"I'm sorry sir it's here to stay. It's the WAY OF THE FUTURE!"

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or: Hoist On My Own ’tard Petard!

Voice recognition quizzes on rail booking lines: DUD OR DUD!! The questions they ask you can't answer (because you're ringing up to FIND OUT THE fckn ANSWERS), if you pause or say "don't know" or cough in tubercular fashion or say "grrr fuck you robotwoman!", they just ask the question again, then when you get through the actual real flesh-and-bloodster, they are EVIL SPAMBOTS IN DISGUISE! ie you have to know the special keychain password blether to get them to sell you a ticket at a humanoid as opposed to a 12-ft-lizard price!!

― mark s, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

but i did it yay!! and then i rang up customer complaints and she told me the secret code to sidestep the evil quiz: viz when the questions starts press "*" twice quickly, then when she says press "*" again, then *again", then "1", then "3" (all quite slowly). It's like BRAZIL or THE NET or something!!

actually i ph34r trying this out now, in case when i do masked soldiers burst into the office and haul us all away.

― mark s, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I hate those. The bank told me how to sidestep The Automaton on their voice-activated system so I do so.

― suzy, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I find the machine more knowledgable and better behaved nine times out of ten. Fuck this fear of the future when we have tellers who behave like automans otherwise. The quiz might be different though.

― anthony, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I love automated telephone services. I think it's the security of knowing that they are not going to surprise you in any way or, for that matter, judge your phone manner/secretly resent you wasting their fucking time with inane questions. You might gather from this that I am severely phobic of talking to real people.

― Archel, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I agree, I hate actually asking anything remotely awkward. I always imagine the person on the other end of the line thinking "YOU IDIOT!". Of course this may be because I worked on one of these phoneline things the last two summers and I often thought "YOU IDIOT!"

― Ronan, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I always feel like my queries are always really boringly mundane ("Hello, Natwest Card Loss Center, how can I help you?" "I've lost my card") and I should come up with a more interesting. I'd love everything to be automated. The worst thing about those menu things that make you best describe your problem is that you still have to say what the problem is.

― Graham, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

What Graham said reminds me of the inanity of calling up to order a takeaway e.g. 'hello Pizza Extra' 'yes I'd like to order a pizza', well of course that's what I want to do, why else would I be calling, why can't we lose all these daft social niceties and just say 'SEND ME PIZZA NOW'.

― Emma, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I think phone menus are great - mostly because I am one (I recorded the menus at my place of work) and it means I don't get too many irrelevant calls (except for *really* thick people who can't understand a simple instruction like "press 1 followed by the # key").

― robster, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

*really* thick people who can't understand a simple instruction like "press 1 followed by the # key

Oh come off it. "press 1 followed by # key, that will lead you to another bloody menu and then another, and so on and so on, all the time you are paying for this phone call"

"Oh, and as often as not, you'll wind up on permanent hold, listening to the fux!|\|g corrs, or standing there listening to office noises in the background"

grrr automated phone enquiry lines GRRRR

― Norman Phay, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

so much of the phone menu problem could be solved if they gave everyone original nintendo videogame controllers instead of phones.

and "up up down down left right left right b a select start" should be the only code. it is the best code

― geeta, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

CONTRA!!! The best Nintendo game ever!

― bryan, Tuesday, 7 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

etchley all nes konami games. but i don't remember 'select' in there

― Bob Zemko, Wednesday, 8 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

select is in the 2-player secret code bob - take out the select for 1-player

multi-player phone menus!

― geeta, Wednesday, 8 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

If its the virgin trains growl at it continuously for 30 seconds and it will connect you to a glaswegian. Why not use their internet site much better than talking to a machine or glaswegian.

― Ed, Thursday, 9 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

So Robster: what number do I call if I want to access your dulcet tones 24 hours a day? It could be a match made in heaven - I love recorded announcements, you ARE one...

― Archel, Thursday, 9 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

This reminds me that someone needs to take a picture of a ski-mask- wearing thief pointing a gun an an ATM machine, and post it to Filepile.

― Tracer Hand, Thursday, 9 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

*really* thick people who can't understand a simple instruction like "press 1 followed by the # key

My father in law who's almost deaf phoned me up yesterday. He's just got a mobile phone and was trying to put a voucher on. 'Billy, I don't understand this it's asking me to put my house key in', 'House key???......(penny drops) I think you mean hash key'

Had to lie down after that.

― Billy Dods, Thursday, 9 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

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