Joke Request Thread

This is my friend Tim's favorite: Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

"For my first wish, " he says, "I asked for all the wealth in the world, and hey presto, I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

"Wow!" says the first guy. "What else did you wish for?"

"I wished for world peace and happiness, and it happened."

"Excellent! But what about your third wish?"

"I wished I had an orange for a head."

a rabbit goes into a bar. asks for a cheese toastie. after eating it, asks the barman for a ham toastie. he's stilkl hungryu, so asks for a thrid one, a bacon and tomato one.

fulkl of toasties, he suddenly drops to the floor dead. the barman is in shock, and feels real guilty, like he killed the rabbit, so goes outside to bury him. in the night he hears this ghastly moaning sound. downstairs, he finds the ghost of the rabbit....trembling, he asks "why did you die?"

the rabbit replies "mixinmetoasties".......

geddit????????

this is the only joke i know.

Cot death.

What's green and flies over Germany? Snotsies.

Heaven has its own traffic problems. One day, St Peter processes Richard Nixon through the Pearly Gates. He asks Tricky Dicky how unfaithful he was to his wife, as this will determine his means of transport in the Hereafter. Nixon says he cheated once. St Pete hands him the keys to a Ford Pinto. A while later, Reagan turns up. St Peter asks the same question of Ronnie, who claims to have cheated on Jane Wyman but not on 'Mommy'. Disturbed, St Pete gives him the keys to a Robin Reliant. Prematurely, Clinton arrives. St Peter doesn't ask, just hands over the keys to a nice red Vespa and waves him off.

Soon after that, Clinton's coasting along on his Vespa. Tangled together in the Elysian lay-by he sees Nixon and Reagan, their transportation ruined. Concerned, Clinton asks what the matter is. Tetchily, Nixon replies:'Oh, everything was fine until the Kennedys came through on their fuckin' roller skates!'

...

...a packet of crisps."

Barman: Why the long pause?

Bear: Easier to catch fish.

Bear: Easier to catch fish.

I don't mean to be an arse but surely it's "Why the big pause".

Can you have long paws?

Anyway, sure enough the duck starts coming in every day after work, and soon he's pretty good friends with the bartender, and they get to know each other quite well. Meanwhile, one day at lunchtime, the bartender strikes up a conversation with this businessman, and it turns out he's the manager of this travelling circus. So of course the bartender says 'Oh my god. You are not going to believe this. I have the perfect act for your circus.' The businessman is intrigued and asks to hear more. So the bartender tells him, 'There's this duck who comes in here every day. And - it's crazy, I know - he can talk.' Naturally the circus manager is interested, so he gives the bartender his card, and the bartender promises to pass it on to the duck.

So later that night, the duck comes into the bar. The bartender doesn't really know how to bring up the proposition, so he makes small talk for a while, and then he says 'Look, I have this suggestion, but if it offends you, just tell me, and I won't mention it again.' The duck is interested, so the bartender tells him, 'Well, I was talking to the manager of a circus today, and he was pretty interested in you.' The duck immediately says it sounds good, but then he looks dubious. The bartender asks him what's wrong, and the duck says, 'Well, I wouldn't mind working for a circus, but what use would they have for a plasterer?'

I want to echo Ally and say, Nicky D, what the hell are you on about? What is a 'string'? For goodness' sake.

Oh. you did...

Another pig walks into the bar, has the same lager, then runs for the toilets.

A third pig comes into the bar, asks for a lager, drinks it and leaves.

The next day, the third pig comes back to the bar, so the barman asks, "Why didn't you run for the toilet like the other pigs?".

"This little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home."

Fr. O'Malley takes the fish home to Sister Catherine, plops it down on the stove, and says "Okay, Sister, please be sure to cook and clean this sonofabitch right away, His Holiness is coming over to dinner later tonight." Sister Catherine's face turns bright red. Fr. O'Malley says "Oh no, that's what I thought, too. No, this fish really IS called a 'sonofabitch'.

The pope arrives later that evening, and is led into the sumptuous dinner table. He sees the immaculately cooked fish in front of him, with Fr. O'Malley and Sister Catherine beaming proudly behind it. Fr. O'Malley: "I caught the sonofabitch!" Sister Catherine: "I cooked and cleaned the sonofabitch!!!"

The pope's jaw drops wide open in shock. Then, he smiles. "You fuckers are all right!"

who's there?

Willis.

Willis who?

Willis dick fit in your mouth?

So an hour or so later the barman starts hassling the guy again, "come on, you have to get a blowjob of this weasel man, its out of this world, you'll love it", and the guy says "no no way no way". So its closing time and the guy is leaving and the barman says "ok ok ok, I'll give you a test go and if you like it I'll sell it to you half price", so the guy thinks what the fuck, why not and he goes out back with the barman. 5 minutes later he's like "that was the best damn blowjob I ever got, I'll give you 200 for that weasel", "Done" says the barman. So the guy gets home and he's all excited about the weasel and he runs in the door and says to his wife, "hey honey I got this weasel, it gives the best fucking blow jobs ever" She snaps back at him "oh yeah and what the hell am I meant to do with it?" So he says "teach it to cook and then fuck off"

a BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAH!

what do you call an exploding ape?

a BA-BOOM!!

Why DOESN'T Barrymore have any ashtrays in his house?
Because he puts all his fags out in his pool!

What do you get if you skin a baby?
An erection!

"Cohen!" screams Goldberg, "Are you all right?"

Replies Cohen, "I make a living."

"I want to place an advertisement to commemorate the passing of my husband."

"Very good, what is the wording?"

"Solly dead."

"Is that all? You sure you don't want to add anything?"

"Er . . . OK . . . Solly Goldberg dead."

"But that's only three words. You know you can put in a six-word advert for the price of three this week?"

"Well, alright - Solly Goldberg dead. Volvo for sale."

(Could think of a very sick remark here vis-a-vis ashes and Golders Green delis, but let's not go there)

Q: How do you get them out? A: Tostitos.

with jam in

"LuX0r?"

"Not until after we're married, apparently."

fisting by the pool

A sanitary owl.

A busload of nuns is going on an outing when the bus crashes and they are all killed outright. They get to the pearly gates where St Peter is waiting with a clipboard.
“Sisters, just a few formalities, form an orderly queue please”.
St Peter says to sister No. – “Sister Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
Sister Mary looks at her feet, blushes and mumbles something.
St Peter –“Well?”
Sister Mary – “I, I er, touched one with the tip of my finger once”
St Peter shakes his head and tuts “Sister Mary, wash your finger with that holy water over there and you can come in” so she does.
St Peter to nun No. – “Sister Catherine, the same question to you, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
Sister Catherine goes bright red, shuffles and coughs then says – “Well, I, you see, um, rubbed one with my hand”
St Peter gasps, shakes his head and tells her to wash her hand in the holy water thoroughly, then she can get into heaven, so she does
Suddenly there’s a commotion at the back of the queue, one nun is shoving all of the others out of the way to get to the front, she’s out of breath by the time she reaches St Peter
St Peter is worried - “Sister, Sister, whatever is the matter?”
She replies - “If I’m going have to gargle with holy water I want to do it before Sister Agnes shoves her arse in it!”

The doctor says "Are you fucking my wife?"

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"

A man walks into a dentist's surgery.

"What can I do for you?"

"I think I'm a moth."

"You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist!"

"I know!"

"Then why did you come in here ?"

"Well, the light was on ..."

Two that came from my housemate's dad when he phone up drunk last friday night:

1. "I was at the police station last night - told the man at the desk I'd been graped.

He said: Don't you mean "Raped"???

I said: No, there was a bunch of 'em."

Works much better out loud and being told by a drunk dad.

2. Q. How'd you get a fat bird into bed?
A. Piece o' cake.

Dad is awesome.

woman walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

Q: Why does Julia Roberts masturbate with a frozen piece of shit?

this joke has not started very nicely.

A: Because it makes her come.

so, i'm walking down the road, and i meet a man bouncing a brick...

No way! A man bouncing a brick?!

J: what would four tampons say if you bought them beers ?
me: ?
J: they wouldn't say anything...
...they're stuck up cunts.

-- bb (bbia)

Scroll down for a picture of Santa's cock!
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Grow up, you fucking weirdo. Santa isn't real, and even if he was, why would you want to see his cock? Fucking pervert.

disgraceful

1) Gentile goes into a men's clothing store. He sees a beautiful
silk/linen sport coat. He tries it on and looks in a mirror. Satisfied, he walks over to the clerk and says, "I really like this jacket."

Clerk says, "It looks very good on you sir. It's $3500."

Man says, "I'll take it."

2) Two gentiles are walking down the street. One turns to the other and asks, "Say, you're in business for yourself, aren't you? How's it doing?"

Second guy says, "It's going great! Thanks for asking."

3) Gentile calls his mom and says, "Hi Mom. I know I was going to come
over for dinner tonight, but something's come up and I can't make it."

His mom says, "Oh, that's fine. I'll see you next time."

???

Oh, now I get it, hahaha.