Who are all these bright, thrusting young executive types? Oh hang on, I have got the wrong side on! THE APPRENTICE (UK) 2009 thread.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/08/entertainment_enl_1237286503/img/1.jpg

guy to left of suralan: this facial expression

girl next to him: People Who Smirk

profiles here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/apprentice/candidates.shtml

Right, quick/dirty winners/losers summary, based on kneejerk impression and their one-line profile coming up.

Actually, last years newspaper cutting version had a bit more info. Might wait.

Ah hell:

Plonkers: Phillip

This yr's curly redhead: Paula

RuffDiamond: James Mc

Overcome great obstacles worked way up look possible winner: Lorraine

(Not that I'm nailing my guesses here, just slotting them into the trad archetypes)

no talent this year then.

Another po-faced bunch who take themselves to seriously and have no idea that what they're saying is hilarious...

If I don't go far down this route I shall go far down another route.

Wha?

I think that business is the backbone to this world. Without companies buying and selling there wouldn't be any economy.

Daaaaaaahhmm Skippy!

Business is the new rock 'n' roll and I'm Elvis Presley

^^^ odds are that he'll be found dead on the toilet during Week 3...

Business is about a simple formula. Make more than you spend.

Daaaaaaaaaaahhmmm Skippy Mk II

Ben looks like the actor from the UK version of "Queer As Folk". And who calls their child, or possibly themselves, Rocky? I'm betting that "Eye Of The Tiger" and/or "I Can Make You A Man" gets played at least once during the series.

Ben Clarke: bellend

Ben looks like the actor from the UK version of "Queer As Folk".

<wire spoiler>And we know what a mess he made of running Baltimore</wire spoiler>

rebellious stockbroker who considers himself to be ruthless and money-obsessed.
yeah, that'll show all those other stockbrokers, they really hate money.

Does Hugh Hefner prefer making money to sex?

Cricket fanatic Anita is a qualified lawyer and self-confessed perfectionist. Anita hopes, one day, to complete a chick-lit novel and launch a new business providing emotional, psychological and spiritual therapy.

i'm guessing she means finish writing one, but you never know.

Rocky is this year's youngest candidate and already earns more than the salary on offer from Sir Alan. He left school at 16 to pursue a football career with Middlesbrough United but was soon diagnosed with arthritis making it impossible to continue. A year later, Rocky decided to start up a lucrative sandwich business which now includes 15 shops across the North East of England.

OK, meet this year's "If win, will quit" early exitbod fire-ee.

Ben Clarke: bellend

This is my pick for a) an early bath, and b) being roundly despised by the public for being a yuppie wanker. "with what he describes as a raw hunger to make as much money as possible" - not a good look in downturn Britain. Even Sralan has the sense to be billed as "a millionaire" on this year's Comic Relief Apprentice, rather than "blah blah personal fortune worth £800 million".

RuffDiamond: James Mc

I sort of disagree with this - maybe he'll turn out that way, but his profile makes him out to be an idiot:

Family man James describes himself as a 'schmoozer' who people feel comfortable around. So he's never seen the famous clip where AlSug says "I hate schmoozers"? Guarantee that this will get picked up on the first time he's in the boardroom on the losing team.

would love to have been the brains behind The A-Team. WTF?!

Does he mean Stephen J. Cannell or George Peppard?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/apprentice/images/_uploads/images/candidates/paulajones_large.jpg

would smash

There's always one that our Amber identifies with, until the contestant proves to be totally barking. Paula may be better than last years nutter (We saw her in Brighton once, stopping traffic to ask directions and giving the edriver a nice big kiss as thanks!)

Check the trailer on the website - SAS walks into a trashed boardroom to the strains of ABBA's "The Winner Takes It All". Even more so that last year, this looks like it's going to be a rack-'em-up-smack-'em-down series.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/apprentice/images/_uploads/images/candidates/paulajones_large.jpg
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_R9K3ReRlin8/SRr82z8_9ZI/AAAAAAAAAR4/CZVJjnICxxQ/s400/debra_messing400.jpg

Lookout:

Born in Staffordshire, Kate is confident and resilient with what she describes as an ability to develop and sustain business relationships at all levels. The indie music fan lists cooking, snowboarding and gym workouts as passions she pursues with relentless enthusiasm. Although she regrets not applying to Oxbridge, Kate continues to be a highly motivated and ambitious professional with an educated opinion on most issues. She admires the ballsy approach to business of Sex & The City's Samantha.

She says: "My CV speaks for itself. I've always excelled academically and I have really achieved within a corporate environment across sales, marketing and a number of different aspects of business."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/apprentice/images/_uploads/images/candidates/katewalsh_large.jpg
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y161/MarkGrout/indie.jpg

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7948783.stm

oh.

The women's team is called Ignite.

The men's team is called Empire.

They sound like Lynx fragrances...

"Dudes, attract the ladies by dousing yourself in the chemical stench of new Empire and Ignite!"
Neither of which would appeal to SAS as I suspect that he's a Brut man

Actually, if the women had called their team "Foundation", I could have made a lame Asimov joke...

Yasmina looks like Wednesday Addams! Especially in the group photo!

I want her to win.

I haven't read ANY of the blurbs so as not to gain preconceptions. Bring it on!

Actually they all come across as equally awful.

Argh, I want to kill them all already.

Empire: it's 'distinctly British'

haha, OMG, £100 to clean a car?! Are you MENTAL?

carbon copy of last year's "we'll clean a pillowcase for a fiver" nonsense.

carbon copy of last year's "we'll clean a pillowcase for a fiver" nonsense.

ya beat me to it. £300. ha.

Seriously, do NONE of these thrusting young execs have a car? Or eyes?

The cars are actually worse than before they started!

A squint at the opening montage seemed to yield no Howard. And the programme thus far suggests that there's a reason for that.

(i.e. he fired)

RONG!

theer will be blood.

Oh.

Well, I think Mona and Kate are being set up as adversaries, but both definitely appeared in t'montage... Guessing: pulled up on costing, the lawyer gets it.

Anita? She's got a really odd range of facial expressions which I could see myself being entertained by.

Montage is setting up the assumption that Debra Must Go. I don't think she will though.

Hmmm, Mona blames Debra for managing a crap team, but still brings Anita back on Debra's recommendation? you wot?

Yawn.

These tasks always fall to bits because everyone is trying to be chief; so when one of them does what's she's told, even though it's barking, she gets shot. Hm.

Is Carol Vorderman being paid a bonus every time she says "obviously"?

Anita's evidently watched some tapes of herself before going on You're Fired, where she seems smiley and happy and aware of the fact that perma-glum is not a good look on her.

"My gut feeling is telling me something" Alan always says this! I reckon there's a little man inside operating the exo-skeleton.

Also, please business people stop giving 110% and just like do some thinking or something.

Yasmina - I think that she's going to be the winner.

― snoball, Thursday, 16 April 2009

Well done you.

Based just on that task she totally deserved to win, only thing that let her down was having to choose the flavours in an hour. As they said, with a little more time they could have nailed the concept. Kate did nail her concept but wouldn't have got any sales.

(xpost) ta very much, but I've flipped over to watch BB eviction #1...

Also in (what they showed us of) the boardroom she shined, kate was all just 'I wanna be a directorrrrr!!!"

To be fair, Sug did give Yasmina something to argue against when he started talking about her restaurant.

Yasmina looks like Wednesday Addams! Especially in the group photo!

I want her to win.

― Orin Boyd (jel --), Wednesday, March 25, 2009 7:51 PM (2 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Should've trusted my gut instinct.

Aye, I thought Yasmina did well in the boardroom tonight, Kate's unflappability and general sussedness let her down massively. xpost

Ruby Wax is making me feel sorry for Philip. There's cruel-but-funny and there's totally fucking mean.

OMG YASMINA WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OK so what did Wax say? Tea being made...

Ach, just congratulating Kate on shagging-then-dumping, asking Kate what she ever saw in him etc. The kind of thing we're all thinking, but without actually saying it over and over again right in front of his face.

I didn't realise I could loathe Ruby Wax more than I did already.

The comment to Margaret -- "Are you pregnant?" -- was shockingly stupid, too. The woman is not and never has been funny and I really do wish she'd fuck off.

Mind, she's made Jonathan Ross look almost bearable, which these days is going some.

Yasmina's been my crush of shame all series.

Woo, SrAlan, "so called" credit crunch, well noticed.

That'll stand him in good stead in the new job.

i think i prefer, you're fired to the show itself

Aye, employing people who can't count, people who lie on their CV - that's the man to lead us out of the "so called" credit crunch. yay.

xpost

I would have called the chocolates "Shockolat". I was yelling this at my telly last night, but they didn't take any notice of me.

Also : Kate's top lip seems to have a life of its own.

I would have called the chocolates "Shockolat"

... which, interestingly, was also one of the many rejected suggestions by Ben for Kate's team, no?

Yasmina didn't seem to get picked up on her bullshit about "we've had positive feedback from everyone - especially for the strawberry and basil!", when one guy practically threw it up.

... which, interestingly, was also one of the many rejected suggestions by Ben for Kate's team, no?

Oh, was it? I didn't watch the whole of last night's programme so must have missed that bit! I've gone off the name a bit now I know Ben though of it too!

Ben also suggested "69" as a name for the chocolates!

Thing is, Shockolat would have been an A++ name for Yasmina's ... and a fucking terrible one for Kate's. Pretty much everything Ben says is horseshit ... I guess he figures that if he talks enough, there might be the odd nugget of almost-sense in there.

Also: yeh, Y's bare-faced lying about the chocolates was a bit O_o. Even if there was tonnes of positive feedback that we just didn't get to see (which I doubt), the fact remains that a heap of folk -- including, umm, Yasmina and Howard -- were deeply unconvinced.

Again, though: the more I see of how Alan Sugar operates, the more that Amstrad PC2286 I had in the late 1980s makes sense.

Thing is I think it was actually James who came up with that and Yasmina told him it sounded terrible.

Summary: Every fired apprentice left saying a variation on "It's been a pleasure/thank you for the opportunity/etc"

Just needed one dude to go "Internet Phones" then leg it.

Wasn't Yasmina largely responsible for the sandlewood/cedarwood balls-up?

Thing is I think it was actually James who came up with that and Yasmina told him it sounded terrible

Oh, really? Wow, I could have sworn it was Ben. Ah well: ignore me.

Doesn't stop Ben being a penis, mind.

When he was in the car saying "I've got an idea" (but before he said "69") and he was scribbling on a pad I was half expecting him to suggest that the box should look like a giant penis or something.

Which would be fitting, given that he looks li ... oh, it's not even worth it.

is this the first time someone so nakedly unpleasant (cf. "i am ruthless.." "i'll trample anyone to get where i want to be.." happily serving up dirtcheap nasty crap in two food tasks) has won? even when the winners have been totally undeserved like that dopey lee mcqueen guy, they've at least had some humanity, yasmina is someone i'd go out of my way NOT to do business with. and in part 2 of my 'contestants who resemble fictional characters' she looks like:
http://www.virginmedia.com/images/SnowWhite.jpg

and i know most of the contestants come out with that kind of crap at the start but none said it with as much conviction - and KEPT saying it right to the end - as yasmina.

would love to have heard the trufax about her business accounts - mean interviewer guy said her profit was far from the 4% she claimed, but never gave specifics

I got the impression from some other numbers mentioned at the time, the profit was closer to 3.5%

happily serving up dirtcheap nasty crap in two food tasks
is it a surprise that this endeared her to lord amstrad? She made a 200% margin on them and his eyes lit up.

Good old email marketing....

Hi Mark,
Suffering withdrawal from The Apprentice? It's not all over yet. Welcome to LateRooms.com's Apprentice. We've selected 14 hotels out of a potential 22, 000. We've judged them on budget, character, originality and value for money. And we can assure you they're the best of the best - it's up to you to pick the winner.

so near to a massive promotional injection : coco electrik

Wasn't Yasmina largely responsible for the sandlewood/cedarwood balls-up?

Yes, yes she was.

It was James who came up with Shockolat for Yasmina's team, yes. We were hooting too much at Ben's continued obsession with sex to pay much attention to anything else about the whole naming concepts though. Dude's totally one of these guys who talks about sex all the time because he's not actually getting any. Kate's "I'm not going into a room full of professionals to talk about 69s" was an extremely reasonable response, tbh. I'd have just punched him.

I swear that every brainstorming session on that series started with Ben saying "let's go down a sexual route..."

Something that might have 'dun it it' for Debra.

According to Private Eye, there was a suspicious number of buyers for the 'wacky scarf' thing on that 'shopping channel' task, it turned out to be Debra's parents who had been secretly called by Debra herself....

Yeah, that broke at the time. She was reprimanded by the production team for phoning her parents, but not penalised. The follow-up investigation found about three minutes of calls to Ideal World from her parents' home number. Based on that, it's hard to see how it could have generated enough to win that task though (although, yes, ringing round, other people etc).

If you recall, that week was possibly Debra's best - she had been coming in for stick every other week but came out of the shopping channel task with glowing reports from SAS. Ultimately, what dun for Debra was Debra.

Her 'psychic' skills were mocked on the Apprentice. But Lorraine Tighe's instinct saved her daughter from meningitis

‘Theo came back just after midnight and I stirred slightly, but then at 4am I was woken by a dreadful, low-pitched moan.

‘The noise struck fear into my heart. I jumped out of bed and ran into Alexia’s room. She was awake but making this terrible noise - it sounded like an animal in distress. As I picked her up, I felt her burning up with a high temperature.

‘Instinctively, I knew something was very wrong.

Yeah, er, not exactly psychic...

Jeremy Hunt.

Right, let's just ponder that name for a bit.

In the letter to Sir Michael Lyons, who is chairman of the BBC's governing body, Mr Hunt said: "Rather than set my mind at ease, the justifications for allowing Sir Alan to take up his government role given by the director general actually makes things worse.

"Having therefore now exhausted the complaints procedure with the BBC, I would now like to make a number of official complaints to the BBC Trust about a breach of editorial guidelines."

He added: "I honestly believe that having a prominent member of the government fronting a programme about the same set of issues his position relates to, is a direct breach of the much needed political independence of the BBC."

'Unpaid post'

On Thursday, Mr Hunt called Sir Alan's role "totally incompatible" with BBC rules and "an outrageous piece of media management".

"Slipping this letter out when the media is focused on MPs' expenses is simply staggering," said Mr Hunt, adding that the BBC director general's justifications for retaining Sir Alan were "riddled with inconsistencies".

etc.

Coup de grace:

MP Jeremy Hunt ready to defend his expenses - News - getsurrey
SOUTH West Surrey MP Jeremy Hunt has come under fire from constituents for claiming £37000 over three years for a second home in Farnham.
www.getsurrey.co.uk/.../2051301_mp_jeremy_hunt_ready_to_defend_his_expenses - Cached - Similar -

Enjoy your last year as an MP, fucker...

Just a heads up for next series. It's looking highly likely that my friend and old housemate H3l3n is going to be a contestant. She has been on The Great Pretender with Chris Tarrant, is a professional Charlotte Church lookalike (was featured in one of the national goss rags, like Heat or Closer or something), set up a mini version of "The Apprentice" in our university, and is somehow able to get a first class degree on top of her media career.

If she gets on I'll probably regail you with blurry photos of the two of us in the backs of taxis, or amusing (hopefully non-libellous) anecdotes. Come on H3l3n!

So anyways, we're travelling up the M1 for the second half of the Christmas break, Boxing day, stop off at Tibby for a Starbucks, and who should be in front of us in the queue?

Well, someone wasn't sure.

I sent the kids to get us a table, and myself and wife bring over the drinks/snacks. The couple are at the next table along.

At which point, a lady (who had already sent her husband to 'look' subtly at them), went up to them and ask "I know you from somewhere, don't I?"

To which Philip says "Yes, the Apprentice". To which the lady says "oh. What's that then?"

Eventually, she clicks on and gives them best wishes, and goes back.

"I guess that happens a lot" we say, and we have a friendly chat for a bit before leaving them to their drinks and NOTW.

So Sralan doesn't have all the losing contestants executed and turned into Soylent Greeen then?

Ach, just congratulating Kate on shagging-then-dumping, asking Kate what she ever saw in him etc. The kind of thing we're all thinking, but without actually saying it over and over again right in front of his face.

― ailsa, Sunday, 7 June 2009 21:37 (6 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I should point out that it was Kate that was with him, I was trying to be suttl.

(they are showing another series (5, 2006) of US apprentice quietly two episodes at a time starting tomorrow at midnight. series 4 only finished airing a month ago)