can we have a companion thread with all the correct answers for idiots like me

my 2 jokes should have been:

what's Bob Marley's favourite doughnut? one with JAM IN!!

and

knock knock

who's there?

Amos

Amos who?

A mosquito!!

on the whole the deadpan answers are probably funnier than the "right" ones!!

One to screw it in, 9 to talk about how Jimi would have done it.

"Bofus?"

Please!

[Any number of punchlines, most having to do with the horse's enormous genitalia.]

"So I may as well dress impo'tent!"

A flat minor.

A drummer.

1) What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette

2) What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

3) Why did the beach blush?

Coz the seaweed

4) Doctor Doctor I feel like a bridge!

Good God! What's come over you man?

Well, so far, 3 cars, 2 lorries and a bicycle

5) What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Do you think he saw us

what do you call a deer with no eye? no eye-deer (no IDEA geddit!?!)

1. Because it's too far to walk

2. A Big Red Rock-Eater

3. The Financial Times crossword

Q. What was the woman doing out of the house?
A. Who cares, what was the bitch doing out of the kitchen?

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. likkalodopus.

knock knock!
who's there?
doctor
doctor who?
doctor who.

knock knock!
who's there?
police
police who?
police let me in, its very cold out here.

knock knock
who's there?
irish stew
irish stew who?
irish stew in the name of the law.

as for the 'waiter, waiter' jokes, theres tun of 'em and i can't remember any of the punchlines.

With a drum machine, you only have to punch the rhythm in once.

what do you call a man with half a brain? gifted.

Q.where do you weigh whales?
A. at the whale-weigh station.

why did the chicken cross the road

cos it was stapled to the punk

He decides to become a monk so he can figure out what the noise is, but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Up his sleevies.

1) Steve McQUEEN!

2) No, Mr Bond, I expect you to cry

3) Cheesy Weasels

What do you call a dear with no legs and no eyes?

Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, mating with female deer?

Still fucking no eye-deer.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and orders a bottle of beer. As the bartender hands it to him, he bets everyone in the establishment that he can place his genitals in the alligator's mouth and remain unharmed. The patrons scoff and quickly take him up on his bet. The whole room watches breathless as the alligator opens its mouth. The man drops trou and places his bits in the beast's mouth. The alligator gently closes its mouth and the crowd oohs and ahs. After a few minutes, the man hits the alligator on the head with the beer bottle, it opens up and he puts his pants back on.

With a wicked smile, he looks around the bar and says, "All right, I'll give anyone else here who will do that one million dollars."

The bar is very quiet until someone in the back stands up and says, "All right, but you have to promise not to hit me in the head with the beer bottle."

Blee - atch!