weddings: politics, money and responsibilities

this is a thread for the politics of the weddings in your life -- money, bridal parties, responsibilities, etc.

questions like:
-how much do you spend on a wedding gift? when do you give it to the bride and groom?
-if you're in the bridal party, do you pay for everything yourself (dress, hair, makeup), or if the bride invites you to get ready with her, does she pay for the hair 'n stuff?
-wedding toasts -- how long should they be? how sappy is too sappy -- are they all supposed to be like mini-roasts?

and other stuff

all of this stuff varies widely based upon the individuals getting married and what they're expectations are.

their

-how much do you spend on a wedding gift? when do you give it to the bride and groom?

amount varies according to your means - gifts can be purchased ahead of time through registries and delivered to the wedding party (or to the bride and groom's home following the wedding), or you can just bring them to the wedding yourself. Ms Manners would say if you can't manage to get them one by the date of the wedding, you have up to a year after the wedding to give the married couple a gift.

i can't really imagine bringing the gift to the wedding... unless it's like a check.

do people give checks?

people give all kinds of things. one wedding I went to the bride and groom asked for donations to one of their recommended charities (Doctors Without Borders etc.) instead of gifts. At my wedding my dad's gift to us was to pay for our airfare and hotel for our honeymoon in Amsterdam. It depends on what the couple asks for.

if yr looking for specific answers maybe you should tell us something about this wedding you've been invited to

yea, i just went to a wedding for which the couple registered for all that honeymoon stuff. i guess you always remember your honeymoon so that's cool. but i prefer getting something more tangible, i think.

oh, i just wanted to establish the discussion. i'm at a stage where i'm invited to a lot of weddings, and this kind of thing always comes up. i'm currently involved in a kind of sticky situation regarding a wedding i just went to.

well, there were a few issues, not all involving me. 1) the bride invited her 2 bridesmaids to get ready with her the day of. but 1 of them had already spent a lottt of money on the occasion, including expensive plain fare. so she put it out there, that she couldn't afford that. so the bride ended up paying for everybody's hair and makeup, and moaning about it afterward.

but i prefer getting something more tangible, i think.

registries usually involve lots of tangibles - dishes, kitchen appliances, linen, etc. Is that not what's on their registry?

1) the bride invited her 2 bridesmaids to get ready with her the day of. but 1 of them had already spent a lottt of money on the occasion, including expensive plain fare. so she put it out there, that she couldn't afford that. so the bride ended up paying for everybody's hair and makeup, and moaning about it afterward.

yeah, this happens. suck it up bridezilla.

i went with 2 pieces of art, no registry. we're very close to the couple and felt comfortable doing that.

i mean, it was a LOT of money to ask someone to put up

that's a good decision - its something for their home, and something for both of them (the latter of which is ALWAYS a requirement for wedding presents. Don't just get something that's just for the groom, or just for the bride)

i mean, it was a LOT of money to ask someone to put up

yeah well she maybe shouldn't have offered to pay for everyone's, maybe just the one who'd ponied up the most and was put out by it. Confession: my wife lost a really close friend over a similar issue, one of her bridesmaid's had wanted to come down and help pick out the dress etc. and my wife had offered to pay for her airfare. But the woman then insisted that she bring her husband along (um, why? is he gonna shop for wedding dresses? this was a seriously wtf moment) and that we pay for that, and my wife got pissed - argument ensued, relationship destroyed. Potential bridesmaid was kinda a bitch anyway imho....

ok, then this: my bf and i were also invited to come early, hang out, be prepared for photos. so we did, happily. when we got to the hotel room where the bride was prettying herself, there was a bottle of black label there. 1 of the bridesmaids asked us to get her a cocktail as she was getting makeup. so we opened the bottle.

last night, we go to the couple's house (this is like a month after the wedding), and we give them their gifts. as we're leaving, the hubby in question brings up the scotch, saying the bride's parents were like alll upset about it.

i just felt ticked off about it. maybe it wasn't the smartest move, but to bring it up later seemed petty.

xp - wow, see that really sux. it can get really emotional!

last night, we go to the couple's house (this is like a month after the wedding), and we give them their gifts. as we're leaving, the hubby in question brings up the scotch, saying the bride's parents were like alll upset about it.

unless there was a mini-bar, what else was the bridesmaid expecting you to get her? I don't see how this is really your fault.

also you aren't responsible for their parents. most parents are bound to get upset about something at weddings.

we did the honeymoon registry which was awesome because having lived together for years and years we already had plates and sheets out the wazoo but we didn't really have the $$$ to spend on a honeymoon, especially after paying for wedding stuff. the last thing we wanted was more THINGS

as we're leaving, the hubby in question brings up the scotch, saying the bride's parents were like alll upset about it.

you shouldve said, 'one more word about the black label.... and youll get a black eye'

lol max

can always count on you for the goods

i can't really imagine bringing the gift to the wedding... unless it's like a check.

do people give checks?

I think it also depends on your family background. I made a comment to the girls at work along the lines of 'if you give the present from the registry at the shower, what are you supposed to give at the wedding??' and they all yelled MONEY at me.

^^ Were they from Long Island (or somewhere else around NYC) by any chance? When we got married that's exactly what happened. I got stuff off the registry for the shower and pretty much every single guest just gave checks at the reception. That's actually pretty standard for that area as far as I understand it.

Currently planning our wedding - hoping to avoid these types of dramas. I've offered to pay for the bridesladies' dresses for various reasons. Problem now is, of course, I can't find any that I like under like a million dollars. Crap. French blue is apparently only used by ultra-high end designers.

x-p to Surmounter

-if you're in the bridal party, do you pay for everything yourself (dress, hair, makeup), or if the bride invites you to get ready with her, does she pay for the hair 'n stuff?

Traditionally the BMs pay for dresses themselves. I bought two of mine theirs though because I knew they couldn't afford it. I have no idea about hair/make-up but I feel like if the bride is going to be anal enough to require that these be done professionally then she should either let the wedding party opt out and just do it themselves or pay for it for them.

What is it about weddings that - no offence to any married types here - can turn some people into complete cockheads?

The stories Ive heard, they have firmly put me off weddings, if I ever get married it'll just be sign a bit of paper and "oh btw everyone we married now" later. I dont care how upset my/his parents get.

we are doing a bit of both - quickie marriage in less than 2 weeks, then a very small ceremony next year (pretty much family only)... precisely because i wanted to avoid all the wedding drama! we're also having a wedding brunch, for my fiance's parents' friends: i didn't want a whole bunch of strangers at our wedding, esp because only 3 ppl (4, if uptoeleven turns up like he says he will) standing up for me. but it was important to my future MIL so we compromised on a brunch (confession: they've got $$$ so we figured we'd at least get some cash presents out of it).

and my in-laws just bought us a commercial paper cutter as wedding present! pretty much the greatest gift ever.

What is it about weddings that - no offence to any married types here - can turn some people into complete cockheads?

Familial expectations, advertising, and fucking wedding websites. I rather stupidly started visiting Martha Stewart Weddings dot com to get ideas for decor, and have ended up somehow convinced that if my wedding is not as utterly perfect as the photos she has on her stupid site, then I am worthless as a hostess and as a life partner and as a human. It is so easy to get obsessed with this stuff. I had a fight with my fiance last week about CENTREPIECES. It was, like, the worst moment of my life when I realised I was actually, genuinely freaking out at the thought of "settling" for a generic, venue-supplied-for-no-extra-charge centrepiece.

So yeah, before we got engaged I definitely thought "I will not get caught up in all that bullshit and I will only spend a very small amount of money and I don't care what my family expects of me". I am still trying to stick to those things (we are going to use the free centrepieces) but it's a lot harder than I expected. Maybe I am just a bad person.

no, i totally get you: i was all 'i'm just gonna get cheapo ring, who cares whatever'... and then as i started looking i started realising this thing was gonna be on my finger for the rest of my life. so my budget went from $60 to 10x that (altho in retrospect, we still spent significantly less on my rings than every other woman i've spoken to, so i'm happy about that). i'm also planning to wear a dress that i already have (to the ceremony - it's just jeans for the legal part), but i'm worried that closer to the date i'm gonna start thinking i need a new dress.

Hahah franny oh dear :)