pure blind unreasoning hatred - a request for HELP!!

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OK, so there’s this person that I have to see every day, and I realised the other day that I HATE her. It’s getting increasingly difficult to talk to her or even look at her, I hate her so, and this is really really worrying me, as firstly it’s intruding into and contaminating all other areas of my life – for example, I was so worn down by hating her on Saturday that I had to go back to bed and cry for half the day after shouting at my boyfriend who didn’t deserve it and was all grumpy and didn’t want to see anyone or come to the pub or anything. But mainly the worry comes because I don’t WANT to hate her – she’s a benign figure compared to say saddam hussein, and I think that she has a lot of problems that she won’t admit (and is actually probably clinically deluded about a lot of stuff), so on top of everything I feel very guilty about this. it’s just that she makes *my* life so very, very intolerable and I think I’m very close to cracking because of it. But I’m a nice lovely loving hippy-type person and I never used to be so angry or hate-filled, so what happened? What should I do? It’s impossible for me not to talk to her so I can’t avoid her, and yet every time she talks to me I can just feel this ball of pure rage rolling around my guts and dig my fingernails into my palm so it leaves marks. How can I calm down (alternative therapy answers much appreciated, hahaha)? Please help me ILE! Or if you can’t, have a good old bitch about someone you hate so I won’t feel so goddam alone, etc…

― katie, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i am just so bored with hearing myself moan about her. maybe i should get out more...

― katie, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Why not do what I do? Everytime a certain co-worker talks to me I say "You know you're worthless. Why did you even get up this morning? Why don't you kill yourself?" If your co-worker is as 'troubled' as this guy is, she'll probably do th same thing as him, which is to mutter "I know" and look downcast all day. At least you'll be less aggravated that way. (Note - this only works with genuinely troubled people, sane ones will just hit you)

― dave q, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh dear Katie. Well, first off I wouldn't worry that you're capable of feeling hate. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. It's only if that hatred turns into worrying evil schemes stalker territory that you need to look at yourself and wonder. Sadly though there is no good advice for this problem. If you can't avoid her you'll have to learn to live with it. And if you learned to hate, I'm sure the next step'll be no problem for you. Good luck.

― Matt, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

There are two ways through this. One is to really really shout at her and tell her how much you hate her. You will then feel sheepish and embarressed, she will too and hence the problem will be solved.

Otherwise work out why you hate her, and explain to her every time she does it how annoying it is to you - in calm placid terms. This is the method I usually use, but then I'm no hippy and yet I don't really hate anyone. People don't make you feel bad, you make you feel bad.

― Pete, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

(btw I just assumed it was a co-worker cuz you said you had to see them every day, I might be mistaken)

― dave q, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

It appears that your anger is cumulative, so you should not be afraid to vent it. It's a critical mass situation. Take up kick-boxing or go for long walks. Or just do something different. A change is as good as a rest and all that.

Confront the issue that makes her so anger inducing. Accept that she has problems, but you are not responsible for sorting them out.

(I hope this sounds sincere!)

― jel --, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

[it is actually her bus driver, dave]

― N., Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Katie, I sympathise. I have exactly the same thing with my housemate. I can't be in the same room as him. Every time he speaks to me my flesh crawls and I start shouting 'just fuck off out of my life' in my head. I avoid him where possible, I go out a lot, I never really use the living room. With a co-worker (it is, isn't it? You've mentioned her before) it must be terrible because you're bound to act in an office-acceptable way. It's not rational, but still, I really do feel for you.

― Anna, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

If what N. says is true, the solution is to pay the fare in pennies every morning and ask directions

― dave q, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I hate loads of people but sadly I think I revel in bitching about them. It's just I'm not really very tolerant. I mean my class for example (barring 4 or 5 people), it's got to the point where my friends from the clubbingsoc and stuff enjoy hearing me rant about 25 people at once. They annoy me so much, but again I think I secretly love going to seminars and feeling indignant.

I do think that I would be bothered if one person was the sole focus of my hatred, and I emphatise with what you're saying Katie from past experience. But as it is I spread the hate around generously so there's enough for everyone. er...healthy!

― Ronan, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Pete's second suggestion sounds v sensible, but given what you've said about this person in the past might not work. Otherwise it might be worth a trip to see this person's superior to have a good old whinge about her and/or request that things can be arranged so that you don't have to interact with her very much, explaining that it's affecting your work.

Re. the whole hate thing: hating stuff is fine and perfectly healthy. I think you sometimes get a bit wrapped up in the idea of having to live up to some OTT ideal of virtue (ie not hating, never being angry, always being considerate etc) and it makes things worse when you *do* get angry, grumpy or whatever with the second-order guilt effects making you feel shittier than ever.

― RickyT, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Like Pete, I can't honestly say I know 'hate' as an emotion. Maybe you should just not take her so seriously. Imagine her naked or something.

― N., Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Or very very clothed (say in a Goofy suit.)

― Pete, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

hmmmmm, well thanks for all the advice chaps (except N to whom i give thanks for the 30 seconds of incredulous hilarity, haha i really do not want to imagine her naked!!) i don't think that explaning things to her would make her any better so i think i'll just have to put up with it, but try to deal with it in a slightly more rational way ie. not getting pissed and weeping about it. it's just that for a few moments on Saturday it seemed as though this issue had taken over my ENTIRE WORLD when i know this wasn't the case. i must get better at putting things in perspective, sigh...

― katie, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Have you tried farting every time she walks into a room and blaming it on her?

― Dan Perry, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Just growl at her every time you see her.

― Graham, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I like Dan's suggestion best.

― Norman Phay, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Inquiring minds want to know, why do you have to see her everyday?!?

You normally even get a couple of days off from despicle co-workers. I generally avoid people I really and truly hate.

You know I hate most though? People who talk on cell phones while driving, shopping etc. THEY MUST DIE!!

― S., Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

go for the screaming, because when you tell people what bothers you in calm placid tones they start screaming and then insist that you started it.

― Maria, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I hate lots of people. In fact, I'd say I hate the vast majority of my schoolmates. It's not my fault though, I know this because I always get a second opinion on whether or not I have the right to hate them. I find it helps to try to find meaningless justification for my hatred. Once I get my justification I either become extremely nice (to fuck with their mind), a complete know-it-all (to give them issues with their own intelligence), ignore them completely (almost always classic), or just scream at them.

I suggest screaming at them in your case since you said you are hippy- ish. I know if I got a hippy pissed at me I'd sure be curious about what I did. Well, I'd be curious if I cared-this person might not though. In that case do what Dan suggested.

― Lindsey B, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

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