in every oscars ceremony ever

waxy pulchritude

cuts to Jack Nicholson smirking

bearded, long-haired men wearing bowties

tight asses

fashion crimes

the Holocaust

sequined gowns

bows!

all in that order

smugness

revisionism

self-congratulatory politics

hideous anticipatory television news magazine featurettes

people who died montage with tacky differential clapping

no discussion of acting whatsoever

breasts taped into positions that would totally confuse Isaac Newton

europeans who make incomprehensible yet incredibly exuberant acceptance speeches

dustin hoffman, stoned

meryl streep, drunk

orchestra-signalled time constraints

Emcees says, "And now, the talented..."

no honorary awrads for either Jean-Luc Godard or Billy Jack

meryl streep , drunk

Fixed.

winners of slightly more technical awards treated about the same way as wins by child actors

short film winners giving the best speeches of the night

the 4 worst songs you will hear all year.

"Film is the universal language..."

young stars looking totally confused by old showbiz warhorse who just won a minor award for something nobody ever heard of

Reference to African Americans accompanied by conspicuous cut-away to Lou Gossett, Jr.

co-stars of an upcoming spring/summer big-studio turd present an award

Reference to African Americans accompanied by conspicuous cut-away to of Lou Gossett, Jr.

sean penn getting offended at emcee jokes

at least two nominees whose acting skills do not stretch quite so far as credibly pretending not to mind that they lost

hollywood maverick in a bolo tie.

shockingly fugly dresses next to shockingly sexy dresses

Scorsese utilized for his National Professor of Cinema Studies persona

What, he/she's still alive???

seating arranged in elaborate film clusters, using producers and other behind-the-scenes peeps to ensure stars don't sit too close to wildly different stars

best/funniest line of the night comes from some dude who won some random technical or short film award

actress who winds up looking like a goth

Perfunctory video of some minor technical awards "presented earlier" by an starlet-of-the-moment whom you suspect was chosen to host just to make the tech dudes' day.

5 minute clip of the technical awards to allow the real stars to take a shit.

absence of Woody Allen in years that don't follow a terror attack on NYC

sudden realization that most of these professional performers have no idea how to address a large audience

J-Lo in surprisingly high profile seat.

clint eastwood squints impassively at joke about clint eastwood, knowing it's funnier that way

reminder that Renee Zelwegger is just not that attractive

haha i was going to say renee zelwegger sporting lemon-face

"It all begins with the writer..."

Kate Winslet loses the acting award

cate blanchett looking beautiful

goldie hawn increasingly replaced by cute fairground caricature of goldie hawn

xpost was trying to figure out how to say that

to morbs

Tom Hanks looking bloated.

total lack of the color commentary that would finally make the oscars bearable

pre-show Sally Field clip

post-show Sally Field clip if someone pulls a Sally Field

jews winning tech/creative awards, goyim winning for the acting

shocking physical appearance of actor (bald, emaciated, bearded) leads to whispers of deadly disease but it turns out they're just playing a cancer-ridden d-bag and will be nominated the following year for the role.

i would totally see a movie about a cancer patient who's a total unsympathetic d-bag

As Good As It Gets II: The Cancer Years?

This summer, Jeremy Piven HAS a sarcoma

jews winning tech/creative awards, goyim winning for the acting

waht

(omg did you guys hear that piven quit the mamet play he's doing because he claims he got mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi? omg)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v212/etienne_saint/atumor.jpg

(omg did you guys hear that piven quit the mamet play he's doing because he claims he got mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi? omg)

― horseshoe, Monday, January 26, 2009 2:05 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol did the pony express just arrive in chicago bearing news from new york

haha my sister who lives in new york told me. did this happen months ago or something?

she also told me that mamet said, "jeremy piven has left the show to pursue an alternate career as a thermometer"

(Haha yeah, he was claiming to eat "sushi" like four or five times a day. It was the most transparently untrue claim he's made since he said he and Cusak weren't friends anymore because Cusak couldn't handle his success.)

word on the street is piven likes to get beaten up during sex fyi

not in every oscar ceremony ever

just in a couple

joan rivers

did this happen months ago or something?

Little over a month ago.

camera work and cutaways seems designed to remind world that gwyneth paltrow still exists

george clooney doing his laugh laugh laugh STRAIGHT FACE bit whenever the cameras find him

at least two nominees whose acting skills do not stretch quite so far as credibly pretending not to mind that they lost

Lauren Bacall lol

lauren bacloll

# Weed, depression and schizophrenia [Started by Scaredy Cat in July 2003, last updated 8 seconds ago] 10 new answers
# in every oscars ceremony ever [Started by Tracer Hand in January 2009, last updated 23 seconds ago] 89 new answers

total lack of the color commentary that would finally make the oscars bearable

― nabisco, Monday, 26 January 2009 18:56 (1 hour ago) Permalink

seriously^

"Wow, you're heavier than you look."

absence of Woody Allen in years that don't follow a terror attack on NYC

― Dr Morbius, Monday, January 26, 2009 1:41 PM (8 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

^^^ I lul'd

Soul-crushing boredom

Nostalgic montage of something no one really feels that much nostalgia for

veteran actor says/does something mildly risque to remind us that they are not in fact dead yet

This thing he does is directed at a starlet causing a shocked/grossed-out reaction shot.

schlubby comedian/icy actress trade banter at his expense, his attempt to save the bit with a lame adlib is stepped on by actress who just wants to get it overwith

^^^

OTM.

Quick cutaway to a nominee sitting pensively, hands folded with extended index fingers against lips

dubious choreography

Somewhere, off in the distance, the sound of Dr. Morbius softly yet insistently weeping.

One winner skips the usual litany of people to thank in order to make a joke about the usual litany of people to thank.

Quick cutaway to a nominee sitting pensively, hands folded with extended index fingers against lips

Ha! The producer of "Slumdog Millionaire" just did that exact gesture - seconds before actually winning the darn thing.

Damn, now I'm wishing that I'd watched/listened to the whole thing and made a checklist of all these predictions as they transpired. But I can affirm or disaffirm some of 'em, at least:

bearded, long-haired men wearing bowties

― Tracer Hand

Check

people who died montage with tacky differential clapping

― horseshoe

I think Paul Newman got more applause than everyone else combined!

Kate Winslet loses the acting award

― Barack You Like A Husseincane (HI DERE)

Nope, sorry

annoying contrived animated section

― Barack You Like A Husseincane (HI DERE)

Check

One "edgy" political joke that people aren't sure if they're allowed to be seen on international television laughing at/not laughing at.

― ailsa

Looking at you, Sean Penn

schlubby comedian/icy actress trade banter at his expense, his attempt to save the bit with a lame adlib is stepped on by actress who just wants to get it overwith

― spo0tiful (tremendoid)

Jack Black

cate blanchett looking beautiful

― horseshoe

Right

meryl streep

― Alfred, Lord Sotosyn

Right again!

self-congratulatory politics

― Courtney Love's Jew Loan Officer (Shakey Mo Collier)

Hello again, Mr. Penn

awkward bids at profundity

john voigt losing his shit after olivier's speech

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSgvp0l1n2s

nabisco still bang otm re: lack of color commentary.

someone presenting an award is pretty evidently drunk

joan rivers not getting nearly enough screen time

more and more completely unfamiliar faces :(