funniest overheard conversations

-going on & on about "scooby-doo with bandages on"
(looking at books):
-"I think they're naughty people"
-"garfield's on my pillow"

-"what's that?" (parent: explains they can't see what the child's refering to)
-"what's that? what's that? what's that? what's that? what's that? what's that? (shrieking): that's a scary one!! I think it's batman. I think it's batman. I think it's batman. I think it's batman."
-"I think it's on Scooby-Doo"
-"I think it's on Scooby-Boo"

and yes I did write this down. Oh and on a related note, I find RD Laing's Conversations with Children quite mindboggling, and fascinating.

Ami 1: "Hats? Who the hell wears hats? How do they stay open?"

Amis 2 & 3 (simultaneously): "Money laundering."

northern lass - !who were it that sang men in black? - were it Wesley snipes"

Kingsley and Martin?

7 yr old boy to dad: "daddy look its a basket"

dad: "wow thats nice"

7 yr old boy: "yeah you can shit in it!"

I'm most interested in the comment that preceded this.

"I tell you these days, it's not the calculator, it's not the word processor--"

"No, it's the broom, it's the mop--"

"The clock!"

"Yes, the clock. The clock and the broom."

etc.

I hope this is an accurate representation of the actual comments made. My friend wrote it down, but that was about 7 years ago, and she's somewhere in Europe right now.

"yeah, i think he only sent me it so he could include a pic of his new breasts"

"really?"

"yeah, they're not like proper breasts though, more like lumps"

"so, how far along is he?"

"well, this is it for now, he doesnt want to become a woman, its more of a hermaphrodite thing, he wants to keep his penis"

"i'm not surprised, after all the tattoos and piercings and work he has had done on it, it would be a shame to just lop it off"

"yea, i guess, hes over in america having something done now, and his girlfriend over there is having something done too"

"oh, whats that"

"shes getting surgery so she can look more like him"

"what, plastic surgery?"

"yea, they want to look the same, so the plastic surgeon is going to make her face the same as his"

Boy 1: Fuck that, I'd be a great woman.
Boy 2: Word, what the fuck?
Boy 1: Just make me halfway decent looking. That's all you need to get whatever the fuck you want as a girl.
Boy 2: Shit look into that.

Little boy, about 10 years old, to a Lhasa apso dog:

"You are a redonkulous puppy!!"

"All hos is bitches even my stinky ass mom!"

"We take a lot of pride in, um, being proud of our paper."

Argh! Beat me by, uh, and hour and a half! was *just* thinking that.

http://www.valleyscene.com/newsoftheweird.html

"See, she knows that I basically have access to Jeff Tweedy when I need it, all she has to do is ask."

"They say that feta cheese is an acquired taste. If that's true, then I must have acquired it at birth!"

Older Woman (from behind cubicle): Have you seen this new program "Lost"?

Younger Woman: No, I haven't seen it. What is it?
Older Woman: Oh these people crash in a plane and then a lot of stuff happens.
Younger Woman: Is it good?
Older Woman: Yes, I like it. It's different from the other programs. It's exciting.

My ex: So guess what? I made the most money of any of the children of my parents' tax accountants' clients [my ex had worked a summer job that year]

Me: Yeah, but that's probably because people your age who have to work full-time don't have parents who have accountants.

My ex: Oh come on! Everyone has accountants!

In Au Bon Pain (I don't know if the Aussies, Brits, etc. have these -- they're basically upscale fast-food/bakery type deals):

College Girl 1: So, is Eric, like, kissy-kissy?
College Girl 2: Kinda.
College Girl 1: Cause Dave is really kissy-kissy, and I'm not so into being all kissy-kissy ... hmm, should I get tomato mozzerella? I think I want tomato mozerrella.
2: I don't like tomato so much.
1: Really? I love tomato. I'm a total tomato psycho!

Tramp 1: ...so he grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up!
Tramp 2: Bullied him?
Tramp 1: No, no, he pulled him up.
Tramp 2: Bullying?
Tramp 1: No look see, he pulled him up. Y'know, by the collar.
Tramp 2: I don't like bullying.
Tramp 1: I didn't SAY 'bullying', I said he 'pulled him up' [does the action]
Tramp 2: What was he bullying him for then?

This went on for 15 whole minutes, no lie.

me: "Your first time in a Chinese Restaurant then!"
Alice: "Yes. I'll tell Janine. She goes to chinese restaurants, she's chinese"
me: "Oh, right. So, where's she from then?"
Alice: "China"
me: "um, no where does she go?"
Alice: "Chinese Restaurants"
me: "!!! (ahem), no where do you know her from?"
Alice: "School"
me: "Right!"

I swear I just heard a colleague in my office yell out to someone else, "HOW DID THE CHICKEN-FUCKING GO?"

*I* swear I overheard my workmate saying "penix b" into his phone at a client yesterday. I still cant work out WTF he might have actually been saying BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE PENIX B.

overheard in the stairwell of my apt

"so it didn't count as cheating, we'd already broken up at that point."

"but still, dude...her SISTER?"

me: the thing about my old job was that i could pretty much do whatever,
almost anything i wanted, i could practically get away with murder
some chick: so what did you get fired for?
me: murder

overheard later -
some other chick: i mean come ON! murder isnt FUNNY!
some other other chick: i KNOW!

Guy on his own in a pub. His mobile rings, he looks agitated but he answers it very calmly and puts on a very professional business like voice and couldn't quite hear what he was saying until..

"let me put my lawyer on.."

-*waits a few seconds, and then starts to talk in different voice*

"Hello this is.... "

-*couldn't quite hear what he was saying for a minute or two*
-*Suddenly raising his voice*

"WELL ITS TOO FUCKING LATE NOW, NOBODY BELIEVED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. OH FUCK THIS FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF"

-*hangs up*
-*sits back on stool carries on drinking*

two women pushing prams past the handbag section in Trafford Centre Selfridges, one says to other, "well it's got to be big and it's got to be black"

Chubby teenage girl in London Underground, addressed to nearby strangers: "Is it David BOE-WEE or David BOUGH-WEE?"

not much of a conversation

An overweight lonely bearded guy sat outside a pub utterly pissed as a fart shouting at passers by "YOU ALL RECOGNISE ME FROM THE INTERNET, WHY IS EVERYBODY PERSECUTING ME!!!"

OK, own up!

That's not funny, it's sad.

yeah Tuomas sorry I wasn't laughing at him, it was more of a WTF at what he said.

Girl in question talks like that idiot chick in Knocked Up, sorta looks like this bulldog with massive he-bitch shoulders...vacant gaze:
"What if like, there was a church where you could smoke weed and... drink alcohol and like, the pastor gave sermons about...smoking weed and...drinking alcohol...."
"ahhhh, duuuude, (laughing) that'd be sweeeet!"

I forget where it went from there. I'm sure we can guess.

Toumas, no, that's funny.

That fat guy reminds me of something a friend related to me about a girl he knew back in Pine Bluff.

She used to stand outside the Wal*Mart doors repeating "I'm retarded, I'm retarded, I'm retarded," to passerby in this sort-of Scooby Doo voice.

Sad, but funny. Funny, yet sad.

(She wasn't even really retarded!)

By a local woman the townies refer to as Circles (because she only turns right and has to pull this wild NFL juke to take a left), conversation with herself:
"No...no!.....Stop that, that's rude....no! The devil!"

That one saddens me a bit.

undergrad sitting behind me 1: Pick one, Low or Soulja Boy.
undergrad sitting behind me 2: *sigh* Soulja Boy is killing hip hop.

Employee #1: Is it raining out?
Employee #2: Nah.
Middle-aged Supervisor Woman: What's that song? It's raining ... something...
Employee #1: It's Raining Men.
Supervisor: Is that what it is?

LOL

undergrad sitting behind me 2: *sigh* Soulja Boy is killing hip hop.

Paul Kix?

Last night:

"You're the best whore I've ever had"

Actually that one was not funny, just weird.

The guy shouting out the pub was schitzophrenic, that's pretty typical behaviour. Before the internet it was tv and before tv it was well.. from a book I guess.
I work in a bar and a lady came in for drinks (at about 10.30am) she probably had about five shots of sambucca before she started talking about how Rupert Murdoch and the Army had teamed up against her and her fiance (some local well known criminal, I forget his name) and how they were taping her phone calls and had implanted a radio transmitter in her head, I didn't know whether to cut her off because she was perfectly sober, just..highly strung. Then I thought about Sandra Bullock's masterpiece, 'The Net' for a while.

Apparently the police can hear your phone even when it's switched off! According to some genius on GTA multiplayer. I don't know exactly what it is that they can hear.

two very young lads in smart suits carrying big suitcases on the train

lad1: so now we're officially soldiers
lad2: yeah, did they mention Afghan to you in your interview too?
lad1: yep, said that you *will* be sent there at some point
lad2: well it shouldn't be too bad, most of the resistance is dead.
lad1: haha yeah, but it's war and that's what we signed up for.
lad2: yep, that's what we joined for. to go to war.
[train pulls into station]
lad1: YES we're home!
lad2: AT LAST!

Counter woman at hipster waffle place, to kitchen guy:

"The name Danielle is so interesting, it's like this version of Daniel but specially made for a girl"

Yesterday on the bus. High-school girls.

On a gross guy who was trying to woo one of them: "I said to him, 'I wouldn't let you put your face down there if Jesus SAID to.'"

On the topic of insulting some boy's looks at school: "Ms Barnes said, 'Allegra, you are COLD!' And I said, 'He ain't exactly hot, neither.'"

A couple weeks ago I was walking down State Street and a college-aged guy walking the other direction was loudly shouting into his cellphone, "but my pussy aches for you".

That sounds like something that would only be shouted into a cell phone with the intent of being overheard

Oh, totally, but I was waiting for some telling laughter or looking around for a reaction, but the guy just kept on shouting about something.