LOLLLL JOEKSSS!1!!! Funniest of these apparently funny joeks:

And in full:

• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
• 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

"I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

sub-Passantino at best

N1ck, are you gonna poll those five worst ones as well?

The Jack Whitehall one could actually be funny given good delivery. The Madagascar quip is amusing but cheap. The pebble one is a nice observation. The rest can hang.

don't get the madagascar one - is it "topical"

it is a disney movie about talking animals

I hadn't thought of polling the five worst, but it would be true to the ilx spirit. The Jack Whitehall one seems to me the best by some margin, although having spent the weekend in the company of a sister who talks about nothing but her fucking iphone, the Marcus Brigstocke is the most "funny cuz it's true and topical".

fuck brigstocke

I would complain about Adam Hills being almost a decade out of date but that's his audience.

Unfortunately, these days, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Sarah Millican has been thinking up her joke since 1983.

I like Alex Maple's joke better than any of the 'best' ones I think

Also anyone with a Facebook account and too many unfunny friends must have heard that swine flu joke a zillion fucking times, the fact that a standup would try to pass it off as their own is far more offensive than its alleged badness

If anyone has to suffer and be lost to the tragic carnage of the Middle East right now, let it be Brigstocke.

fkn brigstocke that wouldn't be funny on a pub night out after brandy. rest of them could be reasonably amusing given delivery. DELIVERY OF BRANDY

Wait, wait, wait. Forgive my ignorance, as I am an American. But these people are stand-ups? I read the jokes without clicking the link and thought some of them were quite clever for whatever school-aged adolescents had signed up for this 'Fringe' competition. Now I'm just sad.

none of them are that funny really

Number 9: I laughed.

Number 2: Qualifies as funny.

Number 5 is my life!

the rest? Everybody in the house go "meh!"

But these people are stand-ups?

It is just a selection of one-liners. I'm sure they have plenty of free-form cutting edge obscenity-law challenging "white people talk like this" material as well.

i'd say 2 is kinda cute and funny, the rest not so much

these are all pretty funny

madagascar one is funniest

2 is horrendous, because that theme has been riffed beyond the grave

• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on
• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

obviously the best two

^^^this isn't actually in debate here, guys

1 is cuet

however it is shit if considered for more than half a second, especially the etymology of the word 'hog' in its many applications

jesus christ, I give up on my horrible c/p skills

xp I bet you're a great heckler.

the best hecklers are the ones who drop 5-syllable words

I don't heckle. I have too many public-speaking aspirations of my own to challenge fate so crassly

london marathon by a street

cosign

Are you guys for real? 9 is by far the worst

Can imagine #5 being said by Steven Wright or Mitch Hedberg, therefore that one wins.

Could imagine Hedburg coming out with #1, extending the "a" in share as long as possible, as well tbh.

^ This. Exactly what I thought.

There are probably several dozen ILXors who toss off better one-liners on a daily basis.

5. kinda sounds Jack Handy-ish

8 is probably the funniest to me, but it needs to be tightened up.

I MEANT 9, NOT 8.

the worst jokes ARE better :-/

that's my motto

omg the moonwalk one

Um... I don't get the spa one.

It's a neat little observation of latterday single-image aesthetics which belongs in a diary, not so much a standup routine

Bit like:

"A bus garage is a bit like a normal garage, only there's a bus in it"

Oh. Meh.

I'm gonna have to go with the massive and vote Madagascar.

It clearly needs to be changed from "I've been reading the news..." to "Someone told me..." or "What's this I hear about...?". Po-faced ignorance trumps "I don't know what words in a newspaper mean" stupidity.

I am overanalyzing this, yes.

I didn't get the Madagascar one -- I think it'd benefit more from being changed to "I've seen that movie six times"

Hedgehogs is a respectable winner, I think. The spa/pebble one is the most clever and likable, to me, but it's not like FUNNY.

It clearly needs to be changed from "I've been reading the news..." to "Someone told me..." or "What's this I hear about...?". Po-faced ignorance trumps "I don't know what words in a newspaper mean" stupidity.

I am overanalyzing this, yes.

― Sometimes I can't help seeing all the way through (Deric W. Haircare), Monday, 24 August 2009 18:35 (Yesterday) Bookmark

You are quite right. "I saw a headline..." at least shows he didn't read the whole story and still thought it was about the movie.

these are all awful ... they couldn't come up with a funny joke about boobs or prison sex ...

I would complain about Adam Hills being almost a decade out of date but that's his audience.

― King Boy on Parole (King Boy Pato), Monday, August 24, 2009 10:10 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Unfortunately, these days, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

― King Boy on Parole (King Boy Pato), Monday, August 24, 2009 10:11 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

i see what u didthere

The Madagascar follows the Viz letters page model, so that one.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Can't believe that crap poet off of Screenwipe won this year's top prize at Edinburgh.

Fuck Brigstocke on this btw.

The spa hotel joke makes me want to open said hotel.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

sense has prevailed, but at least 7 of you are completely insane

I think anyone trying to find humour out of a passed-off one liner from a standup routine by writing it down and voting on it is insane IMO