My dad made up a list of quotes by himself

Not so Peggy Hill as you'd think:

Sports:

Every play in Football is a “trick play” as it is meant to fool the defense; it’s just that some are harder to pull off and are therefore more risky than others.

Ball games seem very exciting during play. However, look back 40 years and they mean practically nothing to anyone.

While sports can be obsessive, one of the worst reasons to attend a University is because it has a good sports program.

Sports programs have little to do with ones education other than perhaps lowering the grade curve.

College football is a game of popularity and money, not who's best. The refs are not reluctant to help out a little here and there when needed. The occasional underdog makes it interesting.

For most fans, if their team is not involved, they cheer for the underdog.

A good football coach would be wise to use Hitler’s philosophy etc without telling the players. Not really sure what this means??? – Abbs

When betting on sports you must put away all your biases and bet on what you feel will actually happen. Try to bet against those who are not willing to do the same. Never bet with a published spread. Bet only recreationally. And remember, any team can beat another on any given day.

Religion:
I took some of the more offensive/bigoted stuff out of here. You can't help who your dad is. Also I don't know why so many of these got classified under this category. – Abbs again

I would rather be found doing too much good than questioning all the grey areas all the time and found on the dark side of doing less. See Cain & Abel.

Lack of effort and a bad attitude brings jealousy and pettiness that can be handed down through generations. See Cain and Able.

While anyone can judge another, it takes a true Disciple of Christ to not judge another, no matter how good or bad they may seem.

Learn from and don’t regret the past, live in the present and make the most of living, prepare now for and do not fear the future.

It’s not the source of a trial that matters; it’s how we handle the trial.

Children are the only beings that understand true happiness, and even they cannot explain it.

People spend their youth being happy and the remainder of their lives trying to make others happy and get others to make them happy, usually the latter.

The difference between the hypocrite and the accuser is that the hypocrite knows his weaknesses as well as what to do about it and on occasion even tries to overcome it while the accuser indolently sees the fault of the hypocrite and sees nothing wrong with himself.

The hypocrite may help three types: 1st those who are blind to his weaknesses, 2nd are big enough to see the truth in what he is saying regardless, and 3rd are drawn in by his rhetoric and don’t care about much else.

The hypocrite hurts those who otherwise look up to him as a source of truth but cannot forgive him.

Because the hypocrite is weak, he teaches others that they too cannot overcome their weaknesses. Only the weak person buys into this excuse.

Doubters are quick to call someone a hypocrite as the term makes the person lesser in their eyes.

By calling someone a hypocrite, doubters hope to make the person recognize and give in to their weaknesses, or in other words, make them like them.

The true hypocrite is a friend to all and wants all to follow him. His motto might be friendship first, substance of the matter later.

Anybody can look at another and call them a hypocrite, but it takes a real Disciple of Christ to live the Gospel. Really he could have made a category called "Hypocrisy" – oil well. – Abbs comment #3

Nobody’s perfect, although some try to be.

Excuses, everybody’s favorite, are the tool of the Devil.

The true Disciple of Christ makes no excuses for himself, and tries constantly to become better, loves and is concerned for others but knows he can and will be judged unfairly by them.

Religion tells you not to judge others, yet when faced with dealing with others, you must judge them, at least partially. This philosophy lead to a lot of dinnertime fights between my dad and me.

Don’t judge others. You never know what’s going on or not going on in their heads.

Discover the blessing in every experience and you will find that you are constantly blessed.

Everybody lives some set of standards, even if it’s just “The Gospel According to Susan.”

“Moderation is all things” is not a religion. Practically every addict begins in moderation and thinks they can control it after it becomes a real problem.

There but by the grace of God goes somebody else. I believe we are all where we are supposed to be for a reason, even if it’s just to help that somebody else.

While most parents want their children to be better than they were, most children say, “You did it, why can’t I”? This is why you must set an example to your children first and then teach them about repentance and forgiveness as well.

The longer I live, the more I see that God wants us to be like him. I don’t know why people can’t see this. Is he not our Heavenly Father?

Santa Claus is not a religious figure. He’s just a parallel distraction from the truth.

Religion like any other belief has a certain amount of rationalization in it for things unknown. If it’s an unknown, either let it go or leave it to science or the prophets.

Those who seek to use power of the Priesthood, must first be worthy to do so, and then only in matters of need, both spiritual and temporal, not everyday occurrences, otherwise they blaspheme the glory and honor which is the Lord’s.

A man/missionary must be convinced that he is doing God’s work, and not use the name of God to accomplish his work.

Some people think that they can live and teach their children about moral consequences without religion in their lives. Even to live an average life without religion, they must rely on their moral upbringing. Most however, cannot. Even families who are adherent to the highest values sometimes have members who stray. [/i]Me. – Abbotttt[/i]

To live the best life, one must abide by religious precepts without forcing them on others. When you give yourself to your Lord, you find true happiness.

Consistently do kind deeds for others without expectations in return and they will notice and respect you. For some, this is all they will let you do. For all, this is the best you can do.

It is Christmas not whatevermas. If you don’t believe in Christ, don’t celebrate it. We don’t celebrate and then trivialize your religious holidays.

The biggest crime behind the so called seven deadly sins, lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride, is that they hurt others. By themselves they are hardly sins but merely desires and feelings. One sees them as abstract and therefore fails to tie them with specific sins. This is why the 10 commandments for example work better. You never hear someone say, “Oh, I did that, I must have been feeling slothful at the time”. Rather “I was being a bum last night”. My dad isn't Catholic do u see. Mormons adopted the whole snobbery abt Catholicism bcz it was around in the 1840s. – Abbs

The difference between admiration and envy comes down to this. Do you like the person and want good things for them or do you resent them or want something bad to happen to them? It’s funny how charming people receive a large amount of both from others.

The difference between greed and prosperity is what one does to obtain it. Is the line of honesty crossed to obtain more? How much time is spent trying to get more? Why does one want more, is it to make the neighbor envious? Etc. Prosperity is a blessing while greed is a curse.

The gluttonous often cannot see beyond their own neighborhood to understand why it is bad. Gluttony does not help anyone else, and even hurts the gluttenous as in heart attacks, cancer etc.

Slothfullness like gluttony does not help others and can even hurt the slothful with poor health etc. see television.

Unjustified wrath, closely associated with pride hurts others. If everyone who used wrath, instead used kind words, imagine the kind of world this would be.

Pride is the worst of sins as all others are derived from it. He admits some of these are "obvious."

The difference between lust and love is that lust is filling selfish desires while love is giving willingly without conditions or expectations.

No matter what you want to do, you will find obstacles in the way. God wants to see if you can really stand for something.

When you get a lot of compliments after a church talk it is because you were either really good or really bad.

Gonna spread these out for TLDR.

Now I want to know what quotes were too risque for inclusion.

People:

People seem to find the worst in others because of the things they know about themselves. Otherwise they wouldn’t know what to look for.

It is through comparisons that we become sad for ourselves, for one only compares himself to that which he is not.

There are those who constantly love to correct others no matter how subtle and there are those who are corrected. While all do both on occasions, most fall squarely on one side or the other.

Unless you want to get ripped off, avoid the special case person who always needs a hand up and who others are always helping. See charming.

Dogs are great. They ask (beg) for what they want, and forgive you if you don’t give it to them.

History is replete with unknown greats as well as known frauds thought to be great.

Those who seek power must align themselves with others seeking the same and this puts them all in the Devil’s driver’s seat. With each fighting to steer the vehicle they promptly go into the ditch.

Dealing with what life hands you is by far better than expecting life to hand you what it is not capable of.

Laugh and the world laughs at you, cry and the world laughs at you.

People who speak ill of others will never have any real friends, just loser friends who are easily intimidated.

Beware of the whiner!

Avoid the Bitch! And if you get two of them against you, run for cover!

If bitches ever united, the world would become Hell!

Kids are like Jelly Bellies, they’re all sweet, but you can’t help but like some better than others.

Shysters only want to impress, guess who, other shysters. Spoiled brats only want to impress, guess who, other spoiled brats. And so on. What kind of people wants to impress you?

Hell hath no fury like homosexual bigotry. Can you say straightphobe? (This is like 14 of the quotes I took out of the religion section – Abbottration

A name plus acronyms equal money, not credibility perhaps, but money.

Infamy can be as valuable as famy if sold to the right chumps. See tabloids.

When I want advice about important world affairs, the first place I look to is famous movie stars, especially the ones who can’t hold a marriage together for more than a week.

Spoiled people are more demanding and therefore are better salesmen.

Where prosperity leads, greed and corruption follow.

Someone who only forwards emails will be thought of only as forward.

Who besides radical Muslims doesn’t like Hula dancers?

There has always been and always will be a direct correlation between the intelligent and the rich. However intelligence without drive equals mere intelligence.

Some can capitalize on a poor idea and get wealthy while others can create wonderful new ideas and remain poor. The importunate person outperforms the intelligent person every time. And although the wealthy may still lack intelligence, they may be perceived as both intelligent and important. That is what wealth sometimes does.

New Year’s resolutions are for changes you know you should make but are not really committed to changing.

New Year’s resolutions never work because anything you would vow to do must be adhered to on a daily basis. If you really want something, you won’t wait for the next year to begin.

New Year’s Resolutions are promises to yourself, and if you’ve lied to yourself before then what’s the point. Why not make a personal vow to your Father in Heaven instead? If you’re willing to do that, it must be important enough to live by.

I like the sports ones.

Government & Taxes:
This is the worst section. But your dad is a DADE no matter what.

I think if the Devil himself were black and was running against McCain he would have been voted in. People are blinded by color on both sides and often never look at the person behind the color (mask).

Written 12/11/08: Obama will be known as the “What’s in it for me?” President. Referring not only to himself but everybody he deals with.

Will anyone be able to link Obama’s corrupt past with his wonderful present? It’s not far out I think. 12/11/08.

People want to believe in change even to the point of irrational rationalization, see Hitler.

Even Hitler had some wonderful quotes about patriotism, Christianity etc. You must be so careful not always about what you believe but who you believe.

The lottery is for suckers. Even odds are never obtained even at its highest level because taxes are taken out.

While you hear all about the one winner in a lottery, you never hear anything about the literally millions of losers, neither do you see the so called benefits from the lottery.

The lottery is the most expensive method of collecting taxes.

The lottery is an unfair tax on the poor. Only the poor are desperate enough and ignorant enough to actually believe they can win.

The lottery, gambling, booze, cigarettes and now government bailouts are legalized corruption.

The only good thing the lottery does is keep brainless people from giving their money to crooks instead.

The government has just one of two solutions to a problem but usually employ both at once. 1. Create a bureaucracy and 2. Throw money at the problem and hope that some of it lands in the right hands.

The current tax system encourages deceit as it rewards those who know how to benefit from it and thus punishes those who don’t. (My dad used to work for the IRS.)

There is not now nor will there ever be, complete fairness in either the creation or use of tax laws.

Unless it’s a government paid holiday it means nothing.

If we bail out the auto manufacturers to keep the assembly lines going, who’s going to buy the excess vehicles? Could the next step be government vehicle purchases?

This US government’s best weapon is the world economy. If you don’t do what we ask your economy will suffer. And if our economy goes bad, yours will be even worse. It is this fear and control that prevents spiraled inflation in this country. It also creates many ups and downs as this theory is constantly tested.

Careers:

In most work, those who do the most work make the most mistakes. The boss makes it his job to find others mistakes and do as little work as possible. These anal retentive qualities, qualify him for the position. The boss’s title shouldn’t be CFO etc. but rather Internal Auditor. It must be nice to always be right.

You can always tell when you’re talking to a boss, even if it’s not your own boss. They are rude, don’t listen, interrupt and don’t care what anyone else has to say. I am so impressed.

Careers are like football games, you’re either trying to win or you’re running out the clock.

A boss thinks he is as wise as King Solomon. He couldn’t punch his way out of a paper bag without his employees.

You can figure anything out with a good spreadsheet. <3 this – Abacab

The world needs more company Christmas parties, less Ebenezer Scrooges.

Every job begins on a sweet note and ends with a sour one.

There are only 3 reasons to go to work each day. 1. Lots and lots of money, 2. A wonderful friendly atmosphere where friends and acquaintances meet and 3. To get away from the wife/husband for a while. The desire to go to work each day is for the pretender.

Government job? It’s your money or your wife.

Its only when you never suspect the worst, the worst surprises you. Its only when you expect the best, that some A—hole comes along to snuff out your finest efforts.

Beware of the thief that steals your ideas and minimizes your position.

Beware of the person who is always talking with the boss. He’s not putting in his time for nothing. He is not to be trusted. Eventually, with patience, he’ll be calling the shots.

If you’re new and you walk into a lunch room or otherwise a group of employees and you see someone sitting by himself, if it’s not the boss and he’s been around a while, avoid him at all costs. If you are that person, lighten up would you?

The government does not track when you pay your taxes through your employer. Claim 9 or so exemptions through the first 11 months, then have enough withheld in your last two paychecks, by changing your W-4.

If you want to keep a job for very long you must roll with the punches.

A job is like a pizza pie. You must enjoy your slice without letting it get old and stale.

When it comes to a beautiful girl, you just never know what a boss might do, like blow you off in favor of the criminally insane.

If you get a boss who is jealous of you because of your girl, forget about it, start looking for another job.

Boredom at work equals fat employees.

AND THAT'S ALL

M3rrill's M@xims

A job is like a pizza pie. You must enjoy your slice without letting it get old and stale.

Even Hitler had some wonderful quotes about patriotism...

Our dads would get along...

'Kids are like Jelly Bellies, they’re all sweet, but you can’t help but like some better than others.'

So true. Also:

'Beware of the whiner!'

Written 12/11/08:...etc.
...It’s not far out I think. 12/11/08.

I see he wants full credit for his prescience when the future comes to pass as he prophesized. (Oh! I knew he was rotten back in December of 08, but you were all too blind to see it!)

A boss thinks he is as wise as King Solomon. He couldn’t punch his way out of a paper bag without his employees.

"Bosses are dumb. Act accordingly."

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/taxquote.jpg?t=1231470019

Pride is the worst of sins

This from a man who compiles a list of his own quotes! Time for a rib-tickling sackcloth and ashes joke!

Dude is, to put it diplomatically, idiosyncratic.

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/muslimsquote.jpg?t=1231470950

Not unsurprisingly, bowdlerization leads to scandalous overimagination. Okay so here are the excised ones:

Were marriage laws accepted in Sodom and Gomorrah before their demise? We know what God did to those cities. I don’t believe his feelings have changed about the sin since then. The City of Sodom even had the act named after it.

Making homosexual marriage legal by man does not force God to see it as valid. It only brings the wrath of God upon all who accept it.

It is a hypocrite who tries to increase his congregation through acceptance of homosexuality. See Sodom and Gomorrah.

In re hula dancers query: The Christian missionaries who were sent to Hawaii in the 19th century, who banned hula as lascivious and contrary to public morals. In this they were well-aligned with a vast assortment of bluestockings & mrs. grundies, puritans, prudes, bowdlerizers and other defenders of public purity and innocence - all of them devout Christians.

:O

Eh! History! Fuck it!

Time for me to find a bucket of water and go soak my head. Ta!

The only history he seems cognizant of is "Hitler's philosophies etc," which is vaaaaaague.

http://img249.imageshack.us/img249/337/santakj2.png

"Laugh and the world laughs at you, cry and the world laughs at you."

^^^ this one actually might have some legs, if he thought it up. Could actually make the big time!

The lottery thing is kind of o_O, not for anything in particular he says but just that he's kinda hung up on it, it's like half of the entire government section! Based on my own dad I've grown accustomed to a wider range of (admittedly duller) grousing about big government, tax n spend, etc.

He's an accountant so he has kind of a narrow range of interest.

Abbot, that's interesting b/c my dad is a CPA! But I wonder if they come from different accounting schools...like, I can't quite make heads or tails out of these, mathemagically:

The lottery is for suckers. Even odds are never obtained even at its highest level because taxes are taken out.

(I'll agree with "for suckers," but I'm not sure how taxes being taken out really changes things. It's still a ridiculous huge pile of money that you're not going to win...what's he going for here?)

While you hear all about the one winner in a lottery, you never hear anything about the literally millions of losers, neither do you see the so called benefits from the lottery.

(Maybe he only reads accountant journals? I hear tons about the so-called benefits of the lottery! Granted, one of those benefits was that I didn't have to pay undergrad tuition, like countless other Georgians, so maybe I'm biased.)

http://a.imageshack.us/img834/8468/dadj.jpg

Oh dad.

wait... what?

I...don't know.

He has come up with some new quotes:

When a person is successful, there’s always a teacher that will steal the glory by saying, I always new there was something special about him and I encouraged him to become what he is today.

When there’s a person who does something infamous, there’s always a teacher that says he was bad from the start and I saw it back then, didn’t help just saw it. No credit to be had there.

They say you are what you eat. This is why I would rather eat anything than vegetables.

If you want to see where we’re headed in this country, just look at those shallow Hollywood types. They are what our future will bring.

Some people are more concerned about finding the remote control to the TV than whether they live or die.

It doesn’t matter who it is, there comes a point in everyone’s life when they don’t care if they like anybody or not. That is exactly why Christ was different than us.

Regarding Miss California and the Miss USA pageant, someone at long last speaks the truth about what they believe in and stands for moral values and they are highly ridiculed for it. What is a Perez Hilton anyway, and is that really its name?

New Year’s resolutions are for changes you know you should make but are not really committed to changing.

New Year’s resolutions never work because anything you would vow to do must be adhered to on a daily basis. If you really want something, you won’t wait for the next year to begin.

If someone wants to show you up, just let them. If you don’t they will resent you. If you do, perhaps they will get it out of their system. Just don’t let them make it a habit.

Even a pretty girl becomes ugly if she acts spoiled.

It’s not how hot you are, it’s how hot you can sell yourself as. See Paris Hilton.

Stupid is contagious.

People are limited by what others have made them believe about themselves, nothing more. People can do anything regardless of what others believe.

When a person is successful, there’s always a teacher that will steal the glory by saying, I always new there was something special about him and I encouraged him to become what he is today.

goddamn teachers always soaking up the limelight

Wait, Abbott, is this your dad?

Oh so he supports the Amero, then.

Haha jaymc, that is indeed my dad.

man the sports ones are pretty otm until hilter comes up

I seriously wish I knew what this meant. I also wish I knew why this certain subclass of conservatives (of his age, usually) are totally obsessed with Hitler.

kicking all the jews off the team = instant success

I remember when I was running for vice president of the student body in ninth grade and my dad told me, "You have to remember to use the techniques of Hitler," and I started crying.

Oh dear, Abbott - can imagine the sage dad-nods that go with these kinder kultur koans.