Thread for making up stupid statements that are lies of varying banality, aiming at forming ones of relatively low interest.

I invented a language and it is the English language.

I once worked as a security guard.

Chickens have four-chambered hearts.

First statement here is too obviously a lie, everyone knows English was actually invented in 1872 by Jonathan English.

I am a Yankees fan.

My neighbor's house is really a mess.

Angiosperms have been around longer than gymnosperms.

There's a McDonald's a block away from my house.

I have a cracked fingernail.

I shelve my books alphabetically.

i used to own a pet turtle.

Cups can't be made of metal.

I once kicked a home run in an office kickball game.

In Alabama it's illegal to wash your car on Sunday.

The FedEx guy is here.

Scotland is fake.

I overslept this morning.

Otters are stupid.

The Chinese character for 'crisis' is also its character for 'monster truck.'

When looked at closely, greenfly are in fact a shade of yellow.

tarring and feathering tickles

I have eaten coelcanth.

I got my hair cut today.

http://m.assetbar.com/achewood/autaux?b=M%5ea11f09b8576e606bcb5038dfdb92fb821&u=http%3A%2F%2Fachewood.com%2Fcomic.php%3Fdate%3D01112007

Hat sales remained steady throughout the first half of the 1980s

The laundry machines in my building are yellow.

ok ok I'll bite what color are they really

white.

when i was a kid i had a pet snail named slimer.

Sean Connery's accent lended itself very well to proper pronunciation of Japanese in "Rising Sun."

The word 'bibliophile' can be used to denote either those who enjoy books or those who are fans of bibs.

Chewing gum is actually a rare form of seaweed.

A red towel will dry you off more quickly than a white towel.

Pigs are drawn to laughter.

I believed that the Sun and the Moon were the same object until yesterday.

U.S. currency is composed of 96% wood pulp, 2% cotton, 1% rayon, and 1% potato skin.

During the early days of the cultivation of champagne, monks believed that the bubbles were caused by angel farts.

Despite common belief, microwave ovens do not actually heat food. Rather, they utilize radiation to destroy cold particles that exist naturally within food.

I'm eating brussell sprouts right now- damn they are so tasty.

Also, a friend of mine talked to Karen today.

Dennis Wilson once shared a cab with Dean Martin.

The word 'clothing' is required to be embroidered or embossed on all garments sold commercially.

Law is an enriching field to work in.

Water in its natural state is a pinkish hue. The color is removed through a chemical 'decolorization' process at most water filtration plants.

My car keys are in my other pants.

Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat Beer is pretty good.

The first sandwiches were simply a post-Depression indulgence in eating two slices of bread at once. It wasn't until the 'Summer of Love' in 1987 that the sandwich as we know it today was born.

america was built by white men. pat buchanan says so!

I'm a moderator on ilxor.com

Alexander The Grape is my favorite Otter Pop.

The disproportionately-high number of wire hangers sold in Costa Rica correlates directly with disproportionately-low number of television antennae imported per capita.

Tacos were first created as a side dish by the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant chain in 1957. Although unsuccessful at the time, the taco began to see a resurgence of popularity in the mid-1960s. The finely-crafted mythology, created by the KFC marketing department, regarding the supposed Latin American origin of the taco took root and is believed by many today to be fact.

i have mixed feelings about celine dion

ALF was originally intended to be a dramatic series which would depict the ongoing struggles of an extra-terrestrial to survive on an inhospitable planet. However, the off-camera antics of the man inside the ALF costume, Reggie Mawkley, so amused the crew that they had trouble getting through a take without breaking into laughter. An ingenious executive had the idea of adding a laugh track to the supposedly-ruined takes. Although the original dramatic tone was never changed throughout the course of the series, few members of the home audience ever noticed.

i am sand

I was disturbed to find The ALF and KFC and Mexican Kimchee lies are actually true in spirit, save for some minor details.
(ALF's creator Paul Fusco was maniacal about presentation of ALF's public persona as if it were a dramatic enterprise,
Taco Bell has convinced millions that it is genuine Mexican food,
Hawaiian box lunches often have localized versions of East-Asian food thanks to early migrant worker influx)

(You are obviously more well-versed in actual fact than I am, good sir.)

(Philip the Mexican kichee idea came from the German immigrants to Mexico in the late 1800s who introduced polka stylings, which brought about mariachi music.)

(Don't tell anyone!)

The Isle of Wight used to be attached to the mainland by a narrow corridor of sandstone known as the Aisle of Wight.

John Waters originally directed Painlevesque scientific documentaries for school children

xp don't you mean the Aisle of White?

Australopithecus Boiseii was named after the locale where it was initially unearthed: the liberal north end of Boise, Idaho.

yah oops. thx. xpost.

German brewing laws allow only 6 ingredients to be used in the manufacture of lager: water, hops, barley, yeast, blood and soil.

The record for the world's smallest bible was disputed in 1986 when it was discovered that the then-current record holder was simply a volume of microscopically hand-written "Lorem Ipsum Dolor" text.

My milkshake brings all the dogs to the yard.

"German immigrants to Mexico in the late 1800s who introduced polka stylings, which brought about mariachi music."
"German brewing laws allow only 6 ingredients to be used in the manufacture of lager: water, hops, barley, yeast, blood and soil."

those crazy Germans!

(No the first one is actually seriously true)

I was gonna say I thought the polka thing was true, it's really easy to hear.

This is true of conjunto style songs/bands, most specifically, which I think people in the U.S. are most familiar with.

truth is banaler than fiction?

(banaler is a word)

The mandibles of a bull ant are 100% platinum.

Euglena anabaena is the only protozoa with the capacity to experience Jealousy.

St Louis does not actually exist, it was first added to the 1811 map of Missouri as a joke at the expense of bad-boy cartographer Louis Jaeger.

David Prowse was unavailable to film Return Of The Jedi, so George Lucas turned to Jim Henson's Creature Shop (the same company who had designed Yoda and Aunt Beru for him previously) and asked them to create a full-scale Darth Vader puppet. The results were so lifelike that Prowse sued for likeness rights (due to the assertion that the puppet's movements were modelled directly from Prowse's athletic performance in the titular role of the 1976 film, Tarzan And The Abominable Snowmen). Prowse was awarded $375,000 in the suit, but the legal move also had its downside. Lucas used his pull as a Hollywood mover-and-shaker to keep tabs on any role that Prowse was auditioning for. He would then arrange a meeting with the producers of the given project and, almost without exception, convince them that a David Prowse puppet would be more cost-effective in the role. The tragedy is that, until his reemergence in the Academy Award-nominated Hearts That Dare, the Prowse puppet got more work and earned more money post-1982 than Prowse himself did.

Zelda Pinkerton's recipe for meat rolls (introduced as a medium for dipping into various sauces) was published in the May, 1927 issue of Sauce Age magazine. The meat rolls were an instant smash and took on the colloquial name Sauce Age rolls as they were increasingly featured on the menus of New England eateries. The name stuck long after Sauce Age ceased publication and eventually evolved into the now-familiar permutation 'sausage'.

If you purchase audio monitors with a $50 rebate they sound WAY better.

― dice in my pockets (csa), Tuesday, July 21, 2009 10:19 PM (1 year ago)

I don't own a television set. I think television is bad for the mind.

I have read Marcel Proust's In Search of Lost Time

The iron is considered the luckiest of all monopoly pieces, although there is no known basis for this

I attended a Nirvana show in 1993.

i ate cheese off of a cop once

There are far more forks in the world than spoons.

With the correct application of the laws of forces/balance and auspicious meteorology, you can hang washing on a line without the need for pins.

Patrick Stewart started the first blog.

George Lazenby owns a holiday cottage in my village.

Garbage collectors are more likely to decorate their living quarters with Chinese lamps than any other occupational group.

Yosemite Sam's original name was Yellowstone Ike

The iron is considered the luckiest of all monopoly pieces, although there is no known basis for this

I like this – the "no known basis" bit gives it a real "email forwarded by my parent" sort of authenticity.

The technical term for a bagpipe player is 'cornamusist'.

I like this – the "no known basis" bit gives it a real "email forwarded by my parent" sort of authenticity.

Actually, the phrase I see the most of in those email forwards is "No one knows why."

I had a speaking part in four high school plays.

Those cute little geckos that you see clinging to interior house walls everywhere in South Florida have been bred to collect and report information about you to your insurance provider. No one knows why.

Two ounces of dry poop from a ten-pound hound dog can be smelled 150 feet away through a half-inch plate glass door. At least, that's what my neighbor seems to think. No one knows why.

I am very funny. No one ever thinks of the term "horribly formed joaks" when they see my posts. No one knows why.

Pistachios are known colloquially as "shit buttons" in most of the contiguous United States.

haha I see you found a thread to post to for the next few hours

Yeah, this one's a classic that should be eternally bumped.

Gary Burghoff was the highest paid cast member of M*A*S*H. He had invested his earnings from the M*A*S*H film in a lucrative basement flange fabrication shop and was reluctant to return to acting until the show's producers matched what he had been making. Burghoff generously turned the business over to McLean Stevenson in the midst of Stevenson's unsuccessful post-M*A*S*H career.

Kevin Durant is really a fictitious NBA player portrayed by two separate actors with magnificent athletic ability