LONDON—In what can only be called an affront to decency and all that we hold dear as loyal citizens of the Crown, terrorists in the Massachusetts Colony have dumped a substantial amount of quality tea into Boston Harbor, in an attempt to force Mother England to rescind what they call "Taxation Without Representation," specifically, the current, rather modest, tea tax.
Dressed as the uncivilized savages that previously inhabited this area of the New World, the terrorists sent crates and crates of tea overboard and into the drink, causing black, oil-like spills that crept out of the Harbor and all along the eastern seaboard. Although impact on the environment is still being determined, early, though unsubstantiated, reports cite frenetic, caffeinated schools of fish darting nervously about and mounting random attacks on fishing vessels. On the plus side, local fisherman Jebediah Harcross has reported a marked increase in demand for his "Loopy Lobster," which apparently provides the jolt of energy previously enjoyed from a good cup of Earl Grey.
His Royal Highness and the British Army have released this joint statement: "We will not rest, we will not tire. Those responsible for this heinous waste of good tea will be brought to justice, and it will be swift and brutal. We can have only zero tolerance for this kind of traitorous activity in our remote Colonies. As this proclamation is being released, already hundreds of powerful sailing ships, armed with state-of-the-art musketry and cannons, are making the long, treacherous journey across the sea to find and destroy the terrorists wherever they may hide. Make it known that if you aid or abet a terrorist, you are a terrorist. You are either with us, or with the terrorists." The King then played a round of croquet, executed a few prisoners, and took a nap.
The retaliation against these terrorists, called "The TET-ley Offensive," has the full funding and endorsement of the House of Lords, the House of Parliament, and especially the Wainwright Battle Shipbuilders' Union Local 121. Patriotism is at an all-time high, in London and the outlying burgs, with British citizens proudly displaying the Union Jack in carriage windows, on lampposts, in taverns, and pasted on the backsides of horses. Some creative types have fashioned sandwich boards, placards and signs supportive of the pending military strike. Examples include "NO VEXATION WITHOUT RETALIATION" and "AREN'T COLONIES MADE BY ANTS?" and the ever-popular "A BRIT WON'T SIT FOR THIS SHIT". Nigel Smithe-Weeth, a local sign-maker in Devonshire, has had to take on three new apprentices to keep up with the requests.
His Royal Highness wishes me to mention that all loyal citizens should keep a keen watch of their neighbors, friends, guests from foreign nations, and those who disagree too loudly with the Crown. Accomplices of the tea-tossers could be anywhere.
― Earl of Grey, Friday, 24 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)
No man thinks more highly than I do of the patriotism, as well as
abilities, of the very worthy gentlemen who have just addressed the
House. But different men often see the same subject in different
lights; and, therefore, I hope it will not be thought disrespectful
to those gentlemen if, entertaining as I do opinions of a character
very opposite to theirs, I shall speak forth my sentiments freely
and without reserve. This is no time for ceremony. The questing
before the House is one of awful moment to this country. For my own
part, I consider it as nothing less than a question of freedom or
slavery; and in proportion to the magnitude of the subject ought to
be the freedom of the debate. It is only in this way that we can
hope to arrive at truth, and fulfill the great responsibility which
we hold to God and our country. Should I keep back my opinions at
such a time, through fear of giving offense, I should consider
myself as guilty of treason towards my country, and of an act of
disloyalty toward the Majesty of Heaven, which I revere above all
earthly kings.
Mr. President, it is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of
hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and
listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts.
Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous
struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those
who, having eyes, see not, and, having ears, hear not, the things
which so nearly concern their temporal salvation? For my part,
whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the
whole truth; to know the worst, and to provide for it.
I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the
lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by
the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has
been in the conduct of the British ministry for the last ten years
to justify those hopes with which gentlemen have been pleased to
solace themselves and the House. Is it that insidious smile with
which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it
will prove a snare to your feet. Suffer not yourselves to be
betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of
our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover
our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a
work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so
unwilling to be reconciled that force must be called in to win back
our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the
implements of war and subjugation; the last arguments to which kings
resort. I ask gentlemen, sir, what means this martial array, if its
purpose be not to force us to submission? Can gentlemen assign any
other possible motive for it? Has Great Britain any enemy, in this
quarter of the world, to call for all this accumulation of navies
and armies? No, sir, she has none. They are meant for us: they can
be meant for no other. They are sent over to bind and rivet upon us
those chains which the British ministry have been so long forging.
And what have we to oppose to them? Shall we try argument? Sir, we
have been trying that for the last ten years. Have we anything new
to offer upon the subject? Nothing. We have held the subject up in
every light of which it is capable; but it has been all in vain.
Shall we resort to entreaty and humble supplication? What terms
shall we find which have not been already exhausted? Let us not, I
beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves. Sir, we have done everything
that could be done to avert the storm which is now coming on. We
have petitioned; we have remonstrated; we have supplicated; we have
prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its
interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and
Parliament. Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have
produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been
disregarded; and we have been spurned, with contempt, from the foot
of the throne! In vain, after these things, may we indulge the fond
hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for
hope. If we wish to be free -- if we mean to preserve inviolate
those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long
contending--if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in
which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged
ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest
shall be obtained -- we must fight! I repeat it, sir, we must fight!
An appeal to arms and to the God of hosts is all that is left us!
They tell us, sir, that we are weak; unable to cope with so
formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be
the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally
disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every
house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall
we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on
our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our
enemies shall have bound us hand and foot? Sir, we are not weak if
we make a proper use of those means which the God of nature hath
placed in our power. The millions of people, armed in the holy cause
of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are
invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us.
Besides, sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There is a just
God who presides over the destinies of nations, and who will raise
up friends to fight our battles for us. The battle, sir, is not to
the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave.
Besides, sir, we have no election. If we were base enough to desire
it, it is now too late to retire from the contest. There is no
retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their
clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is
inevitable -- and let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come.
It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry,
Peace, Peace -- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun!
The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the
clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why
stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they
have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the
price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not
what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give
me death!
― dead, Friday, 24 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)