In every 20th century kung fu film ever (including dubbed/subtitled English dialogue)

"I'm real angry now, you bastard!"

That one flat hilltop overlooking the ocean near Hong Kong where the training/climactic fights take place.

The drunk old coot who is secretly a master at the Shaolin Temple

If the film is set in the past: something anachronistic, preferably relating to a pop culture craze in the year of filming.

the overweight guy who is lovingly ridiculed by his fellow students, but then ends up actually being a pretty good fighter when it matters most.

the family vendetta

broken pottery, drunkenness, cheating at games of chance

temple/kung fu school defilement

the rival school that lacks honor and scruples

^^relates

the protagonist is attempting to turn a new leaf and lead a non-violent and tame life. Inevitably he's brought back to his ass-kicking ways after much provocation and injustice.

dumplings or noodles eaten with much gusto.

bucket-carrying montage

Slapstick comedy immediately preceding wrenching tragedy (or vice versa).

Wackily incompetent henchman with cross-eyes and a dubbed voice that makes Jim Varney's Ernest sound like Olivier's Hamlet.

"Eh, boss, that one guy, he's real tough!"

fights set in locales with a great potential for impromptu weapon utilization - construction sites, docks, marketplaces, factories.

"Master, please teach me kung fu."

"Enh?"

crazy telephoto zoom effect. 100 yards out to a close-up of the eyes in half a second. accompanied by a synthesized zap!

Significant looks. Lots of them.

Female lead kicks everyone's ass repeatedly, especially the male lead's.

sticky rice

a comical attempt at riding a horse (or sometimes a bicycle)

That one motherfucker with the eyebrows.

fighting techniques named after animals

"You were an orphan from the street! How dare you disrespect me!"

smooshing of flying insect with chopsticks.

the girl hiding her face behind the fan turns out to be a man.

alternately, girl hiding her face behind the fan then uses the fan as a weapon.

Pensive stroking of very long beards

suspect facial hair of villains/sidekicks

angry muttering of crowd of faceless villagers, temple-goers, soldiers etc sounds almost exactly several layered tracks of two actors talking

chase scene thru crowded market, knocking over baskets of food and live chickens that scatter everywhere.

quality of opponent's martial arts skill openly remarked upon, mocked

"I must take my revenge."

protagonist left for dead, returns to wreak vengeance

kung fu punches and kicks emit a loud cracking sound rarely heard in real life

The hero takes on upwards of 30 armed henchmen - who choose to come at him one at a time.

training montage

Protagonist is always reading with a vaguely morbid one liner after killing someone.

The Blind Sage

Removal of shirt/picking at a knife wound and licking the blood, in the middle of the fight to signal that he's taking this fight seriously.

Find the Villain's Weak Spot

Evil boss has a distinguishing physical trait like a wooden hand or eyepatch, and wears only silk robes.

opening sequence with seriously panned + scanned + silhouetted kicking and punching. if not silhouetted, the featured kicker/puncher will not appear anywhere in the movie.

^ truth bomb

Noble blind sister/nephew/daughter/girlfriend who is innocent of the evils her relative/lover fights against or flagrantly commits.

modest warrior accidentally reveals his super fighting reflexes by catching a rice bowl purposely knocked off a table near him by group of bad guys

xp blind girl guaranteed to have the most wtf annoying voice in the film

evil strongman defeated by more nimble protagonist, demonstrating the virtues of quickness and technique over brute strength

proto-video-game sequence of boss sending shittiest henchmen to quickly get their asses kicked, then sending some intermediate dude with a weapon skill, then finally fighting the good guy himself.

Long, homoerotic gazes between shirtless men

movie ends no more than 5 seconds after the evil boss has been defeated

More movies really need to follow that model.

Extremely murky sequence that might be shot at night or in the rain or in a jungle or all three but you're never entirely sure which, though it sounds fantastic.

dude we could have had kung fu fap a long time ago yr holding out on me

Clearly we'll just need to make up for lost time here.

I would so love to have been one of the guys dubbing all these things. Best anonymous fame in the world and I would have been all over any Wu-Tang related album by default.

Getting back to the subject:

Music cues that last about five seconds and make Charles Ives sound like Erik Satie.

If protagonist is a young student, then:

Nerdy friend who gesticulates a lot and is given to much questioning and concern. Chances of survival to the end of the movie: 50/50.

Policemen or guardsmen are either:

* Corrupt bastards who secretly work for the rough voiced crime boss and who the protagonists eventually humiliate and/or kill depending on their relative level of depravity.

* Noble and pure figures who work to recover the honor of their family by hunting the vicious criminals that actually committed the crimes or were rebels but who have in fact been recruited by the corrupt local governor for his own nefarious purposes. Though successful in their goal, said noble figures inevitably perish in the attempt.

Lots of games of dominoes. Inevitably someone cheats, the words "Eh! You bastard!" are heard, and the one old guy serving the tea has to duck the first flying chair.

"stop kidding!"

Passwords, often cryptic.

A list of names listing all the conspirators or rebels, which must be kept from the evil Manchu governors at all costs.

"This situation is totally dickhead"

"Huh"
"What is it, keep moving?"
"I thought I heard something"
"Must have been your imagination. Probably just the leaves blowing"

If a young child has a featured role, the English dubbed voice makes fingernails on chalkboards seem like the most pleasant sound ever heard.

Protagonist fights one on one with Bolo at some point in the movie.

Nerdy friend who gesticulates a lot and is given to much questioning and concern. Chances of survival to the end of the movie: 50/50.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 20 January 2009 05:41 (3 days ago)

I was watching one of the extras on Fargo and the Coens were talking about the classic trope of the guy who talks too much and the guy who says little -- seems applicable here.

Hero uses his long braid as weapon during fight sequence

Fight ensues in storage area with much use of available sacks/ladders/tools as weapons

Man, I am not at all a kung fu movie head but boy does this list make it sound like the most fun genre ever!

It is, my friend, it is.

"So many secret techniques must mean...troubles in store."

"those damn japanese!"

hero skipping across the heads and shoulders of various henchmen or restaurant/teahouse patrons.

when revealing your secret technique, your opponent will announce it e.g. "It can't be! The dragon death grip!"

no one will recognize a woman if she's dressed like a man. bonus points if she's wearing a fake beard and/or has a high, squeaky voice.

gang members tortured but refuse to reveal the Wu-Tang Secret

xp

bad fake facial hair on any character, regardless of gender

Very wacky sound effects associated with someone's physical disability.

Let us revive, via listicle:

http://io9.com/5945804/27-of-the-most-insane-martial-arts-battles-ever-filmed

Cackling villain and toadies steal exotic bird in bamboo cage from blameless peasant.

Beautiful woman convincingly disguises herself as a young boy by putting on trousers and a hat.

anthony wong eating people, then brutalized by police for eating people, making you sympathize with anthony wong.

Offensive and slightly baffling depictions of people from Asian countries other than China.

playing in NYC this weekend.

THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN
by Law Kei
1977, 95 min, 35mm

This screening is part of: OLD SCHOOL KUNG FU FEST

WARNING: Watching This Movie Will Destroy Your Brain!!!!! Four years after Bruce Lee died, everyone was cashing in on his legend with look-a-like films, but this is the most notorious Brucesploitation movie of them all. Bruce Lee is dead, but his adventures aren’t over. He arrives in Hell where he must fight Dracula, Clint Eastwood, and the Godfather in order to come back to life. Fortunately, Popeye is there to lend a hand. Bruce Lee is played by Bruce Leung (KUNG FU HUSTLE) but even his genuine skills can’t stop the madness. Beginning with the corpse of Bruce Lee getting an erection (Don’t worry – it’s just his nunchakus!) and ending with him flying away as the cast waves “Goodbye!”, you cannot unsee this movie. You will laugh! You will cry! And you will scream as the spirit of Bruce Lee kicks his way out of your stupid skull!

“I see…you’re BEGGING to be KILLED.”

Acupuncture points.

I just thi know of the Peter Serafinowicz bit: "You killed my accountant. Now YOU must be my accountant!"

*think