Your Personality

To what extent does it change from situation to situation? Are you quiet with some people and loud/extroverted with others? What about in work?

I find I am hugely different depending on who I'm with, but my hunch would be that this is normal. On the other hand I sometimes wonder if some people are better at having a regular self and hence don't get frustrated when in work or other places where you have to be low key.

What about you?

I more or less have a consistent personality but when I was younger I was quiet and dour when with my schoolfriends/girls and jokey and cheery when I was with my drinking buddies. I've kind of melded the two now.

i believe it's a variant of code switching. you react to your environment, which is totally normal. some people are obviously more dominant personalities and probably tend to be the ones to whose styles people adapt rather than doing the adapting themselves.

i'm calm, articulate and fairly confident with colleagues at work, although i tend to be more reserved with clients. with my bf, i'm wildly oversensitive but also really passionate. with my friends, probably a combination of those two personalities.

i found out this week that i can use the work persona in personal situations as well, in negotiating the purchase of a flat at quite a good price (if i do say so myself)

i am generally painfully shy at first, which leads people to think i am being bitchy or am not friendly and probably prohibits me from developing a lot of connections from the start. after i am more comfortable with people, i tend to talk too much, to the point that i worry i am annoying. this probably applies to work and social situations.

i am generally much more confident/outgoing in work situations than social though (see how popular are you? thread).

i am generally painfully shy at first, which leads people to think i am being bitchy or am not friendly and probably prohibits me from developing a lot of connections from the start. after i am more comfortable with people, i tend to talk too much, to the point that i worry i am annoying.

This is me, although I am less shy nowadays than I used to be. Which probably just means I'm annoying more often.

yes, i have grown leaps and bounds with my shyness, but the insecurity still lingers in the back of my head.

pretty much this what tehresa says

but i'm pretty sure i'm consistent with the various different peoples I engage with. in recent months many of my friends from university and where i grew up have converged on london and finally met each other; all seem surprised to note that i'm pretty much the same obnoxious mf no matter who i'm with.

i'm still relatively reserved with work folks though which has, i think, to do with my lowly position within the hierachy and the fact that I still don't feel entirely comfortable around many of them.

not that i'm by any means calling tehresa an obnoxious mf btw

I try to find a variant of my "normal" self for every situation -- otherwise I would just shun some kinds of people/activities and feel uncomfortable faking pleasantries for other people or trying to be unnoticeable. An ongoing project, really. And not always possible anyway, if you want to have much variety in your activities. But having different "selves" is just...ugh. So alienating.

recently: my work situation has been super fucked up/soul crushing so i feel like the confidence has also taken a hit and i've become meeker in work situations. trying to just ride this one out though and go back to kicking ass for next professional steps.

i think in large groups i tend to be a lot quieter.

i am generally painfully shy at first, which leads people to think i am being bitchy or am not friendly and probably prohibits me from developing a lot of connections from the start. after i am more comfortable with people, i tend to talk too much, to the point that i worry i am annoying.

this is me too in social situations around new people. what do you know, a third personality.

I'm not very shy at all, but I am getting a helluva lot better at knowing when to let someone else do the talking. Mind you, I'm the kinda guy who gets chatty with strangers on public transport as a matter of course...they never really seem to mind.

I am super reserved at work and often find it hard to get to know people, or to act in a way which I feel constitutes being myself.

It's sort of odd because my personality with my friends is quite extroverted. Sometimes I feel strange when I suppress this in a work situation as I guess I'm used to getting to know people by being funny or making jokes. Some workplaces aren't conducive to that.

From friend to friend I think I am probably quite similar. I guess amongst some groups of friends I might be more of a dominant person and if there are other people like this around I can be quieter.

A similar question, do you tend to prefer being in a group of people or hanging out with one or two close friends?

i think you're pretty shy xp

recently: my work situation has been super fucked up/soul crushing so i feel like the confidence has also taken a hit and i've become meeker in work situations. trying to just ride this one out though and go back to kicking ass for next professional steps.

yeah my last job was so much like this, I'm unemployed now but I felt so out of place in my last job that I'd almost rate friendly co-workers as the biggest thing I want from my next one. something about working somewhere you don't fit in that really does sap confidence. this was v weird for me as i'm used to being pretty confident with people.

I came to an understanding that all the variants of my personality are still "me" no matter what, and that as long as I didn't do anything I found too disagreeable with any company, it wasn't a problem.

I'm not very shy in real life, although I do often think things over a little before plunging in headfirst xxp

i am generally painfully shy at first, which leads people to think i am being bitchy or am not friendly and probably prohibits me from developing a lot of connections from the start. after i am more comfortable with people, i tend to talk too much, to the point that i worry i am annoying. this probably applies to work and social situations.

― class act, thanks bro (tehresa), Monday, 23 February 2009 15:24 (22 minutes ago)

me too. also, sometimes with new people i try to overcompensate for shyness and say things that are stupid and not welcome in conversation. it's a good effort but perhaps it'd be better for people to think i was bitchy than that i was trying too hard. at least among the "not friendly" judgments there have been a couple "...and therefore interestingly mysterious!" interpretations....

also, i work in customer service, and i *definitely* have a fake persona that i can literally switch on and off in about two seconds. my fake persona smiles and laughs more and is more outgoing. i think maybe the "trying too hard" in social situations is an attempt to apply the customer service persona outside its useful context.

I try and be as open and gregarious as possible with pretty much everyone I come into contact with - how successful I am with this really depends on whether I'm in the mood, rather than the people I'm with.

My fake "nice" persona is borrowed from my mother, because I spent years listening to her be incredibly kind and thoughtful to old, slow, and/or boring people everywhere we went. I use it a lot with the highland performances, because we tend to have audiences of people that are...terribly earnest and chatty and frequently much older than us. It's kind of stifling to divert any direct questions and pretend to have no opinions and just nod and smile at everyone, though.

i have developed a very good fake nice persona because of working in the arts demands that you are nice to everyone who might have an inkling of donating even $5 to your org.

i used to have several different personality codes, or at least, they used to be more distinct and varied, but right now my behavior at work, with friends, on the internet, with my parents, is fairly closely-matched

Sometimes my inability to think of anything to say to other people is so complete that I'm not even sure if my personality is "shy" or if I just plain don't have one at all.

I really have no idea how I come across to other people though; once someone I thought I was always pretty chatty and upbeat around said something about me being abnormally withdrawn, and meanwhile I tend to feel like a nervous wreck but more than once people have described me as so laidback I'm more or less unconscious. I guess if you're so worried about everything that you won't even talk about it then it looks much the same to everyone else as not worrying about anything.

sincerity factor goes up to 11 when i'm with people i don't know. it's the one major difference in my behaviour when i'm with friends, where it's definitely in minus figures. at work it's usually about a 5. being talkative is a constant throughout.

i tailor my personal brand to the client's needs.

You become MORE sincere with people you don't know? Does that just mean you're very sarcastic and jokey with friends?

yeah. sincerity is a forced frame of mind for me.

i think i am often too sincere, and too forthcoming. i should learn to be more guarded.

Something I've noticed at a couple of places I've worked is that if you are outgoing and sociable and get along well with people, some people will hate you for this. It took me awhile to figure it out. So around these people I make a special effort to be more boring or something. The "damage" is already done though I fear.

(sorry, kind of talking to myself here, I guess that's my personality)
My everyday work persona is more or less just me. I suppose I iron out grumpiness/cattiness/showing off and should probably be more like this everywhere really...

But I feel kind of guilty that I even have this job, because I so totally didn't expect to get it that I went into the job interview thinking, "OK, this one is just practice," and put on what felt like total play-acting of confident candidate. I wonder sometimes if the interview panel are surprised at the difference between me as interviewee vs me as employee, not in terms of skills/competence (that would be too depressing) but whether they ever think "how is the confident smiley woman in a suit the same person as the sullen scruffy woman in the corner".

I guess that's fairly standard though or half the population would be unemployable and nobody would ever work in IT.

xpost I fear I do that a bit, possibly a kneejerk reaction from high school

Yah, sincerity/earnestness can be a lot of work with other v v sincere people. I have to keep cramming a lid on every normal response.

(xpost) Being one of those people who sometimes resents the really outgoing people at work...you don't need to be more boring around the quiet people, just try to include them in conversations sometimes. There are outgoing people at work I don't really try to talk to anymore because I've learned that when there are a few of them in a room, I'm not going to be able to get a word in edgewise.

i think i am often too sincere, and too forthcoming. i should learn to be more guarded.

I am v sarcastic but I tell people everything, tell everyone everything! It's v silly.

x-post Maria yeah I get that too, it is v annoying when you have those conversations at work where it's sort of a hierarchical and only certain people can contribute or say something funny/smart. sometimes has to do with seniority too.

yeah that's exactly it! i'm glad it's not just me.

I am v sarcastic but I tell people everything, tell everyone everything! It's v silly.

omg are you my long lost twin brother?

Well one of these experiences was at a place where I was the lowest person on the totem-pole in the entire office. Completely unbeknownst to me at the time, a posse of guys who worked there - who shared a flat - created a character in their Playstation wrestling game that was "me" and then used the game to kick the shit out of me. But even before that I had gotten the definite vibe that I needed to keep my head down and shut up and let the big nerds dogs have the run of the place.

that's just nonsense

Yeah to be fair that was the most extremely fucked up office environment I have ever been in. (hstencil can tell you more)

i really struggled with hierarchy/seniority when i worked in an office...often it just wouldn't cross my mind, esp when i was dealing with people who were senior to me but not my actual boss, and who had a penchant for being a bit overbearing and bullying. though the time i told a senior manager that i would not tolerate him raising his voice to me again and it turned into a 15-minute shouting match in the middle of the office, my boss was just like "uh you probably shouldn't speak like that to him but you were probably right anyway" later.

i don't think the differences in personality vis-a-vis work and social situations are as much to do with the people involved as what you're focusing on doing - if i was trying to work with friends around me i'd be just as grumpy and sullen as i was in an office, and when i went for drinks with my colleagues i wasn't a million miles away from who i am when i socialise with friends. really, i think the biggest changes in one's personality are the ones you never notice...when i run into friends who i haven't seen for a year or more, they'll often tell me that i've changed in certain ways, which i hadn't even been aware of.

There are outgoing people at work I don't really try to talk to anymore because I've learned that when there are a few of them in a room, I'm not going to be able to get a word in edgewise.

otm - the people who confuse "being sociable" with "being loud and never shutting up" are intolerable! people who are actually good at socialising know that giving the other people in the conversation the space to have their say is key. also another reason i hate them is more selfish - i like to have an active part in leading conversations, i really hate being silent and tapping my toes b/c i have nothing to say, but i'm not loud or impolite enough to be able to cut in on someone who's being loud themselves.

i get along with everyone at my job.

being the only straight guy in the office makes a big difference i think--i avoid both weird macho gender politics and weird female gender politics

not that there arent macho asshole gay dudes, just none who work in my office

Tza is dead on about code-switching. Around certain sets of friends I'll let my guard down and let myself say some really revealing or deep shit, but I might not (say) ever use a curse word around them. I'll speak slowly and kinda contemplatively around these people. There are other really good friends whom I'll greet with "motherfucker!!" that I'll go out of my way to maintain high energy around.

I've got to be superficially outgoing at work given that I work in an industry that requires friendliness and a desire to please, but I tend to crank it to 11 when there's a guest coming to me and then deflate to 2 when they walk away. "*stupid joke* Haha, all right well have a great evening. Hit the Careline button if you need anything? *mug, mug* Night! *smile fades, i take a sip of my water and take a breath and look back down at my monitor*"

There are certain coworkers I have nothing to say to. There are other ones who the security cam has caught me doing Happy Prospector Dances with at 8am.

Like one friend will tell you I'm a quiet dude. Another will tell you I'm hilarious. Another will tell you she doesn't really get me. etc

thinking more about the initial shyness thing, in some situations i am just very quiet, but in others i think i overcompensate by trying to be funny or witty (which generally just comes off as awkward). i think both of these are what result in people getting a weird, bitchy impression of me at first.

hoosisamystery.gif

i feel u on that people-think-im-a-bitch thing t, not me personally but a lot of my female friends, a lot of peoples attitude seems to be: girl who doesnt talk much around new people=bitch, dude who doesnt talk much=shy

i know ive said this before but my chick catches heat a lot cuz shes real quiet around people she doesnt know and its cause shes so shy but ppl find it bitchy/intimidating

yeah i mean i know she has to be a+ to be yr girl, but she did come off a little standoffish when i first met her!

and usually it turns out fine! so dumb Young Morbius.

the anxiety about talking to strangers at parties is by far my #1 dumbest and least well founded anxiety and unfortunately also one of my worst

yeah i've gotten a little better w/ that over the years. it's much easier when there's no attempt at romance involved

actually i find myself way less anxious about chatting up girls than about trying to make friends!

not that ive chatted up girls in a while

why am i using the phrase chatting up girls

i must have caught l0u1s jagg3r

Parties require a host or other active-minded person who does the legwork to get people talking via his/her knowledge of their common interests etc - it sounds very Miss Manners but it makes a gigantic difference to how well a party goes if even one person is like this

I mean it is a bit unfair to just expect guests to strike up conversations with absolute strangers - it's most peoples' least favorite thing in the world

if you said "chatting up birds" you'd be Michael Caine in Alfie

xxp

i basically never think about my personality and it works okay mostly. i think i thought too much too often about how i come across i would be crippled by self-loathing

xpost

Parties require a host or other active-minded person who does the legwork to get people talking via his/her knowledge of their common interests etc

yah i really like having parties or going out with different groups and just a simple heads-up type intro establishing common ground helps makes things way less awkward

i'm rarely that person but i enjoy doing it when the chance arises

xp

why am i using the phrase chatting up girls

― max, Monday, February 23, 2009 6:51 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

what would 'er indoors say?

i am a FANTASTIC host btw and not a very good guest unless im drunk

lol @ how every thread about self/personality/consciousness on ilx turns into a discussion of our individual social anxieties

we all a buncha aspies, basically.

party @ max's tnite

its a bit small & u have to take the a all the way out to utica, but ur all welcome there any time

i got a bit fed up with talking to new people (mainly at parties/social gatherings but also at work, generally) recently because it tends to not really go anywhere and i seem to have less patience for small talk. but more than that i keep getting this huge feeling of sadness inside whenever i do hit it off with people (or maybe not even that but just getting the impression that they seem like good people to kiw) only to not see them again for ages (if at all). part of this is overwhelming big city life+all the online socialising maybe, and unrealistic expectations. this is all a vicious circle tho, plus a reaction to some frustration i feel about not being able to see many of the people i click with best very often at all due to various reasons. i still do it tho of course (what's the alternative?), and am a lot less shy/more confident than i was in the past (altho still some way to go).

what goes wrong when trying to make friends

chatting up girls > bagging chicks (which i heard at work the other day, from a couple high school kids who work weekends). someone asked what exactly "bagging chicks" means, and one of them said, "you know, getting to know a girl really well...getting her number...."

aw that's so cute and innocent

It's cute and innocent that they know enough not to tell people they work with that their definition of "bagging chicks" is "sticking it in their pooper"?

i think at least one of them hasn't had much success in actually bagging chicks by either definition....

:\ maybe i am the innocent one

but i'd like to think high school kids are still excited just about talking to girls, so you know, maybe i am too dreamy.

my theory is they want to sound really macho and experienced but actually are still excited just about talking to girls. i don't know if it's a true theory, but i like it!

being the only straight guy in the office makes a big difference i think--i avoid both weird macho gender politics and weird female gender politics

haha this

i found all of you (max, tza, ari) easy to talk to for a first time, but maybe that's because i am a social superstar.

or a lush

its also because we have such a deep & lasting bond j

fwiw jergs, i was horrendously nervous about meeting you!

and felt like i talked wayyyy too much

I think my personality fluctuates quite a bit. I can be animated and get a long really well with some people, and some people I just don't click with at all, and can't think of any way to engage with them (and assume they hate me). With large groups of people I'm either bored and sullen, or I'm a bit OTT, there's no middle ground, which sucks to be honest. It'd be nice to be a bit more consistent, you know maybe quiet but nice, which was probably my default years back (but didn't exactly get me anywhere).

Another side of my personality is the super-pessimistic, super-sarcastic side that comes out a lot around really close friends. I have a pretty deadpan, dark sense of humor that's easily misinterpreted, so I try not to let it out at work or around new people, but one of the drawbacks to moving around a lot after college and becoming less shy is that I sometimes start assuming new friends know me better than they do. It's actually bothered a couple people who have taken it seriously.

this happens to me a lot!

we are like the same person!

I hafta admit once I passed 40, i started to think "OK, I know enough people. Stop."

i think for me, the essence remains the same no matter the situation, it's just the style that changes, if that makes sense - but i think that's probably the same for most people, and is really a function of living in society; you can't possibly express yourself in identical ways to your closest friends, parents, coworkers, clients/customers.

haha morbz i feel that way at 29

I fear my seemingly nice demeanor is actually a hoax. My snarky/sarcastic comments are proof of what's really going on underneath. heehee

http://www.impawards.com/1983/posters/zelig.jpg

Definitely come across pretty differently in different situations. I have not so much a theory as a CONCEPT of social space as managed through etiquette being key to identity and at work and similar I'm pretty polite and relaxed but it comes from being detached and giving ppl a lot of room. A lot of people I meet like that are pretty slow to warm up to me and I've had people tell me they didn't know what to make of me at first. I can be pretty gregarious and love tagging along to a good party a little drunk and socialising w/friends of friends. Maybe it all just comes down to energy levels but when there's a good time being had I take the initiative more, get all welcoming, chat a lot of over the top shit about stuff and get enthusiastic about all plans/potential adventures. With my oldest and best mates the preferred activity is reducing each other to tears in mixed company to embarass them.
I can get awkward and really apologetic when being really polite to people, especially those who are older or intensely foreign, who are asking a lot of questions which I end up trying to answer too sincerely. But when I'm vaguely prepared I normally enjoy talking to new people. Thinking about it I probably feel weirdest/come across most different posting shit online cos I have no way of gauging people or properly interacting, but it's still decent overall.

Another side of my personality is the super-pessimistic, super-sarcastic side that comes out a lot around really close friends. I have a pretty deadpan, dark sense of humor that's easily misinterpreted, so I try not to let it out at work or around new people, but one of the drawbacks to moving around a lot after college and becoming less shy is that I sometimes start assuming new friends know me better than they do. It's actually bothered a couple people who have taken it seriously.

YES...jesus christ this happens me so often. the worst thing is I think that side of personality can be a real crutch. I met a very good friend on Friday who has a new gf and he was asking me about how looking for a job is going and without even intending it I came across like ultra grim, the worst part is when people find it funny and I keep doing it and then I think they think I'm actually that negative, esp cos when being sarcastic I say things I don't even mean but often people think you do mean them.

"I am v sarcastic but I tell people everything, tell everyone everything! It's v silly.

― Local Garda, Monday, 23 February 2009 16:54 (5 hours ago) Bookmark"

omg are you my long lost twin brother?

http://thumbnails.hulu.com/8/700/25211_512x288_manicured__hvnWtv68FUq-fLikbxyMZA.jpg

Someone asked me today if amusement parks make me maudlin. YES. YES THEY DO. This person doesn't know me well but has keen insight into my personality, I would say.

Or maybe I'm just the maudlin type and anyone could ask, "Does softball make you maudlin?" "Does breaking a wishbone make you maudlin?" "Do balloons make you maudlin?" And I would think, yes, yes, how did you know?

doing acting classes at the moment for about 5 hours a week, and on the way home one night one of the other students was telling me how she feels v shy at the start but then the classes get her all hyped up and when she gets home she's all energetic etc. and my experience is the polar opposite, the class makes me introverted and thoughtful in a way i like, and stops me being talkative/rash.

After reading some probably bogus pop psychology article in the Guardian a while back, I decided I am a shy extrovert. I'm always keen to hang out/party with friends (esp given my solitary day job) and make new friends, but if I'm at a social event where I don't know anyone I will just stand in the corner and stare at the wall rather than approach somebody. I'm also very quick to decide that the person I'm talking to isn't going to find me interesting and then find a way to autodestruct the conversation. The only way I know to counteract my shyness is alcohol, and that hasn't always ended well (though even my parents have told me I'm better company after a few drinks).

^^^ Wrote the above before reading the whole thread, seems like my profile isn't atypical on ILX...

I'd kinda like to see a Myers-Briggs breakdown of ILX. I have a feeling that my type (I(sometimes E)NFP) isn't terribly prevalent here, but I'd wager that a lot of the people here that I feel most simpatico with are of a similar bent.

pretty sure there's at least one dedicated Meyers-Briggs thread

here's one of them:

Is ILX run by NFs?

I've been hit with an MBTI questionaire at least three times (usually for job interviews). Twice I was an ENFJ, once an ENFP. Apparently I cling the line real closely on the judging/perceiving thing, near 50%. But I pegged the meter at 100% extroversion at least once....