they care about, and part of that is them actively suppressing the feelings they have for their other half, which only come out when they're back in the presence of that person. they're in denial, basically. sorry if this seems like cod-psychology or whatever but it's my attempt to help

WORK
like you don't need the money
DANCE
like no one is watching
LOVE
like you've never been hurt

Wisdom from the wall of Jimmy Johns.

if i worked like i didnt need the money i wouldn't work

Love is like an onion, you peel back layer after stinking layer until you're just crying over the sink.

this is why they put "bros before hoes" in the constitution of the united states

i feel like im getting a window into how people who go straight from one relationship to another operate

yah, seems she maneuvered herself into a win-win: bf tosses her out, coal catches her. otherwise, what did happen happens. in either situation she ends in a relationship (and likely with more 'power' within it), a 'win' in what i am liberally projecting as her mentality

http://i2.iofferphoto.com/img/item/324/227/21/Ricki_Lake_OK_10-29-07.jpg

Here is some tougher love: if you knew her boyf as well, and STILL went there, you're no genius.

I think MDC is OTM about all of this: NEVER get involved with someone who is in a relationship with someone else and stop trying to rationalize her into being a nice person. WASTE. OF. TIME.

Agreed. Been there, wish I hadnt been such an idiot, waste of time, end of story.

So it appears to be over. Five months of back & forth, emails, texts, talks, have come to an end. There is to be no reconciliation, and I'm officially single now. Nine years of what was essentially a long-distance relationship (well, 35 miles away). I'm really, really sad but have no regrets. There's talk of something way in the future, but I know that's just talk and I can't count on that right now. There was no big fight, no infidelity.. just people growing apart. One who keeps tearing around, and one who can't move, so to speak.

I know I'll get over this, as I have gotten over similar breakups in the past. But right now things are pretty raw. (An attractive ex has been texting and definitely conveying interest, but I don't think that's a good idea.) I saw somewhere up-thread that "time + distance" is the only thing that really works... we shall see. Ugh.

sorry buddy ... having no regrets is a good foundation for moving on. <3

thank you sarahell... the last five months have been hard but I kept the hope alive that we would eventually work things out - we even looked into counseling; but alas, on Saturday she told me that it was probably best if I stop thinking that way. I'm crushed but it's pretty simple just to walk away. I have to pick up a few things stored in her garage and that's about it.
At least now I can properly grieve, but it will take some time to heal.