Is it possible to "act like an asshole" without really being one?

I am confused. I moved back to my childhood home a couple of years ago, where a lot of people are cruel, derisive, correcting and just generally unfriendly to their neighbors. I grew up with this toxic situation - 80% of the neighbors are lovely and get along with each other, know each others names. This is without regard to race or religion. There are always a few people who are not part of the "party" and who refuse to be friendly with their neighbors.

We have had a lot of stress in the neighborhood, we have quite a few elderly, a few people hospitalized, a few deaths, a couple of people with terminal illnesses. We also have a shaky economy so there is enough stress here. Still, some neighbors go out of their way to point the finger at someone else when they are in the wrong. They seem to seize on people who don't cop an attitude. And it is always the same - they have not the intelligence nor the friendships nor even the personal grooming to justify their attitude.

When confronted they deny that they are really "that bad", even though their bad behavior has a detrimental impact on everyone. This is a densely populated community with a lot of struggles and we can't afford these people who behave badly then deny that they are "really bad", it's just what they say.

Is being a "bad" or destructive person simply a matter of criminal or destructive actions, or does what people say to you have any bearing at all on your character. I am a gentle sort of person, I don't understand how people can find the wherewithal to say vicious or threatening things without deserving scorn and distrust. I am tired of the provocative behavior, if you have ever worked in an office, it seems that every office has that one crabby person who ruins it for everyone. Yet they are to be tolerated because they are just "that way" or they "need space".

What do you think?

The older you get, the further you move away from acting and the closer you move toward being.

You are what you do imo

I have noticed that, that the people who do this, who are often as old as fifty or sixty, are somehow like children - they are the boss, they are never wrong. Their only justification seems to be "my father was a so and so" or "my family blah blah". Or sometimes they are just a bully and feel intimidated by those who don't have an emotional deformity - their excuse is their unhappy childhood or whatever. I have had this problem since I joined the workforce, which was a long time ago, why can't people who are adults ACT like them?

I mean, two people on our block, including our family, have recently suffered a death in the family. In my experience, this counts for nothing. I remember a few times at my old job when someone died and you get this cold reaction, it isn't funny, it isn't just "your personality", it is inappropriate and toxic. What can be done about it, these same people abuse their privilege and complain to everyone.

These people sound like assholes!

No matter how much you'd like to, it usually isn't possible to "fix" people who behave in ways you find upsetting. It's easier and maybe healthier to learn how you can avoid letting them get to you.

Hopefully it doesn't sound trite (I mean a fucking gym teacher told me this), but "consider the source & rise above." Harder done than said but it curbs a lot of my desire to succumb to acting like another asshole in a party of assholes.

Asshole is one of the worst things you can be IMO.

This is EXACTLY the attitude I have a problem with, like when people don't take the time to read what you say. I suppose we won't have crime, illness or a death in the family anymore, either. I love the "I'm so tough" act. Don't complain on a board about your misfortunes either, if you can't handle it! I don't feel the desire to "act like an asshole" so that is another difference I have with people. I think that people who have a sick or dying relative shouldn't have to just "buck up" or "not let people get to them".

When people are insensitive about hard circumstances, properly socialized, adult beings have every right to "let it get to you". To argue otherwise is to imply that feelings (especially ones of stress or GRIEF) are abnormal and a sign of human weakness. Professional managers actually learn this sort of thing in MBA programs now - sadly they have to learn to play mom or dad in addition to managing a department or company.

Of course you have the right to feel aggrieved. I was questioning whether it was a useful right.

Oh dear, that isn't at all what I was trying to get at. Everyone has the right to feel 'negative' emotions without having to feel guilty about that. I suppose I'm confused about which people you're referring to. The people who have had tragedies in their family? I have a hard time following narratives about people I do know told by people I live with so please don't take this personally.

In fact I'm not even sure what you're asking tbh. This is me, once again.

Lack of specifics in this thread make it hard to respond to. My general feeling about the thread question is..."no."

I think it is possible for normally decent people to act like assholes sometimes, while not being a 24-7 asshole-for-life, yes.

but it is also possible for people to consistently be cruel and not realise it, or indeed to be cruel and not care. They want to be social but they are unkind of speech, they want to offer advice but instead they harangue, they want to describe but instead they judge, some strange trick of motion translates their every movement into the most crude and threatening of gestures.

I am a terrible pollyanna but these people sometimes give me hope: I think, look at him, he is so awful and yet people put up with him, keep him in a job and even a marriage, so maybe the times I too have been a horrible person will also be forgiven me.

fuck all a yous fuckers

I think, look at him, he is so awful and yet people put up with him, keep him in a job and even a marriage, so maybe the times I too have been a horrible person will also be forgiven me.

I get the opposite sense. I see this person is horrible, and they are allowed all these things. I am horrible, and I am sacked from jobs, ejected from relationships and my society is too much for most people to bear. And the world seems a more unfair place daily.

See, I see this as worth getting pissed off about. If someone is unprofessional and the "one bad apple", why should they be tolerated in the workplace? A job is a very precious thing, especially in a stressed economy. Also, this situation (in the workplace) is not a case of the aggrieved taking it personally. Usually what happens is the "problem" person is pissing a lot of people off, but they feel too intimidated to "bond" about it in a conspicuous manner, lest they appear disrespectful to management.

I understand that it's a more difficult situation when it comes to neighbors or some "problem" person in your social circle, that it's not like you should criminalize everyone who is an asshole. I'm sorry if I sound annoyed, it's just what do you do when neighbor a has cancer, neighbor b had a death in the family, your own family lost two close and dear family members....and some individual or individuals in your neighborhood is going out of his way to be all "me me me" and "my property" and "my issues" etc. Is this a social problem that merits greater consideration and if so, what can be done about it? I just think a line ought to be drawn when it comes to illness or financial hardship or death. I am not going to call the police or whatever, but I am sick and tired of the lack of consideration for my neighbors.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjMYQyhjiYA

does knowing you're acting like an asshole make your behaviour more or less assholish?

Here is a perfect example. Someone's pastor threatens the President, and his flock rush to defend him, just because he is their pastor, principles be damned. It is very disturbing that people would act out of defensiveness and self-interest even when their pastor is needlessly inflammatory and dangerous.

What reason do you have to ascribe so benign a motive as defensiveness? I assume the congregation are hateful, murderous assholes just like their pastor.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by being a blindly-following moron.

On a tangent, how can this guy be so threatening to the President, and thereby those who voted for him, or even those who did not vote for him but who generally "like" him or who would at least defend him....and his stupid followers don't understand the significance of such statements? I mean, you think you're in your little church in Arizona, but this sort of thing is unnerving, I didn't condone it when people said it about President Bush. It's disturbing what outrageous behavior people will tolerate.

How can someone claim to be Christian when they disregard the Sixth Commandment so thoroughly? That's what I always want to know.