Have you ever moved to a city where you didn't know anyone?

I wanted to go away on my own though anyway, to be honest, I'm not sure exactly why but it's the right thing to do I think.

i've made plenty of acquaintances but no lasting friends. (which i think mostly based in a personal quirk, that i really don't make friends unless people really force it upon me.)

It is slightly worrying to think that once you've finished school/university you'll rarely have another chance to make as many friends in one easy swoop. Otherwise, how do you do it? Through work? Surely it's not healthy to have your closest friends be your workmates too?

Now, if you ask me that in a few years, the answer may be different.

I just worry that in a few weeks I'll need to place an ad looking for a mentalist to come out clubbing with me.

Ronan, no worries. I'll come along....as long as you can keep up.

I was a bit disconcerted because I had never been like that before, I'd always been able to make friends very quickly. But before I'd always had a base of solid friends to return to and introduce all the new people I'd met to.

However, now I feel settled, have groups of close friends, have that new base and am quite happy to run around making new friends to a

Like being on your own forces you to adapt. Maybe. Or else become a recluse, which I think there is already a thread for.

Then coming to university I never worried that I wouldn't meet people, I did, it worked out much better.

NYC is different, since most of my friends lived here even before I got here.

I guess you just kind of go out and stand around til someone talks to you. Someone always seems to talk to me. Hell, I met a couple friends just by going, "Yo, peeps, come meet me, I'll be at XYZ bar" on ILM - and I wouldn't count those as "people I know already" cos I didn't actually know much of any of them, much less had talked to them, prior to them just showing up. And they bring people, and I talk to those people too. *shrugs* I suppose it helps the size of the city, you know?

I'm probably going to end up doing it again at year end. I don't find the not-having-friends bit of it scary. I find the former-friends-who- live-there bit scary, though in 6 months time it might be better (or I might have an offer from Sarah Lawrence or NYU and decide last minute that that's the spot for me).

("exploring the town" = loitering in Shinder's Newstand for three hours.)

I realize most people did this during college because they were smarter than me and moved more than 15 minutes away from their childhood home.

Having said that, I don't think I would ever do it again, given a choice.

this move isn't by choice, really.

how to make friends and influence people?

I'm moving to Buenos Aires in about three weeks, and I don't really know anyone there or have any fluency in Spanish, so I can keep you posted if I have any tips to offer.

yeah this is kinda C- at best

did this twice, first time was sort of a bust, second time was ok but only because i knew it was for a year
knew one bro when i moved to la, i love it here and he made the transition go pretty smooth

Key thing is to make social contacts outside of your job. It's pretty bad if you've been in a new city for six months and the only people you know and socialise with are your work colleagues.

hard to find a new dealer, too

when i moved to london in 2004 i knew two people! (neither of whom i speak to any more!) of course i had ready-made sets of people that i could meet easily (the london ilxors at the time, various magazines i had done/would do work for), but i didn't know any of them when i actually moved. i guess i didn't really think about it like that, i just needed to get to london after graduating asap. making friends fell into place quite easily, i remember getting rather emotional at a party i threw in 2005 looking at all the people who'd come, almost none of whom i'd known the year previously.

i knew some ppl but no1 all that well its p corny but forcing myself to do some structured social activities really helped - met a lot of ppl through d&d and playing tennis and raquetball - and once u know a few ppl it snowballs really quickly

i think it also helps if ure not looking for like really close bff type of relationships and just bros u can play some playstation or catch a movie or just generally kiw

Luckily I knew a few people (UKers) here in SF when we moved, although I don't see that much of them. I don't mind spending time alone, but as I don't work at the moment it's a bit tough. The thing is I find it quite hard to make good friends so in a new country where everyone seems a bit crazy/ I seem odd to them is seeming a bit impossible...

still thinkin about savannah (at least for a few years, prob wouldn't stay). or nashville. i don't know anyone but a friend from my hometown lived in nashville a while & absolutely loved it.

part of my problem is that i have only temped or worked from home, so i really don't even interact with people professionally that much these days either. and when i did, they were all middle aged people for some reason (not that there's anything wrong with that! but sometimes you want peers of your own demo, too).

whenever i go on hiking group things it's a different group of people, so it's kind of hard to establish any kind of relationship there, either.

Stephanopoulos apologizes for being a pussy.

it's hard to move to a new city when you're a pussy

LOL

It's pretty bad if you've been in a new city for six months and the only people you know and socialise with are your work colleagues.

hard to find a new dealer, too

Both of these are painfully OTM.

I've done this 3 times in the last 4 years. It blows.

i feel optimistic

Maybe the key is to BECOME a dealer when you move to a new city where you don't know anyone. I'm sure you'd meet lots of people that way!

you have to know one to become one, z :(

unless you grow your own ^_^

You could always sell oregano to 12-year-olds while you get your feet on the ground.

I don't know, harbl, I'm just throwing things at the wall, seeing what sticks, brainstorming!

when I moved to New York I literally didn't know anybody. and everybody else at my first job were all middle-aged or older. my only acquaintances were a couple of chatty oddballs in the seedy SRO where I lived. it was a good six or nine months before I started to meet people and make friends.
somehow I survived. I'm a bit of a loner by nature I remember feeling stir crazy: it feels pretty damn weird to be lonely amid millions of other people!
two years later I felt reasonably well-connected and more important, I felt comfortable even AT HOME in the big city (still do almost 30 years later).

so my unsolicited advice is stick it out.

i am a loner most of the time, too and i don't really mind it. in fact, i was fine with it until i went home for christmas. at first being around a bunch of people was super overwhelming and i felt claustrophobic but when i came back after the break i started feeling really isolated and guilty for not making more effort to meet people etc.

it takes a while to get to a stage where you have enough friends that if one friend or group is busy you still can go somewhere else on a fri or sat night, ime. i'm in london almost 2 years now and at first I knew some people but you aren't really in a comfort zone for about a year at least. I can remember if somebody was busy you'd have that awful situation of wanting to go out after a hard week's work but not being able to.

even after time tho it never really stops, I don't know if it's a big city thing but there are people I've hung out with loads for 3 months then just fallen out of touch with again. I feel like I'm always meeting new people, in Dublin life was more like seeing the same 100 people every weekend.

i've done this a couple of times and am about to again. it's good; would do it even if i knew it wouldn't work out. it's good to have to use your brain again in a new environment rather than relying on familiarity; it's good to have this arc of getting to know a place, getting to know people incrementally more until you're one-of-the-team; it's good to collect new friends who represent where you're at when you move rather than where you were ten years earlier when you met someone and stayed friends. if it does take you a while to settle, it's the right time in some respects to be spending time alone, being distracted by getting acquainted with a place.

that sounds very otm. where i was before i felt like i saw too many people who had friends they met in the dorms freshman year 8-10 years ago. that's not bad but i felt like moving on. i don't care if it takes a year to feel like i'm having fun, i like it a lot better here w/ newness of stuff. i like to do stuff by myself more than others do though so i dunno

I only know my gf and a few of her friends :\

And those people are pretty much Mankato folks (place of residence for about 8 years prior to now) who I knew/knew-of already.

:\:\:\

My 10 months in NZ were sorta like this, too. I knew the two awesome kids I moved with and eventually met a few people but I didn't have money to leave the house and meet people. Or to drink away the paint.

Er, no I mean...you know what I mean.

i know exactly what you mean.

I moved here w/my husband & we didn't know anyone. Of course it is great having him around but even them we both missed having social circles. I didn't really make friends w/anyone for like two years. It helps being able to make the first move socially – ask someone you think is cool if they want to do x thing (helps if you have the activity figured out in advance). I only really started meeting people once I learned how to knit & started going to a knitting group. Finding people with common interests actually does work.

Finding a new dealer otoh was a son of a bitch & I have like no advice on this.

took me a while to figure out "drink away the paint" tbh

Find out who smokes/whatever at your place of employment, get buddy-buddy and be discreet?

I don't really know.

xpost *sympathetic pat*

Wait I think I got which was the xpost backwards....lol anyway.

i just thought maybe you were huffing paint while unemployed and needed a drink to wash it down

I'd never thought about this, but I have done so twice - except both times were to the same city, and they were only about 18 months apart. I guess I would still've known people there at the time of my second move, but I didn't feel the need to look them up. I suppose that proves that not knowing people isn't such a big thing for me - friends, who needs 'em?

I moved here w/my husband & we didn't know anyone. Of course it is great having him around but even them we both missed having social circles. I didn't really make friends w/anyone for like two years.

never having done it i am only guessing, but i always thought that moving somewhere with someone might be a hindrance rather than a benefit?, just in terms of meeting people individually rather than as part of a unit. yes or no? maybe it's the opposite and you double your contacts and socialising power.

xposts No no, I was drinking the paint. What else can you do with it if your walls looks so nice.

Stephanopoulos apologizes for being a pussy.

this is really tough, in my experience moving into an apartment with other people instead of renting on your own makes it much less lonely (i think putting up with roommate annoyances is usually an acceptable price to pay for company)

― Maria, Saturday, January 9, 2010 9:33 AM Bookmark

this doesn't help if you have roughly 0% in common with your roommates. luckily, tomorrow I will be moving in with someone who I immediately hit it off with

eh i've had roughly 0% in common with roommates and had just as good experiences as when i moved in with friends. (and bad, but i've had bad times in both situations.)

it's nice hearing that it takes a while to settle in - i now realize that settling isn't something that happens the first month after you move somewhere, it can take 6 or 12 or 24 months, but i think if someone had told me that when i first start moving around after college it would've been psychologically much easier to get through those months (instead people would keep asking "so, have you made a lot of new friends yet? met anyone special?" etc. and then i would feel like such a failure!).

yes! people keep asking if i am making friends and i feel like a loser!

feeling like you're not living up to expectations by having enough friends is worse than not having enough friends, imo! they probably just have no idea how long these things actually take.

ime lyfe problems that would not be a huge deal are often made worse when people ask questions about stuff, i really hate questioners!

hows it goin harbl?

lamp!!!!!!!!!!

or nashville. i don't know anyone but a friend from my hometown lived in nashville a while & absolutely loved it.

― kicker conspiracy (s. suisham ha ha) (daria-g), Saturday, January 9, 2010 4:28 PM (Yesterday)

Nashville is a pretty easy city to meet people in. The only person I knew when I moved there was my roommate, a friend from school who I'd also shared an apartment with in a different place a few years before. By the time I left, I knew plenty of people and was never short of socializing options. (And now that I don't live there anymore, I know even more Nashvillers. It's almost tempting enough to move back.)

this is pretty dud, but I'm getting used to it!

ime lyfe problems that would not be a huge deal are often made worse when people ask questions about stuff, i really hate questioners!

― jortin shartgent (harbl), Sunday, January 10, 2010 12:21 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

this is very true, especially since avid questioners are often dismissive of unusual answers.

yeah, that's a good point too. "ooh...well i'm sure it'll all be fine soon sweetie!"

I would love to do this. If I didn't have credit card debt and a truck payment, I'd do it right now. Maybe Portland, maybe Chicago, even without a college degree or any particular credentials.

the only person I knew when I moved here was my husband and his family. pretty much all of the friends I've made are through work - and I know that may be lame but I wasn't a huge social butterfly in my old life, and it takes me a long time to warm up to people...which may be why the process was kind of difficult. Not to be debbie downer or anything, hopefully I'm just the exception to the rule.

it took me a while to realize the difference between actual friends you can hang out with, and people who are nice to you who don't really want to hang out. when you've got a circle of friends, being blown off or flaked on isn't such a big deal...I was kind of used to it back home since all my friends were kind of flaky...but wow, once it's just you on your own you really have to weed through people to see who is sincere. saying 'we should hang out', or 'let's go to dinner one night' is almost conversational for 'I'll see you later'. it was weird for a while, and disappointing.

but I think the key is that you still have to remember that you are the one who 'needs' the friendship. you can't expect people to know what you want, and hanging back can send the wrong message. you kind of do have to dangle yourself out on the ledge a little more than you're used to to make those connections. without being stalky, haha.

but yeah, it's a weird situation. it's not until you realize you really want to make friends, or have to make friends, that you realize you don't really know how you ever did it in the first place. and from there it's all baby steps.

I send lots of hugs and encouragement to everyone who's going through this. <3

saying 'we should hang out', or 'let's go to dinner one night' is almost conversational for 'I'll see you later'. it was weird for a while, and disappointing.

incredibly otm