in the second section of every newspaper ever

for newspapers which regularly come with multiple sections you can think of this as the magazine section

headlines that ask wackily counterintuitive questions, i.e.

"are charities killing africa?"

i have always hated headlines like these, because either 1) the article doesn't answer the question, so the headline feels like a tease for something that doesn't exist, a promise that it doesn't keep, or 2) the article actually DOES answer the question, in which case the headline should simply convey the ANSWER to that question i.e. "charities are killing africa"

ruminations on author's own childhood

attempt to connect recent exhibition of high-end fashion with economic news

gizmos n gadgets

a humourist going through the motions.

Lots of boring photographs by award-winning photographers that you're supposed to be impressed by

My least favoured feature headline formulae are those that impose views and states of knowledge on the reader:

Why we love x
The best x you've never heard of
50 things you didn't know about x

Impractical and expensive recipes for meals no-one will ever eat

headlines that ask wackily counterintuitive questions, i.e.

"are charities killing africa?"

i have always hated headlines like these, because either 1) the article doesn't answer the question, so the headline feels like a tease for something that doesn't exist, a promise that it doesn't keep, or 2) the article actually DOES answer the question, in which case the headline should simply convey the ANSWER to that question i.e. "charities are killing africa"

I agree. I really don't like them, but sometimes have my feature headlines/standfirsts changed to questions by a colleague who believes that if you answer the question at the top, then people won't feel the need to read on. I think that's rubbish. A strong statement makes me think the writer has something to say. A question makes it sound like a rinkydink phone-in poser that I could have come up with myself.

attempt to connect recent exhibition of high-end fashion with economic news

Attempt to connect anything and everything with the recession.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onionmagazine_archive_124a.jpg

"Well, I guess I'm part of the modern world now.

My daughter had told me about this Facebook thing..."

Attempt to connect anything and everything with the recession

This is all over the media

Gritty photos and first hand stories of street children in Lebanon/Palestine/Colombia.

"My Favourite Holiday Destinations"

Never Butlins/Florida/Tenerife/etc. Always singapore.

Astonishingly expensive modernist designer furniture.

How (middle-aged actress) bounced back

Horrible clothes modelled by anorexic young women

At least one article delving into unusual lineage of mainstream politican (pictured standing in front of a Titian).

Or, alternatively, in a study surrounded by books.

Stock "glamorous young celebrity (preferably female)" used to tenuously illustrate a feature.

Anxious article on why British theatre isn't reflecting these times of recession which simultaneously complains about alleged sexism/racism/homophobia/socialism/political correctness in British plays which reflect these times of recession.

Computer whiz/star of local high school production of "Fiddler On The Roof" is accepted to Yale.

Pictures of Christina Hendricks arriving at social event/film premiere in hourglass figure-hugging dress.

Oh, and lots of theatre reviews. London ones only, of course.

reviews of 'reasonable and realistic' wines that you will never drink that are alternatives to wines you have never drunk

have you not confused g2 with curtis's board?

xposts

Many articles in which the poker-faced official style of the front page is dropped for gushy human interest stories.

Diet/exercise/skincare regime of unthreateningly nice male actor/pop star.

Victoria Coren.

Shit fact-boxes.

breezy sociability

trend piece explicitly based on the number of times a certain word has appeared in nexis searches

stunning photography undermined by flaccid text

Double-page spread outlining differences between chav/goth/emo/nu-raver/scene kid for benefit of confused parents.

local news?

Features reacting to the day's news with 1000 words of hastily written pish that's supposed to illustrate how this is a trend in society.

Several page-long interview with MIA/Santogold/Little Boots/Tori Amos/her out of Florence and the Machine with minimal focus on music.

Story about various illnesses/deaths etc suffered by writer or writer's spouse/relatives and how writer coped

utterly worthless articles about babies

trend piece explicitly based on the number of times a certain word has appeared in nexis searches

Worse still, a Google search. Though this seems to finally be going the way of the "The dictionary defines x as ...".

actually that's incorrect. what i meant to say:

articles about what it's like to be a well-off journalist parent

xpost

Very large, close-up picture of a glass of wine with light streaming through it.

Features in which a bumbling writer becomes something for the day.

articles about what it's like to be a well-off journalist parent

Some of those have been sounding more desperate of late (Sandy Banks in the LA Times, Michele Singletary at the Washington Post, etc. -- all are saying things like "Well I'd like to pay for my kid's college funds but um er.")

writer revisits hometown, sighs inchoately

"get the look"

lipstick prices

christmas edition: "traditional... with a twist"

You forgot to add "oh wait."

I added it, then took it out again for maximum fill-in-the-blanks potential.

i.e. 12 pages of cartoons (xp)

Humourous weekly dissection of modern relationships that bears no resemblance to any relationship you've ever been in.

"A recent report by X recommends we all get rid of our toilets/dress in leaves/ride horse instead of bikes.
Our reporter Johnny Twatt tried it for a day in North London"

Smartarse TV review column that thinks it's Clive James written by someone who has never actually read Clive James' columns.

Humourous, obviously faked 'social experiment' by feature writer (ie could you live in woods for a month, could you survive for a week on a fiver, could you do an actual job) accompanied by ego-boosting, painfully staged photos of said feature-writer going about their utterly pointless task.

Mark E. Smith/Shane MacGowan/John Hurt: Still Pissed

Photos of "well-dressed" young women in the street and short blurb on who they are and what they're wearing - but only young women in London, of course

neo-burlesque
"London's trendy..."

in every bizarre magazine ever

The week in cartoons

christmas edition: "traditional... with a twist"

full marks

In this issue: desultory bits of crap that fall out of this magazine and onto your floor

at least one headline that insinuates something about sex

Naked athlete(s)

A puzzle that looks a bit like sudoku but actually involves letters that when ordered in a certain way, spell out the names of Shakespearean heroines, and if you do this puzzle everyday for a whole week, you can win a free copy of a book that you don't particularly want to read.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Lifeandhealth/Pix/pictures/2007/01/15/jh.jpg

DVD reviews of movies that came out in the cinema six months ago.

Fading media personality reconnects with the countryside

special five star rating system

pushy cheer

photo of lone wind turbine against a bleak but beautiful rural/coastal backdrop

Columnist recounts vaguely depressing anecdote related to his/her obviously failing marriage. Maybe a UK thing.

"quick hits"

Inappropriate deployment of the first person plural.

http://whatscooking.us/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/pear1.jpghttp://www.temple-of-flora.com/images/500/decorated_letter_e_500.jpg http://www.nicholsfam.org/vacations/midwest2001B/images/DSC04726.JPG

Nice pear

nope.

http://www.expertalpacashearing.com/images/electric_shear.jpghttp://www.grand-illusions.com/acatalog/puzzle_lock.jpg http://www.anglesey.info/Rhondda%20Terraced%20Houses.jpg

(etc)

Lamakey Terrace

The story of the prolonged battle between a neighborhood association/historical society and one man who wants to modify his property.

Perry Mason!

I never get these things usually...

Sherlock Holmes!

I'm on a roll...

What, you mean the first one isn't Fruity Truman?

Comment about the public and media reaction to X Reality TV Sensation, because the columnist really really wants to talk about the show itself but that would be too vulgar and tabloid.

Upper-middle-class woman tells of how she has been ruined by the recession, neglects to mention millionaire husband
(formerly: Upper-middle-class woman tells of how she became a property millionaire, neglects to mention million-pound mortgage)

Reporter investigates what things are like 'out of London' by spending afternoon in Ealing Broadway

Inside back page, Radio Times
My kind of day with the actors and actresses

rude article by child of famous person

Futile complaining masked as explanation of everyday problem; actual causes and possible solutions remain elusive.

One single cartoon strip, orphaned from funny pages.

Earnest and accessible young musician who's really making waves - never to be heard from again.

Beloved painter/Well-known Broadway show/King Tut comes to the (institution)!

1) Alan Shearer
2) Peter Bonetti

(i.e. last week's answers)

An advert that looks like a feature.

A full page advert for a exactly one type of beige trousers.

a shitload of sidebars

standfirsts that say "forget x, do y" because saying "x is the new y" is played out.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onionmagazine_archive_165a.jpg

a+